Am I paranoid or is this really a problem?

Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (Full Version)

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Bree11 -> Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 5:39:33 AM)
I have been under protection for some time now. It is confusing to me, but we are monogamous. As our previous relationships, the opposites were not faithful. So the issue is every morning before work, evening after work, and pretty much anytime on the computer he is either IMing someone or on CM. He is a voyeur. We have had this discussion numerous times that I am uncomfortable with his "hobby". He tells me it is nothing and that he is going to continue to do it with me here or not. [sm=dunno.gif][sm=dunno.gif][sm=dunno.gif]He chats with his friends from home and differ people from differ dating & BDSM sites. My sister points out he comes home to me. Problem is physically he is here but he is on the computer with someone else. Now I have tried to just let it go, but it bothers the crap out of me. I even went on CL for people to just text and IM through out the day. Honestly, it is nothing I desire, talking to random people. Now as a servant I just try to ignore it. But then he states I have an attitude and it needs to change. But then I get so furious cause I have to act like everything is ok when it is not. I was ok with him perving journals and pictures. It is the constant messaging that really rubs me wrong. To me it is more personal. In my mind it goes from messaging, to talking on the phone, to meeting up. Expecially when it is from a dating site. Paranoia is the worst. I feel I am making it worse than what it is. Trust issue it is. I trust him up to an extent. LOL, i am aware he has female "friends" who wish me gone so they can replace me. I am praying for the strength and sense to let this go. I do love him, but I can't move forward til I get past this. Any advice?

RedMagic1 -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 5:51:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bree11 So the issue is every morning before work, evening after work, and pretty much anytime on the computer he is either IMing someone or on CM. I don't really want to get into the "is it cheating or not" argument, because I have no idea. But I'll ask you this. Suppose he was obsessed with model trains, and every morning before work, and all the time after work, he was playing with his model train set. And, he told you, "I'm going to play with my trains whether you are here or not." Would that provide you the attention and care you need from a monogamous relationship? Remove the "paranoia" question. Count up the number of seconds in the day, and how many of those seconds are "time for you." Is that enough to make you happy?

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 6:30:55 AM)
Personally, I wouldn't put up with it. There are some women who are golf widows, some are football widows etc. It sounds like Bree is a dating widow. It may all be very innocent, but if her OH is not giving her any of his time, she might just as well be a hired help. My first marriage ended in a similar way, so I my PoV may be tainted and biased. She was chatting and IMing lots of "friends" from dating sites. From there, it went to taking 5 hours to buy a pack of ciggies from a shop only 200 yards down the road. When the kids were at school she'd be gone virtually all day "just chatting with a friend". It got to the point where every time I looked over at what she was doing, she would switch the screen or turn the monitor off so I couldn't see. At bed time, we would sleep at opposite ends of the bed. Many times we would never be in the same room at the same time. If I was at my PC, she would be in the kitchen or go for a snooze. If I left my PC to do something, she would be on hers. The minute I got home from work, she would make me a cuppa and make sure she wasn't in the same room. Eventually, we fell apart, very acrimoniously. Now, with my current wife of 5+ years, although we each do our own thing on our computers, we know what each is doing and who we are chatting to. She goes on her forums of interest, I go on mine - including CM. But, when things need doing, we stop for a while and get them done and that sometimes includes some personal time together. We always talk to each other - there are no secrets whatsoever. Communication is key to any decent relationship as well as some 'together' time. To me, any relationship requires that you work and play together as a team effort and help each other achieve their goals in life - whatever that may be. Otherwise, what's the point?? In OP's shoes, I would call a halt to this problem. Either move on and ship out, or OP's partners "hobby" needs to be curtailed quite severely so they have some time together. The fact that this is supposed to be a monogamous relationship and OP is not happy is a severe problem IMHO. I would apply the same logic to a vanilla relationship as well as a BDSM one. Just my [sm=2cents.gif]

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 6:40:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: Bree11 So the issue is every morning before work, evening after work, and pretty much anytime on the computer he is either IMing someone or on CM. I don't really want to get into the "is it cheating or not" argument, because I have no idea. But I'll ask you this. Suppose he was obsessed with model trains, and every morning before work, and all the time after work, he was playing with his model train set. And, he told you, "I'm going to play with my trains whether you are here or not." Would that provide you the attention and care you need from a monogamous relationship? Remove the "paranoia" question. Count up the number of seconds in the day, and how many of those seconds are "time for you." Is that enough to make you happy? This is an excellent answer. Simplify your problem down to the bare bones. Your partner behaves in a way which makes you feel unhappy. You tell him your feelings, and he tells you that he is going to carry on anyway. This guy isn't meeting your needs and doesn't care about you enough to change. He's told you pretty clearly that your happiness and/or feeling of security in the relationship is LESS IMPORTANT than messaging people online. Regardless of what the activity is, or whether other people might consider it a problem or not, it is a problem for you. Move on and find someone that fits your needs better. Don't stay in a relationship that makes you miserable.

sexyred1 -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 6:50:01 AM)
OP, what does under protection mean? Is under protection casual, and if so, how can one be monogamous? Are you with this guy or not? Important to the discussion. If you are actually with him, in a relationship that means something: - He is dissing you by ignoring you when you express difficulty with his IMing other women and being on CM alot. - This is not a HOBBY site, as someone said, this is a dating site, thus, if he is dating you, he should not be IMing other women. Yes, I know other couples are here together and they post to the boards, but that is not what is being discussed in your thread. - There is something called Emotional Cheating. So if you sister says, he comes home to you, that is not the point. Many marriages have ended due to people spending inordinate amounts of time online with porn or any other thing that takes away from being with one's partner. - You are not being paranoid, I think he is giving you ample reason to be upset. - No, your attitude does not have to change, he needs to have an open discussion with you about why he is doing this and why he is ignoring your being so upset about it. - I would never put up with this. If you are with me, we both can have friends, but you can communicate with friends via social networks and it does not have to be on kink dating site, sorry.

JeffBC -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 7:48:12 AM)
What Red said. Is this working for you or not? If not, then why would you be considering him?

DarkSteven -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 7:51:40 AM)
Bree, you're not happy. Your Dom is not willing to change the situation to make you happy. So you need to do something.

absolutchocolat -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 8:50:50 AM)
Is there romantic interaction at all? In the absence of that, I would be pretty pissed too. Try this. When your honey comes home, suggest some romantic activity to him. Do it for a week straight. If he says no every time, then you should look elsewhere. If he is willing to engage and spend time with you, your relationship has hope. I hope things get better for you.

OsideGirl -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 8:53:40 AM)
Yup....what Red said. If he's not making you happy and isn't willing to attempt to make you happy, why stay in the relationship?

TNDommeK -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 10:31:09 AM)
-fr- See, my brain has went a different way on this. Was this discussed prior to you moving in? Were you made aware he would still be talking and searching on the web? Is he poly? Did you say "okay" at first and now it's bothering you? If the answers to these questions were "no" then follow advice given by the others. I'd also like to know what protection means.

Bree11 -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 12:02:19 PM)
Yeah I know confusing the "under protection" thing. From what I understand, he provides and takes care of me. He goes above and beyond in what he does to make sure I have what I need. In the beginning I was collared, then released, he then stated that I would be under his protection. He notices that I have not been happy, and we sit and talk trying to communicate but no more than a wek later things go back. I didn't want to be that "girl" that is on a witch hunt. It is just always there. I have debated on leaving and just step back from him. I also see we both have our past issues that influence what we do now. To put it simpley, he is the great guy that every gal wants, but there is always that reason he is still alone. I guess this is his.

kalikshama -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 12:22:16 PM)
quote: So the issue is every morning before work, evening after work, and pretty much anytime on the computer he is either IMing someone or on CM. He is a voyeur. We have had this discussion numerous times that I am uncomfortable with his "hobby". He tells me it is nothing and that he is going to continue to do it with me here or not. He chats with his friends from home and differ people from differ dating & BDSM sites. I'm personally fine with polyamory but this is not that and you two are supposed to be monogamous. Sounds addictive and like emotional cheating.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 1:13:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TNDommeK -fr- See, my brain has went a different way on this. Was this discussed prior to you moving in? Were you made aware he would still be talking and searching on the web? Is he poly? Did you say "okay" at first and now it's bothering you? If the answers to these questions were "no" then follow advice given by the others. I'd also like to know what protection means. Thing is, even if he said at the beginning 'I intend to spend a large amount of my time on collarme instant messaging other subs' and she said 'ok', she's clearly very unhappy. Even if he isn't cheating at all, and this is what they agreed to, this is a doomed situation because she's miserable with the way things are and he won't have things any other way. It doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad person or that he's done anything wrong, but they're certainly not compatible. Personally if he spent so much time and energy on anything that I felt there was nothing left for me, it'd be time to go.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 1:17:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bree11 Yeah I know confusing the "under protection" thing. From what I understand, he provides and takes care of me. He goes above and beyond in what he does to make sure I have what I need. In the beginning I was collared, then released, he then stated that I would be under his protection. He notices that I have not been happy, and we sit and talk trying to communicate but no more than a wek later things go back. I didn't want to be that "girl" that is on a witch hunt. It is just always there. I have debated on leaving and just step back from him. I also see we both have our past issues that influence what we do now. To put it simpley, he is the great guy that every gal wants, but there is always that reason he is still alone. I guess this is his. Do you see how the bolded statements contradict each other? He isn't going above and beyond to make sure you have what you need. At best he makes a short-term gesture and then continues doing the things he knows make you unhappy. If anything I'm even more confused about 'under protection' than I was before. Usually I've heard it used when a dominant is looking out for a sub but not actually in a relationship with him/her. The fact that he collared you, released you, took you under protection - D/s aside, do you know what your place is in the relationship? Are you a romantic couple? Are you monogamous? Or does he just see you as a play partner until he finds someone else? Whatever the answer is, I'm sticking with 'it's not meeting your needs'. If I were you, I'd tell him I need more from him or I'm moving on, and then make good on that. It's not a threat. He has the right to decide that the people he is messaging are higher priority, and you have the right to decide that's not enough for you. Edit for grammar

TNDommeK -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 8:31:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bree11 Yeah I know confusing the "under protection" thing. From what I understand, he provides and takes care of me. He goes above and beyond in what he does to make sure I have what I need. In the beginning I was collared, then released, he then stated that I would be under his protection. He notices that I have not been happy, and we sit and talk trying to communicate but no more than a wek later things go back. I didn't want to be that "girl" that is on a witch hunt. It is just always there. I have debated on leaving and just step back from him. I also see we both have our past issues that influence what we do now. To put it simpley, he is the great guy that every gal wants, but there is always that reason he is still alone. I guess this is his. So you are leaving him and searching for a new owner? If so, I would be 100% honest and have this conversation with him.

NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/12/2013 9:43:04 PM)
Bree11, are you happy?? Because, if you aren't, then why the hell are you still in the relationship?? If both people aren't happy, then why stay? Whenever I'm writing to a sub and he says it's all about the Domme, I say "No, it's all about BOTH people as far as I'm concerned." You deserve to be happy and fulfilled TOO. NBMG

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/13/2013 1:47:52 AM)
To me..the being collared and then released but under protection may be telling you a lot. First, while not something I consider indicative of a good Dom...some men- kinky and vanilla- want to avoid being the plug puller on a relationship. Rather than saying.." I am not happy..let's go our separate ways" they do everything they can to make YOU dump THEM (equivalent of suicide by cop). Often we think it is a "have their cake & eat it too" but, in that case..they already made the commitment..why take just enough of a step towards dissolving the relationship to make you take notice? Why not just cheat or cut clean? It is because they want you to do the dirty work... Also telling...most men try to justify or diminish those "hobbies" that make it look like they are cheating...they give you that line your sister did (who cares? He comes home to you). This guy isn't even trying to make you THINK he is not interested in other women (BTW--if he was just a voyour...he would not want to interact with the women). Trust me, the harder you try to "make it work", the more antics he will come up with to give you reason to dump him. My advise...tell him you need more and leave. No ultimatums or ugly scenes. Make it clear that the ball is in his court...he can call you, you all can go out...then do that. Once you have "let him free, if he comes back he is yours...if not, he never was". My honest feeling...I think he will tell you he thinks it is a great idea for you to "be alone for a while" or "to give you time to think".

GoddessManko -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/13/2013 1:56:52 AM)
Being collared then released is a huge deal as I did with my sub after 10 years, fucking shitty. I agree with NiceButMeanGirl, follow your gut. And trollbots, stay the F out of my inbox plox and grow up

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/13/2013 2:24:38 AM)
The "protection" thing can also be a way to keep you involved with him while sort of reducing his involvement with you. I mean "going above and beyond" doesn't mean what you've presented here... I'm skeptical of "protection" because that seems to be the way I've mostly seen it applied. Kind of like "training." I dunno... you don't sound terribly happy. In fact you sound UNhappy. RedMagic1 wrote a pretty spectacular response. Think about it. Journal. Do whatever - but it doesn't sound like staying where you are is all that good for you, and you know, clear as day, that this person has no desire to change the situation. There really aren't a lot of choices there.

DarkSteven -> RE: Am I paranoid or is this really a problem? (3/13/2013 6:29:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep I'm skeptical of "protection" because that seems to be the way I've mostly seen it applied. Kind of like "training." And I'm skeptical because you're under protection and don't seem to know what it means. Not only does that itself raise red flags, but the fact that you don't ask him/he doesn't volunteer tells me that your communication isn't good. I've had a couple of subs under my protection. It was largely just a word to keep hordes of wankers from bothering them, but it also meant that I discussed with them any prospectives that they didn't automatically reject.

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