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DarkSteven -> RE: Anger and losing control. When is it abuse or bad? (3/13/2013 11:51:28 AM)
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quote:
I have been reading various conversations on the D/s dynamic and Total Power Exchange experience. One poster on a site I visit asked if their situation was abuse, and many posted that it was, which I agree with, but a few gave the reasoning that it was because he was angry, and didn't control his reactions, which in this case was abuse, but the comments left me shaking my head because they focused on the anger rather than actions.
A case could be made that abuse is not possible in TPE because in TPE, the possibility of nonconsent has been removed. quote:
I believe that all people, inside or outside the lifestyle, have a right to be angry, and a right to lose some control. It is how far they lose control, what they do when angry, or how those two things manifest themselves and how the situation is resolved that determine whether they are abusive or not.
Nope. I consider several points to constitute the difference between D/s and abuse:
1. Consensuality.
2. Is the Dom in control of himself?
3. Is this based on his anger, or something his submissive did?
4. Does the sub understand what she did wrong?
5. Is the wrongdoing something she can control? I have playfully punished my sub for breathing, but I would never do that seriously.
quote:
To my shame, I have lost control with Maria in the past, it has been rare, but I will not lie and say I have always been 100% in control. But my version of losing control is mild. I tend to raise my voice, and as soon as I do so, I go for a walk and tell her we will discuss it once I am calm, and then apologize for raising my voice.
You're human. Got it.
To determine whether anger is abuse, you need to see four things.
Anger is an emotion. Abuse is an action. They cannot be equated, although they're linked. quote:
First, does the person lash out with violence, or is it simply verbal? With either of these they can be abuse, but the first is much more likely a sign of abuse, the second is an abuse more dictated on frequency of the occurance and/or what is said, then simply yelling, as we all yell from time to time.
Nope. Abuse can be verbal or physical. You state that, but then digress into a more-likely and less-likely argument that I disagree with. quote:
Secondly, How does the person react afterwards, Are they generally remorseful, or do they tend to blame the person they were angry at? Now here is another key thing, If I say that I am sorry for being angry, and then go on to ask that someone not do what made me angry in the first place, this is not blaming but explaining. Blame is when someone says "I'm sorry but..." and then goes on a rant about you. If the person is blaming others, that is a sign remorse for their actions is not present. This is another sign that the person is more interested in shying away from their actions instead of realizing how they hurt the other person, and is therefore a sign that abuse MAY be present, or that the person is simply selfish.
Nope. From what I've read, abusers act remorseful, until the pattern repeats. Also, your use of the term "selfish" is, I believe, actually better served by the term "self-centered". quote:
Third, how often does the outburst occur, is it a one time every few months thing, or is it an every day thing. If it is the latter, apologies are pointless as they are not seeking to avoid what they did previously. If it is the former then this means the person is human and makes mistakes. You do not expect perfection from yourself, you can not expect it from your partner, what you can expect both in Vanilla and D/s dynamics is that when you are open and honest about habits that concern you, that your partner will seek to improve themselves.
Frequency is not germane. Your point is that, the more frequent someone loses self-control, the more likely it is to be abuse. But loss of self-control in and of itself is not abuse. quote:
Fourth, I briefly touched on this earlier, but how severe is the incidents? Is it simply someone trying to raise a voice to be heard because they upset and feeling as if the other person is not helping them? Or is it name-calling and derogatory? If it is the former this is a negative but not abuse in my book, if it is the latter, this is abuse. For physical abuse, anytime someone does something to you physically that you do not approve of, you need to speak with them, and if they do so again, it's abuse. Plain and simple.
Even though Doms and Dommes should attempt and strive never to lose control, to instantly label slight losses of control, especially verbal only, and especially in a 24/7 dynamic as abuse is both cruel to the Dominant and to the submissive, like all vanilla relationships, you will have rocky times, it's how that is dealt with and addressed, rather than the loss of control that determines abuse.
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