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Just starting out as a sub - 3/21/2013 5:28:23 AM

lookingin2Y

Posts: 1
Joined: 3/20/2013
Status: offline

I have recently been lightly introduced into this lifestyle and think that I am a submissive and just never knew it. My current friend is familiar with being a Dom although I'm not sure how experienced he actually is. I'm not sure where to go from here. I would like to explore further but am nervous and not even sure this is for me. Also he has some emotional issues and only wants to be with me once every 2 weeks or so. Is this normal? Is this some kind of thing where I am suppose to suffer a bit?(deliberately not letting me have him?) Also, what if I just want to play a little bit and don't think whips and chains sound like my kind of thing at all? Would I still be a welcome member of the community?
I have been doing some reading and internet research, but have no one to really talk to about this. Any information at all that you could give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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RE: Just starting out as a sub - 3/21/2013 5:38:26 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lookingin2Y
Is this normal? Is this some kind of thing where I am suppose to suffer a bit?(deliberately not letting me have him?) Also, what if I just want to play a little bit and don't think whips and chains sound like my kind of thing at all? Would I still be a welcome member of the community?
I have been doing some reading and internet research, but have no one to really talk to about this. Any information at all that you could give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Is this normal?

Irrelevant if it's normal or not. Does it work for YOU?

Is this some kind of thing where I am suppose to suffer a bit?(deliberately not letting me have him?)

No way to know. There's no kink associated with it, unless it's considered a form of orgasm denial.

Also, what if I just want to play a little bit and don't think whips and chains sound like my kind of thing at all? Would I still be a welcome member of the community?

The community is huge in regard to kinks. Some are exclusively into rope bondage, some into spanking, some into age play, some into service... the list goes on. Simply, you will be welcomed if you have the kind of personality that would be welcomed at a vanilla place.

That said, if you have some kind of exclusivity arrangement with him, things could get messy. But it sounds like you are casual play partners, nothing more.

to the forums!

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Just starting out as a sub - 3/21/2013 5:59:52 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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Hi and welcome.

Is it normal to only see each other every two weeks? I guess that depends on whether you consider each other casual play partners or a committed relationship. If you are both happy with it, then that's fine. It wouldn't be enough for me, personally, but some people do it. Some people might have a play partner and a romantic relationship with someone else. Some people don't want a relationship at all. Some people like to have a relationship with lots of their own space.

I'd be more worried by 'he has some emotional issues'. It might be nothing, but it might be something that means he's not a good person to be taking control of your decisions. Or it might be something he uses as an excuse for poor behaviour.

Is it some kind of thing where you're supposed to suffer a bit? Only he can answer that. More importantly, do you want to 'suffer' like that? As I said, once every two weeks wouldn't be enough time for me, so if someone told me he was staying away to make me suffer, I'd decide we're not compatible and move on.

As for your last question, that one I can answer. Yes you are still welcome if you want to keep it light. There are tons of people into kink who all have their own individual set of tastes - some like to hang each other from hooks and others like to tickle each other with feathers. If you come across someone who tells you that you're not entitled to you own limits, or that 'true' subs always do x, I give you permission on behalf of the community to tell them to piss off.

It's clear you don't know what you want yet and are very early in your exploration and that's fine. Just some general advice - ask lots of questions. Ask us, by all means, but also ask HIM. And if he isn't willing to talk to you about it, or his answers make you uncomfortable, don't hesitate to step back. Find out about his experience level (and those emotional issues!) before getting involved. Inexperienced isn't bad, but it would be bad if he injured you because he didn't know how to do something and wasn't upfront about it. In the beginning it is fine (and sensible, and normal) to take your time, try out small things and then build on them. I don't know if you are interested in a bit of bedroom play or some sort of power-exchange relationship, but either way take your time, learn as much as you can and figure out what works for you both.

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RE: Just starting out as a sub - 3/21/2013 7:32:47 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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Would you want this man with emotional issues in your life, I mean would you consider dating him if we were talking about you looking for a relationship of some type that didn't include BDSM? If the answer is yes, you'd date him, then it doesn't matter what is normal to anyone else- go ahead and do the every 2 weeks thing. If you'd tell him to go take a hike under regular circumstances and that you don't want a screw every 2 weeks, then tell him that now as well. Adding BDSM to the activity list between two people doesn't make everything automatically acceptable. My advice to you is to look around the way you usually do for someone to date or whatever, and then date them. Don't even focus on kinky things at this point.You will find someone to explore things with, make sure you like the person as a person to begin with and that they're not taking advantage of you. Heck, I refuse to even discuss kink or sex except in a very general way till I feel that I like someone and am willing to discuss very personal things with them. It's not something I throw out there on the table for any stranger that happens by my profile.

Any degree of kink is fine, you don't have to do anything. Make sure any partner of yours is informed of where you'd like to go and that they stay within those guidelines, if they dont' or say you aren't a REAL submissive because you don't wish to do whatever it is that they want, then kick them to the curb and don't look back. You are fine to set guidelines and limits, in fact you should, don't let anyone talk you out of them.

I didn't check your profile for where you live, but a gathering called a munch sounds like a great idea for you. It's just a bunch of kinky people getting together for a bite to eat and talking about non-kinky things. It's just a normal social group where everyone wears regular clothing and says hi. This might give you some support in your entry to the kinky world and show you that however you'd like to go is just fine.

< Message edited by lizi -- 3/21/2013 7:34:59 AM >

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RE: Just starting out as a sub - 3/21/2013 7:42:08 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lookingin2Y

I have recently been lightly introduced into this lifestyle and think that I am a submissive and just never knew it. My current friend is familiar with being a Dom although I'm not sure how experienced he actually is. I'm not sure where to go from here. I would like to explore further but am nervous and not even sure this is for me. Also he has some emotional issues and only wants to be with me once every 2 weeks or so. Is this normal? Is this some kind of thing where I am suppose to suffer a bit?(deliberately not letting me have him?) Also, what if I just want to play a little bit and don't think whips and chains sound like my kind of thing at all? Would I still be a welcome member of the community?
I have been doing some reading and internet research, but have no one to really talk to about this. Any information at all that you could give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

D/s BDSM relationships are still relationships. If you wouldn't find it acceptable in a vanilla relationship, then you don't have to find it acceptable in a D/s BDSM relationship.

You'll do fine. Just remember to use your common sense.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Just starting out as a sub - 3/21/2013 10:48:58 AM

Dyfrynt

Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
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Seems like you are asking two questions here.

1. Should you have a relationship with a guy who only wants to see you on an occasional basis?
2. Should you consider having a BDSM relationship with this guy.

The answer to both your questions, unfortunately, is not going to be found here. In order to get to the truth, you need to talk to him; both about whether you two are in a serious relationship, or does he see it as casual. And is he interested enough in a BDSM relationship to get the training he needs to be a responsible Dom.

If he is interested in BDSM the two of you have another big talk before you. What are your interests and what are your limits. What are his interests and what are his limits. There are no right or wrong answers for this one. The elements you are both interested in are the elements upon which you base your relationship. No matter how simple or how extreme, as long as the two involved are in agreement that that is what they want, it is right for them.

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RE: Just starting out as a sub - 3/21/2013 11:15:36 AM

Inghammar

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/25/2012
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OOOPS wrong thread :)

< Message edited by Inghammar -- 3/21/2013 11:41:29 AM >

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RE: Just starting out as a sub - 3/21/2013 2:14:42 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

He wants a casual partner. Do you want this or do you want a committed partner who also loves you? Don't agree to something that doesn't work for you.

You don't need to swing from the chandelier, use whips or chains if you don't want to. Google bdsm checklist and see all the various and wonderful things that people do. Then view it as a buffet. When you go out to a buffet restaurant, do you feel impelled to eat some of everything including the stuff you dislike? Of course not, you take what you like and leave the rest.

Same here. Decide what you do like and what you won't ever do and find a partner who likes the same things you do.

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RE: Just starting out as a sub - 3/21/2013 2:30:42 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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You know, a lot of questions about relationships in the kink world are best answered by taking the kink out of it.

He only wants to see you once every couple of weeks. If you were just starting out dating somebody or were a casual fuck buddy, would a couple of times a month be enough for you? For some it is and for others, it isn't. How often do you think you would like to see somebody at the beginning of a relationship? I'm the type that can be satisfied with that while some people think you need to be in contact every day right from jump street. Which kind of person are you?

If he's not terribly experienced, or you're not sure if he's experienced, you might want to look into that before you start dealing with whips and chains. (Even if you ever decide that you want to do that at all.) One of the dumbest things that people do is play with somebody who wants to play above their experience level. He wants to wield a whip? Make him show you that he can hit a target. You wouldn't agree to a doctor or even a hairdresser work on you if they didn't know what they are doing. Why should kink be any different?

As far as community groups go, they aren't any different than any other group with a common interest. If you joined a book club or a cooking class, it's not required that you be an author or a chef. You just have to have an interest in the basic area. It's not just the whip folks who attend. (Except for certain whip cracking specific groups.) Everybody is there from those interested in just spanking, to power exchange only folks, (the no play at all types) to bondage people, to those who are really big into sadism and masochism. There's a rich diversity of all kinds and wherever you feel that you are, you'll fit right in.

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RE: Just starting out as a sub - 3/21/2013 3:14:09 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lookingin2Y
I have recently been lightly introduced into this lifestyle and think that I am a submissive and just never knew it. My current friend is familiar with being a Dom although I'm not sure how experienced he actually is. I'm not sure where to go from here. I would like to explore further but am nervous and not even sure this is for me.

Nobody can be sure something is for them until they explore. Such is life, neh?

Also he has some emotional issues and only wants to be with me once every 2 weeks or so. Is this normal?
No. That doesn't make it right or wrong. But most relationships seek more consistent contact than that in my experience.

Is this some kind of thing where I am suppose to suffer a bit?(deliberately not letting me have him?)
Supposed to? According to whom? To the best of my knowledge there's really only two votes that matter in this equation... yours and his. You already know his vote. What's yours? What are you going to do about it if the votes don't agree?

Also, what if I just want to play a little bit and don't think whips and chains sound like my kind of thing at all? Would I still be a welcome member of the community?
Carol and I don't play at all... no whips... no chains... no latex or leather.. nothing. When our kinky friends needed to move we were over there hauling furniture down apartment steps. They like us just fine. I'm serious. Think about that.

I have been doing some reading and internet research, but have no one to really talk to about this.
You should find someone... preferably someone in the real world. In my experience BDSM on the internet bears little or no resemblance to what I see in the real world. Even here... a fairly well grounded discussion board... I would be careful about what "wisdom" I took away.

Any information at all that you could give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Do what works for you. Ignore BDSM rules. Laugh at anyone who quotes you BDSM rules. Explore in good faith. Have fun. Do it in the real world.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Just starting out as a sub - 3/21/2013 4:52:04 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

Also he has some emotional issues and only wants to be with me once every 2 weeks or so. Is this normal? Is this some kind of thing where I am suppose to suffer a bit?(deliberately not letting me have him?)

Every two weeks or so is not uncommon...for casual partners. I would not find this acceptable in a serious relationship.

Perhaps you could give us some more details about the "emotional issues?"

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RE: Just starting out as a sub - 3/21/2013 8:47:28 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
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welcome to the board and to the lifestyle. the best way i know of is to look for local groups and attend meet and greets and munches these are vanilla public events to meet and discuss the lifestyle my experince with them is very welcoming to new visitors.
Also he has some emotional issues and only wants to be with me once every 2 weeks or so. Is this normal? it may be normal for his relationship with you. it may be just how he plays with someone casualy. if he has issues you may need to consider another for a play partner
Is this some kind of thing where I am suppose to suffer a bit?(deliberately not letting me have him?) this may be what he is doing but you would have to discuss that with him as with any relationship there has to be communication and trust for it to grow
Also, what if I just want to play a little bit and don't think whips and chains sound like my kind of thing at all?
the lifestyle has so many diffrent things to do and try from soft sensory play with feathers to knife play. there is no rule that says that you have to like any one or group of things when i first went to a public dungon i was welcomed and was able to see many diffrent kinds of play and all of the folks were happy to answer my questions after tha scene was done. i met many new freinds and am very happy i have been able to express myself in the lifestyle i hope you have a wonderfull and enjoyable journey

< Message edited by LPslittleclip -- 3/21/2013 10:01:08 PM >

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RE: Just starting out as a sub - 3/24/2013 6:33:40 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: lookingin2Y

I have recently been lightly introduced into this lifestyle and think that I am a submissive and just never knew it. My current friend is familiar with being a Dom although I'm not sure how experienced he actually is. I'm not sure where to go from here. I would like to explore further but am nervous and not even sure this is for me. Also he has some emotional issues and only wants to be with me once every 2 weeks or so. Is this normal? Is this some kind of thing where I am suppose to suffer a bit?(deliberately not letting me have him?) Also, what if I just want to play a little bit and don't think whips and chains sound like my kind of thing at all? Would I still be a welcome member of the community?
I have been doing some reading and internet research, but have no one to really talk to about this. Any information at all that you could give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

D/s BDSM relationships are still relationships. If you wouldn't find it acceptable in a vanilla relationship, then you don't have to find it acceptable in a D/s BDSM relationship.

You'll do fine. Just remember to use your common sense.

You're a very funny gal, O. Crack me up bad.
If sensibility was common, the forums would be empty.

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