daddy doms (Full Version)

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twistedfool31 -> daddy doms (3/22/2013 7:55:59 PM)

I am a newbie in this area dated a girl a few months back who was really into it. And learned from her, it was like opening a part of my mind that had been locked away. I felt free sexually for the first time. Like it all made sense and I realized I am a daddy dom. But the problem is I am too soft hearted and easy going, I don't have the ability to be dom or controlling yet it's like I want to but I don't know how to let my fears go and just dive in and be a daddy dom. But still I love being called "Daddy" and it excites me so much in bed. How do I become stronger and more able to be the daddy dom I know I am deep inside?



DarkSteven -> RE: daddy doms (3/22/2013 8:04:25 PM)

You don't. You find a woman who's compatible with you. You don't try to remake yourself to match what you think they want.



TieMeInKnottss -> RE: daddy doms (3/22/2013 11:05:09 PM)

Well...if you don't have the ability to be dominating or controlling...then you are NOT a Dom (shrug) and there is nothing wrong with being sexually excited by words or images that in your normal life you would not be comfortable with. In the end, you will be happier & have better experiences in accepting that... Don't try to "learn" to be dominant...I spent many years trying to do it because it was expected of me & have many unhappy past relationships to show for it.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: daddy doms (3/22/2013 11:52:12 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: twistedfool31

I am a newbie in this area dated a girl a few months back who was really into it. And learned from her, it was like opening a part of my mind that had been locked away. I felt free sexually for the first time. Like it all made sense and I realized I am a daddy dom. But the problem is I am too soft hearted and easy going, I don't have the ability to be dom or controlling yet it's like I want to but I don't know how to let my fears go and just dive in and be a daddy dom. But still I love being called "Daddy" and it excites me so much in bed. How do I become stronger and more able to be the daddy dom I know I am deep inside?


'Soft hearted and easy going' doesn't necessarily mean that you're not strong enough to be a dom. Thing about being the dom is, that you're in charge. It's absolutely possible to be the boss and to be relaxed and gentle, to not have tons of rules. But you have to some sort of authority to back it up.

My husband is 'soft' compared to a lot of the dominants on here. I have a long leash, so to speak. The few rules he has though, I take very seriously because I respect him and want to obey him. It works for us.

So it's a little bit 'find someone who likes the way you do it'. But I do think it's a fair question. You want to get stronger and better at being dominant - that's self improvement, I can get behind that. There really is no simple way to do it. Just practice. Find someone to do it with you and try things out. Start small. Pick a rule that you actually care about rather than something arbitrary for the sake of making rules. Make your expectations clear. Go with it. Pause, assess, discuss, adapt. Figure out your own groove. Analyse your own behaviour - were you consistent and clear? Did you listen to her concerns? Did you make decisions that will strengthen your relationship? If you changed an order or rule, why did you do that? Did you just give in, or did you make a sound decision? Talk to her about it. If you're honest and she knows you're new and learning, you can work together to sort it out.

If you can go to a munch, do that. See how other people run their relationships. You can learn a lot by watching. You may even strike up a friendship with a dominant who can give you pointers.

And also, if it turns out that you do just wanna have some kinky fun times but you're not all that dominant outside the bedroom, That Is Ok Too. Don't fall into the trap of thinking more=better.



MrRodgers -> RE: daddy doms (3/23/2013 3:40:33 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: twistedfool31

I am a newbie in this area dated a girl a few months back who was really into it. And learned from her, it was like opening a part of my mind that had been locked away. I felt free sexually for the first time. Like it all made sense and I realized I am a daddy dom. But the problem is I am too soft hearted and easy going, I don't have the ability to be dom or controlling yet it's like I want to but I don't know how to let my fears go and just dive in and be a daddy dom. But still I love being called "Daddy" and it excites me so much in bed. How do I become stronger and more able to be the daddy dom I know I am deep inside?

Your dating seems to have led you to discover certain aspects to your sexual approach. That suggests to me that at this point you are a bedroom dom. If that is accurate at all then feeling soft-hearted and easy going in the bedroom is not a bead place to start at all. To the extent you are so far, a bedroom dom, let the rest of any control evolve over time.

Allow your relationship then to take its natural course because again, if your discovery is all that accurate, eventually your soft-hearted, easy going approach will help hold you in check from going too far and become a domineering asshole. After 'dating' for a while and 'daddy' picks up signals and inspires positive reactions, they will lead you to being more dominant but only at the right speed.



poise -> RE: daddy doms (3/23/2013 8:13:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers
quote:

ORIGINAL: twistedfool31
But the problem is I am too soft hearted and easy going, I don't have the ability to be dom or
controlling yet it's like I want to but I don't know how to let my fears go and just dive in and be
a daddy dom.

eventually your soft-hearted, easy going approach will help hold you in check from going too
far and become a domineering asshole.

Spot on, Mr. Rogers. I feel the OP may have the misconception that Dominant men are careless
ruthless pricks, and he fears he could never fit that mold.
Of course, some Dominant men are careless and ruthless pricks, and are quite happy being so.



Hillwilliam -> RE: daddy doms (3/23/2013 8:16:04 AM)

What the hell is wrong with being soft hearted and nurturing?

I'll stomp a mudhole in anyone's ass that has a problem with it.[8D]



Kana -> RE: daddy doms (3/23/2013 8:49:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: twistedfool31

I am a newbie in this area dated a girl a few months back who was really into it. And learned from her, it was like opening a part of my mind that had been locked away. I felt free sexually for the first time. Like it all made sense and I realized I am a daddy dom. But the problem is I am too soft hearted and easy going, I don't have the ability to be dom or controlling yet it's like I want to but I don't know how to let my fears go and just dive in and be a daddy dom. But still I love being called "Daddy" and it excites me so much in bed. How do I become stronger and more able to be the daddy dom I know I am deep inside?

Never ever mistake kindness for weakness. Be firm but fair. And for Gods sake, be consistent. More than anything else, be that.

One last hint. Kindness can be fine, but softheartedness can be lethal to a bound relationship.
Example.
You tell her "If you do X, I will do Y in response as a consequence."
And she does X, but you don't wanna be seen as a bad guy, maybe lose a gal who you spent a lot of time trying to find, so you don't do Y. Don't wanna hurt her, don't wanna hurt her feelings, don't wanna be perceived as an asshat...whatever.
Sounds reasonable, right?/
Wrong.
Dead wrong.
What you are doing by trying to be nice is undercutting your own authority. You're telling her one thing and doing the other. Consequences will becomes inconsistent at best, uncertain at worse.
And she's never gonna be certain of the ground she stands on, which sucks. Plus, you're undermining her trust in you by not backing up your word, thus hurting your own integrity. Which of course, will lead to a disintegration of respect, cuz you can you respect someone you can't trust?
When you take on a gal, you explicitly or implicitly are telling her certain things, that you can provide a structure of accountability and discipline (Or whatever your personal kink is), that you are a man worth serving. And by being a big softie, by not being consistent, but not meting out consequences, you are admitting that you aren't/can't/won't fulfill your half of the social contract and that you are, in sooth, a fraud and that you've led her down a road littered with the rose petals of false promises that you can't fulfill.
And that's some serious BS there.

JMHO and all. You asked...



kalikshama -> RE: daddy doms (3/23/2013 8:51:30 AM)

quote:

You tell her "If you do X, I will do Y in response as a consequence."


OP - make sure you give Y careful consideration before you commit to it. (And then do commit to it, for the reasons Kana outlined.)



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: daddy doms (3/23/2013 9:09:36 AM)

Kana and Kalikshama make an excellent point about consistency. Not going through with consequences or only enforcing rules sometimes can cause all kinds of problems. It might make her feel like the rules don't matter to you and you are just putting them there to look domly. It might make her feel like you don't care enough about her/the relationship to put the effort in. It might make her feel like she's walking on eggshells never knowing when you will react. Or of course, if she's that type of person, it might give her the opportunity to manipulate you.

It doesn't have to be beatings and whippings for every infraction. It might be something as simple as 'we won't be playing until you fix that'. But you need to mean what you say. Think of those families you see with kids running wild around the grocery store and the parents making empty threats about leaving - the children know it won't be followed through, and their parents will cave on whatever they said no to. Adults are not the same as children of course, and you wouldn't be with someone who behaved so immaturely, but you would still be undermining your authority and eroding her faith in your abilities.

That said, if she knows you are new and you are good at communicating, you might well get away with one or two incidents of 'I said Y would happen, now that I've given it further thought I realise that was not a sensible option, and so we are going to do Z from now on'.



JeffBC -> RE: daddy doms (3/23/2013 12:31:31 PM)

Without really knowing what you mean by "soft hearted" and "easy going" it's hard to really comment here. But I can tell you that I'm pretty soft-hearted and easy-going most of the time. Some women would find that "soft". Others would not. I don't care since any woman measuring me on that basis would never be in my life to start with. That last statement is what it means to be dominant to me. It is MY life and I'll live it how I choose.

So how do YOU choose? Ignore what some BDSM web site tells you is "the one true way". Ignore all the ways some sub thinks you're doing it wrong. Look inside yourself and find what it is that is you. Then be that. It shouldn't actually be all that hard to be your own self.



LillyBoPeep -> RE: daddy doms (3/23/2013 1:35:53 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: twistedfool31

I am a newbie in this area dated a girl a few months back who was really into it. And learned from her, it was like opening a part of my mind that had been locked away. I felt free sexually for the first time. Like it all made sense and I realized I am a daddy dom. But the problem is I am too soft hearted and easy going, I don't have the ability to be dom or controlling yet it's like I want to but I don't know how to let my fears go and just dive in and be a daddy dom. But still I love being called "Daddy" and it excites me so much in bed. How do I become stronger and more able to be the daddy dom I know I am deep inside?



Some of that will come with experience and confidence, really. You're wading into a new area, and you're wondering what's out there under the surface. Once you have more experience with it, and with yourself in this area, you'll begin to figure out YOUR way. And that doesn't mean you have to have 10 years of experience as a Dom to know what you're doing. =p

If you mean "soft hearted" as in "If she doesn't comply, I don't follow through with reinforcement," that could be problematic. Even unconsciously, an event can become a test. If you create a boundary, or state a rule, and then allow the person you're with to overstep it time and again, then that adds up to a conclusion such as "whatever he says probably doesn't matter," which can kill a relationship.

But being easy-going isn't necessarily the same thing. And dominance and being controlling don't always have to look the same, either. You're not trying to be a cookie cutter of someone else, you need to be yourself, in order to attract someone who will fit with you.

What do you want from your relationships? Do you want a complex micromanagement relationship? A more relaxed one? What exactly does the Daddy Dom thing mean to you? You get turned on when you hear the name, but why does it resonate?
And honestly, within the Daddy Dom/(insert whatever name for partner here) universe, there are all sorts of permutations.
There are Daddy-types who aren't dominant at all, to DDs who more ID with M/s, and every place in between.

Once you figure out what your values are, you'll figure out where you want to go. And once you know where you want to go, it's a lot easier to find someone who wants to come along with you.



DesFIP -> RE: daddy doms (4/6/2013 8:17:08 PM)

The Man's laid back, he enjoys indulging me. At the same time we're in a TPE. The fact that we don't have a punishment dynamic does not negate any of his authority. It means he's decided it's a lot less stressful to problem solve instead so we don't have repetitions of the problem.

Really, op, there is no governing board of BDSM that's going to withdraw your dom license if you don't beat her and leave welts every time she's ten minutes late washing the dishes.

Find someone who is compatible with your values and your style and this will be a non-issue.



DaddySatyr -> RE: daddy doms (4/6/2013 8:28:52 PM)

I have always been pretty laid-back in that there are plenty of things that I don't care enough about to make a stand.

If I say: "Baby, I'd like dinner ready at 1730" and I walk in the door and there's a bucket from the Colonel on the table, she has fulfilled my wishes.

More often than not, my attitude is (and I just said this to her, last night): "Feed me or feed me to something. As long as I'm part of the food chain."

Micromanaging is not where it's at for me and any lady that takes a few minutes (almost literally) understands that. I'm not huge on protocol and such (although I demand manners and courtesy be shown to all).

I think the issue, to some degree, is that you're looking at some leather-clad hard ass and you think that you don't measure up. That's ridiculous. You, as a dominant, are required to live by your own ethical (or moral, if you will) code and to obey the laws of the land (or suffer the consequences). You, as a dominant, are NOT obligated to measure up to someone else's idea of who or what a "dominant" is.

If you're interested, I have what's become something of a "Mission Statement" for me that started out on these very boards about 8 years ago or so. If you message me on the other side, I will try to figure out how to send you a copy (I'm not sure if it's possible to send .doc files on this site).

Good luck in your new journey of self-discovery.



Peace and comfort,



Michael



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