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njlauren -> RE: please tell me ... (3/24/2013 8:00:19 AM)
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I think you have to look at this like you would any relationship, if you put an ad on Craigslist or some dating site, how would you handle it? Would you jump into bed with any clown who responded? Would you go to some guys apartment not knowing them, and have sex? Would you expect every response to be a nice, real guy? I doubt it, same on here......and even more so, because with BD/SM play, you need even more trust then you would with vanilla sex, need to be more safe (which is relative, obviously......both you need to be really, really, really cautious).
First of all, like any site, you will get a lot of garbage, you will get guys who are wanking off to your picture, you get creeps who live in the mother's basement and get off on anything in between video game sessions, you get nerdy little guys who have a pair of leather jeans and think that makes them a dominant......I have gotten stuff that did something I didn't think possible, amazed me at how stupid it was.
If you are for real (and I apologize, but we get a lot of trolls, too, on here), then if you are really curious about all this, you need to do a lot of work before plunging in. I am sub, so I am speaking from your side of things, thought there are some topnotch dominants on here who also can offer a lot, LadyPact and a number of others, because they are the real deal.
1)Submissive doesn't mean doormat, it doesn't mean "you can do what you want to me", when you are submissive, when entering a relationship, you have the duty to spell out what you are into, what you aren't, and limits, hard and soft (I'll explain that in a minute). I don't care the jackoffs who tell you it is the subs duty to do anything the dominant wants, that is a load of complete and utter bullshit (yes, there are people who have that kind of relationship, but those are people who have done this kind of thing a long time, know each other, and trust each other enough to do that....for you to do that would be like being someone who is 50 pounds out of shape, hasn't trained at all, and try doing the iron man triathlon).
You negotiated what goes on and yes, you need a safeword. Any dominant dealing with especially a newbie will insist on it, if they don't, run the other way, they either are a psycho or some dweeb who got how under the collar reading 50 shades of gray and decided he was a 'master' or something. Safewords are not be alls and end alls, because they require the other person to heed them, but if you ever find someone and are playing with them and they don't heed your safe word,start screaming, do anything you need to do to try and get them to stop (if you can't stop it yourself), and get the fuck away from the loser as soon as you can. There is absolutely no reason to blow through a safe word, as long as the person could hear it and knew it was your safeword, then there is no excuse, getting caught up in it, etc, is no excuse. That scene is done, I would walk away, and not allow him to sweet talk you that day. You may decide later the guy was excited, was inexperienced, after talking to him, but at the very least don't play with that guy again until you have gained confidence it was just a slip up, rather then the guy being some sick SOB caught up in his own image as "dom".
BTW, with safewords, the reason people often choose uncommon words and not 'stop', 'don't do that', and so forth, is to make sure it is clear. If you say 'banana', "orange", "coffee cake", they are so weird, out there, they only could be a safeword, guy can't say "oh, I thought when you said orange, you meant you wanted orange marks on you", it doesn't fly (banana may not be good, since it could be construed as wanting a banana shoved somewhere). Friend of mine loved to use German words, said that it is such an expressive language for commands, like "Achtung!" or "Heil" (I think she watched too many WWII POW movies myself...).
2)These things are negotiated, it is a relationship. If a beginner, I would negotiate each play scene, until you gained more experience. Something that one time might appeal to you, might not another time, so negotiating temporary limits and such is not a bad thing IMO..plus it also allows you to explore with someone you don't know, and see how they react. Some will say this is topping from the bottom, that you should just tell him once "this is what I will do, this is what I won't" and that is it, but that is bogus IMO, you need to find out what you can do and won't do, and negotiating each play session allow that. It is self protection as much as anything else, plus a dominant willing to do that IMO understands the dynamics of scene stuff.
If you get "no dominant would do that", or 'You are sub, you don't get to do that", then tell the joker to take a hike.
Your profile might say "I'll do anything", but that isn't consent, and you can't say that to someone you don't know, that is tantamount to getting yourself in deep shit with a psycho. Anything could mean allowing someone to kill you, or strangle you, or rape you or put rings through your clit or whatever, you can't do that. Even lifestyle D/s people who are in really strong power relationships at the very least, have the strength and trust in their partner to make that kind of thing.
3)As with any relationship, get to know the person first. Meet them at a public place, like a restaurant, get a feel for them, talk to them about their experiences, see if it sounds like they really have done this. If the guy makes you hair stand on end, get the heck out of there. Personally, I would recommend meeting the guy several times before doing anything like play. And as with vanilla dates with someone you don't know, let someone know where you are, what you are doing. If you ever decide to play with someone, make sure to let someone know where you are going, who you will be with, and also I would arrange a check in with a friend, via text perhaps, at a certain time, as a backup (yeah, I am paranoid, but I also know a lot of bad stories, too.....).
I agree with others, read the threads on here, and do some research. I like the greenery press folks a lot (they have a website), the bottoming book is great, and they have other ones on the lifestyle as well that can help.
The key thing again is this is a relationship kind of thing, and like in any relationship, it is about two people. Yeah, it is fun to fantasize about someone else in total control, that you as sub are 'owned' by him and so forth, and maybe some day you'll find a guy you want to do that with, as people on here have, but not as a newbie, and not with guys you meet through personal ads on here:)
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