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MadamAsianDom -> RE: Black male SUB, (3/25/2013 12:54:03 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: soreal1987
I just updated my profile, little hard for me to talk about myself i guess. Check me out tell me what you think.
I just read it. Compared to the virtually blank profile you had before, it's an improvement.
My suggestions, go back and fix the typos. Dominants, female dominants especially, tend to notice those types of things and form impressions partially based off of that. It gives the impression that you either don't pay attention to details or that you just don't care enough to proof read, or that you're lazy. None of these things are a good impression to give a potential Dominant.
So, in your first paragraph, my suggestions would be:
You state "some years" - specify how many. It doesn't have to be an exact response (i.e. 10 years, 5 months, and 6 days), but at the very least, if you've been in this, for example, for 5 years, and this is going to be your 6th, say 5 years. If it's a little over 2 years, put that.
Where you say "start off as", that should say "started off as" and there should be a comma after Dom and after Switch. And none of those titles (including "sub" as well) needs to be in all caps. You can capitalize them if you wish, since they are titles, but they aren't acronyms and you don't want to come across like you're screaming the titles.
"now doing the sub thing" will cause some to think "sub thing? What exactly is "the sub thing"?!". That would read better if worded as, "and now I would like to gain experience as a submissive."
2nd Paragraph -
As in the first paragraph, remove the all caps for "sub". Also, your second paragraph is one long run on sentence. It would read better if you had a period after "sub", and then made what is currently in parenthesis a separate sentence. (Put the word "I", in front of understand and a period after "in".) Then it should be, "I'm 25 years old" (space between your age and years), and you have the word "have" twice in a row. Delete one of those. To add interest, you may want to state what your associate degrees are in.
3rd Paragraph -
Since you're listing things in a series, my suggestion is to lose the capital letters except for "I'm", and after "toys", list a few of the ones you enjoy within parenthesis (for example: "toys (floggers, crops, whartenberg wheel, and clamps to name a few), latex"). Then put the word "and" in front of "lingerie", and a period after "lingerie". Take what you currently have at the end of the paragraph in parenthesis, out of parenthesis, and put "I'm" at the beginning and end it with a period.
4th Paragraph -
"when can" - should be "when I can"
"done some" - would read better as "have done some"
"when can" - again, should be "when I can", with a period at the end.
Also for that paragraph you could, in parenthesis, list the names of the types of anime, video games, or music you enjoy, and it might add further interest if you list the types of martial arts you've studied. Since you mention volunteering, you may decide to list examples.
5th Paragraph - I think most people dislike that. No further comment.
Of course, these are just suggestions. Aside from the suggestions that have to do with grammar, which I strongly suggest you implement, the rest is a matter of how much information you feel like putting out there for anybody and everybody to see.
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