how does one stop being anal

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

how does one stop being anal

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> how does one stop being anal

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

how does one stop being anal - 3/27/2013 10:53:28 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

excuse the non caps i am typing from a poorly lit room.

how does someone stop the need to control? my submissive personality may be natural or an extension of my upbringing. I was potty trained by 11 months. Could speak in full paragraphs to communicate maybe at 14 months, slow by the standards of my sister who excelled at verbal skills by age one. At family gatherings I learned to sit quietly at the table or on the porch, or if the situation allowed i could draw. my siblings and I are all 4 yrs apart and i was the baby. my sisters are 8 & 12 yrs older than i, respectively, so no real bonding occured.

it was expected that i be... good. the example, not for my siblings but for show, my sisters and brothers long missed that boat. and i guess i was complacent, naturally quiet naturally wanting to be, not bad.

in school i was the kid forced to sit next to the trouble makers, the bed wetters, the generally shoved to the back, children. I didnt complain or ask to be moved, unlike most of my contemporaries. instead i developed the ability to sprout hives. hives have saved me on more than a few occasions.

the thing is, i think my upbringing made me anal. i try to control things should not be controlled. right now i am sitting in a hospital room the reasons are not important other than to say it is a result of my anal nature. my body rebels, hives, weight, blood pressure are probably driven by this need to feel some control. and today i almost left the hospital because people at home cannot control my moms behavior. she went into my room and decided to change my linen and wash. i dont even like her to do hers, as she ends up tossing some fiber thing in the wash accidentally. i went ballistic, my pressure rose. i know because when they let me know she would not be stopped when the nurse had my arm in the cuff.

i am submissive because i have this need to be good. and because i am so tired of needing to feel in control. odd, huh? it is the only time i really relax.

right now i am still too involved with my moms care to find a relationship. but truthfully, even when mom passes on, i know i will be thinking of making sure my adult daughters and i are doing well. and what man is going to be ok with my feelings of responsibility to my girls will always be high on my list of priorities. no question there.. just the reality of who i am.

i want to relax. i want to let go. i know it is affecting my health and it would be so nice to say, the hell with it all. but... probably not possible.

so... how do i find a half step?

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: how does one stop being anal - 3/27/2013 11:01:45 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

Well, you could start with a therapist.

As for making your adult children a priority, any man who isn't going to understand that isn't worth having. Unless you are totally overboard with it.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: how does one stop being anal - 3/28/2013 4:40:26 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

i have considered it. i dont know if it will help relieve me of my guilt regarding how i was somewhat of a control freak with my girls (somehow my sons escaped the same treatment) as they were growing up. between me and their father, who treated me as a slave, i doubt either will ever marry. i feel i need to correct my earlier mistakes with them but hard to do with my mom still alive and with me.
i am sort of seeking a stop gap until she passes on.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: how does one stop being anal - 3/28/2013 9:59:42 AM

absolutchocolat

Posts: 1392
Status: offline

I am very, very OCD and anal retentive, but therapy helped me calm down a lot.

There's an excellent quote by Emmanuel Taney that I live by: "As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit."

Have faith in your ability to change. There is much more to life than trying to control every minutia of your life. Sounds like the stress you have is, to be frank, killing you. The things you are worried about are important -- your mom, your girls, and your health -- but life can and will go on without you. I say, get your health under control first and seriously consider some cognitive behavioral therapy. You should ask a doctor to refer you to mental health services.

Good luck, dear.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: how does one stop being anal - 3/28/2013 10:15:23 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5173
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

I wish I could find some words that would help. It must be awful to feel as you do. Please do talk to a therapist. That is so much better than making yourself ill.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: how does one stop being anal - 3/28/2013 10:34:00 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

First, be compassionate with yourself.

Perhaps beginning something like yoga will help?

I don't know if there was alcoholism present when you were growing up, in the event there was: Adult Children Of Alcoholics (or even Al-Anon) groups may be helpful to you.
In any event, the need to control is often caused by some type of family dysfunction.

What happens when there is a run-away stagecoach that is veering towards a cliff: there needs to be a hero to come along and grab the reigns.

A therapist can help you determine what things you need to have control over and what things you don't... and give you the tools for letting go.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Missokyst)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: how does one stop being anal - 3/28/2013 12:41:15 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

That's a great quote. Although I had never heard it before, a year or so ago, I started living my life in that way more. It definitely has reduced a lot of stress and aggravation in my life.

(in reply to absolutchocolat)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: how does one stop being anal - 3/28/2013 11:58:52 PM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline

You could try getting fucked up the ass.

Oh wait, I think that makes you more anal.

I dunno, what was that thing DiNiro said in 15 Minutes?

_____________________________

Walking nightmare...

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: how does one stop being anal - 3/29/2013 4:32:17 PM

stephINca

Posts: 87
Joined: 1/19/2013
Status: offline

I had a similar problem focusing on my mother (who took advantage of the only child guilt) my kids and never on me. I finally had to stop and look at reality. There is a time that you have to stop taking care of everyone else and take care of you. Otherwise you will be no good to anyone else. I, for example, had to make my mom move out she is now with my aunt that in its self took a huge toll off my back. Yes I still have to put my children first BUT I have learned when that also goes to far like when I am the only one that does any chores etc. You don't have to completely abandon your mother or children to take time for yourself. One of my children will be an "adult" in 5 weeks however I will still be there while pushing her out of the nest one step at a time. In my case I think if I am not hard on her she will end up in the basement until she is 40 and that is no good for her or me. Oh and becareful you don't just shift your attention to a man because that is often what I did in the past where I still never focused on me ending in failure. In summary you matter to a lot of people and you can't be any good to the if you are making yourself sick mentally or physically.

(in reply to xssve)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: how does one stop being anal - 3/29/2013 9:02:37 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Thanks for the tips and kind words all. I am now out of the hospital and trying to recover my energy. I still don't know how long I have with my mom but I do know my sister is not the "take care of her" type. It's all a wait and see.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to stephINca)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: how does one stop being anal - 3/31/2013 8:44:32 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Well, you could start with a therapist.

As for making your adult children a priority, any man who isn't going to understand that isn't worth having. Unless you are totally overboard with it.

This. Very much this.

Also, meditation can help. So can sitting down and asking yourself, will I die if this doesn't get fixed, cleaned, not done, etc....? If not, why is it so important? Will it really destroy your life? Will you die? If not, then it's not important.

For me, when my husband passed away, I realized that nothing is all that important.

You need to find something in your life that puts that kind of perspective in your life.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Profile

Post #: 11