Upping the Kink (Full Version)

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hypervelocity -> Upping the Kink (3/28/2013 7:58:47 PM)

Hi everybody. I'm 28, straight, male, and a switch (although prefer sub). My gf and I have been in a mostly vanilla relationship for over 7 years now, but we've been experimenting with more and more kinky stuff lately. I've been into bondage since I was a child, but never got to act on my fantasies until now (with the exception of a scattered few failed encounters). She isn't as "into it" as I am, but she has enough curiosity and open-mindedness to be accommodating.

The problem with our sub/dom dynamic is that we both tend towards the sub side. So while I prefer to sub, I end up being the dom more often than not because I'm more "experienced". I joined here to learn more about being an effective dom, as well as to get some tips on how to get my gf to act more assertive and dominant.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: Upping the Kink (3/28/2013 8:05:39 PM)

~FRing it~

In my honest opinion, either she has it or she doesn't. Nothing you can do is going to honestly make her more assertive and dominant if that isn't her style.

But welcome [:)]



MAINEiacMISTRESS -> RE: Upping the Kink (3/28/2013 8:26:49 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

~FRing it~

In my honest opinion, either she has it or she doesn't. Nothing you can do is going to honestly make her more assertive and dominant if that isn't her style.

But welcome [:)]

I completely agree, and "Getting her to act more assertive and dominant" is still YOU dominating HER by "getting her to". If you are having to tell her how to act, tell her to do this/that, tell her to hit you and how hard...then that's Topping from the bottom and not submission on your part (not D/s). The dominance needs to come FROM HER, and like Trinity said, "either she has it or she doesn't."
Since you both are inexperienced I recommend finding a Dominant in your area willing to work with the two of you either as a mentor or for occasional Play sessions...since you BOTH want to be subs, that seems like the best way for you both to get what you need out of it. I recommend seeing a PRO-Domme, for one reason because a pro isn't going to expect sexual interaction (if you don't want a THREESOME). A lot of couples see a Pro-Domme as a fun "together" activity. Your local BDSM community probably can recommend one in your area. If you can find a lifestyle Dominant willing to have Play sessions with you both that's good too.
Oh, and WELCOME! *waves*
--MM



hypervelocity -> RE: Upping the Kink (3/28/2013 11:39:36 PM)

Thanks for the welcoming replies!

It's not that she doesn't "have it". We're actually both very similar personalities. We can be assertive when we need to be, but we have a tendency towards being passive. She has an inner bitch that comes out sometimes, but she's used to repressing that in her day to day life. I very much appreciate that she's a calm, rational person outside the bedroom, but I'd love to see her unleash the bitch on me inside the bedroom. I think with more practice being dominant she'd feel more confident in the role, and perhaps choose to initiate more often. I'm looking for ways that I can encourage her to do that.

Here's a comparison: I used to get blowjobs infrequently, and they were usually bad. Funny enough, this was my own fault. I didn't know how to properly receive a blowjob. I gave no feedback and didn't seem into it, so my gf wouldn't be as into it, so her performance would sag, so her desire to repeat doing the activity at all would drop. Then I got some sage advice. The next time I got a bj I started making more noise. I started talking a bit. I got into it. Then as if like magic, SHE got into it! It was a revelation. We enjoyed ourselves so much that she started to initiate them more often, and the increased practice she was getting made them get continually more enjoyable. I now get amazing blowjobs fairly frequently and without having to ask, and it's simply because she loves how the way I respond makes her feel.

I think a major hurdle for her is that she feels uneducated about being a domme, and this feeling leads to worrying about causing me real harm. It's a legitimate concern, but the fact that I can trust her completely to have my best interests at heart is what tells me she could be an amazing domme with the proper training. The struggle for me has been trying to figure out how to train her without topping from the bottom. My strategy has been to just top from the top and "show her the ropes", but this is just showing her some technique rather than building her desire to be dominant.

I like the idea of her getting training from a pro-domme, but I don't know how I'd broach the subject with her. It could potentially violate some of the groundrules in our relationship. A threesome would definitely be a non-starter, but something that was non-sexual, educational, and private might just work.



Level -> RE: Upping the Kink (3/29/2013 4:43:02 AM)

You need to talk straight to her: "this is what I'd like, how do you feel about it?". Either it will interest her, or it won't.



kalikshama -> RE: Upping the Kink (3/29/2013 4:50:17 AM)

When my (now ex) husband and I were noobs, I bought "Screw the roses, send me the thorns" and suggested we do this and that. Worked great!

The two of you might enjoy The New Topping Book as well.

Of course, give her the same positive feedback you did with the blowjobs.

Good luck!

KK




ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Upping the Kink (3/29/2013 5:11:22 AM)

I'm of the opinion that everyone is a combination of dominant and submissive personality traits. Sure, some people have more sub traits than others, and vice versa, but we all have both sides we can bring out to play and learn how to use for our partner's pleasure.

So start by helping her enhance those already dominant traits, and realize you are allowed (all on your own) to enhance your sub traits and your sub response to her.

You do that by finding ways in which she is dominant, even if it's as basic as how she likes the toilet paper roll hung, and submit to it. Stop thinking she has to *make* you submit. Submit.

There is a great book list floating around, try the search feature. I'd also look for past threads on the topic of what it is to submit, or what submission means, as it's my opinion most males 'subs' need help processing through their own deep aversion to being seen as 'unmanly' b/c a part of themselves wants and needs to submit.




OohAahMrs -> RE: Upping the Kink (3/29/2013 10:01:10 AM)

Welcome hype, you've got a gf, at least you can negotiate from a position of advantage.



Rasciallymisty -> RE: Upping the Kink (3/29/2013 12:29:54 PM)

Welcome to the forums and Collarme...sorry not a Dom and no tips to offer, but I wish the best of luck to you and your g/f.



hypervelocity -> RE: Upping the Kink (7/2/2013 11:35:51 PM)

Hey everybody, it's been a few months and I just thought I'd post an update.

I finally had a long conversation with my girlfriend last night. I had been putting it off, and putting it off, because I was afraid of changing out relationship dynamic in a negative way. With the exception of this one thing, I love everything else about our relationship, and I didn't want to jeopardize that. Recently I was dealing with some other emotional issues that got stirred up from my past, and my girlfriend was helping me through them. Her supportive nature made me feel comfortable sharing my desires more openly than I had in the past.

I learned that she did not realize how strongly I felt regarding my submissive desires. She assumed that this stuff was more of a novelty for me, and she had no idea that I had needs that were not being met. I am now kicking myself for not being brave enough to share this side of myself much earlier. After getting everything out on the table, we agreed to each work on some things to better out relationship. She will work on learning to channel her dominant side, and be more forward in terms of expressing what she wants sexually. I am going to work on being a better communicator, and make an effort to help out in ways that will reduce her stress and otherwise free her up to study her "homework". I've accumulated a number of books and other resources to help her out (thanks for some of the suggestions).

It's only one day since we talked, and already I'm seeing positive effects. She's approaching sex with a much more aggressive attitude, and I'm LOVING it! She hasn't even tied me up yet (which is the activity that provokes the strongest submissive response from me), and yet her attitude change alone is enough to send me into subspace. I want to thank you all for your kind words, advice, and encouragement. I feel closer to my girlfriend than I have in a long time.



TieMeInKnottss -> RE: Upping the Kink (7/3/2013 3:35:00 AM)

See!!! Sometimes we overthink, worry and psyche ourselves out over something and it turns out to be so simple we can then worry about the amount of time we spent being worried!!! Congrats



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