RE: How to get out of your own head

RE: How to get out of your own head (Full Version)

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JeffBC -> RE: How to get out of your own head (4/2/2013 9:56:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy Jeff, I can't picture you being incredibly quiet, mild mannered, and meek. I have my moments laughs. But no, that isn't a characterization most who know me would use. Then again, that's not what you said and you're leaving at least 50 shades of grey between your black & white absolutes. My point remains though. It appears like Tinkerer isn't generating some natural response in you. You appear to feel that absence but not in a gnawing sort of way... more in a curious sort of way. Perhaps the only thing you need to remind yourself is that you're not "all that" either. In reading Tinkerer's post I'm getting the sense that I'm not too far off on the humility thing.

littlewonder -> RE: How to get out of your own head (4/5/2013 8:43:47 PM)
I always imagine being like Master sometimes....in the back of the crowd, scanning the room, paying very, very close attention to all the subtle details about people and the surroundings, all the while everyone is unaware of him. Then when the right time hits, he pounces on his prey. [:D] As for your arrogance, visit the children's ward, volunteer in the poorest areas of your neighborhood, go to church, pray and put some thoughtful meaning into it, ask yourself why you feel the need to be arrogant. And why you have no respect for Tinkerer because personally it sounds like at times, you don't, especially since you already know this is what bothers him and he wants you to change that aspect of yourself. So do you WANT to change or not? If you're still having the problem, I'm suspecting you're getting something out of it and you have no desire to change it.

littlewonder -> RE: How to get out of your own head (4/6/2013 11:45:24 AM)
This is Kana. Frankly, I think lots of this is on the Dom. Most subs get out of line from time to time. It's a natural thing-maybe they get too comfortable in their place, maybe a smidgen too secure, perhaps they're testing boundaries, checking up in control. IMHO, at those points, it's on the Dominant to provide structure and accountability. The lil one gets a wee bit uppity episodically, crossing the line between sassy and smartass. Then I slap her down gently, remind her of her place and position in my/our life. This can be a look across a room, a raised eyebrow, that certain tone of voice, a question (WTF do you think you're doing?), an incredulous glance, or actual actions/reciprocity/consequences (Like stapling her lips shut). The slave/sub brings willingness and service. The dominant one provides the framework, sets the rules, constructs the cathedral they'll live within. And I suspect that's more so true in this case than less. The OP made a point that their prior relationships as a sub were based in control and discipline. The actions are a demonstration of that need. As for journals, when I'm in a new interaction I use a form of that. When we play, I'll have em write an emotional log of the experience, less a "first he did this, then he did this" sort of thing and more of a "when he did this, I felt like, or I responded in such fashion internally" deal. I've found over the years slaves/subs often have difficulty articulating things that hit real close to home, especially negative feedback/confrontation type stuff. So I provide them that forum as a means to get to know em better. The feedback rules are simple. There is no reciprocity or comebacks for anything written in these journals. Instead, they write em, send em to me, and the next time we meet, she kneels at my feet, rests her head on my knee and we go over her comments/reports line by line in an honest open manner. This fives them an outlet to express their cares/concerns and it gives me insight into what's going on with them on the inside. I'm a dominant, not a psychic. When we're new to each other I don't know how they feel, how to fully read their reactions yet. The reports let me know what's really going on, clear up misinterpretations ( I can remember one gal who I totally thought was into something I was doing and it turned out that she hated it,-I completely misread her response. Had we not done reports, I'd have never known. Instead, we nipped the situation in the bud and moved happily on). I also have State of the Union moments, where we sit down and discuss things, us, the relationship, lines, rules, examine things from both sides. Take inventory of us, in essence. These are good things. They keep us in synch, keep the lines of communication open, keep resentment or negativity from festering and clear the ground for us to grow together in openness and honesty, marching side by side together into an uncertain world and future. And that's all good stuff from this cats POV.

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: How to get out of your own head (4/6/2013 4:11:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder This is Kana. Frankly, I think lots of this is on the Dom. Most subs get out of line from time to time. It's a natural thing-maybe they get too comfortable in their place, maybe a smidgen too secure, perhaps they're testing boundaries, checking up in control. IMHO, at those points, it's on the Dominant to provide structure and accountability. The lil one gets a wee bit uppity episodically, crossing the line between sassy and smartass. Then I slap her down gently, remind her of her place and position in my/our life. This can be a look across a room, a raised eyebrow, that certain tone of voice, a question (WTF do you think you're doing?), an incredulous glance, or actual actions/reciprocity/consequences (Like stapling her lips shut). The slave/sub brings willingness and service. The dominant one provides the framework, sets the rules, constructs the cathedral they'll live within. And I suspect that's more so true in this case than less. The OP made a point that their prior relationships as a sub were based in control and discipline. The actions are a demonstration of that need. As for journals, when I'm in a new interaction I use a form of that. When we play, I'll have em write an emotional log of the experience, less a "first he did this, then he did this" sort of thing and more of a "when he did this, I felt like, or I responded in such fashion internally" deal. I've found over the years slaves/subs often have difficulty articulating things that hit real close to home, especially negative feedback/confrontation type stuff. So I provide them that forum as a means to get to know em better. The feedback rules are simple. There is no reciprocity or comebacks for anything written in these journals. Instead, they write em, send em to me, and the next time we meet, she kneels at my feet, rests her head on my knee and we go over her comments/reports line by line in an honest open manner. This fives them an outlet to express their cares/concerns and it gives me insight into what's going on with them on the inside. I'm a dominant, not a psychic. When we're new to each other I don't know how they feel, how to fully read their reactions yet. The reports let me know what's really going on, clear up misinterpretations ( I can remember one gal who I totally thought was into something I was doing and it turned out that she hated it,-I completely misread her response. Had we not done reports, I'd have never known. Instead, we nipped the situation in the bud and moved happily on). I also have State of the Union moments, where we sit down and discuss things, us, the relationship, lines, rules, examine things from both sides. Take inventory of us, in essence. These are good things. They keep us in synch, keep the lines of communication open, keep resentment or negativity from festering and clear the ground for us to grow together in openness and honesty, marching side by side together into an uncertain world and future. And that's all good stuff from this cats POV. WoW. Even though, I am generally good at "expressing myself" it is always hard to come up with ways of defining examples of things a "good" Dom does or when someone new wants to know how to handle things....Kana has summed up one of those "fuzzy" areas. Kana, do you mind if I "plagerize" the part about the cathedral? I have been trying to re-write my profile & would love to use it f

SomethingCatchy -> RE: How to get out of your own head (4/6/2013 5:24:16 PM)
quote: As for your arrogance, visit the children's ward, volunteer in the poorest areas of your neighborhood I'm not entirely sure what this is supposed to do. Is it supposed to teach me a lesson I already know - value what we have, have compassion for the less fortunate, give of yourself to better the world?

littlewonder -> RE: How to get out of your own head (4/6/2013 5:46:19 PM)
I would hope it would give you sympathy and empathy towards those and make you realize that in the grand scheme of things, you are not that important. It's supposed to teach you to be humble and appreciate who you are with and your entire life. If you can't see that or understand that, then you're beyond your Dom's help and it's time for a therapist.

SomethingCatchy -> RE: How to get out of your own head (4/7/2013 10:14:11 AM)
You're completely out in left field, but I'm sure other people will benefit from things you've said here.

angelikaJ -> RE: How to get out of your own head (4/7/2013 11:34:55 AM)
Okay, This is what Tinkerer said: Thinking more highly of yourself than the others around you, on the other hand, is not. Perhaps working on your self centeredness will give you the adjustment you are looking for. One of the ways one can do that is to make one's self humble by volunteering talents and time to those "less fortunate". IF you are lucky you will see that the lowliest person can be brilliant, can have compassion and grace or humor that puts you to shame. You aren't better than the the lowliest of the low, nor less than the loftiest of the loft. You are an imperfect human being with foibles, dents, and tarnished spots. Tinkerer likes you for who you are, but being better than is annoying. I find it ironic that you seem to find yourself "too good" for well thought advice, even acknowledging it is something that might be helpful to someone else. So, I guess the sixty four thousand dollar questions are: is your arrogance a problem for you AND do you want to change?

SomethingCatchy -> RE: How to get out of your own head (4/8/2013 11:27:13 AM)
The only problem here is people are telling me to do something I already do/have done/will always do. I LOVE volunteering. I am completely confused as to what doing more of what I'm already doing is supposed to teach me. I'm going to have to seriously think about why Tinkerer thinks I think I'm better than everyone else. He is the only person that knows me to have ever told me that I have a higher opinion of myself than I should and I like to think that my friends would tell me to stop being a stuck up snot if I were being one.

angelikaJ -> RE: How to get out of your own head (4/8/2013 11:37:20 AM)
Then ask him to give you concrete examples... . You may not be necessarily a stuck up snot in an egalitarian environment... perhaps you come across as a stuck up snot when you are in a situation that makes you feel insecure? It doesn't seem as though being submissive is necessarily within your comfort zone. I have experienced that same thing in a new work environment. I didn't want to come across as being incompetent and so over-compensated, and well... came across as a stuck up snot. (And I'm not that way at all, well hardly ever [8D] .)

JeffBC -> RE: How to get out of your own head (4/8/2013 11:57:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelikaJ Then ask him to give you concrete examples... . Good call. If it's situational then one of my best tricks is to ask the other person to flag it when they see it. I find that discussing nuanced topics when there is an actual nuanced example at hand to be effective. So in Catchy's situation I might say to Tinkerer... "Look, I'm struggling to get my head wrapped around this when it's all in theory and hypothetical. But trust me on this, I do NOT want to spend the rest of my life being any more arrogant than I have to be. So how about the next few times this comes up you flag it as quickly as possible so we can discuss what happened." Of course, when that discussion occurs I have to treat it as a learning opportunity rather than a legal defense.

kalikshama -> RE: How to get out of your own head (4/8/2013 4:02:42 PM)
quote: My problem is how do I get out of my own head? I'm slightly arrogant, very opinionated, out spoken, hard headed, obstinate, obsessive... many of those qualities make me a good dominant. Not so much a submissive. I'm having to remind myself to adjust my attitude when I talk to him. I'm having to remind myself to do things for him or talk to him about things. I've even got to remind myself to do the things he's told me to do. It bothers me that I'm having to put so much effort into getting it all done because for me, my desire to be either dominant or submissive has come naturally based on the personality and influence of the person I'm with. I'm quite opinionated, out spoken, and possibly arrogant when it comes to food quality. Saturday, when I told B I needed about a 45 minute lead-time for dinner, he told me I'd done enough cooking that day, and to make that dinner tomorrow; he wanted to spend that 45 minutes (plus clean up time) with me. We got take-out. I was happy to do this for him. In other relationships, ego or agenda might have led me to dig in my heels and insist. (I've been called a Food Top, lol.) Submission does come naturally for me with B. If I were having your struggle, I would wonder if the relationship I preferred with Tinkerer was bottoming rather than submitting.

orgasmdenial12 -> RE: How to get out of your own head (6/2/2013 10:48:14 AM)
I don't think you can change your reaction to a person. I think that if this was the right person for you, you'd already be feeling all those wonderful things. The fact that you aren't kind of says it all, no?

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