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How to get out of your own head - 3/31/2013 2:52:03 PM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		My life has taken some serious detours and I'm hoping that it's all for the better. As a person that's nervous to change, this change obviously makes me nervous.

I've accepted a position as bottom to my husband Tinkerer, and in the future that may lead to collaring within a Daddy Dom type of relationship.
There's distance of about 5 hours from each other. He's given me tasks to complete throughout my day, some online, most off line, and I'm supposed to tell him about those things and show him my work. Many of these tasks are doable and enjoyable, too. Some of them exercise my natural creativity, and some of them are literal exercise for my physical and emotional health.

I am a switch and I lean more toward the D side, but I do enjoy bottoming for someone who's capable and inspiring. There's always been a part of me that wished I knew a seriously dominant man who could push my buttons the right way so that I felt mentally enslaved to him and completely consumed with making him happy.
Tinkerer isn't that kind of person. He can be, but because of his work schedule, sleep schedule, and how he handles stresses and his personal life make it only 'sometimes' and 'take it as it comes'. The goal for my bottoming to him is to create an environment that I feel safe in as I go through some major life changes. He's fully capable of making me feel safe. I believe that he's even capable of a Daddy Dom relationship. In the past, my interest in dominant men has been more about control and rigidity and less about compassion and love. It's been difficult to stop judging Tinkerer for what he can't do (wtf? who am I to judge anyway?! this fact disgusts me about myself) and accept a different dynamic than what I've wanted before.

My problem is how do I get out of my own head? I'm slightly arrogant, very opinionated, out spoken, hard headed, obstinate, obsessive... many of those qualities make me a good dominant. Not so much a submissive. I'm having to remind myself to adjust my attitude when I talk to him. I'm having to remind myself to do things for him or talk to him about things. I've even got to remind myself to do the things he's told me to do. It bothers me that I'm having to put so much effort into getting it all done because for me, my desire to be either dominant or submissive has come naturally based on the personality and influence of the person I'm with.

I'm not a negative nancy about this. None of it hurts my feelings or makes me angry or whatever. Just bothered a lot by the need to shift from my natural control streak to letting it all go in someone else's capable hands.

_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.
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RE: How to get out of your own head - 3/31/2013 3:09:23 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I'll think about this, but right off the top of my head I can say that having people in your life that would have the green light to give you feedback might be a great check mechanism for you. I have a very few trusted people that can tell me when I'm out of line on things, and when they voice the things that I cannot see at the time, it gives me the wake up call that I need.

I also try to watch what happens around me. If I get into a more negative frame of mind, there is plenty there around me to clue me in IF I pay attention to it. Then I can find a more humble place, where I am happier myself.

Not sure if that helps much, but I felt that I knew exactly what you were talking about, and for me it's the feedback from others and then from myself that does the trick of getting myself back where I like being. Sounds simple, but it's not. You have to be very mindful of how you go through the day, and how you affect those around you. I"m not quite sure how to get those traits other than to do what I do, and try to reflect upon my words and actions whenever I get the chance - quiet times like driving are good.

That being said, I'm having a hard time for the last couple of months finding my happy place. I've been working at it, sometimes I succeed better than others. It's a natural consequence of where my life is at right now. So I guess I'm saying that I know when I'm in the zone, and when I'm not. I don't always know how to get back to neutral, but I can sense when I'm off- so I just keep plugging away at the things that I need to, and hope I'll get to where I'd like to be. I've made a lot of discoveries about myself in this time span, and am figuring out the things I need to know- I feel that peace of mind is coming if I keep working for it.

Not sure if any of that made sense or will help at all.

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)
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RE: How to get out of your own head - 3/31/2013 3:13:53 PM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		It made sense, it helped, and I thank you so much. The word HUMBLE is what I am aiming for in my relationship going forward. Taking myself down a peg or two without causing upset or frustration to Tinkerer so that he does it for me.

_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to lizi)
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RE: How to get out of your own head - 3/31/2013 5:21:42 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		All those qualities you assess about yourself I possess. And they're what makes me a good submissive.

Arrogance, well more just a strong sense of self. And that's what makes me a healthy person.

I'm highly opinionated which makes me a good resource when he wants to know things. He doesn't have to research it all because he can tap me for that info.

Out spoken. I don't ride roughshod over others but I don't suffer fools gladly. I don't accept stupidity from others, which makes me a better person. Thus a better partner and submissive.

Hard headed goes along with the rest. If you do know something, there's no reason to doubt yourself.

You seem to be defining submissive as someone filled with self doubt. Someone wishy washy. Someone incapable of delegating important tasks to. Honestly, if you really were that incompetent, the only dominant who would want you would be someone who was incredibly insecure himself.

Strong dominants are not threatened by strong submissives.

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(in reply to SomethingCatchy)
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RE: How to get out of your own head - 3/31/2013 5:47:21 PM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		I didn't intend on anything coming off as me thinking a submissive is wishy washy and full of self doubt. I think what I'm really frustrated with is some kind of (skewed?) image of a submissive being serene and compliant and when I look at myself in the proverbial mirror I see everything but that. There's a lot of self doubt in myself at this point in time, and that may be coming through in my post. I feel like my brain is 'heavy' because of all the thoughts swirling around in there for the past 2 months. If I come off as confusing it's probably because I'm confused!

_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: How to get out of your own head - 3/31/2013 7:28:54 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Have you talked to Tinkerer about this? Does he find your personality to be a problem? Or is this something that bothers you? If it's not bothering him then don't worry about it. Let it go. If it becomes a problem I'm sure he'll let you know in no uncertain terms.

You need to talk to him. For all you know, he may not want anything at all to change in you. Maybe he likes you just the way you are.


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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)
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RE: How to get out of your own head - 3/31/2013 8:28:19 PM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		We've talked extensively, and I've notified him of this post, too. I'm waiting for him to be able to read it to give me some feed back. It's nothing we haven't talked about before, but perhaps seeing it in writing will help jog something in his head.

There have been times where I've been myself and he's expressed that he didn't like the way I was behaving. Sadly, I have a really bad memory and I've forgotten what those things are. He's the type of man that says it once and not again. I'm more adaptable than he is, so I feel I'm better suited to working around his personality.

_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How to get out of your own head - 3/31/2013 9:04:58 PM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

I didn't intend on anything coming off as me thinking a submissive is wishy washy and full of self doubt. I think what I'm really frustrated with is some kind of (skewed?) image of a submissive being serene and compliant and when I look at myself in the proverbial mirror I see everything but that.


I think that fantasy ideas of what D/s is about leads to a lot of people, you and me included, to have some unrealistic image of what being submissive "should" be like. And then you compare yourself to that fantasy ideal, and of course you're not going to match up, because that fantasy isn't a real person or real life.

Struggling with your submission is normal, especially if it's a new dynamic or a new area of submission. It takes time to condition a new habit and a new way of relating to someone, and even then.... just because you're submitting doesn't mean you'll magically remember everything you're supposed to do and do it all perfectly and never be tired or frustrated or bored about it. Don't judge yourself so harshly!

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)
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RE: How to get out of your own head - 4/1/2013 7:23:13 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

Speaking from personal experience, getting out of one's own head as far as a D type experiencing the side of the kneel that an s type does is the hardest part for me too. I myself identify as a dominant female who has switched with an identified dominant male over the past year...and we both found our minds to be the hardest part to get to fall in line.

We both look at it from a dominant perspective of what we both "expected" a submissive to have...and know we don't have it by nature of who we are. I like what graceadieu had to say on the subject. We had to stop comparing ourselves to the idealized concept of what a submissive was and just accept ourselves in our "not quite ideal submissive" state. Once we started doing that, the door opened up in my own mind to being able to experience the submission for what it was.

The hardest part is letting go. I appreciate the strength that it takes to let go too. I've actually got a whole new appreciation for you s types But you, like me, can find a way somehow.

(in reply to graceadieu)
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RE: How to get out of your own head - 4/1/2013 8:09:28 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		I think the definition of submissive helps to outline things for people. Because I am a person who needs definitions, semantics etc. BUt that is all it really is , is an outline, with alot of blanks. Getting so caught up with what someone else says, lead me to confusion. One has to fill in their own blanks, and sometimes there is no answer at first. It Takes time. FOr a person with very little patience who wants to know right now its very frustrating. As far as semanics, I would get caught up in my definition of one word vs someone elses definition. When basically they meant close to the same thing using a different word. THe most confusing, frustrating times, I have found usually is leading to a complete break through. Enjoy your journey to understanding your relationship, and mainly yourself. I think we can spend our whole lifes discovering hidden things about ourselves.

I think its ok to stay in one's own head, even can be a good thing. Cause unless you understand your own head how can you really understand someone elses. and what I mean is by really knowing yourself.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 4/1/2013 8:14:17 AM >

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RE: How to get out of your own head - 4/1/2013 11:18:53 AM   
Tinkerer


Posts: 136
Joined: 7/18/2008
Status: offline 		I'll post this here in case it inspires anyone for advice.


quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy
I'm slightly arrogant, very opinionated, out spoken, hard headed, obstinate, obsessive...


quote:


It made sense, it helped, and I thank you so much. The word HUMBLE is what I am aiming for in my relationship going forward. Taking myself down a peg or two without causing upset or frustration to Tinkerer so that he does it for me.


...and I do believe that being a little humble would go a long way for you. I enjoy your strong opinions, out spoken-ness, and even your obstinate, obsessive behavior... like our dog Radar. It's what makes you you, and I love you for it.

Your arrogance, on the other hand, is what lands you into trouble most of the time. It is what blinds you into thinking you only have to answer to yourself, that your choices only affect you, and to limit your actions to doing what only you want to do. It's what causes you to go silent when you need to be telling me something. I see you struggle with this, and it seems like you are putting in a lot of effort to over come it. The way you behaved while visiting me last week was wonderful, with the exception of "that" morning.

To think highly of yourself is one thing. It's a positive trait to have, and one I like about you when it shines. Thinking more highly of yourself than the others around you, on the other hand, is not.

When you are down a peg or two you are wonderful, stubbornness and all. I appreciate your initiative in adjusting yourself before I do it for you. I don't expect you to be a serene and compliant submissive -it's not who you are. I enjoy that about you and and more that willing to make it very clear when you've gone too far. Perhaps working on your self centeredness will give you the adjustment you are looking for.

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)
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RE: How to get out of your own head - 4/1/2013 12:20:05 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

We've talked extensively, and I've notified him of this post, too. I'm waiting for him to be able to read it to give me some feed back. It's nothing we haven't talked about before, but perhaps seeing it in writing will help jog something in his head.

There have been times where I've been myself and he's expressed that he didn't like the way I was behaving. Sadly, I have a really bad memory and I've forgotten what those things are. He's the type of man that says it once and not again. I'm more adaptable than he is, so I feel I'm better suited to working around his personality.



Keep a journal and use it.

Also, if you do something that he does not like, perhaps he could follow it up with an email, which could lead to you setting forth an action plan of some sort.

Generally speaking, people feel insignificant when they tell [you] something is important to them and [you] forget what they said.
Do you have an actually crappy memory or does it crap out with the unpleasant?


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RE: How to get out of your own head - 4/1/2013 12:45:11 PM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		I actually have a crappy memory. There have been plenty of times where something good or positive was going to happen or has happened and I've forgotten. I can usually remember enough details to piece the puzzle together after someone prompts me, but prompting myself doesn't work. It's as if it never happened until someone starts talking about it again.

_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
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RE: How to get out of your own head - 4/1/2013 1:48:00 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

I actually have a crappy memory. There have been plenty of times where something good or positive was going to happen or has happened and I've forgotten. I can usually remember enough details to piece the puzzle together after someone prompts me, but prompting myself doesn't work. It's as if it never happened until someone starts talking about it again.


Then problem solve this with your dominant partner. Perhaps he can follow up with an email or writing it in a journal you both keep.
You can't expect to be able to work on your issues if you remain unaware of what the problem spots within your behavior are... and if you can't recall well enough to keep tabs on when you are being excessively egocentric, it will continue to cause problems. It sounds like you need some help with reinforcement.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)
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RE: How to get out of your own head - 4/1/2013 2:08:08 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I have some of the same struggles you do, and like you, I am can be a bit arrogant.

(A bit?)

It took me many years to realize that too much pride really is a sin - it makes you arrogant and gets in the way, and stops you from opening yourself to new ideas and experiences.

Have I conquered that in myself? No. But it's something I continue to work on.

_____________________________



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RE: How to get out of your own head - 4/2/2013 8:03:00 PM   
Tinkerer


Posts: 136
Joined: 7/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ



Perhaps he can follow up with an email or writing it in a journal you both keep.


I like the idea of sharing a journal. I already have him keeping one on his own, but having one that we share would be a good place for us to voice and vent things that are difficult to speak or should be referenced. Thank you.

< Message edited by Tinkerer -- 4/2/2013 8:33:42 PM >

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RE: How to get out of your own head - 4/2/2013 8:19:51 PM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		*cringe* She

_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to Tinkerer)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How to get out of your own head - 4/2/2013 8:46:50 PM   
Tinkerer


Posts: 136
Joined: 7/18/2008
Status: offline 		My first gender stumble!

I fixed it for you, SC.

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)
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RE: How to get out of your own head - 4/2/2013 9:38:58 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy
many of those qualities make me a good dominant. Not so much a submissive.

Many of those qualities would make you a pretty crappy dominant by my lights. In general those attributes are not the attributes of a good, healthy human being.

I'm having to remind myself to adjust my attitude when I talk to him.
Really? So you're natural attitude isn't appropriate? Because man, that would really concern me. I don't find myself needing to "try" to be respectful of Carol. I just respect her because I find her respectable.

I really don't have much input on the whole "needing to shift gears" thing. It doesn't sound like Tinkerer inspires your submission yet you are choosing to submit anyway. I'm cool with that. Are you?


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: How to get out of your own head - 4/2/2013 9:44:03 PM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		Jeff, I can't picture you being incredibly quiet, mild mannered, and meek. You have never come off that way, yet you are telling me that the attributes I've seen in your writing is something that 'would make you a pretty crappy dominant'. However, I've never met you, so maybe you do sit in a corner very quietly and twiddle your thumbs until someone notices you and asks you for your opinions

_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 20
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