Rare situation, looking for some advice (Full Version)

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knuckles9999 -> Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 3:17:37 PM)

Hey, this is my first post so if its in the wrong place then hopefully someone will move it for me.

Right this is the predicament im in. And i know that each individual will have there own views on this - which is kind of what im looking for.

Ok so ill try and cut a long story short.

Basically ive been talking to this sub online for a few months . She is very new and ive been introducing her slowly. I like to think im understanding and fair. The reason that we have kept things online is just purely down to the distance, we were planning to meet at the first opportunity and just take things from there. (i know some people have their own opinions of ldr's. Thats not what this is about)

Basically we have been taking things very slow..she said she has a lot of issues trusting when it comes to playing online, which im sensitive to. But she told me tonight that she met another dom and basically just let him do whatever he wanted to he (ill spare you the details) but he pushed her limits. Now obviously i am extremely angry about this but she has apologised and im convinced it wont happen again, she did say she finds it easier to play in person than online, which i understand.

My main question is this. Does she really have right to expect me to be understanding of her fear of playing online?

I was considered only taking her back if she done everything she did with that guy, with me online (or as close to as she could) Would that be fair do you think?

Im just looking for opinions. Im aware everyone would handle things differently, i just want to know how people would deal with this situation.



BitaTruble -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 3:27:13 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999



I was considered only taking her back if she done everything she did with that guy, with me online (or as close to as she could) Would that be fair do you think?



Sounds like blackmail. You really need to stoop to that level for someone whom you have yet to meet? Can't you find someone who is 'in' to you because she's obviously not.



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 3:29:15 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999

Basically ive been talking to this sub online for a few months . She is very new and ive been introducing her slowly. I like to think im understanding and fair. The reason that we have kept things online is just purely down to the distance, we were planning to meet at the first opportunity and just take things from there. (i know some people have their own opinions of ldr's. Thats not what this is about)

Basically we have been taking things very slow..she said she has a lot of issues trusting when it comes to playing online, which im sensitive to. But she told me tonight that she met another dom and basically just let him do whatever he wanted to he (ill spare you the details) but he pushed her limits. Now obviously i am extremely angry about this but she has apologised and im convinced it wont happen again, she did say she finds it easier to play in person than online, which i understand.

My main question is this. Does she really have right to expect me to be understanding of her fear of playing online?

I was considered only taking her back if she done everything she did with that guy, with me online (or as close to as she could) Would that be fair do you think?

Im just looking for opinions. Im aware everyone would handle things differently, i just want to know how people would deal with this situation.


The bold portions are all you need to know. You are online, the other guy was in person. She won't play with you but she'll do whatever he wants. This girl is not that into you and/or not into online relationships. She's been telling you that for months, but you're not listening. It happened once, it will probably happen again because a long-distance, mostly-online relationship isn't what she wants.

Let it go and look for someone who lives closer to you or who is more comfortable with long distance.



UllrsIshtar -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 3:33:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999
Now obviously i am extremely angry about this


Why?

Are you in a committed, monogamous relationship with her? Have you guys discussed that? Has she agreed, prior to this happening, to be exclusive with you?

If not... then why are you angry?

You haven't even met this girl... you have no claim on her whatsoever, and no right to expect anything from her beyond what she's agreed to.



quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999
My main question is this. Does she really have right to expect me to be understanding of her fear of playing online?



She can expect anything she wants from you.
If she doesn't want to play online with you, she doesn't want to play online with you... and she doesn't have to.

If you don't agree with what she expects from you, then walk away. If you're going to push her and expect things from her she doesn't want to do with you, she'll very likely going to walk away and find somebody else to talk to.

quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999

I was considered only taking her back if she done everything she did with that guy, with me online (or as close to as she could) Would that be fair do you think?



I think it would be silly.

It wouldn't be "fair" in the least, because she doesn't owe you restitution.

Honestly, you sound like you're just some horny guy trying to guilt this girl into doing kinky stuff with you on cam when she doesn't want to, by dragging a supposed D/s dynamic that's based on nothing at all into the mix.

If I could advice this girl personally, I'd tell her to walk away from you, because you're obviously unreasonable, lack self-control, and are incompatible with her.



knuckles9999 -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 3:39:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan


The bold portions are all you need to know. You are online, the other guy was in person. She won't play with you but she'll do whatever he wants. This girl is not that into you and/or not into online relationships. She's been telling you that for months, but you're not listening. It happened once, it will probably happen again because a long-distance, mostly-online relationship isn't what she wants.

Let it go and look for someone who lives closer to you or who is more comfortable with long distance.



Ive questioned that myself and asked her what it is she wants and she says she does want this. I dont have any worrys about if she is into me or not. Neither of us want a ldr but we are willing to deal with it as long as it is for the short term. Besides shouldnt this be about more than just the physical.



LadyPact -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 3:47:22 PM)

Yes, she really does have the right not to do things on cam for somebody that she's never met in person. There's not a thing in the world that stops her 'performance' from being recorded and plastered all over the internet. She is being smart about that and I'd advise anyone not to do things on cam that they don't want reproduced.

No, I don't think you using a blackmail tactic is fair at all. She wanted to play with someone in the real world. In other words, he gave her an opportunity that you do not want to provide. Real life is a heck of a lot more fun than an online game and I don't blame her a bit for wanting more than what's on a computer screen.

I'm going to thank you for starting this thread, OP. I'm really glad that some women out there are taking the cam thing seriously and I'm glad this person is taking steps to get out into the real world. I hope her play date was all she was hoping it would be.



Kirata -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 3:50:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999

i am extremely angry about this... I was considered only taking her back if she done everything she did with that guy, with me online

I think you are jealous. I think she blew the fantasy you had going on, but you still can't let go. So you want to make her pay for it.

K.



knuckles9999 -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 3:50:38 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar


Why?

Are you in a committed, monogamous relationship with her? Have you guys discussed that? Has she agreed, prior to this happening, to be exclusive with you?

If not... then why are you angry?

You haven't even met this girl... you have no claim on her whatsoever, and no right to expect anything from her beyond what she's agreed to.

We have been talking for months. Hours every day. I think its fair to say i know her pretty well. And yes we were committed and did agree to most of what you said. Hence why i am angry


She can expect anything she wants from you.
If she doesn't want to play online with you, she doesn't want to play online with you... and she doesn't have to.

If you don't agree with what she expects from you, then walk away. If you're going to push her and expect things from her she doesn't want to do with you, she'll very likely going to walk away and find somebody else to talk to.

If she walks away she walks away. I think im being reasonable tho. Surely if she can go meet up with some random guy then playing with me online is just a drop in the ocean.


I think it would be silly.

It wouldn't be "fair" in the least, because she doesn't owe you restitution.

Honestly, you sound like you're just some horny guy trying to guilt this girl into doing kinky stuff with you on cam when she doesn't want to, by dragging a supposed D/s dynamic that's based on nothing at all into the mix.


Well after she told me what she had done i was about to end things but she kept apologizing and apologizing so im thinking about giving her another chance.
If I could advice this girl personally, I'd tell her to walk away from you, because you're obviously unreasonable, lack self-control, and are incompatible with her.
I dont see how any of that is unreasonable. I dont ask or expect her to do anything that i wouldnt do myself.



knuckles9999 -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 4:00:13 PM)

Yeah i get what your saying. But were planning on meeting, its not like we just met or anything, we've been talking for hours everyday for months. We both knew it would take a bit of time before we were able to meet in person and we agreed that until then we wouldnt play or see anyone else.

Tbh the cam thing i understand. It was more of a way to test her to see if she was actually taking this seriously and to see how badly she wanted it. Again i only tested her because she decided to go and do things with that other dom.

I feel at the very least she could of at least told me she was going to do it before she done it and we could of talked about it.



UllrsIshtar -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 4:01:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999


If she walks away she walks away. I think im being reasonable tho. Surely if she can go meet up with some random guy then playing with me online is just a drop in the ocean.






No it's not, because they're not the same thing.

No matter how much she's talked to you, she doesn't know if she's got chemistry with you until you've met.

Online play on cam exposes her to all kinds of risks. You may be taping it without her knowing, and post it online, hurting her career potentials later on, you may try to use the footage to blackmail her.

Playing online OBVIOUSLY doesn't turn her on... playing offline probably DOES turn her on... why would the 2 be anything like the same?
Playing offline is something SHE enjoys... playing online is something you're asking her to suffer through despite not wanting/enjoying it... why would they be even close to the same?



knuckles9999 -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 4:07:23 PM)

Because the guy she met up with is someone she barely knows. If i was a girl i would find meeting strangers off the internet a lot more dangerous than playing online. Admittedly both have risks, but the guy she met was someone she barely knew.



DesFIP -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 4:10:06 PM)

You aren't real to her. For all you know she's actually a he. Until you actually meet and see if you like each other in person, you don't have the right to demand anything of her.

Next time meet people in the flesh instead of deliberately keeping it fantasy which is what an online only thing is. Be radical, have coffee with them and see if you like each other as friends.

You already know she needs what you can't provide, in person, hands on physicality. You aren't compatible.



knuckles9999 -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 4:13:52 PM)

Its just not possible, we live thousands of miles apart. Your partly right, you cant tell exactly how the person is going to be in real life but you can get a good feel about what they are like. Even then how many people do you know in real life that turn out to be different than you thought they were. Its not just online that goes for.

And just for the record, i know shes not a he.



lizi -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 4:15:43 PM)

So think through to the end here.... which is that she does everything she did with the guy for you online. Do you honestly feel that will satisfy you and patch things up? Or after you see it, do you think you'll be even more pissed because you'll be thinking the whole time that this isn't really something she's offering to you, she's only doing it because someone else got there before you did? Will you watch her performance with the idea in your head that she did these same things, in person, with someone else...?

I don't really think that you'll get what you want out of this solution, I think you might feel worse off - after all you're getting a cut rate version of the stuff that someone else got live. I'm just saying that I'm not sure an exact replica of this session with another man being performed by this girl to be a wonderful thing.

I'd prefer real life to virtual any day. She may have been talking to you, but really she doesn't owe you herself at this point. What if you'd met someone that really flipped your buttons? Would you tell the woman standing in front of you that you're saving yourself for someone else far away? If this girl online is new, maybe she hadn't had the opportunity to try things out in real life and didn't know she'd feel so powerfully about it. It's her prerogative to change her mind at this point, it's also her prerogative to say she doesn't want to do whatever for you online. Forcing her into it will just make her resent you if she doesn't outright kick you to the curb.



phoenixasubbie -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 4:17:42 PM)

If it is this kind of a mess before you even meet her, why would you want to proceed? Trust has already been jeopardized and that undermines the whole relationship.

Seems obvious enough to me that this is a train wreck speeding down the tracks....



knuckles9999 -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 4:20:09 PM)

Thats the way im leaning



knuckles9999 -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 4:23:26 PM)

I see your point. And your right, it does get to me that she was willing to do more for that other guy than she was for me. Of course real is better than virtual i just thought we were working to something a bit more meaningful.

I do disagree with the fact that its ok for her to just go behind my back like that. We had both agreed to stay committed until we met.



lizi -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 4:25:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999

Yeah i get what your saying. But were planning on meeting, its not like we just met or anything, we've been talking for hours everyday for months. We both knew it would take a bit of time before we were able to meet in person and we agreed that until then we wouldnt play or see anyone else.

Tbh the cam thing i understand. It was more of a way to test her to see if she was actually taking this seriously and to see how badly she wanted it. Again i only tested her because she decided to go and do things with that other dom.

I feel at the very least she could of at least told me she was going to do it before she done it and we could of talked about it.


I can't stand Dominants who ask for things out of testing, whimsy, or somehow not seriously wanting the thing they are asking for, and not having thought through what the cost to both of us will be. There is no faster way to lose my respect and any desire I may have had to serve, than to ask something from me because you have an asinine idea of "testing" me. If someone thinks they are going to waste my valuable time and effort doing something that they aren't invested in, they can go take a hike. I do not need a "leader" like that in my life. Just sayin...



MsLadySue -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 4:28:11 PM)

Having read the OP's very short profile, we need to take into account he's only 21. That explains a lot about his post



knuckles9999 -> RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice (4/2/2013 4:31:02 PM)

Well...that was patronizing



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