NuevaVida
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Joined: 8/5/2008
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I'm not reading "ultimatum" as "My way or leave", more like "My way or there are consequences."
But then there are consequences (good or bad, actually) for dang near everything in life. Sometimes even he suffers negative consequences for laying down laws that don't work out, no matter how thoroughly he felt he thought it through. Sometimes...and yep, I'm gonna say it...he makes mistakes (gasp!).
But really, our focus is on making life, our relationship, and our surroundings as positive as possible. So we focus on being positive. Laws aren't made by way of threats - ie; "Do this or else blah blah blah will happen and it will be very bad." It's more like, "Do this, and we'll experience even more awesomeness." We operate more along those lines.
Typically though, we talk through stuff to the point that we're on the same page anyway, with a good understanding of each other, and so I go off and do what he wants me to do because I "get it."
I do recall, however (and not too long ago), I was going on again about wanting more pets. He's not the bleeding heart animal lover that I am, and because I already had ONE cat when we met, he accepted that ONE cat along with me. But, you know, I want to foster every dog and cat out there, or take them all in as my own if I could. And I was telling him AGAIN about how I want dogs and cats and.....well he cut me off. He pretty much made it unquestionably clear that there will be NO more animals in our home - just the one cat. That's it. Period. Forever. The end.
So I hushed but cried and then decided if I can't take them all in then I'll just keep donating to rescue organizations that pull red-listed dogs and cats and find them homes. He's good with that and I'm probably helping more animals this way anyway.
There was another time a long time ago when he made it clear he did not want me shooting (I used to target practice). I didn't like the decision but it was his decision. It was non-dramatic, he just said "No, I don't want you shooting." I asked why and he said why and that was that. There was no, "No shooting or something bad will happen." So, in that way, ultimatums are not given. He says what he wants/doesn't want, and I do/don't do it.
Conversely, we did discover a couple of areas in my own psyche where I just can not go, and when we went there I realized I would rather not be in a relationship than to be in a relationship that would emotionally harm me. And I'm the one who said I couldn't give him XYZ so if he really wanted that, he'd need to find someone other than me who could give that to him. It wasn't so much an ultimatum/threat as much as it was understanding where I could and couldn't go, and if our relationship should continue or not, based on that. It was very difficult time, which took a lot of self reflection on both our parts, tons of dialogue, and even some space for thinking in solitude.
Regarding laying a law down with kids, I've had to do that with his daughter. I've basically let her know that I will not lie to him, and that he is my priority. She confides in me about a lot of stuff. I've given her some ground rules over what kinds of things I'll tell her father about, and what's ok to keep between the two of us. I've also told her things like, "Talking to me like that doesn't work for me, kid. I love you, but you're not going to get any response you like if you don't respect me." to which she hugged me and apologized.
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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.
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RE: Laying down the law! - 
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