How much info does a partner need? (Full Version)

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chatterbox24 -> How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 12:19:48 PM)

This question is exclusively to Masters. If you and your partner are not exclusive, how much info do you feel you should indulge to that person?

IN example.

IS it the partners right to know what you do with others?
Is it the partners right to know how many others there are?
Is it the partners right to know if you are hetero or not?



Tinkerer -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 1:15:38 PM)

I would have to answer:
Yes,
Yes,
and yes.

While they don't need a play-by-play they, as your partner have a right to know anything that you are doing that might effect them. Now, if they choose to not want that information, then it's another story. The fastest way to crash and burn a relationship is by withholding information or hiding things.

Keeping your partner informed of your other relationships goes along with trust. In many ways, being a good dominant or master is like practicing good animal husbandry: you are responsible for giving and maintaining all of your submissive's needs, especially emotional and mental needs. In any power dynamic, trust is key in holding it all together. And with trust comes honesty, which means disclosing things up front.



chatterbox24 -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 1:35:08 PM)

THanks for the input. I know people can be very private, and dont feel one relationship's in and outs ( no pun intended) lol should be indulged between each other. Kept entirely separate. Others do telll some of the details.
Is it enough to know there are other partners, or should you know how many, etc.
I wonder what the common consensus is, or the take on it. I know it will vary. IM not sure how I feel how much one should have to know.



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 1:38:32 PM)

FR~

I'm with tinkerer on this one.

Having any secrets from your partner, unless you have agreed before hand what they don't want to know, is a recipe for disaster.



JeffBC -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 1:39:18 PM)

I would want to know about actual health risks I was incurring. I'm not an expert at this but common sense would tell me I'd need to know numbers of partners, types of contact, and what sort of protection was used. In other words, I think I have a right to protect my own physical health and you have an obligation to provide the necessary information for doing that.

Beyond that I'd all be a matter of negotation



angelikaJ -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 1:53:26 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

This question is exclusively to Masters. If you and your partner are not exclusive, how much info do you feel you should indulge to that person?

IN example.

IS it the partners right to know what you do with others?
Is it the partners right to know how many others there are?
Is it the partners right to know if you are hetero or not?


From a safer sex standpoint, if you know your partner is non-monogamous then the issue is the possibility of STIs (which may be inclusive of blood-born pathogens), depending on your level of play.

If there is more than one partner then there is risk.
Period.
While theoretically there may be less risk if there is only one other female partner and your partner is strictly heterosexual, I think that is a less than ideal way to view it.

Your non-monogamous partner has another partner who may or may not be monogamous.
It is best to assume that the other person is also non-monogamous.

And while HIV is scary, one should not discount the issues an HPV infection can cause.
The strain that causes cancer is not the same as the one that causes genital warts... and simply put: men are not screened because there is not a reliable way to do it.
Oral HPV infections are causing cancers of the mouth and throat.
Something to think about when your non-monogamous partner wants a blow-job.

Informed consent/Risk Aware Consentual Kink should all apply here and one should take responsibility for one's own sexual health.




lizi -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 4:53:41 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

This question is exclusively to Masters. If you and your partner are not exclusive, how much info do you feel you should indulge to that person?

IN example.

IS it the partners right to know what you do with others?
Is it the partners right to know how many others there are?
Is it the partners right to know if you are hetero or not?


These are all things that are related to one's personal health and safety, Master or not, it's information that needs to be given by anyone. I would hope that anyone considering a "Master" who did not offer this information would walk away.



NuevaVida -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 4:56:35 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

This question is exclusively to Masters. If you and your partner are not exclusive, how much info do you feel you should indulge to that person?

IN example.

IS it the partners right to know what you do with others?
Is it the partners right to know how many others there are?
Is it the partners right to know if you are hetero or not?

We don't have a "rights" dynamic, in that "rights" are never discussed. We simply "are" and we move forward together that way. He's in charge, and he takes my concerns into consideration.

That said, I entered into a monogamous relationship so yeah, I'd certainly want to know if he was doing things with others, because it would mean reviewing how our relationship is structured. And yes, I'd want to know his sexual orientation because that's a pretty important part of someone, impacting how they might think and feel about things based on physical, mental and emotional experiences.






angelikaJ -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 5:24:25 PM)

My point is that beyond the knowledge that someone is non-monogamous, the presumed status of the monogamy of your potential partner's other partners is not relevant.
Reason being: your potential partner has no control over how many partners the other partner(s) has/have and therefor sex can be presumed to be relatively high risk.



muhly22222 -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 6:22:34 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

This question is exclusively to Masters. If you and your partner are not exclusive, how much info do you feel you should indulge to that person?

IN example.

IS it the partners right to know what you do with others?
Is it the partners right to know how many others there are?
Is it the partners right to know if you are hetero or not?


Yes, partners need to know at least the basic details of what happened with others, or at least be given the opportunity to know. If they don't want to, that's their choice, but information should never be kept hidden.

Again, partners should know how many others there are. They don't need names, they don't need play-by-plays...but they should know if it's 1 other or 10 others. Or, again, at least have the opportunity to learn that.

If you aren't hetero, you're partner should know that, as well. Sexual orientation can be a fairly significant part of somebody's identity, and not knowing what my partner's sexual orientation was would bother me. It would be like I didn't know part of them.



HopatcongHoney -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 8:09:04 PM)

A non-monogamous relationship is one where I am not having any type of sexual intercourse, so I don't much care what he does or with whom. Although, the non-monogamous portion of the relationship would end quickly either by me dumping him, or the two of us making the choice to move forward to a monogamous relationship.

Quite simply, whether sub or dom, I don't share.



LadyPact -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 8:27:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

This question is exclusively to Masters. If you and your partner are not exclusive, how much info do you feel you should indulge to that person?

IN example.

IS it the partners right to know what you do with others?
Is it the partners right to know how many others there are?
Is it the partners right to know if you are hetero or not?

Are we talking about long term partners here or when acquiring a new partner? There is a difference to Me because I don't think it's necessary to report every time there is a sexual encounter when everyone is already aware that there are multiple relationships or on-going arrangements. If you've been having sex with two people for the past five years, it isn't necessary to come home and tell person A on Thursday that you were intimate with person B on Wednesday when it's an already established pattern. If instead you slept with person C, where person C wasn't an established partner, that would change things.

IS it the partners right to know what you do with others?
People have the right to know what potentially affects their health. For Me, that's anything sexual or any type of S/m play that involves fluids. If I do a needles scene, MP has the right to know about it in case I inadvertently get a needle stick. He prefers to know ahead of time if I'm going to play casually (S/m impact play) with somebody, but it's not a huge deal if I tell him later.



Is it the partners right to know how many others there are?
This completely depends on what the parties have agreed to. For example, MP and I have very strict rules about this. (In the relationship between him and I, we are in the yes column.) Others may have open relationships where their rule is "we are allowed to see other people" and that is the only condition of their open relationship. If it was a cuckold dynamic, the fact that he *isn't* allowed to know how many bulls the woman has might just be a part of the dynamic.


Is it the partners right to know if you are hetero or not?
For Me, that's pretty easy because I'm straight. I absolutely have a preference to know this about others and that includes the hetero-flexible category. It doesn't really become My right to know unless it's going to be a fluid bonded relationship.



Part of the problem that I had in answering these things was My basis of the definition of the word "partner". Do My (non sexual) casual play partners have the right to know that I have other relationships? If you are talking about other (non sexual) casual play partners, probably not. Everybody that I play with knows that I'm married, so it's pretty obvious that I'm not engaging with just them. I think it's kind of a no brainer for people to know that I'm probably having a sexual relationship with My husband.

Also, yes, we are on a BDSM site, but not all relationships have a D/s or M/s component. MP is at the top of the food chain when it comes to a "right" to know. Somebody in a dynamic with Me may not have the same kind of rights, with the exception to those where it is a health issue.




DesFIP -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 8:35:27 PM)

It's up to your partner to set his or her standards of what they need to know in order to have non fluid bonded sex with you. So if Master A announces his new partner doesn't get to know what he does and with whom, she gets to decide that she isn't going to be any partner of his again.



BitaTruble -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/4/2013 10:46:08 PM)

fr

I think there needs to be enough information given so that subsequent consent actually has meaning and that's going to be subjective to the individual.

I appreciate him informing me when he's going to be out or away simply so I don't have needless worry.. that and the no-brainer stuff that at this point in time I don't even need to ask about pretty much covers what's my business and what's not.

As an example, if Himself comes to me and says he's flying out to X location for play time with sub G then I need information.

Do I need to pack and if so, when do you need it?
Do you want specific toys packed or would you rather they were shipped?
What time do you need to be picked up from the airport?

Stuff like that ...



littlewonder -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/5/2013 8:18:50 PM)

Yes. for medical purposes. I would want to know if you have sex with a lot of people and if you do, do you use a condom. I would want to know when was the last time you were tested for HIV and STDs.

I would not want to take chances with my own health just because the other person decided it was none of my business even though it really, really, really is.

ETA: Being this is not a relationship but just something casual between two people, I don't want to know for personal or trust reasons, but simply and purely from a medical health point.

If I'm just fucking and playing with you and that is it, I don't care who the people are that you sleep with. I don't care what you do with them. I don't want to know their names or any details. I just wanna know if I should be tested for herpes because you didn't bother to tell me the other person you slept with might have had them and a condom wasn't used.

Now once I get to know someone and decide we want a relationship then the reasons I would want to know are because I want to know every single detail about his life. I want a transparent, open and communicative relationship. If he can't share all the details of his life, then why would I want to be with him?






Darkstar101 -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/6/2013 10:27:36 AM)

I would like to know generally where I stand with them and vica versa. There is also health implications so anything which may effect you is something you have a right to know about.
That said I do not wish a blow by blow account of everything they did, that is personal and private, and I would not press for those kinds of details.



chatterbox24 -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/6/2013 11:31:04 AM)

THanks community for the info, different views.


Certain stuff needs to be known, its all about being responsible, but basically still you have to rely someone is being completely honest on their end, and an additional partner is being honest on the other end. Gess sure is alot of trust needed!![:D]



angelikaJ -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/6/2013 12:17:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

THanks community for the info, different views.


Certain stuff needs to be known, its all about being responsible, but basically still you have to rely someone is being completely honest on their end, and an additional partner is being honest on the other end. Gess sure is alot of trust needed!![:D]



That is why I think that once you know your partner is non-monogamous you need to view sex as being moved to a higher risk category.
Your partner has zero control over what anyone else does, and even if your partner trusts them, there are no guarantees.

I think perhaps that if everyone is part of a fluid bonded poly-fidelity group, that changes things... but if your partner is non-monogamous and that is all you know, then one should carefully consider the potential ramifications of that before engaging in sexual play without barrier protection.

I also wanted to offer my gratitude for posters who wrote things I had not given much thought to before.



SacredDepravity -> RE: How much info does a partner need? (4/6/2013 4:02:22 PM)

As the non monogamous party in my marriage, we have had all these many discussions before. Hubby is not my submissive, but I don't think that changes things here. This is a health and relationship issue, not a D/s or M/s thing. He has the right to know absolutely everything he wants to know. This isn't going to work if he feels like an outsider within our own intimacy. There will be insecurity, jealousy, anger, and suspicion. None of these are the makings of a healthy relationship. He also has the right to know everything he NEEDS to know. Even if he doesn't want to know some grimey detail of my sex life, he MUST know anything that may present risks to him. If I find out a partner has a disease or one of their other partners has contracted something, he needs to know what, if any, risk of exposure I have had and I owe it to him to get tested IMMEDIATELY. This has never happened, but if it did, I know he wouldn't want the play by play review, but we would have to go through that together to assess my risk, determine if I need to go in for testing, and how long he may need to quarantine himself from me to assure his safety. I don't see how any of this changes inside the bonds of a "lifestyle" relationship. I would treat a submissive in my care the very same way.

SD



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