RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs?

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UllrsIshtar -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/7/2013 11:22:50 AM)
Ask Red, he's the one who claims to know. [:D]

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/7/2013 11:40:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thezeppo I can't believe you've just outed me Level. Isn't this a TOS violation? ;-) LOL [sm=biggrin.gif] M

NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/7/2013 11:43:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 For what it's worth, I think something like this would get good results. "I don't have any experience serving a Mistress, but I'd really like to. I have taken massage classes and cooking classes. My favorite dish to prepare is ____. I also own a lawn mower and am not afraid to use it." If you demonstrate you're able to learn skills, and have the discipline to follow through with them, you will appear attractive in somebody's eyes. See, now, this makes perfect sense and appeals to me. At the same time, I can teach someone a lot about what I want in a submissive. But yeah, this is a great start! [:D] NBMG

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/7/2013 11:52:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: korata Reading the profiles here I see that most Mistresses seem to want experience. Why would that be? What would an experienced submissive be or do that an inexperienced submissive can't learn? For myself, the only experience that matters is ability to communicate clearly, follow directions, and deference/obedience, so none really. As has been mentioned, in the case of specific women, and their households, like LadyPact, some experience is very helpful. I belive that most women however, cringe when a sub comes at us with "I'm very experienced," because it usually means, you're very experienced at pleasing SOMEONE ELSE, not me; this usually means, we have to untrain them from what they thought was true of most/all dominas, and retrain them to our way of serving us; and that, is not always an easy task. M

MAINEiacMISTRESS -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/8/2013 3:49:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig quote: ORIGINAL: korata Reading the profiles here I see that most Mistresses seem to want experience. Why would that be? What would an experienced submissive be or do that an inexperienced submissive can't learn? For myself, the only experience that matters is ability to communicate clearly, follow directions, and deference/obedience, so none really. As has been mentioned, in the case of specific women, and their households, like LadyPact, some experience is very helpful. I belive that most women however, cringe when a sub comes at us with "I'm very experienced," because it usually means, you're very experienced at pleasing SOMEONE ELSE, not me; this usually means, we have to untrain them from what they thought was true of most/all dominas, and retrain them to our way of serving us; and that, is not always an easy task. M Yes, and I've found some subs' former Dommes had a really messed up agenda (!!!!), which I don't like to have to retrain out of a sub's "know it all" head so that they suit MY needs. Hunger to learn and a yielding attitude better describes what I like in a sub, rather than experience. I'd rather take a "fresh" sub who knows very little but who is eager and willing to LISTEN TO MY DIRECTIONS and do research I assign and teach him exactly how I WANT things done, rather than have him argue at every stage, "But THAT is the way I was taught to do this/that." I've rejected a lot of subs I've interviewed whom I actually LIKED who were too damned set in their ways and unwilling to learn to do things differently. ---Seriously? You're going to tell Me your old psycho-Domme's way is the "right" way? Why should I be the one to change MY wants/needs to suit the sub's former Training? Not going to happen! LadyPact does have an excellent point though, about a sub needing to know particular SKILLS to help Her in Her BDSM Community activities. It IS a pain in the neck and time consuming to have to train basic skills such as the ones She listed, and with Her active participation in BDSM I can see why She would not want or have time to train each sub from the ground up. Much like hiring a new employee, sometimes it's better they are fresh and can be trained-to-suit, and sometimes you need them already-skilled so they can get right to work. EACH DOMINANT IS DIFFERENT in Her/His needs, especially Lifestyle Dominants, and subs need to have a flexible, yielding attitude if they want to be attractive to a Dominant. It would certainly help if the sub has done lots of READING to prepare him/herself, and of course STAYED AWAY FROM FEMDOM PORN! [sm=shame.gif] --MM

JeffBC -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/8/2013 11:28:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Are you familiar with leather care? High protocol? Do you know how to oil a whip or change the cracker? Are you proficient at definitions associated with kink so that I don't have to explain everything I say? Do you know how to properly represent a leather household or what kind of commitment is required to participate in the leather community? Do I have to teach you how to black My boots or tend to My corsets? When I dress for a community gig, do you know how to tie one? OK, I just need to peel back the layers on this one. I get what you're saying and it's obviously true that in your household there's more structure so there's more stuff to know than there is in my household... sort of. But here's the thing. When two people end up "getting together" then what's happening is two lives are getting merged into one. Generally I think there is A LOT of learning that goes on. In fact, I'd say the overall amount of learning totally eclipses the stuff you listed above. I sat down and thought about what I know of Carol and what I know of the topics you listed and thought, "One week to pick all that up if she had the flu" In the end it's hard for me to believe that "sincere desire to serve" along with "non-stupid" wouldn't handle most such training needs in stride.

LadyPact -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/8/2013 12:18:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC OK, I just need to peel back the layers on this one. I get what you're saying and it's obviously true that in your household there's more structure so there's more stuff to know than there is in my household... sort of. But here's the thing. When two people end up "getting together" then what's happening is two lives are getting merged into one. Generally I think there is A LOT of learning that goes on. In fact, I'd say the overall amount of learning totally eclipses the stuff you listed above. I sat down and thought about what I know of Carol and what I know of the topics you listed and thought, "One week to pick all that up if she had the flu" In the end it's hard for me to believe that "sincere desire to serve" along with "non-stupid" wouldn't handle most such training needs in stride. Spoken very much as the representative that focuses much heavier on the love/romance factor rather than somebody who deals much more with the service/community/lifestyle factor. We're very different in this aspect between you and I. Take the current submissive out of the equation and look at it from the prospect of looking for someone new. We're both going to say that we'd look for a human with certain levels of character (honesty, loyalty, etc) and personalities meshing kind of thing. Your priorities from that point are going to be coming from the perspective of a person who is building a couple. Not one who is building a leather household and not one who already has a primary partner. While I'm completely confident in Carol's abilities, I'm pretty sure it would take her more than a week to obtain all of the knowledge and opportunity for practical application to be a slave in a leather household without any prior experience in a power exchange dynamic. There's more to it than the first five or six reasons that might come out off of the top of someone's head on a message board.

JeffBC -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/8/2013 3:05:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact While I'm completely confident in Carol's abilities, I'm pretty sure it would take her more than a week to obtain all of the knowledge and opportunity for practical application to be a slave in a leather household without any prior experience in a power exchange dynamic. Yeah, I share your confidence... on both sides. I didn't mean to imply there was nothing to know. I think you hit my confusion more clearly when you spoke about relationship patterns. Yeah, I'm looking at merging two lives so by the time you've already gone that far then pretty much everything is a discombobulated mess anyway and everything needs to be learned. But as you say, you aren't looking to merge two lives yada yada. You're looking for something different so the challenges and opportunities become different.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/8/2013 6:40:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: korata Reading the profiles here I see that most Mistresses seem to want experience. Why would that be? What would an experienced submissive be or do that an inexperienced submissive can't learn? See Hendrix.

seekingreality -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/8/2013 10:31:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: korata Reading the profiles here I see that most Mistresses seem to want experience. Why would that be? What would an experienced submissive be or do that an inexperienced submissive can't learn? I think it's less about what you "do" then how you comport yourself. And that's the thing about the experience -- you do subtle, almost unnoticeable things that make a huge difference. It's like knowing how to make a domme smile, and when not try to make her smile; not because there is some formula, but because you simply know. You won't be able to see a list of things that you need to learn and immediately process them and apply them. Even if you saw such a list, and you thought you got it, you really wouldn't. Experience is just that -- you can only acquire it by doing.

MaamJay -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/12/2013 9:37:35 PM)
I'm not high protocol like LadyPact so I don't have those needs for skills and experience. I will take on newbies though I realise it comes with the risk of no shows. Just recently, I had been talking to this boy for over 2 years, I finally land a job in his hometown. We have 2 vanilla meets which seem to go well and he assures Me that yes, he wants to serve Me and play. I already knew he had a vacation booked elsewhere, he said he would contact Me when he returns. That was over a month ago and he has been strangely silent. I know he's alive as I have seen him come online briefly and disappear as soon as he saw I was also online. Why can't he just be honest?? Thank you Ma'am, it was a pleasure to meet you but I don't feel comfortable about serving you, or words to that effect, would gain My respect and understanding. So, Dommes risk a lot by trying to take on newbies. On the other hand, We also risk Our sanity taking on very experienced subs unless We are convinced they have been trained in very similar ways to what We want! It is MUCH harder to break a habit than to make one, so an experienced sub who has been convinced there is only one way to do something - how their previous Domme wanted it done - is going to be in for a rough time. I once met a very promising sub but we parted company as he just could not, after several sessions, bring himself to look into My eyes. he had been so trained in the "eyes down" regime that he could not do otherwise ... and as I want My sub to watch Me and love to gaze in their submissive eyes ... it just wasn't going to work! So I guess I am looking for someone who has dabbled a bit, enough to be sure of what they want and that they will actually turn up ... with a deep desire to learn and willingness to obey. One whose pleasure is in knowing he has pleased. And one who is sufficiently malleable that I can mould him to what I want, and to how I want to be served. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

LizDeluxe -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/12/2013 10:05:53 PM)
I have no problem working with a blank canvas. Your past experience(s) may be of no applicable value to me. If your past relationship experiences were with someone just like me (doubtful) then it might be a plus. Starting from scratch is sometimes less stressful than debugging someone else's flawed programming.

cloudboy -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/13/2013 7:47:09 PM)
You can learn about others by interacting with them. I would not follow RedMagic's advice at all --- your job is not to be useful -- your job is to be yourself. No woman is going to be attracted to you by offering to mow her lawn. How you touch a woman is not governed by professional training either (massage), she wants to know that how you touch her is inspired by your feelings and thoughts of her. (It's an individual thing.) It's important that you like yourself, believe in your strengths, and cultivate them. At some point your interactions with others, and maybe a dominant woman, will lead to some kind of spark and then a connection. All in all it's important that you develop yourself and your ability to connect with others and women in particular. You can learn something from every experience -- including unanswered emails, rejections, or other frustrations and vanilla dates and other avenues of M-F interaction. It's very important as a malesub to look at the search as an adventure so as not to get discouraged by numbers-game and the dommes with whom you'd be incompatible. To some degree the search can be lonely and isolating -- as well as confusing -- so try to be balanced (with your own hobbies and interests) and take heart in all the positive interactions / connections that you can make. Good luck. One step at a time. Although you are "inexperienced," time and youth are on your side.

AAkasha -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/13/2013 8:01:07 PM)
Once again we have a 19 year old who has little to no experience and veterans suggesting things like knowing how to clean leather, mow lawns or take massage classes are going to help him get into a relationship with a dominant woman. But no one knows what kind of a relationship he seeks. Probably not even him! He may now believe that in order to have a relationship with sensual power exchange, he has to "barter" service. This is not the case. If he likes to serve because it makes him happy, by all means, start to pick up skills and find ways to be useful. If he is seeking sensual power exchange - bondage, S&M, roleplaying, that kind of thing - then mowing lawns or cleaning leather might not have anything to do with anything. I have been into S&M since I was a teenager, younger than the OP, and I have never had service play a primary role in any relationship, and any time it did, the whole "barter" thing reared its ugly head no matter HOW much the sub professed he did service because it made him happy. To the OP: If you enjoy erotic power exchange, explore in tame ways with women as you date and socialize. Work on your finer skills of flirtation. Know your way around a wine list by the time you turn 21, all the other things that go along with being a decent date - that make you feel competent. Be interesting - be competent at the things you enjoy. As for submission and being a 'tasty victim,' when you first start engaging in BDSM with a dominant women, be aware of her reactions to you and how she enjoys your surrender, what makes her tick - don't stay too much in your own head. Women who are sadistic or dominant or sensually controlling do it because the NEED something out of the experience physically - and that varies -- find out what that is so you can PROVIDE it. Perhaps it's playful, maybe it's dark and sensual, maybe it's emotional, maybe it's mental. If you are, indeed, "service" oriented and get a deep, deep pleasure from just "doing nice things" for a woman you adore (cooking for her, running errands, cleaning her apartment) then cultivate those skills and be the best that you can. But be careful of your own fantasy and agenda (when you imagine it, is she demanding it? Commanding you? Humiliating you?) and be honest with her about your expectations. Akasha

njlauren -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/14/2013 9:36:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha Once again we have a 19 year old who has little to no experience and veterans suggesting things like knowing how to clean leather, mow lawns or take massage classes are going to help him get into a relationship with a dominant woman. But no one knows what kind of a relationship he seeks. Probably not even him! He may now believe that in order to have a relationship with sensual power exchange, he has to "barter" service. This is not the case. If he likes to serve because it makes him happy, by all means, start to pick up skills and find ways to be useful. If he is seeking sensual power exchange - bondage, S&M, roleplaying, that kind of thing - then mowing lawns or cleaning leather might not have anything to do with anything. I have been into S&M since I was a teenager, younger than the OP, and I have never had service play a primary role in any relationship, and any time it did, the whole "barter" thing reared its ugly head no matter HOW much the sub professed he did service because it made him happy. To the OP: If you enjoy erotic power exchange, explore in tame ways with women as you date and socialize. Work on your finer skills of flirtation. Know your way around a wine list by the time you turn 21, all the other things that go along with being a decent date - that make you feel competent. Be interesting - be competent at the things you enjoy. As for submission and being a 'tasty victim,' when you first start engaging in BDSM with a dominant women, be aware of her reactions to you and how she enjoys your surrender, what makes her tick - don't stay too much in your own head. Women who are sadistic or dominant or sensually controlling do it because the NEED something out of the experience physically - and that varies -- find out what that is so you can PROVIDE it. Perhaps it's playful, maybe it's dark and sensual, maybe it's emotional, maybe it's mental. If you are, indeed, "service" oriented and get a deep, deep pleasure from just "doing nice things" for a woman you adore (cooking for her, running errands, cleaning her apartment) then cultivate those skills and be the best that you can. But be careful of your own fantasy and agenda (when you imagine it, is she demanding it? Commanding you? Humiliating you?) and be honest with her about your expectations. Akasha This post kind of summarizes what I was thinking reading the responses (and I am not criticizing any of them), and I think Akasha hit the nail on the head, what are you looking for? Are you looking for some gorgeous woman in leather to tie you and use you, or are you looking more to explore some type of BD/SM relationship..and do you even know the difference between BD/SM as play or when it becomes more lifestyle? Part of the problems with being new is you don't know, you see images, bits and pieces,and think aha, that sounds great...but are you really seeing the reality, or the image? Porn films can be hot, but they are porn, they show (usually) a beautiful woman teasing and torturing a good looking woman or playing with a man (who often is not so beautiful, go figure...:), but it is the 'do me' aspect. I am speaking from experience, it can be hard to shake those images. I started in the scene playing with Pro Dommes professionally, and it took me a lot of time when it became lifestyle to break out of bad habits, that is basically "okay, you are my mistress, so now do X Y and Z to me", there is no exchange there, it isn't a lifestyle, it generally is akin to going to an escort for sex (I am not calling Pro Dommes escorts, many of them are lifestyle themselves and are well trained; but in the pro world, for the most part it is the Domme doing the clients bidding, and very little comes back from the client to the domme other than renumeration...). In my case, I got yelled at and punished for being 'an emotional sponge', and apt description, for not returning the energy to her, and also for as Akasha wisely put it, living in my head,in a fantasy world rather than the one at hand with a real person. Think of it this way, other then the women who like bad boys who abuse the shit out of them, treat them like dirt, in regular sex the men women appreciate are those who give back and more to them, who are considerate of their partners needs, often above their own; the guy who does wham bam thank you ma'am type of sex isn't going to be very attractive, the guy who sees to his partners needs as well as his own, is going to be popular. I think that the OP needs to figure out what he wants, and a lot of that means doing his homework. I agree totally about trying to find local groups, about reading, these days with the internet there is a lot of shit out there, a lot of garbage by people who frankly are wankers who don't have a clue, but there is a lot of information out there. Some groups have info on their websites, and there are plenty of books out there, places like Greenery Press (these days you can probably just go on Amazon to get most of them), books like Different Loving can help understand. Lady Pact is coming at this from a very different level, she is lifestyle and lives in what she calls High Protocol, and being a sub in that kind of environment is akin to a highly skilled job, there is a lot to know, almost everything in a leather family like that is bound by protocol , how you do things, how you present yourself, how you shine a pair of boots, it all has specific protocol..and it isn't for everyone. Someone else made the point that it is like hiring for a job position, if I need someone that can come in running and do the job, I am not going to hire some kid out of college, I don't have the time and resources to bring someone with no knowledge up to speed. On the other hand, relatively few people in the scene are high protocol, and there are a lot of people into it who don't live the lifestyle the way Lady Pact does or others who are high leather. One of the things a book like Different Loving will give you perspective on, what determines how you play, what you do, how you live it, is very individual. A trained sub of one dominant may be a total nightmare for another, and even in high leather, protocols and style vary from how someone themselves was trained, so it can be hard to shape even experienced subs. The whole point of this exercise is so you know what you are looking for, at least in general ways. When someone new puts a profile up that says "I am a newbie sub, looking for a Mistress" there is no way to know what they mean, it could be some young guy who watched pro domme porn and got turned on, could be someone who once did some kinky play and liked it, could be someone who actually have done their homework....... My advice? It is okay to say you don't know about some things you are looking for. But instead of let's say "I am looking for a mistress" and give a laundry list of things you want to try, I would describe what I think I know, and what I think I am looking for. For example, if you say "I am new to BD/SM, and I think I want/need to explore submission with a dominant, I have come to understand that I may be strongly wired towards a real life relationship where my partner would take more of the lead, and I would follow that lead. I realize I have a lot to learn and if I am found to be attractive otherwise, I am willing and eager to learn new things at her direction and work into a deeper relationship, once the basic trust and relationship is established" The key is showing that you are least know generally what you are looking for, and recognizing that the relationship is mutual, that this isn't the dominant doing things for you, it is you doing things for her and her doing things for you (like, training, agreeing to lead you, hopefully if you are looking for a lifestyle with romance behind it, reciprocating wat you give her). I would not give a laundry list of scene stuff you think turn you on, rather I would describe who you are as a person (introvert/extrovert), what you do for a living, interests outside BD/SM, the things you would put in a vanilla personal (against, I am talking lifestyle romantic; if you were talking a service sub or a sub/slave where it isn't a primary relationship, kind of like Lady Pacts leather household, it would be a little different), to try and attract their attention to you, person to person. A dominant/submissive relationship is still a relationship, dommes are still women/people, and if you are looking to be a sub and be trained in that kind of relationship, then you have to attract her as you would any other woman. On the other hand, if all you are looking for is a kinky sex partner to play with you/top you, then that is fine, you could put an ad like that up, too. It is why you have to do the homework and figure out what you want, expecting someone to be attracted to someone who is inexperienced and doesn't know what they want is going to be a turn off, because for example if a lifestyle domme finds you attractive and so forth, and then finds out your image of the relationship is her doing you, it will be time lost/ill spent. Know thyself, and the rest will follow I think:)

LadyPact -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/14/2013 10:30:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha Once again we have a 19 year old who has little to no experience and veterans suggesting things like knowing how to clean leather, mow lawns or take massage classes are going to help him get into a relationship with a dominant woman. But no one knows what kind of a relationship he seeks. Probably not even him! He may now believe that in order to have a relationship with sensual power exchange, he has to "barter" service. This is not the case. If he likes to serve because it makes him happy, by all means, start to pick up skills and find ways to be useful. If he is seeking sensual power exchange - bondage, S&M, roleplaying, that kind of thing - then mowing lawns or cleaning leather might not have anything to do with anything. I have been into S&M since I was a teenager, younger than the OP, and I have never had service play a primary role in any relationship, and any time it did, the whole "barter" thing reared its ugly head no matter HOW much the sub professed he did service because it made him happy. To the OP: If you enjoy erotic power exchange, explore in tame ways with women as you date and socialize. Work on your finer skills of flirtation. Know your way around a wine list by the time you turn 21, all the other things that go along with being a decent date - that make you feel competent. Be interesting - be competent at the things you enjoy. As for submission and being a 'tasty victim,' when you first start engaging in BDSM with a dominant women, be aware of her reactions to you and how she enjoys your surrender, what makes her tick - don't stay too much in your own head. Women who are sadistic or dominant or sensually controlling do it because the NEED something out of the experience physically - and that varies -- find out what that is so you can PROVIDE it. Perhaps it's playful, maybe it's dark and sensual, maybe it's emotional, maybe it's mental. If you are, indeed, "service" oriented and get a deep, deep pleasure from just "doing nice things" for a woman you adore (cooking for her, running errands, cleaning her apartment) then cultivate those skills and be the best that you can. But be careful of your own fantasy and agenda (when you imagine it, is she demanding it? Commanding you? Humiliating you?) and be honest with her about your expectations. Akasha So in other words, those of us who form different types of relationships shouldn't speak up because only those who don't require service have the right to limit a person's knowledge about the scope of what's out there? The fact that you feel beholden to somebody who provides service as a part of a dynamic doesn't mean it works like that for everyone. Service in a leather home isn't some kind of trade deal. It's what that person's position is in the household. People who are owned by leather folks know this going in. Not seven hours ago, I had leather people in My home who have that same understanding as a part of their dynamic, too, so it's not exactly uncommon. The kid asked why a Mistress would want somebody experienced. I told him why from My perspective as a leather person. I'm not going to fluff My answer on the subject because he's nineteen, because he isn't knowledgeable, or for any other reason. If it's an answer that he, or you, don't happen to like, that's honestly not My problem.

lthrpup -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (4/14/2013 9:09:43 PM)
AAkasha spoke about experience with individuals... one-on-one, often young or neophyte. Without the benefit of being indoctrinated into a cult of leather, that is how most people interact with each other. How those people—sometimes new, sometimes lonely, always anxious—find their way with a dominant partner has no protocol. That is a natural context for a lot—probably most—people. It is hard because there are no fixed expectations or script nor the assumption that similar people will be able to hit the ground running. For all the young and new know, there are no similar people. They are alone and have to proceed cautiously and hopefully. If they find a welcoming dominant, they count themselves lucky and try to please and not screw up. The form of the relationship will evolve as they interact and play (multiple senses of the word). AAkasha spoke to individuals who know they are kinky and face a blank page. If you don't want to trouble that open sea with your oar, then you're right about it not being your problem.

forcedsensuality -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (5/11/2013 8:49:34 AM)
Reading the responses above, it's clear that 1)some women have a role they are already comfortable in while 2)others might be more open to negotiation over some things that suit both parties, landing somewhere in the middle, between each's ideal set-up. An earlier post by a male reminded me of this. Because of the lousy numbers game, with many more wannabe male subs then there are serious female dommes, I worry that there is less room to negotiate to that middle position, .. that some female dommes are in a position to simply dictate terms on a "take it or leave it" basis. "Consenting to take consent out of the equation" seems like something that has to be carefully defined and negotiated to suit both parties, and sometimes around here I would like to see more mistresses remind people that everything starts out open to negotiation .. Okay there are norms in some local groups and communities, but I kind'a hate seeing the law laid down here when it comes to curious newbies. They are not in a relationship of being dominated when they are here participating in this forum .. This is just an exchange of views .. I'd hate that "Domme knows best/ is always right" thing to rub off on some newbie getting into an arrangement unaware of the negotiating that should be an important mandatory step to get to that arrangement. Of course, I guess the endless stream of wannabe male subs have their own preconceptions, and as has been noted, they often turn out to be no-shows. While I'm sure "culture" is convenient, I'd hate to think that play with dominant woment ends up coming down to just another set of standard gender roles following right on the heels of all that pre-feminist male-dominated "culture". Maybe if I paid more attention to my local munch scene, I'd have more of a handle on the everyday dynamics of couples, but sometimes found here it can seem that youngsters do get that lack of experience they came here to help themselves with rubbed in their faces a bit/

wannapleez -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (5/11/2013 3:37:19 PM)
quote: One reason could be that despite common conceptions, in real life we are not fetish delivery systems. Some of us do, however, have a fetish for gross over-generalization and the usage of clever little phrases.

wannapleez -> RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any train bare bones new subs? (5/11/2013 4:12:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: korata Reading the profiles here I see that most Mistresses seem to want experience. Why would that be? What would an experienced submissive be or do that an inexperienced submissive can't learn? I'll take a stab at a response. But seeing as how I'm certain that my answer will be misinterpreted, let me put on this cup first. There, now where were we? To answer your last question, absolutely nothing. No knock on you, but that's obvious simply because every experienced sub was an inexperienced sub at one time. * There are those that think that BDSM is governed by a strict set of rules, and there's only one way to do things, and therefore everyone involved must come to the table with the rulebook memorized. This is bullshit. * There are those that accept the fact that not everyone does BDSM the same way and recognize that everyone was a newbie at one time. But they still think that the rulebook is the best way, and if you haven't memorized it yet, well, you're just minor-league. Once you get your act together, then they'll acknowledge you. While a bit better, this is still bullshit (with a heaping tablespoon of condescension thrown in). * There are those who do the rulebook, but recognize that you might not and don't expect you to follow suit before they'll acknowledge you. But they still think their way is best. Again, a bit better, but still bullshit. Those 3 categories will cover 90% of those that want only experienced subs. The remaining 10% are legitimate, reasonable people who simply prefer experienced subs. Perhaps they used to teach and decided it's someone else's turn to teach. Or perhaps they used to teach and had a bad experience, so they're turned off by teaching. Or perhaps that's just their preference in general. There are Dom(me)s out there who actually prefer inexperienced subs, because they can be molded exactly the way that the Dom(me) wants. Or maybe they just really like it. Take it to the real world. Many school teachers like teaching; they get a charge out of helping others learn. Same in the BDSM world. And of course, there are those who don't really have a preference one way or the other, but have other criteria that they are seeking for a potential sub.

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