njlauren
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Joined: 10/1/2011
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Once again we have a 19 year old who has little to no experience and veterans suggesting things like knowing how to clean leather, mow lawns or take massage classes are going to help him get into a relationship with a dominant woman. But no one knows what kind of a relationship he seeks. Probably not even him!
He may now believe that in order to have a relationship with sensual power exchange, he has to "barter" service. This is not the case. If he likes to serve because it makes him happy, by all means, start to pick up skills and find ways to be useful.
If he is seeking sensual power exchange - bondage, S&M, roleplaying, that kind of thing - then mowing lawns or cleaning leather might not have anything to do with anything.
I have been into S&M since I was a teenager, younger than the OP, and I have never had service play a primary role in any relationship, and any time it did, the whole "barter" thing reared its ugly head no matter HOW much the sub professed he did service because it made him happy.
To the OP: If you enjoy erotic power exchange, explore in tame ways with women as you date and socialize. Work on your finer skills of flirtation. Know your way around a wine list by the time you turn 21, all the other things that go along with being a decent date - that make you feel competent. Be interesting - be competent at the things you enjoy. As for submission and being a 'tasty victim,' when you first start engaging in BDSM with a dominant women, be aware of her reactions to you and how she enjoys your surrender, what makes her tick - don't stay too much in your own head. Women who are sadistic or dominant or sensually controlling do it because the NEED something out of the experience physically - and that varies -- find out what that is so you can PROVIDE it. Perhaps it's playful, maybe it's dark and sensual, maybe it's emotional, maybe it's mental.
If you are, indeed, "service" oriented and get a deep, deep pleasure from just "doing nice things" for a woman you adore (cooking for her, running errands, cleaning her apartment) then cultivate those skills and be the best that you can. But be careful of your own fantasy and agenda (when you imagine it, is she demanding it? Commanding you? Humiliating you?) and be honest with her about your expectations.
Akasha
This post kind of summarizes what I was thinking reading the responses (and I am not criticizing any of them), and I think Akasha hit the nail on the head, what are you looking for? Are you looking for some gorgeous woman in leather to tie you and use you, or are you looking more to explore some type of BD/SM relationship..and do you even know the difference between BD/SM as play or when it becomes more lifestyle? Part of the problems with being new is you don't know, you see images, bits and pieces,and think *aha, that sounds great*...but are you really seeing the reality, or the image? Porn films can be hot, but they are porn, they show (usually) a beautiful woman teasing and torturing a good looking woman or playing with a man (who often is not so beautiful, go figure...:), but it is the 'do me' aspect. I am speaking from experience, it can be hard to shake those images. I started in the scene playing with Pro Dommes professionally, and it took me a lot of time when it became lifestyle to break out of bad habits, that is basically "okay, you are my mistress, so now do X Y and Z to me", there is no exchange there, it isn't a lifestyle, it generally is akin to going to an escort for sex (I am not calling Pro Dommes escorts, many of them are lifestyle themselves and are well trained; but in the pro world, for the most part it is the Domme doing the clients bidding, and very little comes back from the client to the domme other than renumeration...). In my case, I got yelled at and punished for being 'an emotional sponge', and apt description, for not returning the energy to her, and also for as Akasha wisely put it, living in my head,in a fantasy world rather than the one at hand with a real person. Think of it this way, other then the women who like bad boys who abuse the shit out of them, treat them like dirt, in regular sex the men women appreciate are those who give back and more to them, who are considerate of their partners needs, often above their own; the guy who does wham bam thank you ma'am type of sex isn't going to be very attractive, the guy who sees to his partners needs as well as his own, is going to be popular.
I think that the OP needs to figure out what he wants, and a lot of that means doing his homework. I agree totally about trying to find local groups, about reading, these days with the internet there is a lot of shit out there, a lot of garbage by people who frankly are wankers who don't have a clue, but there is a lot of information out there. Some groups have info on their websites, and there are plenty of books out there, places like Greenery Press (these days you can probably just go on Amazon to get most of them), books like Different Loving can help understand.
Lady Pact is coming at this from a very different level, she is lifestyle and lives in what she calls High Protocol, and being a sub in that kind of environment is akin to a highly skilled job, there is a lot to know, almost everything in a leather family like that is bound by protocol , how you do things, how you present yourself, how you shine a pair of boots, it all has specific protocol..and it isn't for everyone. Someone else made the point that it is like hiring for a job position, if I need someone that can come in running and do the job, I am not going to hire some kid out of college, I don't have the time and resources to bring someone with no knowledge up to speed.
On the other hand, relatively few people in the scene are high protocol, and there are a lot of people into it who don't live the lifestyle the way Lady Pact does or others who are high leather. One of the things a book like Different Loving will give you perspective on, what determines how you play, what you do, how you live it, is very individual. A trained sub of one dominant may be a total nightmare for another, and even in high leather, protocols and style vary from how someone themselves was trained, so it can be hard to shape even experienced subs. The whole point of this exercise is so you know what you are looking for, at least in general ways.
When someone new puts a profile up that says "I am a newbie sub, looking for a Mistress" there is no way to know what they mean, it could be some young guy who watched pro domme porn and got turned on, could be someone who once did some kinky play and liked it, could be someone who actually have done their homework.......
My advice? It is okay to say you don't know about some things you are looking for. But instead of let's say "I am looking for a mistress" and give a laundry list of things you want to try, I would describe what I think I know, and what I think I am looking for. For example, if you say "I am new to BD/SM, and I think I want/need to explore submission with a dominant, I have come to understand that I may be strongly wired towards a real life relationship where my partner would take more of the lead, and I would follow that lead. I realize I have a lot to learn and if I am found to be attractive otherwise, I am willing and eager to learn new things at her direction and work into a deeper relationship, once the basic trust and relationship is established" The key is showing that you are least know generally what you are looking for, and recognizing that the relationship is mutual, that this isn't the dominant doing things for you, it is you doing things for her and her doing things for you (like, training, agreeing to lead you, hopefully if you are looking for a lifestyle with romance behind it, reciprocating wat you give her). I would not give a laundry list of scene stuff you think turn you on, rather I would describe who you are as a person (introvert/extrovert), what you do for a living, interests outside BD/SM, the things you would put in a vanilla personal (against, I am talking lifestyle romantic; if you were talking a service sub or a sub/slave where it isn't a primary relationship, kind of like Lady Pacts leather household, it would be a little different), to try and attract their attention to you, person to person. A dominant/submissive relationship is still a relationship, dommes are still women/people, and if you are looking to be a sub and be trained in that kind of relationship, then you have to attract her as you would any other woman.
On the other hand, if all you are looking for is a kinky sex partner to play with you/top you, then that is fine, you could put an ad like that up, too.
It is why you have to do the homework and figure out what you want, expecting someone to be attracted to someone who is inexperienced and doesn't know what they want is going to be a turn off, because for example if a lifestyle domme finds you attractive and so forth, and then finds out your image of the relationship is her doing you, it will be time lost/ill spent. Know thyself, and the rest will follow I think:)
< Message edited by njlauren -- 4/14/2013 9:41:09 AM >
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RE: Most Mistresses seem to want experience - do any tr... - 
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