Making friends as an adult

Making friends as an adult (Full Version)

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AthenaSurrenders -> Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 12:46:22 AM)
Be gentle with me here, I know this site might not be a logical place to ask this question but there are people here I respect, and would value some advice. It has become apparent that I don't know how to make friends. And I'm lonely. I never had problems making friends as a kid and up through college. I always had a busy social circle, a few close friends plus lots of people to hang out with. But that was always in an environment in which it was a given that you'd make friends and socialise with the people you spent lots of time with - school, college dorms, clubs etc. Once I was working I always had colleagues I got along with and I think I was liked by most people, but I never knew how to cross that line into socializing outside of work. I was also part of an amateur theatre and so had a social group there, but again we only saw each other within the confines of the projects we were working on. So what I mean is, I know how to hold a conversation, I get involved and get to know people and make people laugh. People often tell me I'm 'lovely' or some variant, but that's as far as it goes. A year ago we moved to a different city for work reasons so I no longer go to the theatre, I never went back to work and the two 'real' friends I have are now very far away so I don't see them very often. I am mostly at home with the baby, and when I do work it's a family business, so it's mostly my husband and father that I see. Days are very long. I make an effort to go to tot groups but all the mums either seem disinterested in making friends or already have little groups. Also, my daughter doesn't really like a lot of the groups because she couldn't care less about crafts and story time, she just wants to run and climb, so I'm often chasing her and don't get to sit and converse. My husband would support me in going out more but I don't know how to make friends to go with. He also works long hours and we get a babysitter once a month. We're pretty broke so childcare is out of the question. The plan is for me to stay home until the children start school and then go back to get my postgraduate training - I know that's the right thing for the family, but I need something more. As always, hugely long post. Does anyone have any advice, suggestions, anecdotes, anything? I am willing to put myself out there and I do think I have something to offer. How do I bridge the gap between acquaintance and friend?

TNDommeK -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 2:25:00 AM)
Hmmm, I must say I'm not very good at that either.well, I think it's more bc I'm a very quiet person ( believe it or not) when I'm out of my comfort zones. So I tend to shy away from new people. Maybe a social site? Like on fb I'm in a min pin group and I have two friends from there that I know. Perhaps look up pages that interest you, then as ppl get to know you, ask them to lunch. I would advise you being the initiator. Hope that helps. I wish I could help more.

ARIES83 -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 2:26:44 AM)
I'm sorry Athena, the forum wouldn't be as good without your posts... And I think you having more friends may give you less free time to CollarChat. I can't condone that. [sm=evil.gif][sm=evil.gif][sm=evil.gif][sm=evil.gif] OK, I do have something, but it's not much and may be less than helpful. For me making friends comes as a natural result of a few different things, working at a job, studing at an educational institution or going out to clubs... Those are pretty much the only places I have acquired friends but they do all have something in common. In each instance I am interacting with people who are in the same situation and that common tie combined with being around those people for an extended amount of time just naturally leads to familiarity, the thing that pushes it over into friendship seems to be taking that person whom is familiar and to socialise with them outside of that original context. So I guess carpooling has strengthened my relationships with some workmates, going out to the club with coursemates etc... One of my closest friends I met at the club, he was a friend of someone I knew from a course. So maybe not so helpful unless you take up another job, start a long course or start clubbing. It's all I got![&o] But I sincerely wish you the best of luck!!! hopefully someone will have some more helpful advice. I know it's not what your after, but you can shoot me a CMail anytime! seriously... my mail box has tumbleweeds blowing around!

LanceHughes -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 2:47:34 AM)
"Jean, I noticed your daughter, Susan, is about the same age as my Jennie. But Susan seems to really like the crafts. Maybe you and I could have a play date at my house and that more quiet atmosphere might give Jennie someone to get to know better and maybe calm her down. I know that's alot to ask all at once, but maybe we could try it, okay?" ------------------- I was also part of an amateur theatre and so had a social group there, but again we only saw each other within the confines of the projects we were working on. Jim, could we try a quick rehersal of some of our lines / songs. I heard you say your wife plays piano - maybe the four of us could have dinner and we two reherse while the other two complain to each other? -------------------- MUNCH! New (or even new-ish) subs might like to talk to you. That is, mentor a female sub - and then say - "You know, there's so much more I could tell you. Maybe a coffee at my house?' ETC...... !!!! The way to have a friend is to BE one. Blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH! (Except it WORKS!) You DO know how to make friends - - just give yourself the chance - and permission. If you can't Dom yourself into it, ask your husband to TELL you to make a friend! LOL! -------------------- Baby-sitter EXCHANGE - once every two weeks, you take her kid, vice-versa. Some double-dates? Maybe split the cost of a sitter. -------------------- STOP WHINING! I know you don't like it when posters whine, so just stop it this moment little lady, or I'll have to come across the pond and give your husband some fresh ideas....

Level -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 3:48:37 AM)
Pretty lady, I'm sorry your lonely. I know what you're saying... growing up, I had tons of friends. But several have passed away, or moved, and some, we've just grown apart. And I'll tell you, more than once, I've wished CM was a town, where we all lived (well, most of us lol); it'd make things easier, friend wise. But we have to deal with the cards we're dealt.

ShaharThorne -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 4:17:31 AM)
Play dates was what saved me when I became a SAHM. Bo had his circle of friends and I got along great with them (except his brother...I can't stand the bastard). I did theatre as well, just being a stage hand. Got to watch "A Lion in Winter", which kick off me wanting to get a degree in medieval history (if I had the funds, I would go back to Austin and get it). Right now, I am freelance studying English history by several authors. It drives Mom crazy when I get a new book in. Check out the local library for reading groups. I found out that there is one here in this small town. I am going to suggest it to Mom since I did like the library on FB so I get updates all the time.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 4:27:09 AM)
fr Thank you everyone for the suggestions. Lance - you made me laugh, so thank you. I guess it does come down to me manning up (womaning up?) and inviting people over. I always feel awkward like I never know whether it's too soon and I don't want to put people on the spot, but I suppose it's a risk I'll have to take. Book clubs did occur to me, I've been looking but all the local ones advertised are during the day when I have the little person with me. I've been looking up writing groups, hiking clubs, readers circles though it looks like I'd be the youngest person by a good 30 years. Not that I'm against having friends of different ages, but I do need someone my own age too. Blah, I know I'm making excuses now. I appreciate the supportive words from everyone. Logically I know this will get easier when I go back to school/work but that light is at the end of a long long tunnel, so I need to get myself out there.

PeonForHer -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 5:14:46 AM)
quote: The way to have a friend is to BE one. That is a very, very good line.

lizi -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 5:33:42 AM)
I went through something like this coming out of my marriage some years ago. At the time I knew I had to get out, so the first thing I did was I made a blanket rule of never turning down an invitation. Baby shower? I'll be there, can I bring something? Your guild is having a quilt show? Wow, awesome, I love looking at quilts. You are painting your garage (ugh) and are asking friends to come over and help? Sure! You get the picture. I didn't allow myself to hide anymore, and even if it wasn't my cup of tea I figured I wasn't getting out and about by others without some sacrifice on my part. The best way to find like-minded people is to join a group, as was suggested. Are there any parent/child play groups around? Summer is coming, here in the States there are usually low cost park/swimming/outdoor programs sponsored by the county or city. Look around at the local, free, sightseeing areas. Around here there is a nature center not far, that sponsors nature walks on the weekend for children and their parents, and other things. Even if you don't find a friend, you and the little one will do something fun. In the States, the local high schools, and community colleges, generally offer some low cost adult classes on cooking, knitting, preparing your taxes, that type of thing, for a group type activity. I'd really start combing around anything that is near you for a possibility. Here in the States there is something called Meet-up that is an online site and gets groups of people together for different activities. I've used it several times and thoroughly enjoyed myself. We played kickball in one group, went kayaking in another. There are some as well for more sedentary pursuits. Casual conversations in the grocery store or line to pay a bill might get somewhere as in asking other parents of similar aged children something. Maybe you can ask if they've found anything local for their child to do in the upcoming summer, or if they can recommend an inexpensive activity near by. It's hard. People generally meet others during their work, school, or other pursuits that you aren't doing right now. You'll have to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves and be very proactive as well in hunting down possibilities.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 5:37:37 AM)
I can so relate to your situation. When I began having children 30 years ago, I quit my career job, and the only other stay at homes mothers in my neighborhood where unmarried teenagers who'd dropped out of school. I met one of my best friends when I saw her at the library with her baby (both 9 month old males). I literally followed her out of the library thinking 1, she's has a child with a stroller, she must be fairly local, and 2 she's at the library she must be into reading as I am. I was right on both counts. We not only forged a solid friendship but our kids were best friends for many years. It's hard for an introvert to put themselves out there and seek friendship. I suggest this is a great time to dust off your role playing skills and pretend to be an extrovert. You'll get better at it.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 5:45:57 AM)
You could check out meetups, it's a website where people organize events for socials, clubs, causes, whatever. Around here, we have a couple of groups for stay-at-home moms to socialize with each other - everyone knows everyone has kids and certain schedule limitations, so it's easier for them to interact "Getting out there" can be difficult, especially when you're introverted. I am not good at making friends as an adult, either, so I probably can't help much. =p haha

TheLilSquaw -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 6:32:40 AM)
Athena, I can relate, trust me. I've always had friends, but some things happened in life. Becoming a single parent was one of them. I don't go out often. I'm great with people, I think. People seem to enjoy my company. But I stopped putting myself out there and taking time for me. Hell the other day was the 1st time in years I have gone to the movies. Close to 6 years to be exact. And ya know who I went with? Yep, midget but we had a BLAST. I was to busy being mom, being ill, then being a business owner, and just dealing with life. So I've had to start putting myself out there again. For ME, play dates are amazing even with mine being a teen (technically). I've also learned to make dates out of things like going to get my pedicures or simply having people over for tea, lunch or "dress up dates". Yes, I still enjoy having gfs do my nails, hair, make up and vice versa. As parents we have to think outside of the box sometimes but I have come to realize that doing for ME is a requirement.

TwoHeartsBeatOne -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 6:44:20 AM)
I see a few things in this post: 1) experiencing that motherhood isolation that career breaks can cause 2) financial limitations 3) new (only one year) to an area 4) education postponement. It's a good time to let your imagination run wild. What does your "dream life" look like? I ask because some limitations are put on by ourselves. 1) So, for your child, your parental/social role may lead you to become a sports coach, if you choose to "go with" your child's interests. As others mentioned, being in a group... but I would add - with a role to play (Scouts' Leader, etc...), will attract people to you. Find something to host, coach, direct and there will be a constant flow of people who will contact you with questions. And, when they do that, there is a potential for a new friendship to be sparked. The motherhood thing can be depressing because typically, jobs and classes are full of ego stroking moments, and motherhood, not so much! Find another way to have that great feedback coming. :) 2) Never let finances stop you. If you "want it," then make it happen. The secret - all doors are open to volunteers. I volunteered for the Coast Guard and they taught me how to teach kids how to sail. I was allowed to have all 4 of my kids there and they had the same sailing lessons the kids of the paying parents did. You have time - and many places will appreciate that and have use for you. My kids were 3, 2, 1 & newborn, when I was 22. I just shifted my volunteer work to places where I could bring the kids and we would all benefit. Again - dream... and push away all, "I can't" types of thoughts. Get curious about how it will happen and believe that you, too, can manifest your dreams. :) 3) It does take time to get used to a new neighborhood. And, it's important to remember that it takes the natives time to adapt to newcomers, too. The thing about new relationships among adults, is that they are NEW. I've traveled a lot so I'm familiar with the "outsider" dynamics that you describe. Maintain your "real friends" and let the new ones be just that, - new! New friends need time to become old friends. http://www.oercommons.org/ And, this is free school now! So, what bridges that gap from acquaintance to friend? My short answer, "Time." Best of luck to you!

Toysinbabeland -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 7:08:09 AM)
TwoHeartsBeatOne is absolutely correct, there is a great service in volunteer work, not only for the people that you're helping but for your own children to learn from you that volunteering is essentially good. I do volunteer work regularly and I involve my children as well. when I find a new organization to help, my teens ask immediately if they can help too. I have been doing this since before they were born. It does a lot for you personally to be able to help and give back to the community. I'm not going to lie there can be many times when it gets to you, and becomes down right sad, but without you it would be even worse. Good luck to you. edited to remove sleepy text.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 7:39:17 AM)
FR In my old life I ran a youth group as a volunteer, I really enjoyed it so maybe something like scouts would be a good idea, if I can find a group that meets after my husband is home from work. I've been trying to get some volunteer work in a school (the plan is to eventually go into teaching) but again, I can't really afford nursery fees. My daughter is only 15 months and it's hard to think of anything which it would be appropriate to take her along to. I'm glad others can relate. I really wanted to be a stay at home mum for the first few years and I am so lucky that we can do it, sometimes I feel like there must be something wrong with me for feeling bored and isolated. I'll definitely look at meetups, I've never seen that site before. I wonder if I can find someone to go running with, since I'm not fit enough for the athletics clubs yet. Thank you folks, lots to think about here.

tj444 -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 8:06:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders I'll definitely look at meetups, I've never seen that site before. I wonder if I can find someone to go running with, since I'm not fit enough for the athletics clubs yet. that would be my suggestion also.. there might also be meetups for newbies to the city/area.. other people like you that have moved and dont have any local friends but want to.. make a list of your interests and activities you like and then try to find meet-ups based on those.. you can also email meet-up members thru the site, but to reduce spamming there is a limit to how many you can email daily..

LadyPact -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 8:06:59 AM)
With us moving every two to five years, I have to go through this repeatedly. I don't have the additional difficulty of having a small child that limits the options, so this method may not work for you. One of the first things I do when we get into a new location is to start engaging with the local kink community. I do this both in person and online. I'm not just talking about the play party kind of stuff, either. I look specifically for those opportunities where discussions happen. Talking to people is how I get to know people. Sigs (special interest groups) are great for this, particularly Dominant discussion groups or in your case, sub circle. Don't have something like that? You make one. On Fet, you can create any group that you want. Ask the person who runs the local Fet group if you can advertise a new group that you are creating for local subs in your area. Keep the online group active with various discussions that will allow participants to get to know one another. Once that happens, you can see if other participants are interested in getting together for coffee (sorry, I'm an American and that's the theme here) or an in person discussion group once a month. Things will take off from there. If that doesn't work for you, start reaching out to other subs in your area via reading their profiles and journals. Drop folks a note when you read something that you agree with or speaks to you in a certain way. That will give you a chance to start knowing others and give them a shot to get to know you. I've seen your personality shine on these boards. If you create the opportunity, I don't see you staying lonely for very long.

Rule -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 9:56:50 AM)
Do you feel connected to people - other than your master?

JstAnotherSub -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 11:54:24 AM)
Athena, I so feel your pain. I go out, meet folks, and they want to hang out with me, but I have discovered I just do not like most people. I guess I will expand my horizons if it ever bothers me, but I am good going out alone and coming back alone at this point. I have a small group of folks I hang with when I want to do something, but after losing friends that I thought were like family to me over some off the wall wacko shit, I figure either I suck as a friend or everyone else IS nuts. Whichever way, I'm good for now. Good luck to you though. If you have success, please come back and share that. You are putting forth an effort and that has to be a good thing that will pay off well.

theshytype -> RE: Making friends as an adult (4/8/2013 4:17:49 PM)
I moved a few states away from all of my friends and family and had to start over. I've tried school, but everyone was either too old or too young. At work, all too old. The best luck I've had has been a few neighbors and a few people at my local coffee shop. I'm not typically one to throw an invite out, but I have no problems striking up conversations with random strangers. Usually, I'll throw a question out there or a curiosity in an attempt to get them to throw out the first invite. It's not easy for me, by any means, but it does get easier.

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