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self doubt - 4/10/2013 5:38:02 AM   
meghna


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/19/2010
Status: offline 		Being humble is one thing but I have a major issue with doubting myself. Always thinking im not good enough, not pretty enough or im not going to do something right and its starting to take a toll in my relationship. I don't think I'm completely worthless or the worse there is but always doubting myself and looking for that reassurance on a daily basis which I do receive but it doesn't get through. Its hard to change a way of thinking after years of mental and physical abuse and always being told I wasn't this or that by different people. As easy as I would like to, I can't just flip a switch to change the way I think about myself after its basically been implanted in my mind. He has all the patience I need but something has to give with me or He's going to give up. I think I do it subconsciously to try to push him away before he can just give up on me because that's what im use to. Does anyone understand what im feeling or have any tips on how to help this. I know it will take time but I need to do something, for him too but mostly for myself so I can finally have peace of mind.

Please and thank you
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 5:58:56 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Do you live together?

My sub had similar issues, and the answer was to greet her each morning with a smile and cheeriness (I'm a morning person). It took about a year of positive reinforcement before she started relaxing. Something else that helped is that we go to play parties (spanking, etc., but no sex) and others have started asking her to play.

A lot of it, too, is that at 22, you haven't faced the world down a lot. In that way, confidence will come with time.

And as far as not pretty enough, you're gorgeous.

Edited to add: I asked about living together because your Dom will be much better able to affect your moods if you do live together.

Also, where did that bit come from about him being about to give up? Has he told you this or is this your insecurities projecting onto him?

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 4/10/2013 6:00:51 AM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to meghna)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 6:14:45 AM   
meghna


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/19/2010
Status: offline 		No we don't live together but he still shows positive reinforcement daily, im just stuck in my way of thinking when it comes to this. He hasn't threatened to leave me over this or anything but in my mind its bound to happen.
thank you.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 6:54:13 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meghna

He hasn't threatened to leave me over this or anything but in my mind its bound to happen.



Tell your mind to cut that out.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to meghna)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 6:59:22 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Become conscious, don't push away.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 7:02:19 AM   
meghna


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/19/2010
Status: offline 		Easier said than done

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 7:33:41 AM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meghna
Easier said than done

In the morning, after you're awake - "I'm a good sub."
Repeat at least three times a day.

Seriously.


_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to meghna)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 8:15:52 AM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline 		After many years of abuse, I certainly wouldn't think it to be easy. It is difficult to push something aside that has been engrained into you for a long time. Self-affirmations are good. Realizing the person you are with is not the person(s) who abused you will help. Keep telling yourself that this person chose you for a reason. It may also help seeking therapy, someone to talk to, to help you through the past abuse.

(in reply to meghna)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 8:16:17 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm a good person.
I'm a loving niece or aunt.
I'm an excellent student.
I have an innate sense of color far beyond most people.

And so on.

These are referred to as positive mantras. You want to write as many good things about yourself that you can on post it notes and put them where you'll see them during the day. Open the cupboard to get a coffee cup and see a note that tells you something positive. On your car dashboard. On the bathroom mirror. Because lots of positive reinforcement is better than just one a day.

And share how you feel with him.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 8:25:33 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Or counseling to find the root of the issue.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 8:36:43 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Or counseling to find the root of the issue.

That's what I'm thinking. When I doubted so much about myself it was because I didn't like myself. Once I got to know myself I came to like and trust myself, and the doubts went away. I don't think any partner can fix this for you. I say this from personal experience.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 8:55:36 AM   
alildifferent


Posts: 38
Joined: 9/30/2012
Status: offline 		You have poor self esteem. It's something a lot of submissives have. Having had some of those problems myself due to being transsexual (having even people you love think of you with horror is bound to lower your self esteem) I've talked to therapists who have helped. There are any number of ways self esteem can be helped. Here is some of them. Help someone (doesn't matter how because when we help someone we feel better about ourselves), read and watch hours of inspirational stuff, find a group of people to like you and tell you your alright (a single person often doesn't do the trick, support groups are good for this), and talking a theraputic listener ( a therapist, a church counselor, a close friend, or a family member) are a few off the top of my head. You can also improve how you see yourself by setting some small goals and achieving them. After all if you don't think your worthy of a positive consideration there is no time like the present beginning to improve oneself to the level of being worthy of it is there?

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 12:06:20 PM   
Macharius


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/25/2012
Status: offline 		I am in fact being absolutely patient and kind to her, as far as I know. Of course those who are flawed never see it for themselves. But I do appreciate all of the kind words and reinforcement from you all. And the lack of attempted poaching. She is a very sweet, kind young woman, who I doubt I will ever run out of patience for.

(in reply to alildifferent)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 4:02:04 PM   
Lucifyre


Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Macharius

I am in fact being absolutely patient and kind to her, as far as I know. Of course those who are flawed never see it for themselves. But I do appreciate all of the kind words and reinforcement from you all. And the lack of attempted poaching. She is a very sweet, kind young woman, who I doubt I will ever run out of patience for.



That was a very sweet thing to say ;)

Luci

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to Macharius)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 6:24:02 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meghna

Being humble is one thing but I have a major issue with doubting myself. Always thinking im not good enough, not pretty enough or im not going to do something right and its starting to take a toll in my relationship. I don't think I'm completely worthless or the worse there is but always doubting myself and looking for that reassurance on a daily basis which I do receive but it doesn't get through. Its hard to change a way of thinking after years of mental and physical abuse and always being told I wasn't this or that by different people. As easy as I would like to, I can't just flip a switch to change the way I think about myself after its basically been implanted in my mind. He has all the patience I need but something has to give with me or He's going to give up. I think I do it subconsciously to try to push him away before he can just give up on me because that's what im use to. Does anyone understand what im feeling or have any tips on how to help this. I know it will take time but I need to do something, for him too but mostly for myself so I can finally have peace of mind.

Please and thank you

Long term - find someone whom you trust - priest, therapist - ... someone objective who will hold a mirror to you and give you a safe place to express yourself.

Short term - It's okay to use submission as a tool to help you though things. A rubber band on your wrist can bring your focus and attention right back. When you find yourself feeling bad, snap that rubber band and think about how great you make him feel. He counts. He appears to be the sort of guy that you can count on. Try taking that rubber band and snap it to get from 'me' to 'he'. You can work on the 'we' in the long term if you two are of a mind. Just a quick fix for the here and now to help out.

Write yourself little notes.. remember the time you made him smile. "He smiled at me. It was cool," on a posty note stuck to the bathroom mirror. "He appreciated my service", taped to the broom handle or mop. "He showed that he cared about me in a kinky forum" printed out and taped to your forehead. . Make yourself a little coupon book with tiny rewards for small accomplishments.

"I looked pretty today!" <--reward that thinking!! Spend one of your coupons.

"I accomplished X today." <--way to go.. another coupon!

Baby steps are slow, short, you fall a lot while you're learning to take them but you still get places and before you know it, you'll be leaping and bounding so fast you'll wonder how you ever doubted yourself in the first place..

again.. that is the short term.. the stuff you can do in the right here and now to help out while you work on the long term.

Best health in all ways to you and welcome to the boards... both of you guys.


_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to meghna)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 6:59:20 PM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meghna

I have a major issue with doubting myself... im not good enough, not pretty enough or im not going to do something right... years of mental and physical abuse and always being told I wasn't this or that by different people... its basically been implanted in my mind.

The problem isn't the way you think about yourself. That's a symptom. That's one step removed from the problem, which is why even if you know it's not true that you're not pretty, or you know it's not true that you always screw up, it just doesn't matter, and all the reassurance in the world doesn't help. The facts have never mattered. What's been implanted in your mind is not that you aren't pretty, or that you always screw up. What's been implanted in your mind is that you don't deserve to feel pretty, that you don't deserve to feel competent.

Start there. Question that.

K.

(in reply to meghna)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 8:24:15 PM   
Anonymat


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline 		Hi meghna !


You allude to a problem I have very often met with some of my subs... I am proud to say that my attitude has always consisted in giving them courage and "lust for life" as the germans say !...

Before considering you are inferior to this or not able to do that, you should search for a poem by Max EHRMANN.

You might even tell yourself this masterpiece was written for YOU, almost a century ago.

Well, right now, just google the word "DESIDERATA" (a latin word meaning "things that you desire")... And then you'll find this poem (in prose) in a space on the right part of this page.

This will have at least the merit to prove to your own eyes you are a value for the world, even EXACTLY AS YOU ARE NOW !

Sorry for my english : (by the way, it's 5 AM) ! lol !

What is DEFINITELY true is you are absolutely charming, little meghna !... Your pic graces this site, is a real feast for the eyes and a real tribute to BEAUTY !

Kisses,

anonymat (My first name is Yves and I am french)

.

< Message edited by Anonymat -- 4/10/2013 8:32:43 PM >

(in reply to meghna)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: self doubt - 4/10/2013 10:00:19 PM   
MercyMay1981


Posts: 8
Joined: 10/12/2012
Status: offline 		It gets easier with time honey.. listen to the first few comments

(in reply to Anonymat)
Profile   Post #: 18
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