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I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writing... - 6/23/2006 5:15:59 PM   
dinaflower


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Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		(Before this section of the story, Arianna's parents had called her inside and her father had told her of his plans to see her married off to the wealthiest man available, Arianna of course refused and raged at her parents, and the rest you will read below)


______________________________________________________________________________

Arianna stood at the edge of the cliff, her long red hair billowing in the fresh salty sea air as it swirled around her. Her mind raced with hundreds of memories of the past few hours.
Her parents had been killed in a horrible accident, and now all she had was her betrothed,
Lord Robert Austin Duke of Wolfton. It all rushed back to her, the argument that had sent her flying out the door moments before the accident. As Arianna fled from her family's hut, having just heard her fother announce that she was to wed the horrid Duke of Wolfton, a deafening crash had been heard.
Whirling about, she had seen to her horror, a large gold and blue carriage, drawn by a half dozen beautiful white ponies, slam right into her familys home, and leaving her an orphan.
Quiet footfalls sounded behind her and a hand laid on her shoulder, "Miss Verbatim?" came the soft voice from behind her, making her start and whirl about to face the man whom she blamed for all of this. "You!" Shrieked Arianna in blind fury.
She brought her arm back and took a wild swing at his face with her hand, which he caught easily. "Now now, Miss Verbatim, that shade of red is truly most unbecoming against your lovely red hair, and do be careful not to tear your stockings on the rocks,"

Arianna's voice became deathly quiet as she whispered, every word trembling with pure hatred and venom, "This is all your fault," with that, Arianna turned on her heel and stalked off to the Duke's prize black stallion, which she mounted and kicked swiftly into a frenzied gallop as Lord Austin looked on, looking as though she had hit him in the face with a shovel.


~End Chapter one~
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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 5:21:13 PM   
mnottertail


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Status: offline 		Her father having said this to her and being dead is a little too creepy for harlequins.  A carraige slamming into a hut  would likely kill no one. 

But; be that as it may, you spell well and have the general genre in hand.

Ron


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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 5:22:02 PM   
dinaflower


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Status: offline 		how did you know it was a harlequin?

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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 5:24:28 PM   
mnottertail


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Status: offline 		I am widely read. I enjoy the harlequin style romance once in a while.

Ron


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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 5:26:03 PM   
dinaflower


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Status: offline 		well if i had posted the rest of chapter 1 it would have made more sense. and ive read harlequin style books that include haunted castles, etc.

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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 5:37:11 PM   
mnottertail


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Status: offline 		I do not doubt that is the issue.  I thought as much in fact.  Gothic Romance is certainly in.  The real problem is the smash into the hut.  No horse would do it.  The carriage couldn't possibly travel at a speed that would run thru and kill people..........Now a tree, perhaps... You might add nebulous foil to the plot by some contrivance that makes her reasonably wonder if her love interest or an immediate relative, let us say; a brother who is a black-guard, had something to do with her parents death.

You are the author, and you are doing a fine job.  Don't ask assholes like me for opinions and you will do fine, Dina.


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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 5:41:56 PM   
dinaflower


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Status: offline 		i dont know, six horses running top speed could knock down a wall of a little wooden shack, and if the horses kept prancing around on the broken pile of wood it could crush a person

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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 5:48:21 PM   
mnottertail


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Status: offline 		You haven't yet convinced me, love.  Horses are very skittish about stepping on things like that.  In fact, when people were lost in the winter they would go out looking for them with horses since horses were unwilling to step on bodies and could smell them even through the snow and ice, without seeing them, horses can smell very well.  Mayhaps some chase around a corner, that caused the carriage to let loose of the bindings and tumble into the hut.........an unfortunate happenstance of some kind in which she sees glimpses of the ne'er do well brother that leads her to believe he was involved....fuck, I don't know, kid.

   

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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 5:49:51 PM   
dinaflower


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Status: offline 		youre not gonna go for anything i say so lol

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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 5:51:58 PM   
mnottertail


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Status: offline 		Exactly, but I would buy the book, now.

Ron


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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 5:52:32 PM   
Wulfchyld


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Status: offline 		I would go for a dislodged wheel, flipping a surrey or buckboard. A carriage seems to be a little above the means of people who live in a shack. When it flipped the occupants could have been crushed under the weight of the wagon/surrey. You can indicate this by; “the sight of the gory remains made her both sick and heart broken, she crumbled to the floor in shocked horror.” One horse could have broken free of the yoke but dragged the wagon/surrey around a bit. The other could have flailed around trying to escape dragging the wagon/surrey back and forth over the victims and rolling into the wall of the shack.
 
Have you up to this point made her relative to the reader? Can they identify with her on different levels?


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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 6:04:04 PM   
dinaflower


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Status: offline 		shes just a typical peasant girl who happens to be remarkably pretty and caught the eye of some Duke for some reason or other. its just something i daydreamed up

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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 6:09:29 PM   
mnottertail


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Status: offline 		I buy the assumption there, easily.  It seems the only sticking point with Loki and I is the rational explaination for the death.  Note that we haven't asked why it is important to the plot, we are questioning the means by which they died, it must be more believeable, I suspect it is somewhat of a red herring to the crux of the plot, but necessary.

YOU ARE DOING FINE.  Dina Hemingway we are going to call you.


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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 6:16:54 PM   
Wulfchyld


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Status: offline 		You need to make her person. Give her a life that readers can relate to. She needs idiosyncrasies that people can ay "Hey! i do that, or feel like that, think like that, etc... You want to suck your reader in so he/she is living through the girl and not reading her. You can obtain this through even the most mundane tasks. You have the perfect set up with her mourning her parents. Pick a scene, dishes, bathing, walking, and point out how she is feeling and make the reader feel it. What ever the task you want to personalize her through make sure there are descriptive so that people can grab on to. Even if it is how she meticulously cleans each tine of a fork someone will be able to say, "Hey! I do that." Life has to move on for her and her chores still exist. She is poor and lacks the luxury of lying around and lamenting. So I would make her as much as a person as I could as she is making the effort to rebuild her life. The rebuilding of her shack would be a good example. It would be filled with memories of her parents and childhood memories. You could tear jerk the reader by having her reset the door jam that all her measurements over the years were marked on.
Hope it helps

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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 6:18:07 PM   
dinaflower


Posts: 105
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Status: offline 		*rips her hair out*

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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 6:19:16 PM   
Wulfchyld


Posts: 2618
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Status: offline 		Sorry girl, didn’t mean to offend.

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Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together


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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 6:24:26 PM   
mnottertail


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Status: offline 		Snatched her hair right outta her head, you evil forum god.

LOL. she is doing alright, she just don't know it.


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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 6:32:39 PM   
sublizzie


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Status: offline 		I read Harlequins. I love historical romances. I'm with you in your snippet, but agree with Ron and Loki that the reason for death is suspect. I think you need to figure out another method of killing off her parents. A bad storm. Brigands. Something different. It's just not quite logical the way you have it right now.

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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 6:42:30 PM   
mnottertail


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Status: offline 		And to make this clear, the rest is fine, Ja?  I am reading along and then all of a sudden there is this little voice that says WTF?  and it is no longer, calgon-- take me away....it is how could this be true? It needs the shadow of truth, no more, but no less.  Don't have to be exact, but cannot be contraversial.


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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: I need an opinion on this snippet of a book im writ... - 6/23/2006 7:03:42 PM   
JohnWarren


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Status: offline 		Really, this isn't enough for anyone to judge.  Most publishers limit your initial submission to a single 250-word synopsis... but that synopsis is to show the progression of the plot throughout the book.  The kind of writing sample you are showing here is usually submitted in the second part of the process and is usually one to three chapters long.  A hundred or so words don't tell squat.

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