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Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 1:31:55 PM   
SacredDepravity


Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline 		Hey all! I think we can agree that the incident in Boston has many people on edge and not too terribly hard to blame them. I can't imagine there are many more concerned than those who run in big races on any kind of regular basis. My totally fabu um happens to be one of them. He's been running smaller stuff for awhile and graduated to his first 5k recently (a far cry from a marathon I know, but a huge deal to him and big pride for his family and friends) and took first in his age division.

When I heard about the events, I pretty intentionally kept off the tv, radio, and internet. I can have my thoughts for it all without the bombardment of horrific images. I mainly did this to keep the upset down for my flourishing runner who has two races coming up in the next four weeks. Today he came home from school and handed me $30 (all his birthday and chore money at the moment). I asked him why he gave it to me. He said it was to cover the entry fees for the races he's not going to run and walked away quietly. I sat him down and asked him why he wasn't going to run. He didn't say, but one of his friends called to let me know he was shaken up by what just happened and was going to not run. I appreciated the call, but am left with a sticky situation.

The first race is a little local thing and a charity run at that. I seriously doubt any issues. The other is a shorter run at a major nearby event that draws pretty large crowds and has had smaller issues before at other parts of the festival. I don't really think there will be a problem. I am not in fear for his safety, but he is. I don't want him to stop running competitively because he absolutely loves it. At the same time, he feels genuinely unsafe. I have this week and one more to work with before the first one, so maybe things will settle on their own, but if not I would deeply appreciate some advice. Keep in mind he's only 10. Things look a whole lot different at that age. Thanks to all who are kind enough to respond.

SD
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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 1:40:55 PM   
kiwisub12


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Status: offline 		Oh my God - i am so glad that my kids are grown!

and i have no advice - sorry. Well - actually, i'm wrong. At 10 i think it would be fine for him to miss the two races, and you should keep the money. I remember after 9/11, every time i saw a plane by a building, i would get nervous. It wore off, thank goddess, but it did take a bit of time. It won't do irreperable harm to his race career to miss a couple, but if he has a bit of time to distance himself from what happened, he would probably rethink the benefits/problems with running in a big race.

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 1:41:49 PM   
hlen5


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Status: offline 		Oh wow. I'm sorry your budding runner is feeling this way. I hope the little bit of time to decide gives him some perspective. Kudos to you for still wanting him to go.

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 1:54:11 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		Dear SD-
I'm not a parent so my advice may not fit, so use as you like. I can sympathize with your dilemma though.

My thought would be to encourage him to attend the fundraising event. That it's for a good cause and you feel confident it's safe might be enough to get him through. See how he does with that, then if he's OK he might be willing to attend the second race.

This situation reminds me of a trauma I had when I was about his age. A group of young kids was shown 'Night and Fog' to educate them about the holocaust...hours and hours of actual Nazi concentration camp film clips. I don't know about the other kids, but I was too young to be able to separate those horrible images from myself to put it in perspective, and it haunted me for years to the point where I was afraid to close my eyes or I'd see them. To this day I cannot watch anything having to do with the camps.

I wish we could protect our loved ones from every awful thing in the world. We can't, but we can pass along that events like these ultimately triumph in bringing people closer together, and creating a positive strength out of the chaos and terror.

My heart goes out to your son. Please let us know how he's doing.

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 2:09:02 PM   
SacredDepravity


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Status: offline 		Thanks for the kind advice.

I don't think I will force him to run and two races, indeed, will not compromise any future endeavours of his. I do want him to have positive, safe experiences sooner rather than later, though. I hope I can gently get him to do the race in two weeks. I don't want him to live in fear and I don't want him to regret not running. I do want to respect his feelings and not push him into a situation where he feels unsafe.

On a side note, I'm not entirely sure what to do with the money either. He didn't need to do that and I don't feel right taking it.

SD

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 2:11:35 PM   
hlen5


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Status: offline 		Re the money, just hang on to it. He'll need entrance fees if he overcomes his fears.

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 2:20:10 PM   
UllrsIshtar


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Status: offline 		It's a very difficult dilemma.

I agree that you shouldn't force the issue, if you do, he may transfer his negative emotions around what happened to racing itself, and that's obviously not helpful.
On the other hand, letting his fear overcome him and paralyze him may increase the trauma as well, because it could reenforce the concept that racing in and of itself is not safe and should be avoided.

I would talk to him extensively about the issue, in a very rational and detached, yet very compassionate manner, without trying to push him. You basically need to get the concept across that, while the world can be a dangerous and scary place, the tragedy of not living your life to the fullest is greater than the risk of something terrible happening.

That's a difficult line to walk though, especially for a kid who is very emotionally in tune with the pain and suffering of others (as he seems to be) because you run the risk of transferring his fear to other areas as well.

Good luck to you.

I wish you the best.

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 3:04:44 PM   
DomKen


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At 10 you should tread gently. Do tell him that it is ok to be afraid but encourage him to rise above his fear. You might tell him that the only way the people behind those bombs win is if people stop doing things they would have done otherwise.

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 5:57:45 PM   
xpurrkittyx


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Status: offline 		Hi. Long time lurker here, and I had to chime in. I also have a son who is a runner. In college. In Boston. His team usually volunteers at the marathon but didn't this year for some reason. While he is mostly a 400 meter guy and jumper, he said he wants to start training for a marathon. His thought is that if he gives up on running because of some asshole terrorist, the bad guys win. And he won't let that happen. I'm very proud of him.

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 6:17:01 PM   
angelikaJ


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Status: offline 		Perhaps you and he should sit down together and decide where the money should go: putting it somewhere it can help people in Boston.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

Mr Rogers


Letting him choose how he wants to use the money to help people in Boston may help him regain some feeling of that on a small scale.

I think things can be overwhelmingly scary when you don't have any locus of control.

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 7:24:17 PM   
FrostedFlake


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From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		Perhaps if the young Phidippides were to consider that cars are a much greater personal threat and one he has already overcome...

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 7:30:41 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		SD,

Your situation brought tears to my eyes. I think sometimes, children suffer the most from things like this. I hope it doesn't sound harsh, but you know the saying, "when you fall off the horse, you must get back on again?" That's because if you let it scare you off, you will never do it again. I would hate to see that be the case with your son.

You are obviously raising quite an amazing young man, considering he gave you his money to try to pay back the entry fees.

As others have suggested, helping him to understand that his giving up is very much letting the bad guys win. Talk to him about the fact that you understand his initial impulse to not run and to be afraid, but that you want him to take the time to really think about his decision. Two weeks is a long time for a child, and he could very well change his mind.

In the meantime, virtual hugs to both you and your son.

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 7:38:21 PM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		Don't push him, one way or another.

He'll get over it with time. Take advantage of the time you have with him and do activities with him.

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 7:42:30 PM   
TallullahHk


Posts: 572
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline 		I thought this was a good article with some helpful tips. It may be nice to also show him clips of the Mayor talking about this not stopping the Marathon in the future.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/04/16/advice-for-parents/2087929/

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 7:49:07 PM   
muhly22222


Posts: 463
Joined: 3/25/2010
Status: offline 		I was a distance runner myself back in junior high and the early part of high school.

Don't tell him to run, and don't even tell him that he should run.

What you should do is talk to him. Let him know that you understand his concerns. Explain to him the difference between the Boston Marathon (one of the biggest events in the running world) and a local 5K. But make sure he understands that he's not in any way obligated to run in any races.

Somebody suggested donating that money he gave you to charity. Charity is a great suggestion...but I have a little twist on it that may get him back on the course, and doing good. See if you and he can organize some sort of run-a-thon, with all the proceeds being donated to a charity to help the people who were injured. I can't think of a more fitting way to tell whoever set off these events that they cannot win, and more importantly, to make the world a better place.

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/16/2013 9:58:21 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		^^^^^^Awesome suggestion, muhly!


quote:

while the world can be a dangerous and scary place, the tragedy of not living your life to the fullest is greater than the risk of something terrible happening.


Ishtar, that sums it up so beautifully.

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/17/2013 12:34:20 PM   
SacredDepravity


Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you all so very much! This is helping very much.

He seems to be working through a bit. He asked to go to the track today and I took him very willingly. He asked some questions about the race next week, what the course was like, what kind of security would be there, and the like and I answered his questions as best as I could and we even called the coordinator of the race to help with information that I didn't have. I also talked to him about the other race the following week. He knows the course and how the event is run and secured. I think he feels better, but I am still anticpating some ambivalence.

And, as if I haven't bragged on him enough, I got a call today from his gym teacher about my willingness to help put together a running event just like was suggested here. MY um's idea! He really is awesome and always amazes me with his resilience and outlook. I know he will be alright in the long term. I want to handle the short term well to ensure that.

SD



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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/17/2013 12:44:29 PM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Have you considered calling your local police department and have him meet with their school representative to explain security at this race? If you have a DARE program, he'll be familiar with the officer and feel safe talking to him. Around here, either the Dare officer or our one K9 officer is known to all the kids. Well, the dog gets more attention and trust but the officer with him gets it by default.

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/17/2013 12:51:40 PM   
SacredDepravity


Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline 		That's a good idea, though I don't know how many kids are actually racing in the big race...though many may be doing the fun run before it, so yeah. I will do that in the morning. It helps that this is partly an event being hosted by the police department. That's why I really have no concern about this first one at all. It was also pointed out that the remaining running season this year will be the most secure in years because of this event, so it is a great and very safe time to run. His school counselor actually brought that up to him today.

SD

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RE: Parenting a Distance Runner - 4/17/2013 1:01:16 PM   
epiphiny43


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Status: offline 		You might listen to the show on NPR this morning on what different organizers do to secure large events and the discussions by guest security professionals that put the Boston event in clearer perspective. Your local public radio web site should have podcast or similar available for download and listening. NPR will if you can't find it locally.
A hugely greater number of runners have died in auto crashes going to or from races than have been injured in all known terrorist acts. And the kitchen and bathroom are more dangerous for actual injury than the highway for many. Even among young runners, heart attack and heat stroke have killed a lot more than malevolent weapons of all types. An opportunity for some math lessons and evaluating relative risk? Which is a dysfunctional ability generally in America.

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