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Question for "Ask A Mistress" - 4/25/2013 10:54:45 PM

Clayton321

Posts: 4
Joined: 2/12/2013
Status: offline

Hello everyone,

My name is Chase and I'm a 22 year old male switch. I have long fantasized about what it would be like to dominate a woman as well as be dominated by another person. I have been fortunate enough to have had the opportunity to be a dominant, and now I am actively seeking to learn to serve as a submissive. I have very few hard limits as well as a very open mind. As you can imagine, I am trying to use this site to meet new female dominants in my area. I would imagine that these individuals receive many offers for new submissive. My question is how do I make myself stand out as a potential new submissive? I feel that this is the proper time to explore the submissive side of bdsm, and I'm hoping that some of you out there can help me achieve this goal. I thank you for reading this as well as for any advice that you may have.

Thank you all again,
Chase

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RE: Question for "Ask A Mistress" - 4/26/2013 2:42:02 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

How do you stand out? Don't be like everybody else.

OK, that's the Captain Obvious answer, but let's put you in our shoes for a minute. The first thing that you should understand is that Dominant women are constantly thrown offers. It's not enough to be some dude who is willing to let us do things to them. That's about as hard to find as being thirsty and going to the kitchen to open the tap and get water.

What you want to do is be something more than 'average guy'. To clarify, "average guy" is the person who comes along and is willing to be topped. Average guy is everywhere.

Build on your strengths, whatever they may be. Are you smart? Are you funny? Are you helpful? Are you the type that wants to get involved in the community? Are you the kind of guy who has an umbrella on a rainy day? Are you a friend, a companion? What is it about you that makes *you* more appealing than the rest?

Whatever it is about you that makes you better than average guy, capitalize on that. Get involved in your local community and let people get to know you.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Clayton321)

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RE: Question for "Ask A Mistress" - 4/26/2013 3:35:09 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Hi, Chase. Welcome to the forums.

First, drop the shirtless pic.

Then, rewrite your profile. You mention your passion to serve - that's what every other guy says. You mention that you have few hard limits - that's not a selling point. Rather, it says that you think that that's the kind of thing women are looking for.

Read some Dommes' profiles and see what they really want. Write your profile accordingly, to answer their interests. (Hint - listing the topics of conversation you like will never hurt.)

Then read a profile. See if you and she would be compatible. If not, why not? If so, why?

Send her a letter if you think you'd like a conversation with her. It should read something like "I notice that you like playing the violin. I've always been interested in the violin, but I'm a complete beginner. What kind of violin would you recommend for someone just starting out?" It shows you've read her profile, it's not sexually oriented, and it begins a conversation with her.

Good luck!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LadyPact)

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RE: Question for "Ask A Mistress" - 4/26/2013 6:13:51 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

Hey Clayton,
I agree with exactly what they've said above.

Find women who are dominant or switch, see if you like their profiles, and maybe kink list. If you like her, write a note saying why you were compelled to write TO HER. Do not approach with "here's my dick and body; at your service Ma'am."

If you can get a conversation begun, and continued with her, that usually means she's somewhat into you; go ahead and propose conversing on the phone, and assessing how comfortable you are feeling about planning a meeting. To the extent possible, get to know someone in real time/life, not online.
Good luck, and welcome to the boards. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

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RE: Question for "Ask A Mistress" - 4/26/2013 7:13:43 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Get involved in your local community and let people get to know you.

I should have said this. Great suggestion.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LadyPact)

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RE: Question for "Ask A Mistress" - 4/26/2013 10:55:29 AM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Send her a letter if you think you'd like a conversation with her. It should read something like "I notice that you like playing the violin. I've always been interested in the violin, but I'm a complete beginner.

Why DS, how did you know?

Attachment (1)

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RE: Question for "Ask A Mistress" - 4/26/2013 12:22:34 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Clayton321
I would imagine that these individuals receive many offers for new submissive. My question is how do I make myself stand out as a potential new submissive?

Take massage classes.

Serious answer. No matter what type of woman you're interested in.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: Question for "Ask A Mistress" - 4/26/2013 6:23:19 PM

Clayton321

Posts: 4
Joined: 2/12/2013
Status: offline

I appreciate the advice everyone. I'll do my best to differentiate myself as well as approach people in the most respectful way possible. Thanks.

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RE: Question for "Ask A Mistress" - 5/1/2013 7:37:03 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

I don't know how you can "stand out" on CM. Making contact with someone here is very difficult as a malesub writing to Fem Dom. I think more than anything, you have to get lucky --- something beyond your control has to break your way.

Some of the advice here has been sub-standard IMO. I would call it the usual critical shit or stupid suggestions. Here is my take:

(1) The key is in your first message. You have to write something that get's your target person interested in at least sending you a reply. Can you make a recipient curious? Can you make them laugh? Can you intrigue them?

(2) You only get one chance, and you won't know why you failed. You can think for two hours on sending a cool note -- send it and never have it read. If your note is read, you likely won't get a response. Most notes get lost in the noise of a recipient's inbox. This is not your fault, it's just a fact. I think you can write one follow up note to your first one. If the second note is ignored, then sending a third note is akin to stalking.

(3) The whole trick is to get an interesting conversation going. From there you might get to talk on the phone or meet. There is no playbook. You have to decide how to roll with each small connection you make. So, it helps to be tuned into whatever response you get.

(4) Your profile is not very important, but you don't want it to be a turn-off. What's important is how you are and how you are able to connect to someone who responds to you.

(5) Non responses and rejections are the norm.

(6) Lead with your strengths whenever possible. Talent and competence make you attractive. Taking massage classes reeks of desperation and insecurity -- if you feel you know how to touch someone they are not necessary. Any connection you make is an achievement. Malesubs are the mountain-climbers of BDSM. Our task is difficult and challenging. The summit is out of view and not easily accessible. The journey is hard and often discouraging. The key is to learn from the mountain and respect it. The more time you spend on the mountain, the more you learn how to navigate it.

Good luck.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/1/2013 7:38:32 PM >

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RE: Question for "Ask A Mistress" - 5/2/2013 5:43:31 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
Taking massage classes reeks of desperation and insecurity -- if you feel you know how to touch someone they are not necessary.

Holy smokes. A couple years ago, I was interested in a woman who has scoliosis. So I watched several how-to videos on YouTube and elsewhere about how to massage the scoliotic back. Does that also reek of desperation and insecurity to you? Or perhaps just incompetence? That if I had already known through natural intuition how to touch someone, they wouldn't have been necessary?

Has it ever occurred to you that other people might have extremely different experiences on this site, because their approach toward women (and themselves) is so different from your own? Just on Monday, a woman I had met off FetLife set me up with her kinky roommate. It just isn't that hard to meet women, regardless of your d/s orientation, if you try your best to be an expert at stuff. People who defend their right to be mediocre are the ones who don't get many responses to their emails.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: Question for "Ask A Mistress" - 5/5/2013 3:09:45 AM

Dreamless

Posts: 104
Joined: 7/30/2010
Status: offline

Obviously cloudboy has never had a mediocre massage versus a great one.

Let me tell you, that's at least some of the way to MY heart. I have a tiny infinite crush on the first guy who ever offered to help me with a cramp and then turned out to be fucking amazing at it. If he hadn't been dom through and through I would've enslaved him forever. </3

Anyway, I recommend looking for a switchy woman! Sounds like you want someone who could switch with you anyway.

Also, cloudboy says profiles aren't important. Pfff bullshit. Maybe it's true in some cases. I at least read everyone who I reply to's profile throughly and it will possibly sway my response, especially if you're messaging me because you want to submit and your profile says you're looking for a cock worshiping slut. Not that yours does. Because it doesn't. Anyway, uh, just approach women like women, dominant women are still regular people with regular interests and stuff, so find something on topic and start a conversation. "Why, I see you hate romance novels as well. Tell me, is it the stereotypical archetypes or the fact that as long as you know which page the sex scene is going to be on you can get to the good part of any Harlequin romance novel in 5 minutes flat? Or oooh maybe it's the fact that I can tell you what will happen in ANY mainstream romance novel without even looking at the back flap?" Rejections and no-reads happen. Hell, I've messaged male subs and had no reply! (That's right, uh-huh, even women get rejected and or ignored.) But if you tailor to the woman you see in the profile, and shape your profile to be you you'll have better luck.

And then there's the IRL community. I highly recommend it.

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RE: Question for "Ask A Mistress" - 5/5/2013 7:52:10 PM

littlewonder