Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (Full Version)

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stephINca -> Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/1/2013 7:53:51 PM)

So my Daughter told me today that she "liked girls". I said ok. She is upset that I didn't have a bigger reaction to it. My brother is gay. I am bi. Should I have been upset and freaking out? I never thought it was a big deal for anyone. Teenagers I will never figure them out and you only get 5 years to do it lol.



littlewonder -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/1/2013 7:56:32 PM)

She wanted you to make a big deal about it because she probably is using her new sexuality as a way to shock people and not that she actually likes girls. When you didn't give a big shock, you just ruined it for her. heh.

It's what teens do. When I had one I would just shrug my shoulders and walk away. They get over it.



dcnovice -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/1/2013 8:03:55 PM)

quote:

So my Daughter told me today that she "liked girls". I said ok. She is upset that I didn't have a bigger reaction to it.

It may have taken some time and effort to work up the courage to come out (I know it did for me), and a matter-of-fact response may have seemed to trivialize the matter. Just a theory.



stephINca -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/1/2013 8:08:09 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice

quote:

So my Daughter told me today that she "liked girls". I said ok. She is upset that I didn't have a bigger reaction to it.

It may have taken some time and effort to work up the courage to come out (I know it did for me), and a matter-of-fact response may have seemed to trivialize the matter. Just a theory.

Yes you may be right. I just don't understand why it would. We have a lot of "family" in our family so it is not a huge deal. I have always been open about sex with the kids except the little one he's too young to ask questions yet. I guess I will just have to let her know that it's her choice and nobody else's and that doesn't matter to how much I love her.



FrostedFlake -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/1/2013 8:25:52 PM)

Tell her you'll freak out if she wants you to. But only so much, and no more. And only because you kinda like her.

Not in that way, of course.



theshytype -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/1/2013 9:01:37 PM)

I'm thinking because it was a big deal to her and was hoping for an equal response. I have no idea on how else to respond to that, though. I do think it's fantastic that she came out at this age.
I'm not looking forward to the teenage years myself. To teenagers, EVERYTHING is a big deal and I hate the drama.



MasterCaneman -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/1/2013 9:14:24 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FrostedFlake

Tell her you'll freak out if she wants you to. But only so much, and no more. And only because you kinda like her.

Not in that way, of course.


Awesome. It's a drama thing, and why is it that teenagers fail to realize they're talking to people who once were....teenagers? Although I bet this question's been asked for about as long as humans have been able to ask questions...



ShaharThorne -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/2/2013 12:09:13 AM)

Lizard tried to tell me that she is bi for the shock value. Told her I knew she was because I am the same way. Now she is going for the GID factor. Told her that I love her no matter what she is.



FrostedFlake -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/2/2013 12:20:05 AM)

GID factor...

C'mon Shahar. GIVE.



ShaharThorne -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/2/2013 4:02:13 AM)

Gender Identity Disorder...she claims she thinks more like a man...

I have dealt with crossdressers and transgendered people...nothing shocks me anymore. Hell, I brought Batgirl #19 because it featured the first transgendered character.



TheLilSquaw -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/2/2013 6:05:06 AM)

OP,
IMO she is upset because it is a big deal to her so to HER it should be a big deal to you too.
Did you tell her why it wasn't a big deal to you? (about family members ect)

Perhaps she thought you would see her differently because other's had when they found out.



MAINEiacMISTRESS -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/2/2013 6:24:54 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: stephINca

So my Daughter told me today that she "liked girls". I said ok. She is upset that I didn't have a bigger reaction to it. My brother is gay. I am bi. Should I have been upset and freaking out? I never thought it was a big deal for anyone. Teenagers I will never figure them out and you only get 5 years to do it lol.

Have a BBQ to celebrate. Invite all your gay and bi friends. Have little party hats and some noisemakers. Hire a female stripper to give her a lapdance.

Oh wait, that was done by someone and they got in trouble. Ok, DON'T hire a stripper.



kalikshama -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/2/2013 10:27:05 AM)

quote:

Gender Identity Disorder...she claims she thinks more like a man...


I've historically thought more like a man when it comes to sex. I also navigate like a man (vector rather than landmarks.) I love flannel and think makeup is a PITA, and generally don't wear it in casual situations after the second date.

I just note this as interesting and never bothered to look into it further.

I've identified as bi since I was a teenager but didn't bother coming out until I felt the need to explain a relationship, so I framed it in terms of the relationship rather than my sexuality.

Something weird happened after I met B in January. I stopped biting my nails, which I've done since I stopped sucking my thumb. I'm painting them, which I haven't done at least since I developed sensitivity to chemicals in 99, perhaps for longer (since they are usually too short as I bit.) I'm wearing more makeup and less flannel. I've had my hair cut twice since January - it's long and usually I go 6 months or more.

Again, I'm just noting that as interesting and not making a big deal about it.



lovethyself -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/2/2013 11:06:25 AM)

FR

Maybe she doesn't think you took her seriously. I came out to my mom as bi as a teen, and she didn't believe me. I got the 'that's fine sweetie' answer.

My mom didn't even remember the conversation. When I told her about cm, the thing she was most suprised about was that I was bi.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/2/2013 11:30:29 AM)

fr

Add me to the 'it's still a big deal to her' category. Even if your family are very open and accepting when it comes to sexuality, being gay or bi is still different from the 'norm', she will have been thinking this for a long time and building up the courage to come out and say it. It's good that it's not a big deal to you, and I would bet that in a few years she'll be glad that you took it all in stride, but right now she may feel like she bared her soul and got little reaction, and so she may feel shocked or disappointed. She may have built herself up for an emotional bonding session or maybe a fight, and the whole thing was anti-climactic. She may have been hoping for a heart-to-heart about what she is going through - you really can't see why it would be a big deal to anyone?

If she was in an emotional state - and I bet her heart was pounding, I know mine was in that situation despite having super-accepting parents - an 'okay' might have sounded like 'I'm not interested' or, as lovethyself said 'I'm not taking you seriously'.

It's a very good thing that she told you at this age. If it were me, I'd take the opportunity to tell her soon that you're glad she felt comfortable to tell you, that you didn't react much because it doesn't change your feelings about her and that you're available if she has concerns or questions. You might feel like all that goes without saying, but I bet she'd like to hear it anyway.



littlewonder -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/2/2013 4:16:59 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaharThorne

Lizard tried to tell me that she is bi for the shock value. Told her I knew she was because I am the same way. Now she is going for the GID factor. Told her that I love her no matter what she is.


Yup. My daughter used to do this all the time when she was a teen. She loved to shock people with stuff. But that's all it was-shock value. If someone didn't react then she stopped doing it. She's still an attention whore but just not as bad as when she was a teen, thankfully.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/2/2013 5:39:47 PM)

~Fast Reply~

I realize this is probably not going to be a popular opinion, but this isn't a reason to "celebrate." Now before everyone gets their panties in a wad, I don't think there is anything wrong with her being a lesbian. But if your kid came home and said, "I'm straight," you aren't going to fire up the grill and call the family for a party.

It shouldn't be a big deal, and there shouldn't be a need to coddle the kid and try to figure out what kind of reaction she wanted, expected or thinks she needed. As long as the reaction isn't throwing them out and disowning them, there's nothing to discuss.

To the OP, do the two of you have a "lovey, dovey, talk and analyze everything to death," type of relationship? If not, then your reaction is right on track with your relationship with her.

We often tell people that they can't expect their partners to read their mind, and if they want or need something, they need to tell their partner. Why is it that when it is your kid, you are supposed to make yourself nuts trying to figure out how to give them the reaction they want? Quite frankly, when it comes to teenagers, men and women would likely have an easier time figuring each other out.

Ask your daughter specifically why she expected that and what it is she was hoping to gain from it. Then remind her that when she grows up, she will be grateful for the people who think her sexuality is no big deal.



dcnovice -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/2/2013 6:36:03 PM)

quote:

I realize this is probably not going to be a popular opinion, but this isn't a reason to "celebrate." Now before everyone gets their panties in a wad, I don't think there is anything wrong with her being a lesbian. But if your kid came home and said, "I'm straight," you aren't going to fire up the grill and call the family for a party.

I see your point, LL, and I hope/pray that one day coming out will be that prosaic.

But I don't think we're quite there yet. Coming out still takes courage, and sharing one's authentic self with someone is, I think, a significant gift of trust. The daughter may be feeling that her gift wasn't appreciated.



sexyred1 -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/2/2013 6:51:34 PM)

I agree with thst. Your daughter probably has confusing and intense feelings about this and everyone needs their Mom to be supportive and empathetic.



dcnovice -> RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? (5/2/2013 7:10:03 PM)

quote:

everyone needs their Mom to be supportive and empathetic.

Amen! When I came out to the folks, Mom's immortal line was, "Well, I can't say I'm surprised." Twenty-plus years later, it still rankles me a bit, though I also find it funny.



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