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Questions on profile construction - 5/2/2013 2:40:19 AM   
SlightlyScared


Posts: 24
Joined: 2/25/2013
From: The Middle bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Hello there,

I received a message the other day from a chap and it made me think.

quote:

A very strange mix of profile and journal entries. Although coherent of thought, I'm still unsure whether you have found what you want or even know what you want.
It's almost as if you are waiting for it all to slap you in the face (figuratively and sensually) or you are here to perform some kind of alternative life investigation for a thesis.


On my profile, I've since added the "new plan" section but added nothing to the journals. While I'm not entirely sure what he meant about the slap in the face, this has made me wonder.

Does my profile and the journals lack an internal consistency?
Are they confused?

I ask because my usual state of being is hiding my submissive side and hiding any sexual interest that I have (vanilla or otherwise). I can see that this might prove a hindrance on a site where people are categorized by their sexual preferences so I've tried to give some information on the topic. Coming out of the habit of dodging the subject of sex and avoiding a submissive bearing is proving to be a bit of a challenge and I fear its obscuring or confusing my profile (my first impression).

Further questions I have (because, lets face it, I'm overthinking it now)
Is the profile too long?
Is it too whiny?
Too rambly?
Too aggressive?
Am I unclear in any respect that might be important?

Hopefully it's obvious that I'm not advertising by some obscure means here. For those of you who think I am, this is a link to a picture of a duck on a turtle :-)

Thanks for reading ^_^
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/2/2013 4:14:55 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		To be honest, I liked your profile. Well written and gave a good sense of who you are.

Your journals...I'm a bit undecided there. There seemed to be a lot of implicit negativity about people who contact you. That might put some off, in the same way as some (like me) avoid profiles of guys who have pics of their exes on there. It might make them wonder if they are going to be the subject of your next journal.

Otherwise, you seem to know what you want. You will get guys who message you to say your profile confuses them or crap like that...what those guys usually want is for you to rewrite it so that it matches them more closely! I got a guy in his late 60s (around the age of my parents) spend weeks trying to convince me that I really wanted a guy 20+ years older than me, and not the 5 or 10 I stated in my profile

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to SlightlyScared)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/2/2013 4:26:38 AM   
SlightlyScared


Posts: 24
Joined: 2/25/2013
From: The Middle bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Thank you for your kind response :-)

Cutting down on the negativity in journals is a good point. I'm tempted to defend myself a little but I think, perhaps, the journal too public a place to voice those thoughts, anyway.


(in reply to myotherself)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/2/2013 4:36:25 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I agree with my bunny girlfriend. The profile text is excellent. The journals for the most part show you taking seriously men that, frankly, don't deserve to be taken seriously.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to myotherself)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/2/2013 6:44:12 AM   
Rasciallymisty


Posts: 5749
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline 		Greetings SS, I have to agree with both DS and myotherself..... your profile is written well but I would do away with your journals. Hope you can find that in which you seek.

(in reply to SlightlyScared)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/2/2013 6:54:31 AM   
Duskypearls


Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline 		Slightly, here's how your profile affected me. You come across as wonderfully intelligent, gentle and well-written. What put me off was the frequency and degree to which you referred to your social anxieties and your sense of your own social ineptitude. Many suffer from these maladies to one degree or another, but need not draw such attention to it. Doing so might also make you too easy a target for those wishing to manipulate.

(in reply to Rasciallymisty)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/2/2013 7:30:48 AM   
SlightlyScared


Posts: 24
Joined: 2/25/2013
From: The Middle bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Hello everyone, thank you for your responses!

quote:


ORIGINAL: Rasciallyisty
[...]your profile is written well but I would do away with your journals [...]


I admit, I thought I could use the journal function on the website to try and document what's happening and record my thoughts on the whole thing. It occurs to me this might not be the best of ideas (although I'm not sure what other purpose the journals would serve) perhaps I can just blog about it anonymously and separately from here for my own benefit.

quote:


ORIGINAL: DuskyPearls

What put me off was the frequency and degree to which you referred to your social anxieties and your sense of your own social ineptitude. Many suffer from these maladies to one degree or another, but need not draw such attention to it


My anxieties, not just social, have defined my entire life. Living with them, hiding from them or fighting them in near equal measure. I've got into situations before where I've not been open enough about them and, frankly, it ends badly every time. I understand what you're saying but if I'm not up-front about my default state of mind, then I really don't think I can expect the same of someone else. Perhaps I harp on about it a bit but I'm of the firm belief that keeping quiet about mental health problems and playing it down, pretending its not a big deal is the best way to keep them taboo and keep them shameful. (I have a whole rant on this, so I'll stop now). I thank you for your impressions, though.

Thanks again, I'm sort of hoping I've replied properly, is there a way to reply to the thread rather than a specific person?

< Message edited by SlightlyScared -- 5/2/2013 7:32:23 AM >

(in reply to Duskypearls)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/2/2013 10:29:19 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Profile's fine.

In future, don't respond to people you aren't interested in. If you say nobody over 30 and a 50 year old messages you, just ignore it. No response is a response and it avoids the nasty comebacks you've gotten when you tell people no. Btw, being told "your(sic) to(sic) fat to fuck" is probably the most common response to telling someone no. So just ignore it in the future, or don't tell them no and you don't get angry responses to rejection. What we say here is that no response is a response. You don't feel obligated to write to your local grocery store refusing their coupon for eggplant on sale so you shouldn't feel obligated to respond to strangers sending you come ons.

About the munch, in future, write the hosts and tell them you're shy and will need shepherding and introductions to low key types. And frankly, a well run one would have discouraged guys like the one you encountered. Being non-consensually touched and hassled usually gets people tossed out. If there's a different munch about, I'd try that one.

But don't dwell on the negative in your profile and journal. When you go out, do you enjoy people who complain the whole time or do you prefer to be with those who are happy? Same here.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to SlightlyScared)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/2/2013 12:16:28 PM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

Slightly, here's how your profile affected me. You come across as wonderfully intelligent, gentle and well-written. What put me off was the frequency and degree to which you referred to your social anxieties and your sense of your own social ineptitude. Many suffer from these maladies to one degree or another, but need not draw such attention to it. Doing so might also make you too easy a target for those wishing to manipulate.


SlightlyScared, I couldn't say it any better. That's what stood out to me when I read your profile. Say it once, no more. Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



(in reply to Duskypearls)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/2/2013 4:06:18 PM   
Duskypearls


Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SlightlyScared

Hello everyone, thank you for your responses!

quote:


ORIGINAL: Rasciallyisty
[...]your profile is written well but I would do away with your journals [...]


I admit, I thought I could use the journal function on the website to try and document what's happening and record my thoughts on the whole thing. It occurs to me this might not be the best of ideas (although I'm not sure what other purpose the journals would serve) perhaps I can just blog about it anonymously and separately from here for my own benefit.

quote:


ORIGINAL: DuskyPearls

What put me off was the frequency and degree to which you referred to your social anxieties and your sense of your own social ineptitude. Many suffer from these maladies to one degree or another, but need not draw such attention to it


My anxieties, not just social, have defined my entire life. Living with them, hiding from them or fighting them in near equal measure. I've got into situations before where I've not been open enough about them and, frankly, it ends badly every time. I understand what you're saying but if I'm not up-front about my default state of mind, then I really don't think I can expect the same of someone else. Perhaps I harp on about it a bit but I'm of the firm belief that keeping quiet about mental health problems and playing it down, pretending its not a big deal is the best way to keep them taboo and keep them shameful. (I have a whole rant on this, so I'll stop now). I thank you for your impressions, though.

Thanks again, I'm sort of hoping I've replied properly, is there a way to reply to the thread rather than a specific person?


Slightly, I'm not saying hide the anxiety issues. To use your words, there's no need "to harp on it," or refer to it more than once in a profile, lest it leads others to perceive you as dangerously disturbed. I believe you refer too often to it in your profile. Look, we've all got "stuff" of one kind or another to deal with in life, some of us more than others. Perhaps consider waiting until after ones first meet to disclose such information. You'll find out 97% of those you meet will fail your test anyway, so they don't need to know everything about you right up front, especially that sort of thing. Maybe you just need to find middle ground with how you present the issue in your profile. I understand you wish to be honest, but you don't want to completely scare people off either!

Again, it's just my perception and reaction, but you asked, so I answered.

Whatever you decide, good luck dear!!

(in reply to SlightlyScared)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/2/2013 7:07:25 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		And social anxiety can be treated btw. It responds well to medication and to therapy. Perhaps instead of expecting others to cater to you, it's time for you to take charge of your own health and seek out ways to minimize the anxiety.

As someone who suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I know of what I speak.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Duskypearls)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/3/2013 5:22:00 AM   
SlightlyScared


Posts: 24
Joined: 2/25/2013
From: The Middle bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Hello :-)

Thanks for the advice. I'm taking my anxiety in hand but as you know, its an ongoing process. I don't expect others to cater for me, I just don't want to come to a situation where I have to "confess" to anxiety.

I'm going to try to minimise the references in my profile, then, it seems to be the general consensus that a little less anxiety is a good plan. ;-)

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/3/2013 9:59:35 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SlightlyScared

Hello :-)

Thanks for the advice. I'm taking my anxiety in hand but as you know, its an ongoing process. I don't expect others to cater for me, I just don't want to come to a situation where I have to "confess" to anxiety.

I'm going to try to minimise the references in my profile, then, it seems to be the general consensus that a little less anxiety is a good plan. ;-)


You know the old ad expression, never let them see you sweat? That is generally my rule with this written medium. Every so often, a bit of my personal stuff seeps into my posts, but I don't usually ever discuss my problems or issues.

I feel that putting your best self forward with these profiles, and not putting negativity or admitting to faults (or whatever you perceive your issues to be) in them.

I am not a big fan of the journals. I know people love to blog and reveal everything, but I like a bit of mystery in the getting to know process.

Of course, major issues like being married, kids or having a severe illness should be revealed so the peruser of profiles can make an informed decision.

Oh, and don't worry too much what people say who write you; you can discern whether they would be interesting to you.

(in reply to SlightlyScared)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/3/2013 10:37:51 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I just don't want to come to a situation where I have to "confess" to anxiety.

When I decide I want to meet a guy, I let him know that I have chemical sensitivities and to please not wear cologne.

When I decide I want to sleep with him, I have another conversation.

Now that I am with someone and we are discussing cohabitation, we are having other conversations.

quote:

I'm going to try to minimise the references in my profile, then, it seems to be the general consensus that a little less anxiety is a good plan. ;-)

Agreed!

If you find a protective sort of Dom (and most of the Doms I meet tend to be protective) your anxiety may not be as much of a negative as you think.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to SlightlyScared)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Questions on profile construction - 5/3/2013 10:49:21 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I admit, I thought I could use the journal function on the website to try and document what's happening and record my thoughts on the whole thing. It occurs to me this might not be the best of ideas (although I'm not sure what other purpose the journals would serve) perhaps I can just blog about it anonymously and separately from here for my own benefit.


Yes, I recommend you change your 4/8 entry to something like, "Went to a munch - had fun! Can't wait to go back."

Additionally:

1. Move the rest of your journal entries to your PC except for the ones about not replying promptly - delete those. If someone writes to you who rings your chimes, you will make the time to write back promptly, so these journal entries are just for the benefit of those who didn't interest you. My philosophy is that your profile should focus on what DOES interest you.

2. Along those lines, consider removing the paragraph about ignoring the "wanna chat" people.

3. I'd kill all of this as well. Just block, delete and report as spam the peeps who do this:

quote:

I can’t top you; I’m nominally straight; it would take a truly exceptional woman to turn me; I’m not going to send you money; I’m not going to give you my photos and contact details on the first message, I don’t mind that you think I’m a fake, I know I’m not; I have a lot of self esteem, calling me names and demanding supplication from me as a form of introduction won’t get you far; Begging for sex similarly won’t work.


Again, focus on what you WANT, not what you don't want.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to SlightlyScared)
Profile   Post #: 15
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