Asexuality in BDSM. (Full Version)

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Rattenkonig -> Asexuality in BDSM. (5/5/2013 1:56:48 AM)

I concider myself asexual. I occaisionally get unhappy words from fellows on this site because of it, but those are mostly disappointed wankers. I don't get off on genital stimulation. I'm largely masochistic but it doesn't necessarily "get me off". I do still have sex with my partners, more for them than anything. I find in some ways the fact that I don't get anything from sex more rewarding from a submissive point of view.

I'd like to know if there are other asexual kinksters out there and their feelings on the subject.



Thaz -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/5/2013 2:07:09 AM)

I know several asexual kinksters well. No big deal. I also know several who have a preference but currently choose not to express that in play. For me topping an asexual person is no different than topping someone who has expressed that sexual play is off limits. Also no big deal. Limits and preferences are limits and preferences and if you don't like or accept them then don't play with that person.



Dreamless -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/5/2013 2:38:59 AM)

Well, I'm not asexual but I'm in a rather close relationship with one who is. In her words, "Some people really enjoy making other people happy". That doesn't mean they get off on sexual contact. I feel like we have a closer bond for not having sex in the way, and I wouldn't trade it for a billion fuckbuddies. (And I'm demi-romantic as hell and worried I'll only be able to love her, sometimes, but I would never ever ever trade it in.)

Frankly I have no problem with aces as potential subs or doms. I think I'd have trouble with an ace masochist, because I enjoy getting people off, but I have a feeling I'd prefer an ace top, someone who was just interested in the kink and not the sexual dynamic. Limits and preferences are limits and preferences, as long as you're honest outright and know that your other party does and will have needs and if you won't meet them, may need to have them filled elsewhere... honesty and communication goes a long way.

Anyone who fusses isn't worth your time if you're honest about your orientation outright.

"Some people really enjoy making other people happy" sounds like a damn good kinkster to me though.



Charles6682 -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/5/2013 5:20:17 AM)

Well,I would be fine in a Dominant sexual or asexual relationship.Either one.I find the act of being of service to my Domme brings far greater rewards for me.



DarkSteven -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/5/2013 5:33:29 AM)

I am sexually exclusive with my sub, and play asexually with others. It's simply too complicated to play sexually with more than one.



ClassAct2006 -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/5/2013 8:15:36 AM)

It presumably does not matter to some people - if your submissive gives you what you want and is happy that would be enough for many.

However the countless times over the years men have told me their wife is not into sex (and they are not all lying by any means) and that they could probably persuade her but they really want someone really hot for and into them, makes me think most of us probably do want someone with a fairly similar sex drive.

Some people will give their partner what they need because they love them or because he or she keeps them financially or as it's the price to pay to keep that person (e.g. they put on some silly costume they think is ridiculous if he or she is aroused by people wearing a fancy dress cow costume or they wear head to toe latex or nappies or whatever it is - not liking it but because the other person wants it, just like you probably do the washing or hold the baby or put out the bins because your other half wants you do or scrub the loo. I like sex to be a bit more than that - I don't want someone giving me what I need sexually just because he knows I like or want it but because he wants it too.

There are more asexuals in the UK than gay people so it is certainly a pretty widespread issue.



kdsub -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/5/2013 9:17:56 AM)

Let me understand you... when you play with an attractive woman, not your sub, you are saying you feel no sexual attraction or desire? I can understand not acting on the attraction and desire but that would not be asexual.

Butch



DarkSteven -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/5/2013 9:50:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsub

Let me understand you... when you play with an attractive woman, not your sub, you are saying you feel no sexual attraction or desire? I can understand not acting on the attraction and desire but that would not be asexual.

Butch

I consider sexuality to be based on actions here, not desires. Hell, I run across dozens of women many days that I feel attracted to, and don't consider that unexpressed desire to be counted as sexual. Else, I'm cheating on my sub hundreds of times per year.



kdsub -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/5/2013 9:52:33 AM)

I understand... but the op is saying she NEVER feels sexual desires and that is the true definition of asexual... I think...lol. And was not sure what you were saying. Thanks for the clarification.

Butch



cloudboy -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/5/2013 11:06:54 AM)


There was an asexual domme who used to post on here. Her thing was impact play, and she was adamant about being asexual. She was from WV and she often lamented how others didn't understand that "asexual" meant she was not interested in sex. (i.e. she did not want anyone to try and seduce her.)

The impact play substituted as intimacy for her, but my sense was that it was still awkward for her getting intimate w/o having sex become an issue.

I remember reading up about it after reading her posts, and it made me wonder how one came to such a realization and at what age. It must be odd being different from everyone else then getting an adult handle on what that difference is.



Rattenkonig -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/5/2013 12:41:09 PM)

I'm more grey-a then truly asexual but i figure the broader term is easier to use. But I do not find people to be sexually attractive. I never crave penetration. I like playing with vicbratos and clitorial stimulation sometimes but it's more for the sensation and less because I'm turned on or horny. I like certain sex acts because of what it does to me in my head not so muh the way it feels, like I enjoy giving oral because it is a rather submissive act and only pleases my partner. I also like anal because well, I don't enjoy it. I'm sure that makes sense to any sadist. I do things strictly for my partner but sometimes it super disgusts me and I just can't. Mostly if it reaches a point with verbal humiliation during sex I just can't tolerate it any more. Like my Dom was trying to get me to agree with him that I was something along the lines of "a cock hungry little whore" and I don't really like Lying or agreeing with things that I'm not at all feeling and it causes me to just not be able to put up with penetrative sex any more.



littlewonder -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/5/2013 7:18:06 PM)

Have you had a physical lately? I would wonder if there's something medically wrong. Do you suffer from depression? Take meds, etc...? I used to be "asexual" for a long time, especially after having my daughter. I just started to really get my sex drive back after she grew up and went off on her own. I still even have problems from time to time when I'm stressed or tired or who knows why.

So I would be a little concerned about it.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/5/2013 10:44:24 PM)

I feel either intensely sexual, or not sexual at all. I have the exremess in my reperstoire, so that falling back to norm/average/boring, would be problematic.
God help me/us, "so that I know we are all okay."
Here is to compatibility, conversation, and sexyness together, because that was the perfect.
I WANT TO SEE THE FINAL DANCE, TRADITIONAL, AND SEXY/!!!
Hugs, M



Rattenkonig -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/6/2013 3:37:02 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Have you had a physical lately? I would wonder if there's something medically wrong. Do you suffer from depression? Take meds, etc...? I used to be "asexual" for a long time, especially after having my daughter. I just started to really get my sex drive back after she grew up and went off on her own. I still even have problems from time to time when I'm stressed or tired or who knows why.

So I would be a little concerned about it.



I've been this way forever. I've had a physical, talked to my gyno about it, had hormones checked. For other reasons I saw a therapist for a while a talked about it. Honestly it doesn't really bother me, it occaisionally bothers my significant others but normally the amount that they like me wins out over the amount I dislike sex.



kalikshama -> RE: Asexuality in BDSM. (5/6/2013 5:10:58 PM)

When you say "get off," do you mean orgasm? I don't orgasm from anything but my Eroscillator. With previous partners, I may or may not have enjoyed intercourse, receiving oral sex, etc., but my current partner knows how to get me into the right headspace to enjoy this. [:)]

I've had other partners who were strictly into bondage and inflicting pain; no sex or blowjobs requested.



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