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Setting the Limits - 5/6/2013 5:41:59 PM

subwifeslave

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/6/2013
From: Fulton, Kentucky
Status: offline

My husband and I have been together many years and we have a 2 and a 4 year old. Through my insistence we have begun to explore a d/s relationship upon my realization that it was what I wanted, but only with him. I left him a letter telling him kinda what I was hoping for and wanted to explore to discover just how serious I am about it. As it says in my profile he took it and run with it.

. Well one of the things we have discussed doing further was anal. We used to do it all the time, usually i was inebriated and it was before I discovered my nature, but it has been years. He bought me a plug but I can't even get it in anymore and have in the last year discovered that if we use anything that isn't glass or metal I have an allergic reaction. Well a few days ago we were having sex and being in the moment he went for it and I had to beg him to stop. He was only in a fraction and once he was out I was fine but couldn't quit crying. Of course he thought he had hurt me but it was more I was pissed at myself for not being able to do it.

We are going to purchase a small crystal glass plug next payday as it's the only way I know to help things. I will admit that part of it for me is Mental because when I was a child I was raped anally by a trusted family member. BUT I have overcome that before and thought it was no longer an issue.

So although he wasn't mad over us not being able to do it he did ask me to be more specific in my limits, which is what led me here. I am looking for advice on being able to be better prepared for anal because I want to do this for him as I can't fulfill his fantasy of a 3-some and am looking for advice in figuring out the best way to express my limitations.

Post #: 1

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/6/2013 5:47:31 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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He has fingers right?

Use them first. Use them while he's eating you out. Have him get you excited and relaxed first.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 5/6/2013 6:35:25 PM >

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Post #: 2

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/6/2013 5:58:56 PM

subwifeslave

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/6/2013
From: Fulton, Kentucky
Status: offline

Yes he does that during oral or when I'm on stomach and after a moment a single finger feels good and being the man he is he says we start with that and work up to more.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/6/2013 6:27:24 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

Best place to begin is for you to do some self analysis on what this activity brings up in your mind. You said that it was partly mental for you...so ask yourself where you are at mentally with this. You have to know what makes you tick first before you can begin to help him to learn how to work that clock. If and when you are able, talk honestly with him about your thoughts and feelings.

After that, I second what OsideGirl says. Start slow with maybe a finger or so while doing an activity that you enjoy. You begin to incorporate a pleasurable experience into something that used to trigger bad feelings. Anal is one of those things that a Top (well, this top anyway) builds slowly up to...using stepping stones of good experiences to create a path that will lead both people to where they would like to go.

(in reply to subwifeslave)

Post #: 4

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/6/2013 7:04:01 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I've tried for years. It still hurts like hell for me.

They say to use lots of lube and start out slowly. Maybe that will work for you. If you figure out another way, great. I wish something worked for me.

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Post #: 5

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/6/2013 9:04:07 PM

littleclip

Posts: 869
Joined: 5/31/2012
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there are topicial analgesics(painkiller) like anal ease and orajel warm water based lube helps as well as using some relaxation and massage helps if there is lots of issues with alergys there is a 3 pronged anal spreader that can be usefull aswell.

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Post #: 6

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/12/2013 9:02:18 PM

alildifferent

Posts: 38
Joined: 9/30/2012
Status: offline

I'd see a sex therapist. They deal with specific issues like this. I do have a few ideas though on my own. But I'm sure the therapist would have better ones. One idea is giving you a "reward" everytime he does anything anal. You may have to allow him to bind you and enter you helpless while you quail and are thrown back. I would make sure he touches you in places that trigger orgasms for you. The reason behind this is so you experience something very pleasant that used to traumatize you. It's how people get over psych fears. They confront them and often they reward their own behavior for for facing them. A person who's terribly afraid of spiders who lets a tarantula walk on them might get that new car they wanted for example. Other ideas that might help are hypnosis or deliberately weakening your own barriers prior to trying anal sex. You could try getting tipsy prior to such an event to see if that would lower your inhibitions. Meanwhile I'd look into everyone elses ideas on making the process as pleasurable, comfortable, and fun as possible.

(in reply to littleclip)

Post #: 7

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/22/2013 7:18:34 AM

looking2trainfem

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/7/2013
Status: offline

i am slave to my Master. i am allergic to the gel toys as well. i have found that the plastic toys do not bother me and they have some give to them. i bought a set of 3 anal plugs the company also sales an anal dildo. if you can put plastic in your mouth an it not burn you can use it in your other body parts. the set was less then 20 bucks and you can work your way up. i have also found that when i use anal ease it burned like hell it was best for me to use a lube i use for my pussy that did not bother me. i hope this helps.

you can also use the plug you have if you have a condom that u have found you are not allergic to. i am allergic to most condoms but the do make them latex free. you can also train alone so if you need to stop because of your emotional trauma you can, just talk with him about it.

(in reply to subwifeslave)

Post #: 8

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/22/2013 1:44:22 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I've tried for years. It still hurts like hell for me.

You say that likes it's a bad thing

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HST

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 9

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/22/2013 3:31:48 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

A few things:
There is a great book called Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin
http://www.amazon.com/Anal-Pleasure-Health-Guide-Couples/dp/0940208377

There are a lot of self exercises in it, with good information.

Anytime you have trauma attached to a sexual activity you run the possibility of it creating a trigger.
Do not beat yourself up about that.

Do not use a desensitising product.

However much lube he is using, use more.

My Master loves the silicone based lubes, but there are some very good water based ones.

Many people are allergic to jelly or rubber types of toys.

Chances are you would do okay with a pure silicone plug as it is inert.

_____________________________

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(in reply to subwifeslave)

Post #: 10

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/23/2013 6:23:13 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

He bought me a plug but I can't even get it in anymore and have in the last year discovered that if we use anything that isn't glass or metal I have an allergic reaction.

I have chemical sensitivities and medical grade silicone works for me in addition to glass and metal. (If it's not medical grade, I can still use it, but I noticed a difference with a recent ball gag acquisition.)

We've been enjoying this recent, quite affordable purchase:

Trinity Silicone Butt Plug Kit

One of the top selling anal trainer kits available. These high quality silicone butt plugs are designed to help you enjoy anal play. Start off small and work your way to the larger size for more pleasure. These butt plugs offer a circular handle making it easy to grab.

Small: 2"" insertable length, 1"" in diameter Medium: 2.5"" insertable length, 1.25"" in diameter Large: 3.25"" insertable length, 1.5"" in diameter

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(in reply to subwifeslave)

Post #: 11

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/23/2013 6:47:28 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

Something that really helped me, besides foreplay, working up to it and lube was relax, slow entry and above all, Strain a bit at entry like you are going to go to the bathroom, that was when it worked for me.

_____________________________

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My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 12

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/23/2013 7:34:55 AM

Revelstone

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subwifeslave

... I left him a letter telling him kinda what I was hoping for and wanted to explore to discover just how serious I am about it. ... usually i was inebriated and it was before I discovered my nature, but it has been years. ... we were having sex and being in the moment he went for it and I had to beg him to stop.... but couldn't quit crying. ...it was more I was pissed at myself for not being able to do it.

... I will admit that part of it for me is Mental because when I was a child I was raped anally by a trusted family member. BUT I have overcome that before and thought it was no longer an issue.

I agree with a previous poster in the sense that I think you should see a therapist, to me this seems more mental than anything else (though physical preparation is important too). The fact that you were anally raped by someone you trusted in the family is very significant especially now that you are a mother - this could be impacting you on a psychological level you're not even aware of. The indicator for me is what I quoted above from your post.

IMO I think you should first seek a mental health professional that is sex positive to work out this issue before you try to engage in anal sex again to avoid any more surprise negative feelings. Finding one in your area may not be easy so I quoted a column from Dan Savage about seeking one:

...Klein advises you start by contacting the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT.org). "NON-ADDICT should look for a member in his area," says Klein. "But the group is small, and not all of them will share his sexual values. Here's what he should ask a potential therapist: 'What are your sexual values?' 'How do you define healthy sexuality?' 'Are you comfortable talking about kinky sex?' 'Do you think monogamous, heterosexual, genitally oriented sex is ultimately better than other consensual arrangements?'" The kind of sex-positive therapist you seek will answer straightforward questions like that over the phone before you make an appointment for a session. "And regardless of the answers, if you sense a professional is queasy talking about sex, move on to another candidate."

Klein says there are many ways to find a local, progressive, sex-positive therapist. "He should call his local Planned Parenthood or LGBT center, a gynecologist or urologist, or the person who teaches sexuality at his local university, or a local divorce lawyer" and ask for a referral, advises Klein. You could even call a priest. "Most clergy send their sexuality cases to one or two local therapists, some of whom are quite progressive."... http://clclt.com/charlotte/finding-a-sex-positive-therapist-isnt-always-easy/Content?oid=3043389

(in reply to subwifeslave)

Post #: 13

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/23/2013 8:48:43 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

you can also use the plug you have if you have a condom that u have found you are not allergic to. i am allergic to most condoms but the do make them latex free. you can also train alone so if you need to stop because of your emotional trauma you can

Good suggestion - I don't like latex condoms or those that have Nonoxynol-9 but Walmart has polyurethane or polyisoprene condoms for about $6. Using a condom over a butt plug makes the cleanup easier too!

http://www.condomjungle.com/non-latex-condoms-reviews-a/271.html

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(in reply to looking2trainfem)

Post #: 14

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/23/2013 4:27:14 PM

subwifeslave

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/6/2013
From: Fulton, Kentucky
Status: offline

thank you everyone for all the suggestions I didn't see one that i'm not willing to try

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 15

RE: Setting the Limits - 5/24/2013 8:47:57 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subwifeslave

thank you everyone for all the suggestions I didn't see one that i'm not willing to try

Generally speaking, if you use a silicone toy you need to use a water-based lube.
Info here:
http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/guides/lubes.html

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to subwifeslave)

Post #: 16

RE: Setting the Limits - 7/18/2013 8:13:04 AM

hrxxx

Posts: 294
Joined: 5/13/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subwifeslave

My husband and I have been together many years and we have a 2 and a 4 year old. Through my insistence we have begun to explore a d/s relationship upon my realization that it was what I wanted, but only with him. I left him a letter telling him kinda what I was hoping for and wanted to explore to discover just how serious I am about it. As it says in my profile he took it and run with it. . Well one of the things we have discussed doing further was anal. We used to do it all the time, usually i was inebriated and it was before I discovered my nature, but it has been years. He bought me a plug but I can't even get it in anymore and have in the last year discovered that if we use anything that isn't glass or metal I have an allergic reaction. Well a few days ago we were having sex and being in the moment he went for it and I had to beg him to stop. He was only in a fraction and once he was out I was fine but couldn't quit crying. Of course he thought he had hurt me but it was more I was pissed at myself for not being able to do it.

We are going to purchase a small crystal glass plug next payday as it's the only way I know to help things. I will admit that part of it for me is Mental because when I was a child I was raped anally by a trusted family member. BUT I have overcome that before and thought it was no longer an issue.

So although he wasn't mad over us not being able to do it he did ask me to be more specific in my limits, which is what led me here. I am looking for advice on being able to be better prepared for anal because I want to do this for him as I can't fulfill his fantasy of a 3-some and am looking for advice in figuring out the best way to express my limitations.

Slowly and with a lot of gel, you've got to try to relax completely, otherwise it hurts.
If you really want to have anal sex with him, you have to tell him that it will be a slow process and that it is not certain they succeed the first few times, because it is a hard limit for you.

Let me tell you how I handle a girl with anal fear

I massages her buttocks with oil at the beginning without approaching me her asshole, I keep until I can feel she begins to relax when I can feel her relax I begin running my hand up between her buttocks, all the way down from her pussy and up to the back so she feels a bit like a snake that sweeps over her asshole, and I do it again and again until she feels completely at ease at my touch of her asshole, and I can now start running my finger around her asshole, around and around again and again, and when she feels safe and relaxed, I can start using the tip of my index finger, run it in and out of her asshole, and around her asshole, in this rhythm in out around in out around in out around all the way out,
and every time a little deeper in, when I'm all the way with my index finger, then it's time to play with two fingers, and it perishes. with the same process, just with middle finger first, but in the same rhythm, in out around, in out around, in out round, and again all the way out, now her asshole so relaxed and open I can start with my cock, and again it is a slow process, to run my cock slightly in and out until I reach the bottom of her asshole. when my cook is completely inside her asshole then I can start to fuck her, slowly at first and then faster, and now she can start to enjoy it without it hurting.

Girls are very different, and sometimes it is easy to take their anal virginity, and other times it is difficult, but it is my experience that all girls can get anal orgasm, I see a girl as graduated in anal training when she can sit on top of me and fuck herself to orgasm in her asshole.

I hope it could help you

_____________________________

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Post #: 17

RE: Setting the Limits - 7/19/2013 8:08:04 AM

Dyfrynt

Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline

Many play sites have starter sets with butt plugs from quite small to quite, uh not! This is how I trained my slave. Starting small and working up the size as each one became comfortable.

Soft plugs are usually easier to on the anus than hard ones. So I'm not sure the glass plug is a good idea. I realize your allergy issue, but several have mentioned remedies there.

It goes without saying, but saying never the less, always use lots of lube and don't forget that isn't just at the beginning. The anus is not self lubing so with extended play, more lube is often necessary.

_____________________________

Equal in Worth, just Not in Power.

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Post #: 18

RE: Setting the Limits - 7/19/2013 12:23:17 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Limits are talk talk talk, cuz here is the thing about them.......I wont do this today. Ok. I wont do this ever. (yeah, horseshit at least 90% of the time)

I think you are doing well, surprises are suprises... we really don't know how we feel, until we feel it sometimes.

This is gonna sound stupid, but it is clever as can be.

1> talk about ass ass ass between you until you are blue in the face.
2> have him gently play with it some rainy afternoon, all afternoon. Finish him off with your mouth. For example, grab up every thing in the kitchen and bathroom and laundry room and garage and have him work it on your ass....not necessarily club the dogfuck out of your ass with it, but to see what are good and bad sensations....try clove oil or oragel or cloraseptic directly on your browneye and have him play with it then (especially with a slice of ginger on your clit so you are busy dealing with that...................

Stuff, yanno? Till it becomes just another act to take the old sealclubber for a ride on the hershey highway.........

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Dyfrynt)

Post #: 19

RE: Setting the Limits - 7/19/2013 12:26:04 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

He bought me a plug but I can't even get it in anymore and have in the last year discovered that if we use anything that isn't glass or metal I have an allergic reaction.

I have chemical sensitivities and medical grade silicone works for me in addition to glass and metal. (If it's not medical grade, I can still use it, but I noticed a difference with a recent ball gag acquisition.)

We've been enjoying this recent, quite affordable purchase:

Trinity Silicone Butt Plug Kit

One of the top selling anal trainer kits available. These high quality silicone butt plugs are designed to help you enjoy anal play. Start off small and work your way to the larger size for more pleasure. These butt plugs offer a circular handle making it easy to grab.

Small: 2"" insertable length, 1"" in diameter Medium: 2.5"" insertable length, 1.25"" in diameter Large: 3.25"" insertable length, 1.5"" in diameter

I have to say NOTHING glass is going up my girls ass. That is just stupid!

BadOne

_____________________________

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According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 20

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