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A question for all - 5/10/2013 8:28:34 AM   
twoshoes41


Posts: 11
Joined: 12/23/2009
Status: offline 		I find myself in a bit of a difficult postion,I am in a sort of relationship,Yes its a long story.However the question is when one side only wants a "normal" relationship and the other one meaning me wants to have a different lifestyle should I end this and try and find someone else.Now I know my spelling is rubbish so please you don't need to say anything about that
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RE: A question for all - 5/10/2013 8:33:22 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Honestly, since you call it a "sort of" relationship, it doesn't sound like you have much emotional investment in it. Since that is the case, it would make sense to me to simply move on. It's no different than meeting someone, and as you get to know them you find out you don't share enough common interests to continue. In other words, not a big deal to end it.

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RE: A question for all - 5/10/2013 8:38:24 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

Spelling looked fine. Spacing after punctuation marks...not so much

The question you have to ask yourself is if you are willing to sacrifice your desire for a different lifestyle for the sake of being in a relationship if these two things have to be exclusive of one another. But I will say this...there is no point in being unhappy. If you can be happy in the relationship without the different lifestyle you are looking for...cool. If you can't be happy without it, you will know hat is right for you.


(in reply to twoshoes41)
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RE: A question for all - 5/10/2013 8:44:27 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		If it is only "sort of" a relationship to you, then you probably don't care enough about the other person to either be honest or leave the relationshp.

A lot of people like to stay half in a relationship as they look for someone else, just so they have someone as a stand by.

If that is you, you have your answer.

If you care about the person (and we do not know the whole story of course), then you will be honest.

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RE: A question for all - 5/10/2013 8:49:42 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		Why spend (waste?) your time, trying to "convert" someone who probably never will become the person of your dreams?

Just find someone with whom you have about 85% of things in common and haggle over the other 15%.



Peace and comfort,



Michael

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RE: A question for all - 5/10/2013 11:52:55 AM   
twoshoes41


Posts: 11
Joined: 12/23/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks for the replys and yes I think just keep it as drinking friends sounds best

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RE: A question for all - 5/10/2013 11:54:53 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Well essentially you have three options. 1)You decide she* is worth giving up these desires for - she fits you well in other ways and you don't think you'll grow to resent it - and so you have a normal relationship. 2)You find some middle ground to compromise on - get her agreement to play at parties, or agree that she'll try abc in exchange for xyz, or whatever makes you both feel you're getting your needs met. 3) You decide she/this relationship isn't worth giving up your desires for and you both move on to find someone more compatible.

I'm assuming you've already established she's not willing to give up the normal relationship for your version, and I don't think that's something you can make someone want.

None of those options make you a better or worse person and only you can decide which is right for you. We don't know how important kink is to you, how far you want to go, how special this person is, how serious the relationship is, how open you both are to compromise, how different your ideas are, what other obligations you might both have (kids, property...).

I know I would give up kink in a heartbeat for my husband, because I know he meets every other need I have and we would still have a good life. But I see plenty of other people round here despairing that they feel they're missing out on an important part of their personality. The only wrong answer is one in which you are dishonest or manipulative to your partner to get what you want.



*assumed you're straight, apologies if not

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RE: A question for all - 5/10/2013 12:06:39 PM   
twoshoes41


Posts: 11
Joined: 12/23/2009
Status: offline 		Yep think we are just going to stop drinking friends and yes you assume right

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RE: A question for all - 5/10/2013 3:52:46 PM   
footloverpete


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/24/2013
Status: offline 		I think you have to be very lucky to find someone who shares your kink, that's not you personally, but anyone looking for a kink related relationship. So in reality you could like a lot of alternative life styler's spend your whole life waiting for "The one" only to find they never come along. Hard choice, But good luck with it..


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RE: A question for all - 5/10/2013 6:53:15 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		As mentioned, you "sort of" don't have much to lose looking for someone that is more compatible.

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RE: A question for all - 5/11/2013 10:39:22 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		Twoshoes41,
Been there, done that. And I can assure you that there are no easy answers.

The problem is that there must be things that you like about the vanilla person that you're currently involved with, otherwise you wouldn't be with her. Are the things that are missing more important than the things that she brings? Can you live without her? Can you live without kink? Only you can answer those questions.

Just remember, "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush". If you leave the one that you're wish, the dominant woman of your dreams may never appear. That's the reality that most of the submissive males on this board discover. Many (most?) male subs will never end up in a LTR with a Domme. Too many male subs, and too few Dommes. The numbers simply don't work in your favor.

I'm sorry if that answer is pessimistic. But I think many will agree with me that it is the reality for most male subs.

Good luck to you.
-Roch

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RE: A question for all - 5/11/2013 11:23:50 AM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		Let's not overlook that, whoever you are, whatever it is you are hoping for, most 'dominant women' are a freaking nightmare.

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RE: A question for all - 5/11/2013 1:12:41 PM   
garyFLR


Posts: 4030
Joined: 5/11/2013
Status: offline 		A 'sort of' relationship? Perhaps, if you do think enough of this person to, maybe, compromise, then it might be worth pursuing. However, if you're not finding the relationship satisfying, maybe, you should consider moving on, life's to short to waste even a second of it.

Spelling's not everything .

Cheers, Gary.

(in reply to twoshoes41)
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RE: A question for all - 5/11/2013 4:11:20 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: twoshoes41

I find myself in a bit of a difficult postion,I am in a sort of relationship,Yes its a long story.However the question is when one side only wants a "normal" relationship and the other one meaning me wants to have a different lifestyle should I end this and try and find someone else.Now I know my spelling is rubbish so please you don't need to say anything about that



How do you define "normal relationship" and "different lifestyle."

If you mean you want BDSM in the relationship and the other person's against it, then all I can say is that wouldn't work for me. Tried it too many times. Won't try it again.

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RE: A question for all - 5/11/2013 4:22:36 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Good advice for a submissive male. Of course, since the OP is a dominant male looking for submissive females, it doesn't really apply.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
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RE: A question for all - 5/11/2013 8:18:34 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I think instead of you making her feel like a second class citizen it would be much more honorable to end it, making it clear that you don't care about her the way she deserves to have her partner feel about her. As in crazy in love, perfectly compatible. As is, you're wasting her time which would be better spent finding someone who does think she's magical as is.

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RE: A question for all - 5/11/2013 8:22:53 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I completely agree. It sounds like this is nothing more than a booty call for the OP, something he is doing because he hasn't found something better. Perhaps the woman involved thinks the same way as him, in which case, go for it. However, if she is hoping this will turn into more, it is grossly unfair to keep going, when she obviously means little to the OP, unless he can change her.

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RE: A question for all - 5/13/2013 8:12:58 PM   
twoshoes41


Posts: 11
Joined: 12/23/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks for the replys,Only going to pick up on a couple of things. First I have never treated anyone like a second class citizen,Never have and I do not intend to start.My other point is that right now yes she is happy with how we are she has one child at school and does not want to get more serious .I am not bored with her as such we have a great time when we go out.Its just the other lifestlye that I like and she does not.But anyway trying not to get to deep.Thank you all for taking the time to reply

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RE: A question for all - 5/13/2013 8:32:27 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		In almost 30 years in the scene, I have never, ever seen a mixed marriage work. (And I've seen plenty of GOOD folks try.)

In this instance, by a 'mixed marriage," I mean vanilla and kink.
Think, if you can, a gay man and a straight woman for another exmple of a mixed mariage..... It's about the same.

The two parties are simply drawn in different directions.
Your kink is something she simply doesn't share.  You might try to make a relationship "work," but you both will cause the other pain.  Part company NOW..... Drinking buddies?  FOR SURE!  Significant others? Exit easily now, okay?

And I'm here to tell you, kink is JUST as powerful a need as being gay.  It IS at the root of your sexuality.

Being gay, no one asked me if I wanted to be, anymore than I was asked if I wanted to be straight.
You were not asked if you wanted to be kinky and she wasn't asked if she wanted to be vanilla.

That is all.

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 5/13/2013 8:33:39 PM >

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