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njlauren -> RE: It is just quite frustrating here (5/11/2013 7:59:47 AM)
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Karl-
I understand your reluctance at discussing 'intimate' things with strangers and so forth, though in a sense you are doing that on here, you are asking total, anonymous strangers for advice:). I realize this is all pseudonyms and it is virtual, but it is still people, it is why the whole 'cyber cheating' issue catches people by surprise, they think because it is virtual, it isn't cheating.....
To be honest, trying to get someone from on here for a relationship is going to have very low yields. The analogy I would use is a job search, posting a resume online or worse, sending in resumes blind, is extremely low yield, most jobs tend to come from networking or hooking up with a recruiter (kind of like a matchmaker in relationships), and that is what munches or events are about in part, networking, meeting others like yourself, learning, being mentored and so forth.
Munches as others have pointed out are social events, people will talk about things they have done, but a lot of the conversation could be a group of friends simply going out, enjoying a drink or meal with each others, and gabbing...or listening. If you go to a munch, you don't have to talk about things that embarrass you or make you uncomfortable, you don't have to go to a munch and say "I love being caned" or "I seek to be a sissy maid" or whatever, you can talk about 'normal' things and people won't think badly of you, in the past when I was more active, there were the people who spoke incessantly, and quiet people who listened, there were people who would describe their last play session to intimate detail, there were those who talked about the weather or sports or something *shrug*. The key thing is, these are a group of people no different than other people, BD/SM for most people isn't their total life, most of us have jobs, many have kids, families, annoying neighbors, squirrels and chipmunks engaged in deadly battle with us, taxes, cravings for things we shouldn't eat, you name it:). You can socialize and talk about music, books, a good restaurant, and meet someone without getting intimate. The key thing is dommes are people, they are attracted to people for the same reason anyone is, the BDSM stuff is just another layer.
Want to know another advantage of socializing? Often, people know people, and you end up with someone playing matchmaker (somehow, I could see LP acting as that, the doyenne and so forth:), someone introduces you to someone, and bam, it is networking and it works. On top of everything else, online sucks because it really gives you a one dimensional image of someone, there is so much missing, and quite honestly, domme or sub, there is incredible reluctance to spend time and so forth chasing an virtual person (or having them chase you). Someone who has gotten out to a munch, an event, a demo, a group meeting, has shown they are real, whereas someone posting messages on a forum has done nothing but created an account, put up pictures and a profile. Getting out shows something of yourself, it shows you are sincere, and that means a lot.
One other concern people have, which I don't know if it is yours as well, is fear that if you go to a munch or a group meeting that someone will find you out, that this will create a problem in your real life so to speak and so forth, that someone you know will see you and it will come out. One thing I can tell you with some certainty is that there isn't this group of people who go to events and munches to see if they know anyone and cause them problems, someone like that would get a rep really fast and would face all kinds of stuff for doing it, believe me. If you see someone you know there, they are there because they are into it, take it from me, or are curious. I was a member of a BD/SM group for more than a few years, was involved in a pretty high profile fetish charity auction, went to events, play parties, and never had any issues (plus these days, in most places, it simply wouldn't be a big deal, most people don't care, and from the little I know of Germany these days, doesn't sound like it would be a big deal there, either..so if that is a concern, I can tell you it is pretty much unfounded.
Again, if you go to munches or events, no one is going to be asking you intimate details unless you want to divulge them, people are pretty respectful of that in my experience, and if you say "I am a newbie, I think I am sub, and just trying to get a handle on this", people will understand, we all have been there..and yeah, it is hard, it always is when you are different. You should have seen me my first trip out presenting as Lauren, if I told the story you and everyone else would have a good laugh...or the first time I presented as myself locally, same thing, so I know. What I learned is the fear is mostly much worse than the reality....but it doesn't seem like that at the beginning.
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