10 years Later (Full Version)

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MasterAlex -> 10 years Later (11/11/2004 7:09:09 AM)

I would like to ask other Doms a question on the lifestyle. First a little background on me, I first got started in the lifestyle quite a few years ago while in the military. I had a sub back then, but moved to back to my home town and had a brief D/s relationship and then I met my future wife. We have been married for 10 years in a vanilla relationship. Just a few years ago I came across a site on the net on a local BDSM club, which I have attend a few times. My wife doesn't understand the lifestyle and doesn't want any part of it. My question to you is that, can a Dom really come back after being away from the lifestyle for so long?? It has really been bothering me and tearing me inside. I do love my wife very much!!
I would appreciate some advice in my dilema.


Thanks,

Master Alex



sweetpleaser -> RE: 10 years Later (11/11/2004 8:33:37 AM)

I know you addressed this to Doms but I wanted to say welcome to the forums Alex!! We have written to each other before and I am happy you found a sub. I hope you find all the answers you seek.

Take care,
ann



Yankeestick -> RE: 10 years Later (11/11/2004 8:48:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterAlex

My question to you is that, can a Dom really come back after being away from the lifestyle for so long??


The short uncomplicated answer to your question is an unequivocal YES.

The complication is all about this:

quote:

My wife doesn't understand the lifestyle and doesn't want any part of it.


That, my friend, is what is tearing you apart. Apparently, you ARE a dominant. There's nothing you can do about it. So you have to accept it - it's just part of who you are.

The real question is: does your wife have a complementary component to her fundamental nature.

Notice I didn't say that the question is: does your wife want to go hang out at the local dungeon and be exposed in public, have her breasts whipped, etc etc etc.

My advice to you is this: back of entirely from public play, etc for now for your wife's sake. Take all your wicked toys and tools made of black leather and stick 'em in the back of the closet.

Instead, concentrate on finding, and nurturing, what I am willing to guess is an authentic seed of submissiveness in her.

I make that guess based on the fact that you seem to be deeply connected to her, even after 10 years of marriage (by which time fundamentally mismatched people tend to grow pretty stale).

I want to recommend some resources for you to read, and think about, ok?

1. Nancy Friday's first two books on women's sexual fantasies. She blows the lid off the "dirty" secret of women's #1 sexual fantasy. (That's not true for ALL women, so Dommes needn't get their hackles up here).

2. Check out David Deida (google and amazon) - a friend of consciousness wizard Ken Wilber who does some very powerful writing and teaching about the primal yin/yang dynamic in erotic relationships - with his emphasis being on male/female d/s - even though he's not writing in an explicit BDSM context.

Deida has good things to say that will give you some pespective on her as well as you that you probably don't have yet. A Master who has a slave/wife and is a very bright guy told me recently that until he found Deida, he was a bit iffy about this power dynamic business.

3. Take a serious read of the following website:

http://www.takeninhand.com

You'll hear from a lot of intelligent and articulate women that (mostly) don't really want to have a lot to do with the external acountrements and culture of BDSM, but are quite attunded to it's inner power dynamics, in a maledom/femsub context.

This might be a good place for you to visit with your wife (after you've checked it out), to acclimate her to some ideas she hasn't considered that might really ring her bell - when her defenses are not aroused by the disturbing sight of whips, chains, leather hoods, etc.

========

Of course, all this assumes that she has this fundamental submissive capacity domant within her. And that may not be true. If she doesn't, you ARE going to be left with some difficult problems to resolve - problems that won't have any low-cost solutions.

But, in my view, it's WAY to early to worry about that.

Your mission (should you choose to accept it) is to see if you can find and awaken the sub-goddess within her to play with the dom-god bubbling around in your re-awakened brain.

Best wishes on your journey -

Yankeestick



Yankeestick -> RE: 10 years Later (11/11/2004 10:28:13 AM)

Master Alex -

When i wrote the post above, I hadn't looked at your profile, and didn't realize that you had another relationship with a sub already established.

So - what I shared may not be applicable to your situation at this point in time. It was based on thinking that you were invested solely in your marriage and struggling with reconciling that investment with your dominance.

Since you now have a submissive who is not your wife, it makes your particular challenges different than what I had assumed they were.

Best wishes on your journey -

Yankeestick



Mercnbeth -> RE: 10 years Later (11/11/2004 11:06:09 AM)

Master Alex,
First of all, especially on this day, THANK YOU for your military service to our country!

I don't think you ever stopped being a "Dom". You made a decision that the love you have for the woman you made your wife was more important then further acting and living as a Dom. There is no need to qualify that decision, your last statement; "I do love my wife very much!!", indicates that it was correct.

Your situation is not that uncommon. Many people on both sides of the lifestyle believe that their Dominant and/or submissive feelings and needs were a 'stage' they were going through. As recently as 10 years ago, depending on where you lived, access to information and resources such as the internet was limited. So, "settling down" and making a life with a vanilla woman may have been perceived as a 'right of passage' into accepting society. Don't beat yourself up for that.

Now what? Again the decision is yours. Just like 10 years ago, if these feelings don't pass or you don't want them to pass you'll have to decide. You say your wife is outside trying to understand. At least you are communicating with her. That's important. Continue to do so. Don't let her close off the discussion until you've told her in every way possible how important it is to you. I assume you've already tired to include lifestyle plan in your relationship and have been rebuffed with extreme prejudice. Once you've exhausted that, yelled, cried, cajoled, and all the rest; it still comes down to you.

Is your relationship with your wife more or less important then your lifestyle desires?

Will she allow you to fulfill your desires, perhaps with some limitations? For instance, you may go and participate at your local club but without sexual interaction.

Can you live a double life? Can you reconcile and have a non-emotional lifestyle relationship? I know this would be impossible for me, but I surrender to the argument that it can and does happen.

I don't envy what you are going through. The decision to leave a wife you obviously love is not one to be taken lightly. If children are involved it's even more complicated.

Good luck - I hope you can reconcile your physical desires with your mental and emotional ones.




NoCalOwner -> RE: 10 years Later (11/11/2004 11:18:30 AM)

I originally posted something similar to Yankeestick's first post, having made the same mistake and skipped looking at your profile.

Now that I have looked at your profile, my post is going to be quite different.

Of course you can always go back to your kink. It's just a matter of what price you're willing to pay. I know of precisely zero happy marriages where one party is vanilla and the other is getting kinky on the side, either openly or secretly. That's not to say that it's impossible, just that from my experience it seems very unlikely.

Were I in your shoes, I would consider spending a decade or so debauching the wife in a patient, even leisurely, manner. Happiness isn't a goal in the future, it's what goes on every day. I don't know anything about your wife, but I do know that a lifetime of sex-negative brainwashing often can be overcome, if you aren't in a big rush about it.

There are a number of people here who are doing things behind their spouse's back, or at least hope to, and even a few who claim that their vanilla spouse knows and doesn't mind. Personally, I have grave doubts that most of those marriages can be happy. Dishonesty is highly undesirable, and rarely works out in the long term. If you are honest about things, your wife's morale is almost certain to take a beating. She might not divorce you right away, but you might both end up wishing that she had.

I just think that one should either keep agreements, renegotiate them in a fair and happy way, or end them.

Lest I come across as a total stick-in-the-mud, I should add that I've been there. My first marriage was crappy and thoroughly unsatisfying from my perspective, but I still cared about my wife as a person and didn't want to hurt her. So, one by one, I screwed every unattached friend she had, and quite a number of other women besides. I got away with it, too! But my relationships on the side could never go anywhere. They were limited to a few hours snuck in here and there, and could never be any more than that without a divorce. Nor did it do a thing for my marriage, even though my secrets stayed intact. I finally decided that a responsible and honorable man would grit his teeth, give up on the marriage, pay the damn child support and move on. Life is full of all sorts of wonderful things, but none of them are worth sacrificing one's integrity and peace of mind over. Not to mention other peoples peace of mind.



Nvernilla -> RE: 10 years Later (11/11/2004 11:39:23 AM)

Yes of course Alex, welcome home good luck!



MasterAlex -> RE: 10 years Later (11/11/2004 11:46:28 AM)

I would like to thank everyone with their advice. I do appreciate it.



proudsub -> RE: 10 years Later (11/11/2004 1:07:56 PM)

This is a common topic here. Here are two earlier threads that might help:

married, married...

vanilla partners



feline -> RE: 10 years Later (11/11/2004 3:48:35 PM)


quote:

It has really been bothering me and tearing me inside. I do love my wife very much!! I would appreciate some advice in my dilema.



What's going to happen when your wife finds out about your extracurricular activity?


Sorry folks, I just had to ask.


Take care,


[image]local://upfiles/17000/2A9B964B19A248E38B444AB42130B088.gif[/image]



proudsub -> RE: 10 years Later (11/11/2004 5:30:12 PM)

quote:

What's going to happen when your wife finds out about your extracurricular activity?


And they usually do find out. It only takes one mistake. I remember one time when i was going to visit my first r/l dom, i had packed a bag of toys to take and i left it sitting on the kitchen floor. I was a wreck all afternoon but hubby never saw it. Hubby did find out though when my dom posted a pic of me in a photo contest on a cam site. Like i have said before it worked out well for me but everyone won't be so lucky.



MistressDREAD -> RE: 10 years Later (11/27/2004 1:01:09 PM)


sounds to ME like Your going thru the seven year itch only later Alex.

You know better then anyone what You want. Im sure You have no issue
taking that which You want either HOWEVER what Your concience tells You
is not right is also letting You know that You are a normal Human Being.

I always say for those whom are doing sumthing thats not concidered right
by societys terms: If the book were turned around and it was Your wife whom
You found out was having a extramarital affair how would You feel? How this
thought makes You feel is more then likely the same way Your actions would
make Your wife feel. Now the Decisions in Your hands and heart Dom. Make
Your choice and live with it and enjoy it for all the positive reasons You chose
it.

ThankYou for Your service to the Worlds Peace.



Nvernilla -> RE: 10 years Later (11/27/2004 10:43:03 PM)

Well will your wife be understanding of it? I don't know if most nillas know that no sex occours at most play parties...never really thought about that. My last nilla wife I was with for 10 yrs hoping to turn her on to it and never did. She was just too prudish about sex in general. The drive for it was too strong for me to live in a plastic nilla relationship. I am much happier now too. Do you and the wife have kids? There is another factor too. Whatever you do be careful in divorce court my x brought all that shit up too and had she had actual proof things would have been really hiary and scary....Mike



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