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We need a new forum. - 5/12/2013 12:26:48 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I have been considering this for a day or so, what we need is a new forum. Over in General BDSM there is a discussion about how people do not get the situation and react negatively. Well, I agree to an extent. I don't post pats or hugs to people when they are bemoaning a loss. Not because I am cold blooded, though there is a bit of that in me, but because I keep my emotional or mental pain in until it has healed over a bit. It is only then I can see things rationally, bad or good.

But it is clear to me that this is not modern thinking. I think what we need is a huggy, sweet, gentle forum so people who are having issues can receive the pets they need so that they can heal. No negativity. No suggestions. Just sympathy and hugs. It really doesn't fit into humor, or political, and off-topic is too broad. I suspect when my mother finally passes on I might need a kind word. Maybe what we need is a sweet forum.


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/12/2013 12:37:45 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		I think that's been tried...at least with a "Positive Comments Only" thread or something like that.

I think a forum in which we're forced to be supportive in our comments is stifling. And boring. (I almost never go to Introductions. Yawn.) I understand what you're saying, but I also think we all have enough sense here to not be bitchy when someone is posting about something like the death of a relative. We've all seen such great support for each other in some instances. And in other instances, telling someone to "Get over it" or "Move on" is their form of support.

If someone doesn't want to hear what others have to say, they shouldn't post on the internet.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/12/2013 12:46:53 PM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		I don't agree.
Cold hard facts are often what people really need to get back on their feet.

Warm sympathy is fine for some.
And maybe it does help people in the very short term.
But, to me (and I realise I'm probably alone in this), I really hate the warm fuzzy stuff because that doesn't help me one jot.
When my parents died, I grieved for all of.... maybe 2 minutes.
After that, all the practicalities of what needed to be done come at me like a ton of bricks and needed sorting pronto.
Even when my son died - it was me that had to pick up the pieces and organise everything.
I guess that's what makes me hard to understand sometimes on these boards.
I see no gains in helping people wallow in self-pity.

(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: We need a new forum. - 5/12/2013 2:01:30 PM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline 		FR

In my maddening way, I can see both sides on this one.

I do very much understand the need for support and sympathy. The day before my cancer diagnosis (when I was pretty sure, based on the colonoscopy, that bad news awaited me), I started my Got Prayers? thread here in Off-Topic. I was pretty clear about what I wanted--support--and folks gave it generously. They continue to do so as I post updates. I'm sure some may see it as exhibitionism or wallowing in self-pity, but I see it as being honest, with folks who've known me, virtually at least, for some years now, about where I am and what would help. I think others may be able to get similar support if they clearly stake out what they're looking for.

At the same time, I do grasp that clarity can sometimes be more important than empathy, as my therapist aunt puts it. If someone posts a general BDSM problem, I can understand folks' responding with suggestions and solutions. I confess I don't entirely understand the dynamic by which CM veterans pile onto a newbie, as sometimes happens.

The solution might be less a whole new forum than a sticky note on how to seek support. Just a thought.

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/12/2013 3:57:03 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Most of us are happy to offer support when asked for it. We understand that everyone needs to vent occasionally.

But someone requiring it constantly when they consistently make poor choices and have had that pointed out to them is going to eventually find that people no longer want to listen.

Because listening to someone bewailing their life when there are options gets old fast.

However, a sticky would not be a bad idea if only the people who need it were the type to bother to read it first. They aren't.
You want to vent, say so. You want pity during a bad day, ditto. Do not expect mind reading though, that you will not get.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to dcnovice)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/12/2013 4:06:03 PM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

But someone requiring it constantly when they consistently make poor choices and have had that pointed out to them is going to eventually find that people no longer want to listen.

Because listening to someone bewailing their life when there are options gets old fast.

Very true.

ETA: Well said as always, DesFIP. Thanks!

< Message edited by dcnovice -- 5/12/2013 4:14:06 PM >

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/12/2013 5:28:29 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I am not the warm sympathy type. Not in giving it, because I would rather do something to physically help, such as dropping by with a good meal for the family. I don't really find posted hugs sufficient, and hugs to people I don't know is too much of a platitude for my taste. I also don't care to get them back, as for me it is like saying, "hi how are you?" when you really don't need an answer. It lacks meaning.
But, I do see that some people need those things. Just as others may need to collect friends on facebook or twitter, for some seeing that army in agreement can be empowering.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to dcnovice)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/12/2013 6:31:52 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I think we need a forum for people to post who are sensitive. This way they won't get all butt hurt when someone says something they don't like and then complain about others "abusing" them online. The hugs and pats would work out well there.

As for me, I don't usually come here too much to ask for pats or hugs. I may share information on the "I admit" thread but not for hugs or pats but just to say what's on my mind and get it off mine.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/12/2013 7:21:28 PM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

I don't really find posted hugs sufficient,

Me neither. But they've proven a surprisingly moving complement to the amazing love and support I've been given by folks in my offline life. And now and then, my cancer thread is an outlet for venting stuff I don't want to tell people I know (such as the fact that they're driving me nuts.)

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/12/2013 7:52:45 PM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

I think we need a forum for people to post who are sensitive. This way they won't get all butt hurt when someone says something they don't like and then complain about others "abusing" them online. The hugs and pats would work out well there.

Hmm.

A "Sensitive Souls" forum might be handy.

Ditto for "Jaded Hags," which might be more populous.

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/12/2013 10:10:25 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		oh man... I would so join that forum!
quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice

Ditto for "Jaded Hags," which might be more populous.



_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to dcnovice)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/13/2013 4:55:51 PM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

oh man... I would so join that forum!
quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice

Ditto for "Jaded Hags," which might be more populous.




LOL!

Joking aside, "Questions From Newcomers" and "I Just Need to Vent" might be threads/sections to consider.

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/13/2013 6:00:04 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst
I think what we need is a huggy, sweet, gentle forum so people who are having issues can receive the pets they need so that they can heal. No negativity. No suggestions. Just sympathy and hugs. It really doesn't fit into humor, or political, and off-topic is too broad. I suspect when my mother finally passes on I might need a kind word. Maybe what we need is a sweet forum.


I received a LOT of love and kind support in the Admit It thread when I was helping my sister through the death of her husband. That thread isn't just for warm fuzzy support, though, but there are mostly supportive people who post there, and share about life in general. I'm good with just that thread and don't see the need for a new forum.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/13/2013 6:01:17 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Hmm... those would be nice. Lord knows there are a lot of questions from newcomers.

quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice


quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

oh man... I would so join that forum!
quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice

Ditto for "Jaded Hags," which might be more populous.




LOL!

Joking aside, "Questions From Newcomers" and "I Just Need to Vent" might be threads/sections to consider.



_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to dcnovice)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/13/2013 7:37:22 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		So we'd get the "Has anyone ever did knife play on an inflatable slave?", & "Help! My online dom locked himself in the trunk of his car and I don't know what to do!" threads into one section?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/13/2013 7:57:24 PM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline 		Great examples, Level! They bring to mind two of my all-time favorite threads:

The Ultimate Collarme Question?

The Ultimate Collarme Problem?

Mods: I know we're not supposed to necro old threads, but these are (he says modestly) kind of classic.

< Message edited by dcnovice -- 5/13/2013 8:03:57 PM >

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/13/2013 8:06:53 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Both excellent threads!

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to dcnovice)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/13/2013 10:51:52 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Both excellent threads!

Totally laughing over here. Not sure HOW I missed those back then!!!

And it was fun to see all the old names again.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: We need a new forum. - 5/14/2013 3:57:46 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Agreed, beautiful one. I miss a bunch of those folks.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 19
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