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To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 8:58:42 PM

lostnlooking9

Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2011
Status: offline

Hey all..

I've read a fair amount of posts here, and a large number of replies happen to come up as "go to a munch" "Find a play party" "go to a local group to meet people"

Sometimes that seems to be the end all answer or solution for some.

But what if someone has no group or munch nearby? What if they must drive 2 hours to get to one and for whatever reason are unable to get to one because of such?
Is such ever considered when giving answers to people seeking such from peers on here?
And that doesn't even take into account that munches or the public scene isn't for everyone.

Secondly, I see a lot of posts from people looking for advice on how to find their perfect sub or Domme or whatever. And of course "go to a Munch" is a common answer.
The thing is, from my understanding and my experience, it is not.
For the most part, many munches are attended by the same group of people month to month. Yes, new people come on occasion and other people stop, but for the most part it is the same general group all the time.
Attending a Munch with the hope of meeting someone would end in disappointment. YES, I know and understand that you cannot meet someone right off, and sometimes you may have to get to know them through multiple munches. However I see Munches as a place to meet people who are into the lifestyle, get to know them, talk and share experiences and have a good time, Not as a place to meet a partner. Yes you can, and yes it does happen.
But does it happen often enough to really be good advice to offer people? Especially since not everyone lives in large cities where the munch attendance may be more volatile?

Perhaps as a reflection, of all those or any of those who recommend Munches as a good place to meet a partner, how many d/s relationships of yours personally have come from such yourself?

I know many will disagree with the above and I may be bashed, and so be it. I am reflecting on if it is really good advice to tell and give so many people the answer of "go to a munch" as opposed to an answer that may be helpful specifically for them. Perhaps I am wrong with the above and if so I would admit such, in any case perhaps it would make for a good conversation.

thank you

Post #: 1

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 9:04:21 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I totally agree with you.

It is given as ad hoc advice because no one had a clue how to find a partner.

I went to 2 munches in my life and that was it for me. There were tons of Dommes and sub men, so that did not work for me.

The best you can do is live your life and keep your options open.

(in reply to lostnlooking9)

Post #: 2

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 9:14:37 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

I've often given that advice to people with no real-world experience, and to people who don't appear cut out for online dating. I agree with you that munches can have the same group of (often dysfunctional "poly") people showing up week after week. And, as I've posted several times here, at least half of the women I've played with hard-limited the BDSM scene, so without CM, Fet, etc., I would never have met them at all.

It really depends on where someone is at, what kinds of social skills they bring to the table, the quality of scene members in their local area, and other factors. There isn't one right answer.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to lostnlooking9)

Post #: 3

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 9:19:55 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lostnlooking9
Perhaps as a reflection, of all those or any of those who recommend Munches as a good place to meet a partner, how many d/s relationships of yours personally have come from such yourself?

One. I met someone at the first munch I went to and we stayed together for about two years. Due to multiple reasons, the relationship ended eventually. That's when I was a sub and became a Domme. Now, my chances at a munch would blow because the ratio is overwhelmingly M/f at our local munches. Male subs are vastly in the minority around here.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to lostnlooking9)

Post #: 4

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 9:29:57 PM

lostnlooking9

Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

It really depends on where someone is at, what kinds of social skills they bring to the table, the quality of scene members in their local area, and other factors. There isn't one right answer.

My point exactly. There are so many factors that come into place, how is it a beneficial or useful form of advice for people looking to meet someone without knowing or understanding those factors in relation to the one asking for the advice?

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 5

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 9:39:27 PM

MasterCaneman

Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
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I offer that advice because there really is no simple way to tell someone "how to meet a (insert gender/title/etc)" My own personal connections have either originated in a fetish club I worked in, the other bars I worked at, and the group of people I ran with. I just have this knack for zeroing in on compatible people.

I had a great time at the first munch I went to in my area. The folks were nice, it was very casual, and I felt very much at ease. The reason to go to these things is for the networking value they can give you. Yeah, the local munch may indeed be composed of the same "tribe", but you know what? Those people know other people, and so on, and so on. It's called the Rule of 250-every person you meet or interact with can influence up to 250 other people, and if you make a good impression, perhaps one of those two hundred fifty are who you're looking for.

Many local groups require you to attend a munch or some other non-kink social event before you can attend a play party. That's where you start making your connections by becoming a real face and a voice. Yeah, it may be a pain in the ass to drive two hundred miles, but isn't that better than finding your "connection" in another state or time zone?

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Post #: 6

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 9:42:31 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lostnlooking9
My point exactly. There are so many factors that come into place, how is it a beneficial or useful form of advice for people looking to meet someone without knowing or understanding those factors in relation to the one asking for the advice?

Did you really not read the first part of what I wrote? Meeting people in real life is a great first step for people who have not yet connected kink to real life, not fantasy.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to lostnlooking9)

Post #: 7

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 9:51:33 PM

VioletViolence

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/30/2012
Status: offline

I think "go to a munch" is such standard advice simply because it gets people out of the house and meeting/talking to kinky people who are local to them. This can help to clear up misconceptions the person may have about kink and perhaps gain them a new friend or two. I suggest munches not because I think a person will find their dream partner, but because the people I suggest them to have been "online only" and could use a reality injection. I don't think they're a sure fire way to find a partner and maybe you don't always meet the most awesome people. But the whole point is to get a whole bunch of kinky people together. So the more kinky people attending, the higher likely-hood of finding some awesome people.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 8

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 9:57:33 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman
Many local groups require you to attend a munch or some other non-kink social event before you can attend a play party. That's where you start making your connections by becoming a real face and a voice.

Ours does. There's no way anyone around here will invite you to play on their private property without having seen you publicly/met you somewhere else first.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to MasterCaneman)

Post #: 9

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 10:04:16 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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I rarely tell people to go to a munch, though I do highly recommend people try one to see if it fits. They are not generally places to hook up, but they are good places to network. Around here going to munches is part of the vetting process to get you into the local dungeon. I do see people complaining that the local munch in their area is not really local, being 2 hrs away or more. To that I say, start your own, MAKE things happen if you want them.
I don't view munching as fertile ground for mating. I see it as common ground to meet other kinksters. The advice to "go to a munch" that I see here is more to get people who have only been exposed to fantasy, to the reality of the kind of people who really do this stuff we do.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to lostnlooking9)

Post #: 10

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 10:09:31 PM

lostnlooking9

Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Did you really not read the first part of what I wrote? Meeting people in real life is a great first step for people who have not yet connected kink to real life, not fantasy.

I read and understood the first part clearly. And you are correct as that can help, I never disagreed with such. "Meeting people" can mean different things I guess and to me, when applied to a munch, it means meeting like minded people and getting to know them. This doesn't make what I wrote any less true. Just because meeting people and attending a Munch might help them understand their place in d/s and help them to learn if it's for them or not, doesn't mean that such also is good advice to offer to meet a potential mate.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 11

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 10:53:08 PM

MasterCaneman

Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VioletViolence

I think "go to a munch" is such standard advice simply because it gets people out of the house and meeting/talking to kinky people who are local to them. This can help to clear up misconceptions the person may have about kink and perhaps gain them a new friend or two. I suggest munches not because I think a person will find their dream partner, but because the people I suggest them to have been "online only" and could use a reality injection. I don't think they're a sure fire way to find a partner and maybe you don't always meet the most awesome people. But the whole point is to get a whole bunch of kinky people together. So the more kinky people attending, the higher likely-hood of finding some awesome people.

Nailed it. There are too many guys (let's face it, most are guys) complaining who spend way too much time looking at online porn, and it skews their perception of the what the real scene is. But you all knew that by now.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler

(in reply to VioletViolence)

Post #: 12

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 10:55:24 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

I don't do munches, generally speaking, and I know what you mean about them not being a huge pool of potential partners, but I still think for a lot of people, especially those asking why they can't find someone, it's decent advice.

It gives them another shot at finding someone - sure, there might not be many singles there, but why leave the option unexplored? Plus anyone you do meet at that munch is likely to be local, and possibly have some reputation to recommend them, so you have a head start. And by getting to know people there, you might get invited to other events, introduced to other friends etc - the circle can go wider than the munch.

More importantly though is that you get to see how other people are living it. This is especially important for people who come in with porn-inspired fantasies or very naive ideas about how things should work. To see a bunch of people with different relationships and tastes can dispel some myths and also offer some reassurance that what they want is ok. So ultimately even if they continue to search for their potential mate online, they may have clearer expectations of what they are looking for and how to communicate that.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to lostnlooking9)

Post #: 13

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 11:17:36 PM

Delilya

Posts: 4108
Joined: 2/2/2011
Status: offline

I am one who enjoys going to munches. One thing led to another and through networking I've met a lot of wonderful people. I now belong to 3 different groups, each with their own personalities. No, it has not led to a full on relationship, but I am not looking for that. I've made really good friends and met great play partners.

I enjoy being around people who understand/accept me for who/what I am. I find it nice to be able to talk to others about the lifestyle and know I won't be judged. Munches led to play parties, events and demo's, all of which I have a blast attending. And yes, one of the groups is an hour and half away, in the next state.

But hey, that's just me and like everything else in the lifestyle... to each their own.

_____________________________

“Love me without fear, trust me without questioning, need me without demanding, want me without restrictions, accept me without changes, desire me without inhibitions"-Dick Sutphen

(in reply to MasterCaneman)

Post #: 14

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 11:20:07 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lostnlooking9

Hey all..

I've read a fair amount of posts here, and a large number of replies happen to come up as "go to a munch" "Find a play party" "go to a local group to meet people"

Sometimes that seems to be the end all answer or solution for some.

But what if someone has no group or munch nearby? What if they must drive 2 hours to get to one and for whatever reason are unable to get to one because of such?
Is such ever considered when giving answers to people seeking such from peers on here?
And that doesn't even take into account that munches or the public scene isn't for everyone.

Yes, I consider it because we do it. Have a look at where I live. The closest munch is in Fairbanks. Before our two year residence here, we lived in a small town called Paso Robles, CA. By the time we left, we got a decent group going in San Luis Obispo but for the first year there, we drove to Bakersfield every month. That's three hours away.

Four years ago when we lived in GA, the munches were actually in the same town that we lived in. Still made tons of trips to Atlanta to play at the club there or go to major events.

quote:

Secondly, I see a lot of posts from people looking for advice on how to find their perfect sub or Domme or whatever. And of course "go to a Munch" is a common answer.
The thing is, from my understanding and my experience, it is not.
For the most part, many munches are attended by the same group of people month to month. Yes, new people come on occasion and other people stop, but for the most part it is the same general group all the time.

Your experience is different than Mine, then. Of course, many of the places where I have been a part of the kink community also have a strong military influence. That means that there is a core group who live there permanently and there is also the ebb and flow of people moving to the area and moving away when they go to the next duty station.

quote:

Attending a Munch with the hope of meeting someone would end in disappointment. YES, I know and understand that you cannot meet someone right off, and sometimes you may have to get to know them through multiple munches. However I see Munches as a place to meet people who are into the lifestyle, get to know them, talk and share experiences and have a good time, Not as a place to meet a partner. Yes you can, and yes it does happen.
But does it happen often enough to really be good advice to offer people? Especially since not everyone lives in large cities where the munch attendance may be more volatile?

Again, your experiences are different than Mine. Even if somebody runs across Me on the net first, I'm pretty straight forward about it. I tell them what munch/event/club I'll be at and if they want to meet Me, they can meet Me there. Otherwise, I don't bother.

quote:

Perhaps as a reflection, of all those or any of those who recommend Munches as a good place to meet a partner, how many d/s relationships of yours personally have come from such yourself?

All but one. All of the others, the arrangement was to meet at the local munch, even if it wasn't local for the other person. If you want to start discussing play partners over and above just authority dynamics, it's darn near all of those, too. I think the last person that I topped without meeting them at a munch first was around three years ago and that was at a private party. (There's some threads around here somewhere about the parties that former member of CM used to hold.)

quote:

I know many will disagree with the above and I may be bashed, and so be it. I am reflecting on if it is really good advice to tell and give so many people the answer of "go to a munch" as opposed to an answer that may be helpful specifically for them. Perhaps I am wrong with the above and if so I would admit such, in any case perhaps it would make for a good conversation.

thank you

I'm not bashing you. I give the advice that I do about going to munches because My experience says that it works. Not only for partners for dynamics, but also for play partners, networking, friends, and kink education. I just don't believe that a person has the same opportunities by sitting at home.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to lostnlooking9)

Post #: 15

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 11:30:17 PM

lostnlooking9

Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

Nailed it. There are too many guys (let's face it, most are guys) complaining who spend way too much time looking at online porn, and it skews their perception of the what the real scene is. But you all knew that by now.

I don't doubt that may be the case. Many of those guys may also be married or only desire the sexual side. As soon as they get off they pack it all away and shove it back into the closet until next time.
My question isn't debating the usefulness of munches or their point. Or even that they should be suggested as a place to go or not.
It was if munches are a good place to meet a partner or not. and if it is not, why is it given so often as a suggestion for such?

Unless you believe that everyone looking for help and advice in finding someone has a fantasy like perspective of how the lifestyle is. Even still I feel such are 2 different topics personally.

(in reply to MasterCaneman)

Post #: 16

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 11:41:05 PM

lostnlooking9

Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

More importantly though is that you get to see how other people are living it. This is especially important for people who come in with porn-inspired fantasies or very naive ideas about how things should work. To see a bunch of people with different relationships and tastes can dispel some myths and also offer some reassurance that what they want is ok. So ultimately even if they continue to search for their potential mate online, they may have clearer expectations of what they are looking for and how to communicate that.

Understood. But then you assume that everyone asking for advice needs a lesson in such.

In my past munch and public attendances I have seen and observed times that might speak to the contrary.
I have seen people get more or less mocked or shunned away because the way their relationship worked was different from anyone else there.
I attended a play party where there was a ton of gossip because this Dom did his play and aftercare differently from another's and how one was better than the other and vice versa.(in a negative/ he's wrong sense, not debating sense)

And if established couples divorced or broke up? It was like a line in the sand and it was everyone's business seemingly. Pick your side.

True such observances were few and far between, but they happened. And such would taint the experience of any first timer there should they be there during such.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 17

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 11:55:37 PM

lostnlooking9

Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2011
Status: offline

To all, since it was brought up several times already...

"Going to a munch so people can get a dose of non fantasy reality."

This is an interesting point. But is it valid? Would a well written article online provide better info and enlightenment than going to some munches?

Most munches I've attended, the conversation was on basic normal day to day conversation with some kink stuff throw in.
Not often was behind the closed doors stuff discussed.

Most people with a fantasy might understand that in public people need to act respectable, so attending a munch won't change their perspective that when everyone goes home they are stripping naked and being tied up and put in cages. unless by chance such was brought up or discussed during the munch.
So how would the perceptions of someone who doesn't know any better change for any better when most munches don't address or bring up the issue of fantasies vs reality?
Isn't it along the same lines as "is this truly a good place to meet someone"
just instead " is this truly a good place to learn the difference between fantasy and reality?

Yes I know that it could help, and that something is better than nothing, but isn't and wouldn't there be better things to suggest instead?

(in reply to lostnlooking9)

Post #: 18

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/16/2013 11:58:56 PM

FanceeFreak

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/12/2011
Status: offline

I went to a couple of munches but quite frankly I found them boring. I have had success in finding partners on line. I would suggest that a newbie find a site like this one, search for people in their area & read the boards or go into chat rooms.

(in reply to lostnlooking9)

Post #: 19

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? - 5/17/2013 12:09:08 AM

lostnlooking9

Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm not bashing you. I give the advice that I do about going to munches because My experience says that it works. Not only for partners for dynamics, but also for play partners, networking, friends, and kink education. I just don't believe that a person has the same opportunities by sitting at home.
[/color]

Thank you. A well written and thought out reply, and one that I can understand and accept.
Though I do think the perception is skewed some.

You attend and have attended Munches because you enjoyed them, correct? For whatever reason. Not to meet someone, correct? You just happened to meet someone in the course of your Munches.

Which I don't disagree could happen, and would agree that long term it could be a place to find someone. But if someone's goal was to meet someone, not desiring new friends and with little desire or care for getting heavily involved into any local scene. And they go to Munches hoping or expecting to meet someone, wouldn't more often than not they end up disappointed? Heck even having a single match of what you seek attending a Munch is far from guaranteed ever.

Like I said above, Munches have other uses and points, however meeting a partner isn't one of the main ones. Nor should it be.

Though I agree sitting at home alone limits someone as going out always gives more opportunities.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 20

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