RE: Need Adivice ASAP

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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 2:44:24 AM)
Let me try to summarise your problem: You have a dominant partner. At the beginning of the relationship you agreed on some boundaries. These boundaries meant excluding some activity that he has been doing all his life but you can't cope with. It appears you were both wrong in thinking that compromise would work. He then broke the agreement by doing it anyway (which most people will agree was wrong). You have tried to talk about it, which results in him saying it will change, but it does not. You have suggested you end the relationship and this is met with anger. You also love him. Am I correct so far? 1) You have incompatible needs. Whatever this 'boundary' is between you, it's clearly not something that you can compromise on. He is clearly not willing to give it up, and you are not willing to live with it. Neither of you are wrong or right, you just don't match. 2) He went back on whatever you agreed, and this has (understandably) broken your trust. Do you want your life ruled by someone you can't trust? Whatever this thing is, it's clearly distressing to you, which tells me he is putting his own satisfaction above yours. 3) He does not intend to change. He has had the chance to change, and just made weak promises and done nothing. Listen to his actions. You are saying 'I am not happy' and he is saying 'I will not change'. You can argue and plead with a mountain until you run out of breath but it won't move, you either deal with it or go in another direction. 4) When you talk about ending the relationship he uses lies, anger and false promises. Those are manipulative behaviours. Of course this is only one side of the story and you've been very vague about the facts. I'm sure he would blame you for some things too. But ultimately who is at fault is not as important as the fact that you are not happy in this relationship and he can't meet your needs. This will not change. You will continue being unhappy and dissatisfied. I know it's hard to walk away from a relationship you are invested in, and that you love him, and that you are (possibly?) scared of his reaction. The thing is, a rough break up might hurt badly for six months. A miserable relationship could hurt badly for the rest of your life. Once you are out of it you will be in a position to sift through the wreckage and see what you can learn for next time. I sense you're not ready to take action yet. You will get there. What would you tell your best friend/sister if she were in this situation?

Kirata -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 2:58:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirLogansSub He just doesnt seem to care how unhappy i am inside as long as im quiet about it Excuse me, but it's becoming rather obvious that the person who doesn't care how unhappy you are is you. K.

Focus50 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 3:25:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ARIES83 quote: ORIGINAL: Kana And with that, I'm making like Snagglepuss and exiting stage right. Color me gone from this thread. Tips hat, bows to all. Disappears, leaving naught save a ring o'smoke and a caption that says "poof," fifties Hanna Barbara style Typical... Even controlling when you leave a thread...[sm=poke.gif] Only one of the 2 nic's he's posted under here has thus far released a press statement of his departure. Not even a smiley face, either, but this time I smiled for the humour. So I'm underwhelmed at what you call "control".... ;) Focus.

ARIES83 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 3:43:31 AM)
[sm=jaw.gif] Heh, I was actually up Mayfield way a couple of days ago, went to head home towards the F3, and realised I was turned around as I drove over hexam bridge... Turned around, back over the bridge, headed towards the F3 again and realised I was turned around when I saw signs saying I was heading towards Maitland... Turned... Around... Went past the F3 again because there was no way to turn on to it heading back to Mayfield... Found some milk factory driveway or something cut across the road, ducked in there so I could turn around, headed back to F3... With apple maps talking to me this time... And... Got there. Not my finest moment... Err, blatant sidetrack[:D]

Focus50 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 4:22:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ARIES83 Heh, I was actually up Mayfield way a couple of days ago, went to head home towards the F3, and realised I was turned around as I drove over hexam bridge... Turned around, back over the bridge, headed towards the F3 again and realised I was turned around when I saw signs saying I was heading towards Maitland... Turned... Around... Went past the F3 again because there was no way to turn on to it heading back to Mayfield... Found some milk factory driveway or something cut across the road, ducked in there so I could turn around, headed back to F3... With apple maps talking to me this time... And... Got there. Not my finest moment... Err, blatant sidetrack[:D] And here's me who lives near as dammit to midway between Mayfield & Hexham.... I'll assume that was the "Oak" milk factory under the bridge where you turned in. Previous to that, coming from Maitland, you can indeed turn right onto the F3 from there. You've just gotta be in the left lane to do it - duhhhh! [;)] Seems you just have a thing for travelling the overpasses - you've gotta broaden those horizons. lol Focus.

SeekingTrinity -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 1:42:12 PM)
~FRing it~ Well, I'm thinking everything that could be said has been said already by others. So there isn't much I can add except... Life is just too fucking short to be unhappy. It sadly doesn't seem like the love you have for him is enough, OP. if it was, I doubt you'd be here seeking whatever it is you are seeking from a group of people who you don't know and who don't know you. But I do think getting fresh perspectives is always a good thing to help you make the right decision that is going to work for you. Ask yourself this question...have I done everything I can to get my needs met by my partner? If you have and nothing has changed, the reality is that they probably will not change. You can't change other people. All you can do is change how you act. If he isn't doing it for you, he may not be capable of giving you what you need. And no amount of "but I love him" can change that. Unless the desire to love and be with him is greater than your desire to live a dynamic. I guess based on my interpretation of the scant info you gave, BDSM and a relationship with him might be mutually exclusive. Like anything else in life, why do this if its making you unhappy and not meeting your needs?

MasterSadric -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 2:05:18 PM)
The FIRST responsibility of a dominant is the well-being of his or her sub. That means emotional as well as physical. If you are unhappy, then he is not meeting his responsibilities. IF I am reading between the lines correctly, it sounds like he's ignoring your limits. If that is the case, he has crossed the line from D/s to abuse. If any sub of mine told me s/he wasn't happy, you know I'd DAMN well get to the bottom of the matter. If my sub didn't like pain, for example, I would find other activities. There are plenty of ways to get a sub to scream [:D] Limits MUST be respected, and a D/s relationship needs to be very clear on them, and as soon as those limits are not respected, the relationship is OVER, because the trust is destroyed. This is about as black and white as things get. -Sadric

OsideGirl -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 2:18:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSadric The FIRST responsibility of a dominant is the well-being of his or her sub. That means emotional as well as physical. If you are unhappy, then he is not meeting his responsibilities. IF I am reading between the lines correctly, it sounds like he's ignoring your limits. If that is the case, he has crossed the line from D/s to abuse. If any sub of mine told me s/he wasn't happy, you know I'd DAMN well get to the bottom of the matter. If my sub didn't like pain, for example, I would find other activities. There are plenty of ways to get a sub to scream [:D] Limits MUST be respected, and a D/s relationship needs to be very clear on them. -Sadric I'm going to disagree with you on this. While he accepted a bunch of responsibilities the day he collared me, it is NOT his responsibility to make me happy. That lies on my shoulders. We have a very one sided view of what this relationship is. For all we know, she has built the fantasy up to a level that is untenable to uphold. For all we know, all of her talking could have been accusations and screaming. What we do know, is that they're both clearly unhappy and not doing anything about it.

MasterSadric -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 2:30:15 PM)
OsideGirl I should have been more specific. If a sub is unhappy in the relationship due to the dominant disregarding the sub's emotional health, then the dominant has FAILED. Yes, you are correct, nobody is responsible for one's happiness but oneself. Yes, we are only getting one side. More details would probably help.

Regweld -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 3:36:03 PM)
This has definitely been an interesting thread. We can never know all of the story, really of any story. The advice is helpful to those who need it and for those who can't use it right now or possibly never will, they'll go find some more somewhere else. For me though, littlewonder gave me the kick in the ass..."Want my real advice? I'll tell you what an old man told me once a long time ago. Grow up. Show up. Shut up. take some control of your life and responsibility for your choices and actions." Fantastic advice...just have to keep that in mind from time to time. Thanks littlewonder!

FrostedFlake -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 3:46:18 PM)
Hi, Regweld. It's nice to see you. I hope things have been going well.

littlewonder -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 6:33:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSadric OsideGirl I should have been more specific. If a sub is unhappy in the relationship due to the dominant disregarding the sub's emotional health, then the dominant has FAILED. Yes, you are correct, nobody is responsible for one's happiness but oneself. Yes, we are only getting one side. More details would probably help. I'll be the one to disagree with you on this point. It's the failure of both parties. Relationships take two people. It's rarely ever one person.

littlewonder -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 6:34:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Regweld This has definitely been an interesting thread. We can never know all of the story, really of any story. The advice is helpful to those who need it and for those who can't use it right now or possibly never will, they'll go find some more somewhere else. For me though, littlewonder gave me the kick in the ass..."Want my real advice? I'll tell you what an old man told me once a long time ago. Grow up. Show up. Shut up. take some control of your life and responsibility for your choices and actions." Fantastic advice...just have to keep that in mind from time to time. Thanks littlewonder! Thank Master Kana. He uses my account when he is on my computer because I'm already logged in. Don't worry though. Stick around and you'll notice the differences in our postings. [;)] But yes, He is absolutely wonderful in giving advice. [:)]

Greta75 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 6:44:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirLogansSub Im not happy anymore. Im a very good sub when Im happy but I feel things r too one sided here. Am I just not being a good sub or do I not have some boundaries that should be respected? Looking for advice from other Doms because He is my first and only but I have read up and feel He is not adhering to His role Don't get too upset here. The problem with this board is, too many super experienced people, and they roll their eyes at newbies who are just beginning to explore and discover and find their way. You are at the beginning of your journey, exploring what this lifestyle is about, and you will go through alot of mix feelings, confusions and difficulty of leaving when it's incompatibility occurs is probably one of the hardest thing to go through. I can relate to your situation. My x-dom and I were deeply inlove with each other. We are extremely emotionally connected as friends that even now, we talk everyday, and his playing with others and I am playing with others now, but we talk about it with each other and are open about it with each other, even though we are no longer together. I know we still deeply care for each other, but have concede defeat that we can't compromise on the bdsm elements of it, and have chosen to find fulfillment with other partners. The bdsm part is the problem...., I have an idea of how I should be dominated, which differs from his idea of domination. The issue is this. He wants to be able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, whether I like it or not. He wants me to submit into uncomfortable things and break my limits for him. That's his thing, and he will find a sub who loves being pushed like that, which he has now. I learnt from my experience there are only 2 choices. Choice 1 is leave and find someone new. Choice 2 is compromise, give in, make him happy and hopefully in doing that, he will soften towards you and compromise with you even more, seeing that you have given unconditionally. After all true love is unconditional right? If you can't give unconditionally, which if you are honest to yourself, you don't really feel good giving unconditionally to this person, then, the other option is to find someone else who understands what turns you on completely, and loves watching you in pleasure. But I understand that you're probably just needing a listening ear and to vent. You're not ready to end it yet. But as someone else said, if you put your fantasies and sexual wants aside, and simply listen to your brain, that is usually the right choice, as much as it's a difficult choice.

Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 7:53:15 PM)
^^^ This was a wonderful post. I wish there was a "love" button like the one on Fetlife. I also wish I'd read this a year ago.

Greta75 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/27/2013 8:03:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2 ^^^ This was a wonderful post. I wish there was a "love" button like the one on Fetlife. I also wish I'd read this a year ago. Thank you :), glad it's useful, hope it will offer comfort to any going through the same things.

HappilyMiserable -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/28/2013 5:16:42 PM)
I'm going to make a note to review Kana's posting history. With all the folks here rushing to his defense he must have some damn fine qualities, but from this thread it's hard for a newbie to think him anything but a 24-karat horse's ass. Is that what the CM forums are about? Belittling and dismissing the concerns of confused, emotional submissives who fully admit to being inexperienced? Nice ambassadorship of the lifestyle.

TNDommeK -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/28/2013 5:37:24 PM)
If they act like ass hats, yes. Not saying the op did that. Maybe he felt like having a bit of fun with her, who knows. But in response to your statement, yes, Kana does have great qualities. I would always prefer real talk than sugar coating bullshit. But that's just me knowing him from the forums. You on the other hand, we don't know. So calling a regular poster here a "24-karat horses ass" (whatever the hell that means) might not go over so well.

OsideGirl -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/28/2013 6:05:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HappilyMiserable Is that what the CM forums are about? Belittling and dismissing the concerns of confused, emotional submissives who fully admit to being inexperienced? Nice ambassadorship of the lifestyle. To be blunt: the OP has nothing to do with being part of the lifestyle. It's a relationship problem, not a "lifestyle" problem. She's 38, so unless she's managed to make it to 38 without ever having a relationship, she's not a newbie to life. It's a situation where simple common sense answers the question. Yep, we're blunt. It's because a lot of us have been around long enough to know that blunt usually gets through and we expect people to be adults and assume some responsibility for what is going on in their lives. Lastly, Kana made a joke. The OP then proceeded to call him abusive and fake, but you're perfectly okay with that.

tazzygirl -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/28/2013 6:14:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HappilyMiserable I'm going to make a note to review Kana's posting history. With all the folks here rushing to his defense he must have some damn fine qualities, but from this thread it's hard for a newbie to think him anything but a 24-karat horse's ass. Is that what the CM forums are about? Belittling and dismissing the concerns of confused, emotional submissives who fully admit to being inexperienced? Nice ambassadorship of the lifestyle. Not all men feel the need to act like a white knight to ride to a damsel's distress.

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