how to safely pick a dom? (Full Version)

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SaintEccentric -> how to safely pick a dom? (5/27/2013 10:23:17 PM)

I'm new but I know this is what I want. On my search to find a master I am afraid I will pick the wrong one or get trained improperly. and advice?



FrostedFlake -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/27/2013 10:34:21 PM)

Treat it like dating. If you find you would rather be elsewhere, go.



myotherself -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/27/2013 10:37:54 PM)

There is no 'universal training standard' so you cannot be improperly trained.

A decent Dom will train you to do the things s/he wants you to do, in the way that s/he wants you to do it.

But I will echo FrostedFlake's advice - treat it like dating. Meet the person and get to know them well. Only when you are sure they are a good person who is compatible with your wants/needs, then add the kink.

That might not be the way you prefer to do it, but it worked for me.



LafayetteLady -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 12:06:46 AM)

I'm going to echo the others as well. Before you discovered this was what you wanted, did you worry about picking the "wrong" vanilla guy to date?

I will give you a suggestion though that will help you avoid some (a very small some, but every little bit helps) of the "wrong" guys. Rewrite your profile, and take out anything that refers to you being new to this. That is like the smell of blood to a vampire. Write a profile describing your vanilla self, what you hope to find in a man, and what you plan to bring to the relationship. NOTHING about being new. Since your OP title was how to "safely" pick a dominant, that is a safety tip. Don't look like a lamb waiting for the lions to slaughter.

Other than that, good luck, and welcome. Oh, and let me be the first to say, attend a local munch and meet some real people.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 12:51:52 AM)

FR

First off, forget about being trained improperly. If what you are doing works for the two of you, it's proper. Doesn't matter if you're doing it differently than every other Dom/sub couple out there. In fact, I can almost guarantee that you WILL be doing things that are different from other people.

Training is a difficult concept. There can be no set standard to how a sub should be trained, any more than there is a set way people have to run their marriages. What makes me happy might make you miserable, and vice versa. If your dom likes you to greet him at the door naked, and my dom likes me to be dolled up and busy making his dinner when he gets home, neither of those are wrong. My dom might like me to scream and struggle when he hurts me, yours might like you to accept it in stoic silence - neither are wrong. But equally, it means that any training I have had to please my dom would be useless if I got into a relationship with yours.... does that make sense?

Now unless you are intending to join the leather lifestyle, in which case there will be some specific protocols to learn, you can see how the concept of being improperly trained is meaningless. He's not likely to teach you to make coffee and give blow jobs in a way that he doesn't like, is he?

In terms of safety, I would be wary about putting comments on profiles about needing training, because there are a number of unscrupulous 'dominants' out there who will attempt to convince new subs that they need extensive training or they'll never find anyone - what they really mean is they would like to beat and fuck you without the responsibility of actually having a relationship with you. Someone who thinks you are totally new and believe you need to be trained might well pull the 'if you were a real sub card'. If you were a real sub, you'd find him another woman to fuck. If you were a real sub, you'd do xyz without question. It's not true. You can be a sub and have limits. You don't get kicked out of the sub-club for not being subly enough (I would've been out a long time ago if that were the case).

As for picking the right person, well, that's just as difficult in the BDSM world as in the vanilla one. How would you keep yourself safe if you were dating? Maybe having the first date in a public place? Getting to know each other well before making any commitments? Safe sex? The difference here is that the sex you are potentially having might include bondage or pain (assuming that you are interested in kink as well as power exchange), and so 'safe sex' means not only trusting him to wear a johnny, but also trusting him to respect your limits.

90% of this is the same as a vanilla relationship. Just as you would with any guy you were dating, make sure he treats you with respect and that you actually like who he is as a person (and not just that you lust after some kinky playtime). Get to know each other, talk a LOT, listen to each other's needs and worries, and understand that since you are new to each other and this whole scene, not everything will go as you imagined it. Find a guy who understands that you are yet to work out your limits and desires and is willing to work with you, and not push you or hold you to unrealistic standards. Remember that up until you agree to submit, you have every bit as much power as he does, and you absolutely should use it to say 'I don't like the way you're treating me', 'that isn't going to work for me' and 'I'm sorry but I don't think we want the same things'.

Oh, and be honest with yourself. If you know you want monogamy and he's telling you that he has two other subs, step back and ask yourself if this is really something you can be happy with. Relationships are compromise, but we all have things that we can't compromise on without making ourselves miserable. If you can't find a compromise that leaves you both satisfied, walk away.



TNDommeK -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 1:07:46 AM)

Don't be afraid to make sacrifices once you know its right.
I've seen a lot of people not find happiness because of distance or because they didn't give things a real chance.
Limits are one thing, I'm speaking in general.
And most important thing of all....HONEST COMMUNICATION.



Greta75 -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 1:31:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SaintEccentric
I'm new but I know this is what I want. On my search to find a master I am afraid I will pick the wrong one or get trained improperly. and advice?

If he makes you happy and content, then his the one.
What he does to do that is subjective since different things make different subs happy and contented.



angelikaJ -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 4:44:57 AM)

My advice, for what it is worth, is to take your time.

If he makes your heart race (or your naughty bits wet), ask yourself: "Do I like this man?"
Because too often the answer to that question is he makes my heart race, but frequently he is an ass to me, and unhappiness follows as one figures out the cause of their cognitive dissonance.

Figure out what your needs are:
Do you require someone who will patiently explain things to you or just tell you what they want once and leave you to do it.
Is a sense of humor important to you?
Someone who places a great value on what you think and feel... or not?

What D/s, BDSM and sexual activities do you want ?
If you love to be spanked but don't care much for other pain then being with a sadist may not work for you... unless despite your not liking pain, pleasing him by receiving it, fills you with delight and other happy feelings.

What skills do you have and what are you willing to learn?


And remember, if someone is considering you, you are also considering them and evaluating his trustworthiness and overall compatibility.


This is not a one size fits all world - with you having to do all the fitting.
Take your time and find someone who is compatible for you, and enjoy the journey of that.
[:)]




ChatteParfaitt -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 5:12:46 AM)

You've gotten some great advice, re-read it (please) and take it seriously.

And welcome to the discussion side of CM. The members here have tons of knowledge and experience. Use us.



muhly22222 -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 5:15:11 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

I'm going to echo the others as well. Before you discovered this was what you wanted, did you worry about picking the "wrong" vanilla guy to date?

I will give you a suggestion though that will help you avoid some (a very small some, but every little bit helps) of the "wrong" guys. Rewrite your profile, and take out anything that refers to you being new to this. That is like the smell of blood to a vampire. Write a profile describing your vanilla self, what you hope to find in a man, and what you plan to bring to the relationship. NOTHING about being new. Since your OP title was how to "safely" pick a dominant, that is a safety tip. Don't look like a lamb waiting for the lions to slaughter.

Other than that, good luck, and welcome. Oh, and let me be the first to say, attend a local munch and meet some real people.


I'm going to echo the echo.

For you, a profile re-write would be HUGE. I'm a dominant guy, in your general age range (and I'd like to think a pretty good one to get to know), and I'd be unlikely to send a message to you because of your profile right now. There's nothing for me to respond to or ask you about...or at least nothing that isn't related to BDSM and/or D/s. There's nothing that says anything about you.

Think of it like this. You've gotten tons of messages, I'm sure. And I'm sure you haven't replied to all of them. On the boards, people always say "no reply is a reply," because it means that the recipient of the message isn't interested. Well, when I see a profile that doesn't say anything about the person who wrote it, I believe that it does say something about the person who wrote it, if you catch my drift.



DOM68005 -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 5:49:37 AM)

you wrote "I am new to ts,". To me that means a guy becoming a gal. I have no interest in such a person. Somebody may. If that is you, then so be it and good luck.
I would change the primary photo. The eyes looking away are a turnoff. The hand positions do not help either.

Now IF I were to persue you, I would write something to verify you are you and mean what you wrote. After a short period of such exchanges, telephone conversations would follow. I would experiment with your obedience by giving you orders over the telephone that you could do while on the phone. I'm not into phone sex, but I can not be driving halfway across the country to meet someone who does not obey simple things. I would teach you "Safe Call" procedures. IF I were to agree to meet you, it would be a public place like Denny's. IF I liked what I see, you would be given a choice to go to a hotel or go home. A smart gal would go home and think about it. That choice is a kind of test to see how "easy" you are.
IF you chose the hotel, you would be expected to strip and show me the merchandise. I would gage how comfortable you become spending time nude with a stranger. Depending on how things go, it may be a vanilla night or mild bondage ... D/s activity. A Safeword would be taught.

Know this. In practice, a submissive is entitled to all I have described. A slave declares total trust and obedience to the DOM or Master she is without limits. NO female should be a slave until they have experienced submissive status for a while. Therefore, if you have safety concerns, change your status to female submissive for now.




AthenaSurrenders -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 6:27:23 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DOM68005

you wrote "I am new to ts,". To me that means a guy becoming a gal. I have no interest in such a person. Somebody may. If that is you, then so be it and good luck.
I would change the primary photo. The eyes looking away are a turnoff. The hand positions do not help either.

Now IF I were to persue you, I would write something to verify you are you and mean what you wrote. After a short period of such exchanges, telephone conversations would follow. I would experiment with your obedience by giving you orders over the telephone that you could do while on the phone. I'm not into phone sex, but I can not be driving halfway across the country to meet someone who does not obey simple things. I would teach you "Safe Call" procedures. IF I were to agree to meet you, it would be a public place like Denny's. IF I liked what I see, you would be given a choice to go to a hotel or go home. A smart gal would go home and think about it. That choice is a kind of test to see how "easy" you are.
IF you chose the hotel, you would be expected to strip and show me the merchandise. I would gage how comfortable you become spending time nude with a stranger. Depending on how things go, it may be a vanilla night or mild bondage ... D/s activity. A Safeword would be taught.

Know this. In practice, a submissive is entitled to all I have described. A slave declares total trust and obedience to the DOM or Master she is without limits. NO female should be a slave until they have experienced submissive status for a while. Therefore, if you have safety concerns, change your status to female submissive for now.




For the record, this wouldn't be OK with me. I'm not into 'testing' me to see how 'easy' I am (a very unpleasant term which implies that a woman is somehow less if she is open to sex early in the relationship, even though you're apparently up for it). I also wouldn't be obeying orders, even simple, non-sexual ones, before we had met because in my opinion this muddies the waters if you meet and don't like the dom - you've already submitted. I would be uncomfortable with this whole situation and someone assuming control and dominance before we had met would not make me feel safe at all.

Anyway, I don't say this to criticise DOM68005, but rather to make a point to you, OP. One person's preferred method of starting a relationship isn't for everyone. I know from this post that me and DOM68005 would not be compatible partners. That doesn't mean one of us is wrong. It does mean that you need to figure out for yourself what you are looking for and what you consider acceptable levels of safety.



DarkSteven -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 6:45:55 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DOM68005

you wrote "I am new to ts,". To me that means a guy becoming a gal. I have no interest in such a person. Somebody may. If that is you, then so be it and good luck.
I would change the primary photo. The eyes looking away are a turnoff. The hand positions do not help either.

Now IF I were to persue you, I would write something to verify you are you and mean what you wrote. After a short period of such exchanges, telephone conversations would follow. I would experiment with your obedience by giving you orders over the telephone that you could do while on the phone. I'm not into phone sex, but I can not be driving halfway across the country to meet someone who does not obey simple things. I would teach you "Safe Call" procedures. IF I were to agree to meet you, it would be a public place like Denny's. IF I liked what I see, you would be given a choice to go to a hotel or go home. A smart gal would go home and think about it. That choice is a kind of test to see how "easy" you are.
IF you chose the hotel, you would be expected to strip and show me the merchandise. I would gage how comfortable you become spending time nude with a stranger. Depending on how things go, it may be a vanilla night or mild bondage ... D/s activity. A Safeword would be taught.

Know this. In practice, a submissive is entitled to all I have described. A slave declares total trust and obedience to the DOM or Master she is without limits. NO female should be a slave until they have experienced submissive status for a while. Therefore, if you have safety concerns, change your status to female submissive for now.



1. I noticed as well that she used "ts". I realized that she intended "this" by it.
2. The photo - it is a bit odd, but it clearly shows that it's not one of the boudoir shots that scammers use. It doesn't look sexy, but it does show what she looks like, and that she has a playful nature.
3. I would write something to verify you are you and mean what you wrote. I wouldn't be surprised if, being new, she changed between the time she wrote her profile and the time I were to contact her. Plus, some people write in such a way that my interpretation doesn't jibe with theirs.
4. I would experiment with your obedience by giving you orders over the telephone that you could do while on the phone. I'm not into phone sex, but I can not be driving halfway across the country to meet someone who does not obey simple things. I might play with her, giving her playful, nonsexual orders just to see what happened. But that would have to be done very delicately because she has no obligation to obey. I might well do that just to see how she feels when given a command, but not to demand obedience.
5. I would teach you "Safe Call" procedures. IF I were to agree to meet you, it would be a public place like Denny's. I agree completely.
6. IF I liked what I see, you would be given a choice to go to a hotel or go home. A smart gal would go home and think about it. That choice is a kind of test to see how "easy" you are. Good God, no. I would have several objectives in a first meeting, and one would be to make her feel safe with me and not pressured.
7. IF you chose the hotel, you would be expected to strip and show me the merchandise. I would gage how comfortable you become spending time nude with a stranger. Depending on how things go, it may be a vanilla night or mild bondage ... D/s activity. A Safeword would be taught. Absolutely not. I would be concerned with being considered a predator. It wouldn't take many instances of getting a raw newbie to a hotel room and getting my rocks off before my name would be mud.
8. Know this. In practice, a submissive is entitled to all I have described. A slave declares total trust and obedience to the DOM or Master she is without limits. NO female should be a slave until they have experienced submissive status for a while. Therefore, if you have safety concerns, change your status to female submissive for now. DOM68005, you have given your opinion. While I value it, it should not be presented as fact.

SaintEccentric, please note that different Doms have different styles. DOM68005's style is different enough from mine that I suspect that any woman comfortable with his style would be incompatible with mine, and vice versa.



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 7:14:49 AM)

FR~

After reading this thread, I am also in agreement with AS and DS.
DOM68005's approach is not the way I would do things either.

I think his style (if you want to call it that) is waay too heavy-handed and demanding in a situation where no dynamic has yet been established.
As with DS, anyone liking this approach would certainly not be compatible with me/us either.

I think there's been enough of differing opinions that OP can hopefully see that it is definitely not a one-size-fits-all scenario.

My advice would be to remove the references to being new and don't throw common sense out the window.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 7:34:08 AM)

How to pick a good dom.

Shop local but don't be afraid to try the more exotic dominants out.

Use your (good) sense(s) to pick a good dominant. The smell, touch and look of the Dominant are all important in determining whether you get ripe, delicious domlie goodness or sour, unripe or bland blahdom.

Search for the Dominant you want until you have found it. The less popular dominants may not be in season which can mean that they may not be online at that time.

Check if the color is what it's supposed to be. For example, don't take a service top if you want a Master.

Look for ex slaves with bruises and spots that indicate the slave has been roughly handled and damaged.

Try the sample and taste approach, until you find one that makes your palate sing.

In other words, no real clue but I CAN pick some deliciously ripe fruit out now, since that's what I used to make this silly list.

WinD




OsideGirl -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 8:32:42 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DOM68005

Now IF I were to persue you, I would write something to verify you are you and mean what you wrote.
At which point, I would have walked away. I'm not interested in starting off an interaction with the assumption that I'm fake and need to prove otherwise. It's a conversation, not a marriage proposal.

quote:

After a short period of such exchanges, telephone conversations would follow. I would experiment with your obedience by giving you orders over the telephone that you could do while on the phone.
I do not believe in submitting to someone that I haven't met or that I have not agreed to be in a power dynamic with. I would view that attempt as amazingly inappropriate.

quote:

I'm not into phone sex, but I can not be driving halfway across the country to meet someone who does not obey simple things.
Because God forbid, you should just meet someone to see if you like them, rather than having the expectations of immediate obedience and Insta-Domness.

quote:

IF I were to agree to meet you, it would be a public place like Denny's. IF I liked what I see, you would be given a choice to go to a hotel or go home.
IF I were to agree to meet you, it would have been for coffee, so that I'm not faced with the possibility of having to spend an entire meal with someone I don't like. In my view, a good man wouldn't even suggest going to a hotel after an initial meeting.

quote:

A smart gal would go home and think about it. That choice is a kind of test to see how "easy" you are.
What a coincidence, I used guys asking for sex after the first meeting to see if he was an ass. "Tests" are passive aggressive behavior and no way to start off a relationship.



quote:

IF you chose the hotel, you would be expected to strip and show me the merchandise. I would gage how comfortable you become spending time nude with a stranger. Depending on how things go, it may be a vanilla night or mild bondage ... D/s activity. A Safeword would be taught.
I'll urge every women on these forums, allowing a stranger to tie you up is bad practice. You are literally putting your life into the hands of a stranger.

quote:

A slave declares total trust and obedience to the DOM or Master
Maybe, but it's not immediate. Trust is earned and it's not like throwing a switch.

quote:

she is without limits.
Bullshit. Everyone has limits. Just because my limits coincide with his, doesn't mean that they don't exist.

quote:

NO female should be a slave until they have experienced submissive status for a while.
I somewhat agree with that, but in my view it's "until you have enough experience to make the decision".

quote:

Therefore, if you have safety concerns, change your status to female submissive for now.
Mind boggling. Someone that classifies themselves as a slave has the same right to safety and to make sure that she is safe.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 8:39:07 AM)

~FRing it~

I think that DOM68005's post illustrates a great point...NO two dominants are the same way and his way is definitely not the way of all dominants. It sure as hell isn't my way either, but to each their own.

OP, this should show you that there is no universal training standard for submissives. If you want my honest opinion, I think the term "training" is largely bullshit. I can show you the way I like things done, but the way I like will probably be different from someone else's way. There is no "one true way" when it comes to BDSM. There is your way and the mutual way you find with someone else.

Trust your gut. Think with your head, not your genitals. And most of all, don't stress about stuff like "proper training." Know who you are and what motivates you. Focus less on the label a person gives him/herself and more on whether the actions of the person matches the words they are saying.

Good luck and welcome



TieMeInKnottss -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 9:23:41 AM)

First...congratulations on identifying what you are interested in...it is a hard thing to come to terms with &, according to your profile, you are new TS. I also live in MD and there is an excellent educational society BESS (they have a website & are a group on fetlife). I highly suggest attending some meetings and educational lectures to get acclimated to things... The point about your profile is correct & also, there are many "sharks" who troll around looking for "new & inexperienced" because they can pull stuff over on you. Another good reason to join BESS so you can meet some experienced people to guide you.

I don't know how much experience you have dating as a TS & I am sure that can be a whole other problem but hopefully someone will give you some advice on that. A good Dom, in my opinion, for someone NEW is willing to go at YOUR pace..not push stuff too hard or too fast, will make allowances for your inexperience, is willing to explain things initially BUT at the same time, he must still be able to hold that line. I was VERY fortunate..I met my first Dom within a few weeks of joining here & just sheer luck...I got someone like I just described... To this day, I am grateful and relieved because he prevented me from getting in over my head!



DesFIP -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 10:29:18 AM)

And 68005 might wish to consider that his approach is why he still hasn't found someone. Whereas Steven, who is concerned not with getting his rocks off first thing but with her comfort level, has.

Anybody who said he wants to first find out how 'easy' I was, isn't someone I could ever respect or have anything but contempt for.



AngelicScorpio -> RE: how to safely pick a dom? (5/28/2013 10:39:47 AM)

Some great advice here. I'm not the OP (clearly), but this was great to read as someone new to the scene.



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