RE: BDSM and Mental Health

RE: BDSM and Mental Health (Full Version)

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theshytype -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/30/2013 6:57:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 Well, the thing is. I do like being called slut/whore/cum bucket, all these things in play. It excites me. But the reason why I could enjoy them is because I don't believe in them or feel any truth in them. So it doesn't hurt me and it's fun. But I couldn't deal with words that involve "fat" in it, as I struggle with weight issues and that would end play right there if any of those were mentioned. Different words have different effects on me. I don't consider myself to enjoy humiliation, and I don't have self-hate issues. I do, also, like to be called those things (usually fucking dirty whore) - they totally excite me. My thinking is 'oh, you think I'm a dirty little slut? Well, watch this...' I also don't mind being laughed at - I like making others laugh, even if it is at my expense. If I were called fat or stupid, those would get to me a bit. I don't consider myself either of those but would start to put the thought in my head, wondering if that's how he truly felt.

Greta75 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/30/2013 7:25:26 PM)
quote: Different words have different effects on me. I don't consider myself to enjoy humiliation, and I don't have self-hate issues. I do, also, like to be called those things (usually fucking dirty whore) - they totally excite me. My thinking is 'oh, you think I'm a dirty little slut? Well, watch this...' I also don't mind being laughed at - I like making others laugh, even if it is at my expense. If I were called fat or stupid, those would get to me a bit. I don't consider myself either of those but would start to put the thought in my head, wondering if that's how he truly felt. Yea, same here, I mean, I'm 140lbs, 5' 4, not skinny, considered 30lbs overweight for a Chinese, as normal acceptable weight is 110lbs. There are some women who are really on the huge end of the spectrum that actually enjoys being humiliated about their weight, and gets turn on by being called "fat pig" and things like that, just like some men sub with very small dicks enjoy being humiliated about their size. Now..., that I find amazing, and I don't know how they can take it. I would be in tears.

Charles6682 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/30/2013 8:02:54 PM)
I never could understand why some guys like small penis humiliation.I get the idea but some people take it too serious. How can someone be at fault for something they were born with? Clearly size does seem to matter to a lot of people. However,just because someone doesn't exactly have the largest penis, does not make them inferior in anyway. Another stereotype that's full of B.S.

Greta75 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/31/2013 2:33:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Charles6682 I never could understand why some guys like small penis humiliation.I get the idea but some people take it too serious. How can someone be at fault for something they were born with? Clearly size does seem to matter to a lot of people. However,just because someone doesn't exactly have the largest penis, does not make them inferior in anyway. Another stereotype that's full of B.S. I think in fetlife, there are like groups that specialise in this, men post their micro penis, and I mean..., it's not like below average small, it's like, little pinky finger small, I didn't even know such exist and invite people to insult them. And they claim to love it. Technically at that size, I think any penetration is impossible, it would never feel "tight". So what else can they do for sex and pleasure?

Charles6682 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/31/2013 4:55:26 AM)
I've seen those groups on Fetlife before. I'm not exactly the "largest" myself and I have been able to find many ways to "play",without me having to resort to small penis humiliation. Not my thing. I can understand it as part of a humiliation session to a degree but beyond that, its certainly not something I spend my entire kink life focusing on.It just reinforces that men with small penis's are,well,I'm not even going to get into the jokes. But hey,these guys seem to love it,I guess.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/31/2013 6:27:44 AM)
Using FR: I agree with Oside and Kiwi, self hate is so destructive to the psyche that a good therapist is in order. I also agree that not everyone who enjoys pain a/o humiliation does so out of self hate. For me, enjoying these things has more to do with overcoming my earlier self hatred, and knowing certain 'bad words' can't possibly harm me any more. Greta, I am so sorry to learn about how your mother treated you. And I agree with Red, you make marvelous contributions to this forum. Are still in contact with your mother? If so, I strongly suggest you cut all ties with her. Toxic family can kill you.

Greta75 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/31/2013 7:34:08 AM)
quote: Are still in contact with your mother? If so, I strongly suggest you cut all ties with her. Toxic family can kill you. Tried to cut ties with her, but hate it that my dad boycotts me if I boycott her. Like if I ask my dad out for dinner or coffee or whatever, he won't come, unless I invite my mom along as well. My dad always tell me she doesn't mean what she says, but she keeps saying it, and is always vindictive towards me, she even went to my x-dom when she heard the possibility of us planning marriage and told him that I'd be a terrible wife and future mother to his children, and basically talk shitloads of smack about me, my x-dom was so shaken by it, he said what's wrong with you that your mom hate you so much. It's still an on-going thing for me. My youngest brother whom I am close to is still a student, his alot younger than me and living with them, so it's hard to completely cut ties. I'm still working on simply not letting her words get to me. As my best girlfriend tell me, just imagine she's mentally ill.

theshytype -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/31/2013 12:51:01 PM)
Wow, Greta, that's awful! I often picture my own mother as having a mental illness and she hasn't pulled half the crap yours has - not even close! As for the tears from certain names, I'm right there with you! Who knows, maybe even balled up in the corner, too. Those that can stand it and love it, they do amaze me.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (6/1/2013 5:45:46 AM)
You have toxic family, please take steps to set boundaries with them. Breaking away is one of the hardest things in the world to do. I know, been there, done that. I have told my mother: 'If you continue this line of conversation, I will leave.' Then I had to back it up by leaving when she wouldn't stop. Now I don't have to leave, she knows I mean it. You absolutely have to be willing to cut someone out of your life if they can't accept your boundaries. You need to see your father is as toxic as your mother, b/c he supports her in her BS. He should be getting her help, insisting she get help, not supporting her toxic emotional crap. Please ponder this, and please know I'm not criticizing you, and that I wish you the best.

Greta75 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (6/1/2013 5:51:13 AM)
quote: You need to see your father is as toxic as your mother, b/c he supports her in her BS. He should be getting her help, insisting she get help, not supporting her toxic emotional crap. Please ponder this, and please know I'm not criticizing you, and that I wish you the best. I know you're saying this out of genuine concern. I do have issues, and I always felt a lack of love from both parents since a child, so I am still struggling with trying to connect with my dad, since he has mellowed so much now since his younger days, I still got little girl yearnings for affection from him. Sometimes even if you logically know what is best, but the doing is another story. My mom is not toxic only to me, but also to my dad, another long story which will just derail this thread, but I have great admiration for my dad on how much he loves my mom and have stuck by her through things, no man on earth would stick with a woman, after all that she has done.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (6/1/2013 6:01:58 AM)
You know the situation far better than I. It appears your father expects you to forgive your mother. And she has done some things I would find hard to forgive. Not to mention, it's not clear to me that she even wants forgiveness. That she even knows what damage she has done. Perhaps a long talk with your Dad is in order, letting him know where you are and what you are struggling with. Then set some boundaries with your mother, and stick to them. Is that going to be easy? Oh hell no. But this woman, who should have loved you, who should have emotionally nurtured you, used you as an emotional whipping post. And that's not alright. What does your father think about that? B/c 'she didn't mean it' doesn't cut it for me. I really hope you find the strength to deal with this. A good therapist could help. Again, I am not trying to hurt you, but to help you, though I do realize I should stop trying to be your counselor, I'm not really qualified.

Charles6682 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (6/1/2013 12:01:42 PM)
I do agree about toxic family members. If I want to surround myself around positive people and weed out the negative, that's a real good start for me.

njlauren -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (6/1/2013 1:01:48 PM)
Greta, if there is anything you do, please, please find a therapist to work on setting healthy boundaries with your parents. I know how hard it is, I don't want to go into the details on here, but I needed to do it with my family of origin, and with my sweetie's parents, well, let's just say that Mr. and Mrs Darth Vader would be better parents. The problem with Toxic families is they get their hooks into us, and it is god aweful, because they do horrible things to us,intentionally or not, but kids are wired to excuse away what happened to them, because we are wired to see parents as this needed protection and so forth, and it goes on well into adulthood. It doesn't help that culturally (the old "blood is thicker then water" bullshit), or the religious (the local fuck off representative of Rome telling my sweetie, as a kind, when she told him that her father was physically and emotionally abusing she and her mom, told her she needed to pray for him because he was head of the household, put there by God..fuckhead is probably a bishop by now) we are told parents and family are absolute.and they aren't, they are just people in the end, and would you allow a friend or lover to treat you like that? Any therapist worth their salt, other then some stupid Christian counselor, would be working with you on that... And yes, I have had to face tough decisions, I was too closely linked to my family of origin, and at a particularly rough time, with a young baby, a lot of stuff flying around, I had to tell my father he wasn't welcome to stay with us, because he was abusive towards my sweetie, and I had the choice of either accomodating him and my stupid family or making a stand for my own little family..it hurt, it was painful, I was almost totally paralyzed, but I did it..and want to know something? It looks so hard there, when on the other side, but I came out of it, a better person, and my son has grown up to be a wonderful young man without the bullshit I grew up with......It hasn't always been easy, my siblings pretty much ostracized me, but in the end I have ended up with a much better life, and i see what my son is, and well, I am crying as a write this. I am not saying it is easy, but you or no one else deserves that kind of abuse from anyone, let alone a parent. Your mom is either mentally ill or a completely evil person, but whatever it is, she owns it, and sadly your dad is enabling her, he is basically blackmailing you into being her whipping person. I don't know you or your parents, but if your mom is like that with you, she probably is equally bad with him, and I kind of wonder about whether he stays with her out of love or out of something else..but it doesn't matter, you own it. I realize you love your dad, but if he doesnt' want to see you without your mom being there, then don't meet. I understand it will hurt, but you are simply enabling his toxic relationship (I would bet probably a thousand bucks I could ill afford to lose, that your dad won't meet with you out of fear your mom will find out and make his life even more miserable....). I also would bet you that if he loves you, that if you set that boundary, he would cave in, and if not, you still are protecting yourself. I realize this had nothing to do with BD/SM , but in reality your real issue is the horrendous parents and what they have done to you. Personally I despise mental health practitioners who basically excuse people like your mom as being mentally ill, not responsible, and so forth, that is a load of bullshit, I went through that with my mother in law, and quite frankly, it is crap, because people have strong instincts as parents, something I found when I became one, and there is simply no excuse for it, and there should never, ever be an attempt to explain it away like that, it should be called what it is, something evil and wrong (my personal take? Parent does that to their kids, they should be lined up against a wall somewhere and shot, they are as guilty as anyone at Nuremberg was in my book, kids are the most precious thing we have, and parents who screw that up have lost their humanity IMO..and yes I am harsh, but I have lived with the consequences of it and seen worse with others...). Anyway, please, please find a therapist, to work on this. It could be that if a therapist helps you work through the issues with your parents that you find the BD/SM stuff goes by the wayside, or it may not, but that isn't important, getting yourself into a healthy place and protecting yourself from the psycho bitch from hell is:). I will make the offer, if it would help, PM me, but that is up to you, just offering (and I have no ulterior motives, other than to try and help....).....again, up to you, I wish you well.

Charles6682 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (6/1/2013 1:39:37 PM)
People who blame their mental illness or people who excuse abusive behaviors because they have a mental disorder, are apart of the problem and certainly not a apart of the solution. I remember seeing this one therapist(who was anti-kink). I didn't realize she was anti-kink until I mentioned it. Anyways,she was trying to tell me that because I had fetishes,we had to talk about that. Her "solution" to my "problem" was to think to myself, well, since not everyone in society doesn't approve kink, that I should use that "rationale" to help "cure" my "problems". What a bunch of horseshit that was.If you seek a therapist,find one who is accepting of who YOU are. Therapist like that Lady are just as toxic as anything. Yet,these are suppose to be "professionals" in mental health? HA After I saw that whack job of a therapist, I thought maybe there was something wrong with me.After all,she's a therapist who went to school for this. Who am I to judge her experience? Luckily,I had a good friend who has a degree in Psychology,told me to just disregard all that worthless advice. She sat me down and we talked for awhile. She was basically my therapist really,except it didn't cost me an arm and a leg. After talking with her over the course of a few months, I really started to feel comfortable with who I am.It worked.

descrite -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (6/3/2013 2:46:33 AM)
Greta, please listen to CP: your dad is not helping, and you're not helping your dad by maintaining a poisonous relationship with your mom. When I first cut ties with my mother, my family punished me for it, and many cut ties with me. It was extremely hard to endure, because I love them all (even her, no matter how destructive she is). A dozen years later, many of them have come to see my perspective, and have also cut ties with her. I do not promise this will occur with your family/father....but I do promise that severing your connection to that woman will be of great benefit to you. Alllll of that said...as far as OP goes...masochism is a way of enjoying sensation. Some people like footrubs. Some like roller coasters. Some foreign objects jammed into their urethras. Those who don't enjoy the same things have often criminalized or pathologized those preferences (I recommend ignoring therapists, or anyone referring to your interests as "disorders"-- not too long ago, the DSM listed homosexuality as a disorder...and drinking too much coffee....and not drinking coffee...when they issue a shrink degree, they might well include a Ouija board and call it like it is). Enjoy what you like, as long as it is all consensual.

Greta75 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (6/3/2013 4:15:46 AM)
I don't think my dad will ever severe ties with my mom, because he always felt that she's been very sexually faithful to him and he treasured that about her. Also, he believes my mom will stick by him through thick and thin no matter what, which is kinda true too. My mom doesn't hate my dad, she does love him and she is not the same monster with my brothers, just me. She just hates me. I am very close to the brother who lives with them. Even if I ignore my dad, I could never cut things with my bro. And his a good bro, always defending me against my mom and tell her off. Just that, his still young and haven't finished school.

descrite -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (6/3/2013 1:55:00 PM)
So don't cut ties with your dad...in so far as he will not cut ties with you. If he tries to blackmail you by not seeing you unless she accompanies him-- that's his choice, and he is choosing not to see you. You have to be strong enough to avoid her...and if he chooses to avoid you, so be it.

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