How to be the man you want to be

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SomethingCatchy -> How to be the man you want to be (6/1/2013 11:57:10 PM)
JeffBC said quote: For me personally, I find if I worry about being trustworthy and respectable than the whole dominant thing sorts itself out neatly. How does a person worry about being trustworthy and respectable, in your opinion? How does a man work at being the man he wants to be? What kind of qualities should a man possess in order to be able to be that person? And finally - when a man feels he is being trustworthy and respectable (or non specifically - the man he wants to be) how does it naturally flow into his ability to be dominant, in your opinion? What kind of qualities should a dominant possess in order to continue his ability to be what he aspires to be? If more than one question has the same answer or you think to yourself 'it's the same damn thing' - why? Explain please.

RemoteUser -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 12:05:53 AM)
If you think too much about how others perceive your presence, it may lead to second guessing. A man becomes the person he wants to be by determining what he wants, and doing what he needs to be that. Qualities are relative, trying to define a core list is probably futile and, more importantly, that type of thinking lends itself to the issue at hand in the first place. A person that doesn't believe in themselves is not going to lead well, and that's what dominants do. The qualities question crops up twice, that's probably going to encompass a duplicate answer; it does for me. Side note for edification: these statements can be applied to people, gender aside. You're discussing mindset, and that doesn't change because of gender. Personality type would be more accurate, and those are not gender-confined. Edited for an addendum that does not require a separate post: everyone worries, at some point, about one thing or another. How you cope with worry defines your relationship to the source of your worry. It applies directly to dominance in this case because leadership, while a specific skill in its own right, is largely impacted by coping mechanisms that in turn affect critical thinking, observation, decision making and overall judgement. One thing lends to the other.

BigbadBob1 -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 1:40:08 AM)
I'm going to start with "In My Humble Opinion" IMHO there are several facets to being trustworthy. 1) A person worries about being trustworthy by living up to what you say. For instance if you tell another you will be at a place at a certain time, then you show up at that time and place. The more reliable you become the more trustworthy you are. 2) Honesty. You prove you can be trustworthy in small ways. Such as not stealing when given the chance or returning excessive change to a cashier. The more you work at not taking advantage of anyone the more trustworthy you are. Ok onto respectable. Being respectable requires that you do not stand out. You adhere to the values society has deemed to be within its accepted bounds. Becoming what you want to be. This is a fun one. You become what you want to be by defining the values that make up what you want to be and then striving to attain them. I will take this one step further. Its not just striving to attain a value its pretending that you have it. For example and I am quoting a Vin Diesel movie character. He decides that being a tough guy means that he has to have 500 fights. He starts down this road and as he accumulates his fight tally he learns things that make him tough. Like a broken nose hurts but does not effect you otherwise, or what your skin feels like after being dragged through gravel. As to what qualities a man should possess, well that is entirely up to you. You have to define what you think makes up the person you want to be and then pretend you have those qualities. The more you pretend to have certain qualities the more you will actually have them. How does that flow into making you a dominate? Well Just pretend that it does.

SomethingCatchy -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 4:27:44 AM)
Fake it 'til you make it is something I've always believed in. Excellent posts and good food for thought.

Missokyst -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 8:51:24 AM)
Hmm Ok... I am not male and not a master, but I am trustworthy. If I say I am going to do something I do it. I am not male or dominant yet I am a respectable human being.. and submissive. I don't worry about being trustworthy or respectable. That worked itself out nicely because I decided not to be "bad", even though I could have chosen that path. I could have followed the direction of my molester or my rapist, I might have chosen to do drugs or become an alcoholic because there were a few examples in my life. I could have been a liar or a thief because I have the ability to detach and I was one hell of an actress. Instead I chose to be decent, trustworthy and respectable. I am not dominant, a master, or a male, nor have I ever aspired to become one. My only aspiration is to be someone with a skin that fits. Submissive, female and a host of other things that makes me human. It has nothing to do with rank, title or sex. quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy JeffBC said quote: For me personally, I find if I worry about being trustworthy and respectable than the whole dominant thing sorts itself out neatly. How does a person worry about being trustworthy and respectable, in your opinion? How does a man work at being the man he wants to be? What kind of qualities should a man possess in order to be able to be that person? And finally - when a man feels he is being trustworthy and respectable (or non specifically - the man he wants to be) how does it naturally flow into his ability to be dominant, in your opinion? What kind of qualities should a dominant possess in order to continue his ability to be what he aspires to be? If more than one question has the same answer or you think to yourself 'it's the same damn thing' - why? Explain please.

Darkfeather -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 9:34:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy How does a person worry about being trustworthy and respectable, in your opinion? How does a man work at being the man he wants to be? What kind of qualities should a man possess in order to be able to be that person? And finally - when a man feels he is being trustworthy and respectable (or non specifically - the man he wants to be) how does it naturally flow into his ability to be dominant, in your opinion? What kind of qualities should a dominant possess in order to continue his ability to be what he aspires to be? If more than one question has the same answer or you think to yourself 'it's the same damn thing' - why? Explain please. You know, I have never worried about things like that. I have just been the person I am, nothing more, nothing less. Worrying about it implies doubt in who you are, or where you are going. I was brought up correctly, so have the correct sense of right and wrong. Socially, I am more of the honor based, take you at your word type. As to how this flows into my dominance? That would be best answered by those who submit to me, as they are the ones who perceive the qualities in question without my own bias.

JeffBC -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 9:35:33 AM)
How does a person worry about being trustworthy and respectable? Uh... by rewarding people who trust you and by generally being a good guy in the eyes of those judging you as "respectable"? I don't really understand how this can be a question. The judgement going on is in other's eyes. You're going to need to measure up to whatever their bar(s) are. How does it naturally flow into his ability to be dominant, in your opinion? In my opinion it doesn't. Carol is arguably a better human than myself but that doesn't automatically make her dominant. But for me personally, I find "feeling good about myself" critical to my dominance for two reasons. First, when I start looking at myself in the mirror and asking "by what right?" the whole house of cards comes tumbling down since I, of course, don't have any "right" to boss other people around (as remoteuser said). Secondly, if Carol feels good about me then she is much less likely to resist. Think on it. Who resists the commands of a person they readily credit as being in a leadership slot and deserving to be there? So for me it's just a pragmatic "ounce of prevention being worth a pound of cure" sort of thing. Finally, I suspect, like Carol I have a fish in water problem when it comes to dominance so I just don't spend much time worrying about that. In short, for me those "good guy" things don't make dominance happen but they are key enabling tools. For me, being "good" is not automatic or easy or natural. For me, those things take a lot of effort and focus and soul searching. That's why I worry about them... a lot. What kind of qualities should a dominant possess in order to continue his ability to be what he aspires to be? Whatever qualities are contained in that which he aspires to be. Ideally, however, the person should be realistic about both the qualities aspired to and his or her actual score at the moment. For instance, right now in our life I'm not exactly "cutting a swath of dynamic leadership". I'd be giving myself a C grade right now and I surely am not interested in taking on another slave on that basis alone. My judgement about myself is not exactly harsh but it is unforgiving.

sexyred1 -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 9:41:47 AM)
If someone has to worry about being trustworthy and respectable, then they are not. You either are or you are not. If someone has to try, they would not be worthy of my friendship, let alone be involved with me as a Dom.

SimplyMichael -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 9:52:23 AM)
The only opinion that really should matter IS your own. If you worry what others think you cant be trustwortht. Of course you need to have integrity so your goals are goid. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do your best to follow through. When tou cant, own up and do your best to make ammends. If you keep having to.make amends, step up and look at yourself to fifutre out what you are doing wrong and stop.making promises you cant fullfill antil you xan. Easy to say Hard to do.

Arturas -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 10:10:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy JeffBC said quote: For me personally, I find if I worry about being trustworthy and respectable than the whole dominant thing sorts itself out neatly. How does a person worry about being trustworthy and respectable, in your opinion? How does a man work at being the man he wants to be? What kind of qualities should a man possess in order to be able to be that person? And finally - when a man feels he is being trustworthy and respectable (or non specifically - the man he wants to be) how does it naturally flow into his ability to be dominant, in your opinion? What kind of qualities should a dominant possess in order to continue his ability to be what he aspires to be? If more than one question has the same answer or you think to yourself 'it's the same damn thing' - why? Explain please. There is always a war between the id and the flesh or the soul and the body when a man decides to be trustworthy and respectable, to be wise. Here are the natural steps a man takes to win this war. 1) Recognizing this and the fact that you have been losing this battle is the first step. 2 )The second is recognizing further that you can in fact win because you can overpower natural urges that destroy you. 3) Winning that war with himself enables a man to control himself. 4) Controlling himself empowers him to control his world. 5) If his world includes what you describe he now has the wisdom to obtain that goal also.

Kana -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 10:14:10 AM)
Allrighty-you have a bunch of questions here so I'm going to split em up and answer em one at a time... quote: How does a person worry about being trustworthy and respectable, in your opinion? I don't. quote: How does a man work at being the man he wants to be? Easy question. Complex answer-one that most major religions and philosophies try to tackle. In other words, far beyond the range of a mere forum response. I'll give you a touch of my answer though. The primary focus of my day is to be the best person I can be at any given moment. To get there, I do a lot of work. I meditate daily,I read good stuff, I fill my head with positive things, I surround myself with positive people, engage in an ongoing process of self evaluation, check my behavior thoughts and actions on a regular basis. It's a lot to do with how I treat people, do I act or react, do I listen to really hear or to reply/rebut, am I considerate, open minded, do I demonstrate patience, am I judgmental, these sorta things. In other words, pretty much every day I wake up and think, "Man, I was an ass yesterday, I'm gonna try to do better today." And at the end o night, I'll look back at the day, see where I did well, take a peek at where I could have done better, and also see where I really went FUBAR, what I might need to set right manana. Been doing this since I was a teenager and there's yet to be a day where it's all pro and no con. I've always said the day I stop growing is the day I die. quote: What kind of qualities should a man possess in order to be able to be that person? In order to want to be a better man, a person needs the desire to change and grow, the courage to do so, the ability to put that wish into action and the discipline/wherewithal to stick to said decision. Oh yea, and patience, because that internal growth stuff, it don't come quick or easy. quote: And finally - when a man feels he is being trustworthy and respectable (or non specifically - the man he wants to be) how does it naturally flow into his ability to be dominant, in your opinion? How to put this properly, for me, and this is only for me, the man is not the dominant, the dominant is the man. quote: What kind of qualities should a dominant possess in order to continue his ability to be what he aspires to be? The desire to grow as a man and as a relationship partner. quote: If more than one question has the same answer or you think to yourself 'it's the same damn thing' - why? Explain please. To me, this all boils down to one word-integrity. Being a man worth serving. And that means humility-yeah, that's right-I said a dominant must be humble. They gotta be humble enough to recognize their need to grow, the fact that they don't know it all (Or even a little) and that humility has to be sufficient to spur the willingness to grow. Not as a dominant-that's just a by product, but as a man. And amazingly enough, as so often seems to happen in life, worthy men-yeah, they seem to attract submissive's like a light pulls moths. ETA-I wrote this a few years ago in another post but I think it applies here: Puts on his Prof hat for a moment. Integrity is derived from the word integer,the latin word for whole, a math term that is used to define a number that is complete in and of itself, a 1, 2, 3 as opposed to a fraction or negative. The actual word integrity was first used by jewelers and gem cutters, and was coined to describe a stone cut in such a fashion that no matter what angle it was viewed from it appeared the same, in other words, the stone was consistent. The word then shifted in use to describe people who are the same. Thus a person of integrity would be consistent in beliefs, actions, values,. morals, principles and methodology. Aaaaand, (Here's the kicker you knew was coming), a person who is not consistent, as in changes who and what they are depending on circumstances, situations, desired outcomes etc...lacks integrity and in fact has none because they are not whole, they are not cohesive, and they do not show the same face/actions to the world no matter what angled they are viewed from. We now return to the regularly scheduled program.

kiwisub12 -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 10:24:03 AM)
My late dom always said that a dom doesn't follow the rules of others - he makes his own - and if he has personal integrity, he can't go wrong. I'm thinking that you need to have great personal honesty, to be able to look at yourself and see where you need improvement. Its easy to see the mote in your neighbours eye, and very difficult to see the stake in your own - just the way its easy to tell someone else how to run their lives, or raise their kids, or any other number of issues that people love to give advice for. If you have the ability to see your own deficits you are half way to being a better person. Good luck.

Kirata -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 10:30:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy How does a person worry about being trustworthy and respectable, in your opinion? How does a man work at being the man he wants to be? What kind of qualities should a man possess in order to be able to be that person? Being trustworthy and "respectable" (in the sense of being worthy of respect) starts with yourself, not what anyone else thinks. And I would say that it starts with your word, saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Do you keep your word to yourself? Do you carry through on your word when you say you'll do something, even if you only said it to yourself and nobody knows? If you cannot even trust your own word, then you cannot respect yourself, and anyone who does has been fooled. See next: quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy Fake it 'til you make it is something I've always believed in. That will only fool some people, and not very many. I would suggest not being one of them. K.

SomethingCatchy -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 12:42:18 PM)
Fake it 'til you make it isn't about fooling anyone but yourself. (for me anyway) Were there's a will, there's a way, even if you know you it's difficult to accomplish the goal. Telling yourself you can is 'faking it' so that you keep giving yourself a confidence boost to get it done. Even more food for thought. Thank you all!

JeffBC -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 12:57:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kirata quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy Fake it 'til you make it is something I've always believed in. That will only fool some people, and not very many. I would suggest not being one of them. I disagree based upon my own life experience. I certainly get the drift of "fake it till you make it". Lord knows I've done so in my past and I've seen others do so. I have never (that I can recall) used that phrase to describe someone who was simply a fake. Generally, the people I use that phrase on are people who are in a growth mode and I probably respect them for that alone.

Kirata -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 1:01:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy Fake it 'til you make it isn't about fooling anyone but yourself. (for me anyway) Were there's a will, there's a way, even if you know you it's difficult to accomplish the goal. Telling yourself you can is 'faking it' so that you keep giving yourself a confidence boost to get it done. Okay, fair enough. My bad, then. I didn't read it that way. I would even call that "faking it" or "fooling yourself". But let's not quibble. [:)] K.

OrionTheWolf -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 3:44:38 PM)
~FR~ Emulation of behavior to bring about a change within oneself is a proven therapeutic exercise. The person posting "fake it" used a phrase that brings about a certain emotional reaction, and is getting responses based upon that. No one likes a fake person. Also, we do things for ourselves and others, measure ourselves by our eyes and others eyes is often how we do it. Getting many different perspectives on ourselves, so that we can assess, judge and make changes (or not) as we see fit is healthy. No one exists in a vacuum and to say that other peoples opinions do not matter, is incorrect. The amount of weight we place on the opinion of others and how we handle it is where the crux is.

JeffBC -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 4:30:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf Also, we do things for ourselves and others, measure ourselves by our eyes and others eyes is often how we do it. Getting many different perspectives on ourselves, so that we can assess, judge and make changes (or not) as we see fit is healthy. No one exists in a vacuum and to say that other peoples opinions do not matter, is incorrect. The amount of weight we place on the opinion of others and how we handle it is where the crux is. Thank you for mentioning that Orion. I was wondering if I'd stumbled onto some weird alternate reality where every man was, in fact, an island after all. I may be "dominant" but I am a dominant member of a HIGHLY social species.

littlewonder -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/2/2013 6:31:28 PM)
I call it "mirroring" instead of faking it till you make it. As for the op, what Master said.....integrity. Be a good person and the rest will fall into place. And like him, at the end of the day, I review my life of the day and make sure I stay on the right path.

evesgrden -> RE: How to be the man you want to be (6/3/2013 4:54:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana Allrighty-you have a bunch of questions here so I'm going to split em up and answer em one at a time... quote: How does a person worry about being trustworthy and respectable, in your opinion? I don't. quote: How does a man work at being the man he wants to be? Easy question. Complex answer-one that most major religions and philosophies try to tackle. In other words, far beyond the range of a mere forum response. I'll give you a touch of my answer though. The primary focus of my day is to be the best person I can be at any given moment. To get there, I do a lot of work. I meditate daily,I read good stuff, I fill my head with positive things, I surround myself with positive people, engage in an ongoing process of self evaluation, check my behavior thoughts and actions on a regular basis. It's a lot to do with how I treat people, do I act or react, do I listen to really hear or to reply/rebut, am I considerate, open minded, do I demonstrate patience, am I judgmental, these sorta things. In other words, pretty much every day I wake up and think, "Man, I was an ass yesterday, I'm gonna try to do better today." And at the end o night, I'll look back at the day, see where I did well, take a peek at where I could have done better, and also see where I really went FUBAR, what I might need to set right manana. Been doing this since I was a teenager and there's yet to be a day where it's all pro and no con. I've always said the day I stop growing is the day I die. quote: What kind of qualities should a man possess in order to be able to be that person? In order to want to be a better man, a person needs the desire to change and grow, the courage to do so, the ability to put that wish into action and the discipline/wherewithal to stick to said decision. Oh yea, and patience, because that internal growth stuff, it don't come quick or easy. quote: And finally - when a man feels he is being trustworthy and respectable (or non specifically - the man he wants to be) how does it naturally flow into his ability to be dominant, in your opinion? How to put this properly, for me, and this is only for me, the man is not the dominant, the dominant is the man. quote: What kind of qualities should a dominant possess in order to continue his ability to be what he aspires to be? The desire to grow as a man and as a relationship partner. quote: If more than one question has the same answer or you think to yourself 'it's the same damn thing' - why? Explain please. To me, this all boils down to one word-integrity. Being a man worth serving. And that means humility-yeah, that's right-I said a dominant must be humble. They gotta be humble enough to recognize their need to grow, the fact that they don't know it all (Or even a little) and that humility has to be sufficient to spur the willingness to grow. Not as a dominant-that's just a by product, but as a man. And amazingly enough, as so often seems to happen in life, worthy men-yeah, they seem to attract submissive's like a light pulls moths. ETA-I wrote this a few years ago in another post but I think it applies here: Puts on his Prof hat for a moment. Integrity is derived from the word integer,the latin word for whole, a math term that is used to define a number that is complete in and of itself, a 1, 2, 3 as opposed to a fraction or negative. The actual word integrity was first used by jewelers and gem cutters, and was coined to describe a stone cut in such a fashion that no matter what angle it was viewed from it appeared the same, in other words, the stone was consistent. The word then shifted in use to describe people who are the same. Thus a person of integrity would be consistent in beliefs, actions, values,. morals, principles and methodology. Aaaaand, (Here's the kicker you knew was coming), a person who is not consistent, as in changes who and what they are depending on circumstances, situations, desired outcomes etc...lacks integrity and in fact has none because they are not whole, they are not cohesive, and they do not show the same face/actions to the world no matter what angled they are viewed from. We now return to the regularly scheduled program. Exactly. It's worth a second read and a third and for some folks it needs to be read over and over again. I'd like to puntuate a couple of things here: 1) No one is above being an asshole.. part of the package of being human, so just embrace the horror and deal with it and learn from it. 2) A healthy self-esteem is an objective one. It's an assessment of the good, the bad, accepting it, not rationalizing it and moving on from there. One should strive to have as accurate a picture of oneself as possible and then change what you want changed. 3) Own your faults. Own'em even when you don't want to change them. You don't have to publish them, you don't even have to admit them to others, but you do have to own them when you look in the mirror. None of this "well that's just me" or "it's all because of X". That takes the perspective off it being a fault and then places you as a "victim" of circumstances beyond your control. I have faults that I'm choosing to work on, and others.. that I'm not. (ideally that's just for right now, but right now I'm just putting up with them). note: when I say "you" in posts like this, I mean the generic you, one, someone, a person, yada yada.

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