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Education of a Domme - 6/3/2013 11:34:58 PM

marshalp

Posts: 94
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Hello, I've recently met a vanilla lady and we hit of marvelously. She has most of the qualities i like in my female partners, But she is not well acquainted with the concept Femdom. She does have a natural aura of dominance and in our talks she has shown interest in learning more. She has asked me for some literature and other pointers.

I have looked at "The Mistress Manual by: Mistress Lorelei". It was a good source. Apart from that is there something which would help her? Also apart from literature what would be a good way for me to guide her to femdom?

Thanks,
Marshal.

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RE: Education of a Domme - 6/4/2013 12:44:24 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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I'm a sub but I think the same advice is relevant regardless of which role each partner is playing.

The best thing you can do is take it slow and keep talking about it. I know that's a boring answer. By all means, have her read everything she can get her hands on (maybe this board, too). But remind her that there is no 'right' way to do it, and she shouldn't think of them as a manual, but rather an insight into how other people make it work. Other than specific skills which could hurt someone - like how to safely carry out a piercing - the details are up to the two of you.

My suggestion would be to temporarily abandon any ideas of what a femdom relationship should be like and focus on exploring together. You can make some suggestions, but let her take the lead. It's good practice anyway. Let her find what she thinks is most interesting and explore that first, even if it's not your kink, because she needs to have fun and get comfortable if she's going to continue.

If you want to do kinky sex scenes, then start with something small - maybe she handcuffs you while you have sex. Maybe she tells you when you can orgasm. Maybe she puts clothes pins on your nipples but otherwise everything is the same. Let her pick, whatever she wants to try. Be enthusiastic and appreciative. The next day have an honest talk- what you both liked, what you didn't like, what you'd like to do next, what you need to dial back. Do tell her if you didn't like something, but resist the urge to say 'you should have done...' 'you were supposed to...' etc. If she didn't like an activity, then take it off the table, at least for now. You can always come back to things later. Resist the urge to get her to act out your specific script or to push her to do more than she is ready for. The whole point is that you come away having learned a little more about each other, and with her having a positive experience that leaves her wanting more. Make sure she's getting her fantasies in there too, even if they're nothing to do with femdom. If she likes her sex vanilla, make sure she's getting plenty of that. Learning to take the reigns, especially when faced with someone else's fantasies, is daunting and tiring. Even if she gets there eventually, for a while she might only be up to trying it once a week or so and you need to let her know that's ok - after all, she is the one who is changing for you so it needs to be at her pace.

If you want her to take control outside the bedroom 'start small' still applies. Maybe you have to make her a drink as soon as she gets in. Maybe she tells you no snacks before dinner. Again, let her decide what feels right to her. A rule that she doesn't feel is necessary is pointless. Be realistic that even if she is the boss 24/7, most of your day will look vanilla. Even big bad dommes sometimes want to cuddle, to watch TV in their pjs, to go dancing, to talk about what was on the news, and to have some alone time. Do some soul searching and decide how much control you are willing to give over - your appearance? your money? your job? but you don't need to jump into that level right away. Just let her get a feel for what seems good to her. Again, talk about it, let her know it's ok if she doesn't want to do something and don't push for everything all at once. I don't know how much experience you have, but during this experimentation there might also be things YOU discover you don't like, and that's all good. Whatever makes you both happy is the right answer. It seems this is a new relationship, and full on 24/7 is usually something which comes way down the line since it is a massive commitment.

Other than that, my only advice is that she gets to know other people in D/s relationships (of both genders and sides of the kneel) so she has people she can ask questions of and lots of real-life examples of how these relationships work. Get thee to a munch as soon as she feels comfortable. In the mean time, there's some good discussions on these boards, but of course she should take everything posted online with a pinch of salt.

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RE: Education of a Domme - 6/4/2013 9:42:59 AM

MsSylverdawn

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What AS said...

I would only add that sometimes it hard to for women who are not conditioned to be in charge to take the lead..so encourage her.. where possible defer to her.. allow her to take the lead.. encourage her by supporting those decisions she makes... dining choices, date choices, sexual choices.. applaud those efforts and she is more likely make them

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RE: Education of a Domme - 6/4/2013 10:14:36 AM

Rawni

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Personally, I am not buying the book you mention as I've looked at it, got a sample of it and read many of the reviews on the book. To me, there is a fatal flaw here. Yes, one can teach women to service men in a dominant sexual role. Yes, you can learn of their fantasies and how to fulfill the sexually submissive male that wants to get his kink on... if that is all you are interested in.

For some of us, this is a lifestyle of female lead and though I would address the sexual and kinky aspects, I personally feel it is the wrong way to go about it, to focus on these things. Unless you only want to dominate in the bedroom with little games outside of that... this isn't a view of what a dominant woman is about, nor a good primer to get a lifestyle domina more comfortable in her own skin and on the right track for a long term relationship where SHE is dominant and not just showing a woman how to please her kinky man or live a kink focused life.

I would personally advise women to grow strong within themselves, look into leadership, build personal strengths, seek out whether she wants to lead and is any good at it and then learn the kinky things SHE might be interested in. Otherwise in my view, she is catering to a man as her motivation and this may not be true to her own personality, gifts and skills.

If it's just kinky skill in the bedroom you want... then this book may work and many others like it. However, she would consider me a vulgar person if I didn't agree with her take on what a mistress is. She uses punishment and fear in a manner I would never. I am vulgar because I look at this as pleasing the man and he is really in charge. So any differing view of things, she goes to name calling. In my view, building a foundation of fear and she does focus a lot on sissies... is something I find harmful to relationships and people and surely wouldn't be my way. If that is what trips peoples triggers... all good, but this book is not objective by any means and show a very limited view.

< Message edited by Rawni -- 6/4/2013 10:19:15 AM >

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RE: Education of a Domme - 6/4/2013 10:19:15 AM

PeonForHer

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quote:

She does have a natural aura of dominance

What does that look like, marshalp?

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RE: Education of a Domme - 6/4/2013 10:23:59 AM

OsideGirl

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RE: Education of a Domme - 6/4/2013 10:24:50 AM

Rawni

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ROFLMAO!

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RE: Education of a Domme - 6/4/2013 11:27:46 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

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From: West Virginia, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: marshalp

Hello, I've recently met a vanilla lady and we hit of marvelously. She has most of the qualities i like in my female partners, But she is not well acquainted with the concept Femdom. She does have a natural aura of dominance and in our talks she has shown interest in learning more. She has asked me for some literature and other pointers.

I have looked at "The Mistress Manual by: Mistress Lorelei". It was a good source. Apart from that is there something which would help her? Also apart from literature what would be a good way for me to guide her to femdom?

Thanks,
Marshal.

Akasha posted the article here at CM from her site. The advice in this link is what a friend did to me. http://www.collarchat.com/m_4171453/mpage_1/key_Good%252CGirl%25E2%2580%2599s%252CGuide/tm.htm#4171453

Later, I wanted a lot of viewpoints so I bought a lot of books. Some were so different from what I felt was ME...that if someone had given me just one and told me it would be a good guide I would have bailed out of the lifestyle before barely getting my feet wet. (Not saying the title, but apparently all hubbies needed to be kept in chastity, cuckolded, forced to be a fluff girl, femmed, blah blah blah.)

To vanillas, kinky things we take for granted can be overwhelming. Be prepared to help her handle the many issues that might come up (lol, I had a hard time giving myself permission to like "hurting" people).

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RE: Education of a Domme - 6/4/2013 1:48:50 PM

marshalp

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Thanks for all the pointers... really appreciate it.

As CWV said, the main issue is for her to get over issues which we (kinksters) take for granted... hurting people (if & when they want it) is OK... just because you feel good, humiliating someone (at certain times) doesn't mean there is no mutual respect... etc.

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RE: Education of a Domme - 6/4/2013 3:03:30 PM

PeonForHer

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Well, I'd love to be in your position, marshalp. I'm envious. I've always dreamt of seeing that 'Ah, now I get it!' gleam in a woman's eyes as she 'grabs the domme in her'. I guess it's about her daring to take the power and use it, really. Lots of fun ahead for you both, handled right, I imagine.

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RE: Education of a Domme - 6/4/2013 3:44:43 PM

evesgrden

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quote:

ORIGINAL: marshalp

Thanks for all the pointers... really appreciate it.

As CWV said, the main issue is for her to get over issues which we (kinksters) take for granted... hurting people (if & when they want it) is OK... just because you feel good, humiliating someone (at certain times) doesn't mean there is no mutual respect... etc.

Try Sex Tips From a Dominatrix

By Patricia Payne (pen name obviously). It's a fun easy read, great way to get your feet wet. The author also happens to be a lovely class act.

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RE: Education of a Domme - 6/4/2013 4:19:58 PM

marshalp

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@PeonForHer, Right!!! It's great to see her realize that what she feels is not wrong... I can actually see the gleam in her eyes when she sees me submit to her...

@evesgrden, thanks, i shall look into it.

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RE: Education of a Domme - 6/4/2013 5:54:18 PM

LookieNoNookie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: marshalp

Hello, I've recently met a vanilla lady and we hit of marvelously. She has most of the qualities i like in my female partners, But she is not well acquainted with the concept Femdom. She does have a natural aura of dominance and in our talks she has shown interest in learning more. She has asked me for some literature and other pointers.

I have looked at "The Mistress Manual by: Mistress Lorelei". It was a good source. Apart from that is there something which would help her? Also apart from literature what would be a good way for me to guide her to femdom?

Thanks,
Marshal.

Can't he'p you bub....I come from things at a slightly different angle....submissive still.

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RE: Education of a Domme - 6/4/2013 9:48:20 PM

njlauren

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I was in the same position, and while the books can be good, some of them get to be a bit too much of the type another poster mentioned, where they are off on their own thing being 'the thing' for everyone else. For example, there are books on female led marriages that basically say it is the duty of the wife to cuckold her husband (nothing against cuckolding if that is your thing...), or that a domme must do x, y and z..which is horseshit, pure and simple. One of the things you learn in this is that you make your own rules...the books might be good for suggestions, but in the end she (and you) will work out your relationship:).

My advice?

1)Don't get hung up on protocol and such, until a time when maybe, just maybe, you want to get into that. It is very easy to think that you need to be living this on the level of a serious leather person (our own LP, for example), but that comes with time and experince.

2)This isn't a race, if it works anything like it did for us, it will explode on its own, give it time, do the little things, and see what happens.

3)Communicating is crucial, talk about what it is you are looking for, and have her says how it makes her feel...talk about serving, if that is what you are looking for, or that you like the idea of exploring her taking charge of certain things....talking is great, because it is that,talk.......

4)Know that this isn't about having the coolest toys or such (though that is great), but in finding what works for you and doesn't. If you want this outside the bedroom as a D/s, then work slowly towards that, maybe for example where you get her a pre bed drink and do foot massage, or something like that, and work up from that.

A book I liked was "Different Loving' by Gloria Braehme, it kind of talked about the variations in the scene, and how people live it, it was interesting.

One of the biggest things? Make sure to communicate you love her, and you want this to be about you two as a couple, to make it an interesting and fun existence:). I had some problems with that, I came from playing in a pro session kind of thing, and it is very different when it is someone you care about.......you might find a tiger under there, just give it time to grow from a kitten:)

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