submitting the dominant (Full Version)

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glorybox -> submitting the dominant (6/25/2006 11:36:40 PM)

my master - who is also my husband (I consider them synomous really) - is seemingly having difficulties stepping into his role as a full time dominant. during points in which I am to be punished - he often retracts - pulling back due to hestitations despite my myriads of reassurances. this is his first time truly being allowed to grasp entirely his true nature - and I take into account the possible tribulations that may incur from newly stepping into the experience - however - I am unclear as to why he continues to pull back. he can by all accounts talk up a storm - relate to me with percision exactly what he has in mind for inflictions - but when it comes down to actually carrying out the punishment - I find that he is lacking in taking his designs to the extent he prior has claimed. I know this takes time - but what more could I possibly do in order to reassure him - if at all - that I am more than eager to sustain whatever life he chooses me to live?



Caretakr -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/26/2006 12:05:13 AM)

By allowing him small steps at his own discretion.

Performance expectations from you will castrate his confidence-drop it, and let him be what he will-even if it does not grant you instant gratification.



Focus50 -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/26/2006 3:33:31 AM)

Hi and welcome to the Forums.... [:)]
 
The most obvious question (to me) is are you sure he is a Dom?  If he is then basically all you're expecting of him is to do what should come naturally to him....  But even allowing for inexperience, his unwillingness (or inability?) to follow through suggests he's in over his head with this....  It's not unusual for vanillas to find attraction in the supposed "kink" of BDSM but a bit of fun with ropes and whips etc can become daunting at a full D/s relationship level where the "master" is supposed to virtually run everything.  It's also not unusual for vanillas to a adopt a dom "role" in order to please the fem/sub woman they love; and that's where I think you're at....  First order of business is COMMUNICATION, you need to have a heart-to-heart about this because he sounds like he could be on the verge of being miserable with the role he's been presented with. 
 
I have a query on your use of the word "punishment".  Do you mean you're habitually a brat in constant need of behaviour modification or is that your word for generally playing with bondage, whips, toys, whatever etc?  Vanillas might think a good otk (over the knee) spanking is punishment, for example, but it's generally quite the opposite within the lifestyle....
 
Focus.



happypervert -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/26/2006 6:03:28 AM)

quote:

this is his first time truly being allowed to grasp entirely his true nature

Really? From what I get out of your description, it sounds like he is being allowed to do what YOU want him to do, and now you're upset because he won't beat the hell out of you the way you expect.

Ya know, punishment doesn't have to be physical, but what you say about your "reassurances" could just as easily be interpreted as begging for it. It also sounds like he is overpromising on what he will do because he thinks that is what is expected, and you aren't letting him find his true nature at all.

If he isn't punishing you the way you want, then that's good -- punishment shouldn't be about doing it the way you want or expect. If I were him, though, I'd be very disappointed that you are acting up so often that you deserve punishment and this is even an issue.

I think you should worry about doing what you're supposed to do and not on changing him.



glorybox -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/26/2006 6:06:04 AM)

I kindly appreciate the replies. my use of the word "punishment" extends to that beyond spankings and other ideas of "kink" as you say - but yes - the referrence is to describe the whippings - gagging - things of that nature. I apologize if there's another termology flying around. in truth - I'm not altogether familiar with direct labels where this area is concerned (in discipline). at times - yes - I would say I needed behavoir modification - but it certainly goes much further than that.

I agree firmly with communication and where the dilemma comes into play is that we have discussed the matter extensively - and it seems he is leary of promoting his own stregnth - trying to find a medium that doesn't equate to outright abuse as he fears going too far - despite the set limitations. I have been thinking as of late that perhaps I have given him too much freedom - which is plausibly overwhelming him - though as a slave (and a wife) it is certainly not my place - I feel - to limit him any more than I have to.

fortunately - since last night - I can attest he is however slowly seeming to grow much more comfortably into his role. it's never been that he's refuted it - as in reality - he was the one who had initially brought it up. caretakr I believe was correct in this aspect - I've simply been too impatient and need to allow him to move at his own pace.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/26/2006 6:27:21 AM)

I agree with the previous advice- give him time to go at his own pace.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_411305/mpage_1/key_eager%252Cpuppy/tm.htm#411339
not much of a dom

http://www.collarchat.com/m_321594/mpage_1/key_eager%252Cpuppy/tm.htm#321737
Master doesn't want to play

http://www.collarchat.com/m_269547/mpage_1/key_eager%252Cpuppy/tm.htm#269558
He's a switch, I'm a sub, help!



TolerableCruelty -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/26/2006 6:34:25 AM)

Here's a fun game, if you feel that you want things to evolve a bit faster....

Just question his manhood.

My personal favorite line is "Oh fer chrissakes, grow a pair you spineless bastard... i'll bet my mother hits harder than you"

1 of 2 things are bound to happen.... you'll be pleased with 1 result... the other one means he'll start to cry cause you hurt his feelings, and he won't want to play at all anymore.... in which case you just found it out sooner, rather than later.

Have fun !!!

T.R.



glorybox -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/26/2006 6:51:15 AM)


the links have sincerely been a great help. thank you kindly luckyalbatross.

where questioning his manhood is concerned - first of all - I was not offended in the least. actually - I find it rather humorous as on one occasion I shamefully admit to having used something along those lines to get under his skin and as it turned out - he got under - across - and over mine. [;)]

as I stated in my last post - he is indeed - finally - coming around - I just haven't been good with waiting. a part of me is beginning to wonder if my persuasions are not further inhibiting his responses - as happypervert commented. that may be the case more often than not.



Sab -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/26/2006 7:29:58 AM)

If you are new to this life - communication is the be and end all, simple as really. As you say you are his wife and that dictates in a society that has a preface that one does not hit women - as that is the case, HE has just as much a learning curve as yourself.

Time and communication are what you need - and, as has been said before, small steps. They will yield greater results than trying to hit the groud on a sprint. Good luck!



MstrssPassion -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/26/2006 7:53:48 AM)

quote:

he can by all accounts talk up a storm - relate to me with percision exactly what he has in mind for inflictions - but when it comes down to actually carrying out the punishment - I find that he is lacking in taking his designs to the extent he prior has claimed.


remember this line?

you can talk the talk but can you walk the walk?

Maybe he is just not a physical dom. There are plenty of dominants that do not use physical means to direct, modify behaviors or discipline their submissives.

(everyone has a different walk)

Now onto this... what is happening here? Is he having a problem with physical actions in general? If so, no amount of assurance is going to mean a thing. If he has had no issue with physical activities when it comes to play then maybe you two should set up this as rewards & not punishments. Hard to tell based on your brief statement here.

As the others have said... communicate, communicate & communicate some  more... & something I will add... communication is far more than just exchanging words, make sure you understand what the other is saying before walking away from a conversation. It never ceases to amaze me how many people claim to communicate with others when all they actually do is make noise in the form of words.



TolerableCruelty -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/26/2006 9:30:17 AM)

See ?!?!?

It works !!!

hahhahhahahaaaaa

T.R.



LadyHugs -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/26/2006 9:44:03 AM)

Dear glorybox, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I agree fully with the previous postings, of allowing the dominant to go onto their own pace of learning, knowledge and skills levels.
 
But, I also want to point out that there are many styles of dominating someone, which is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.  It takes patience to see this all come about as, physical is the most obvious.
 
Keeping the slave/submissive off balance is rather fun.  It is a manipulation tactic to which changes your time to a dominant's time.
As slaves are needy in the beginning, the needs are known to a dominant but,  in domination--the key is when the needs are seen to on his time table, not yours.
 
Take a breath--relax and enjoy the growth of a Master.  It really is a beautiful thing to witness.  Not much different than having to be patient in growing flowers.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



lisa1978 -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/26/2006 12:11:27 PM)

If he is meant to be a physical dominant then it may just take time and like your last night comment it sounds like he can be.

I have seen several factors on the evolution of new dominants who go slowly into the full area. It is not simply he is or he is not type of thing. First is confidence. Confidence in knowing what he is doing and needing. This can go slow and as people mentioned before baby steps.

Second is despite a dominant knowing they are "different" from their submissive, it can take them a while to get over or comfortable with what they are ordering or doing to their submissive. Some have a problem of seeing themselves in their submissive and have a tough time not thinking how the hell do they want this I would never type thoughts, especially when the heart is strongly in play.

I would just stay positive, stroke his ego and openly communicate frequently your needs, desires and happiness in you two are doing. There is nothing wrong and in fact is a very positive and important thing to discuss all things that are being done even the non BDSM ones at the appropiate time. Knowing this life is what you want and doing it as not to complain or make him feel like he is letting you down will help him grow into what he is and I really hope that going to be great for you!



Focus50 -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/27/2006 3:47:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: glorybox

I kindly appreciate the replies. my use of the word "punishment" extends to that beyond spankings and other ideas of "kink" as you say - but yes - the referrence is to describe the whippings - gagging - things of that nature. I apologize if there's another termology flying around. in truth - I'm not altogether familiar with direct labels where this area is concerned (in discipline). at times - yes - I would say I needed behavoir modification - but it certainly goes much further than that.

I agree firmly with communication and where the dilemma comes into play is that we have discussed the matter extensively - and it seems he is leary of promoting his own stregnth - trying to find a medium that doesn't equate to outright abuse as he fears going too far - despite the set limitations. I have been thinking as of late that perhaps I have given him too much freedom - which is plausibly overwhelming him - though as a slave (and a wife) it is certainly not my place - I feel - to limit him any more than I have to.

fortunately - since last night - I can attest he is however slowly seeming to grow much more comfortably into his role. it's never been that he's refuted it - as in reality - he was the one who had initially brought it up. caretakr I believe was correct in this aspect - I've simply been too impatient and need to allow him to move at his own pace.

Re "punishment", no apologies necessary at all - was just checking that we were talking the same language for the benefit of understanding and *communication*....
 
I can tell you from personal experience that there's nothing unusual about a fem/sub who has a "do me, dammit!" attitude when it comes to patience, including someone relatively new to me - so guess where that leaves you in relationship to your actual hubby!?!  lol
 
Focus.



Focus50 -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/27/2006 4:04:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

quote:

this is his first time truly being allowed to grasp entirely his true nature

Really? From what I get out of your description, it sounds like he is being allowed to do what YOU want him to do, and now you're upset because he won't beat the hell out of you the way you expect.

Ya know, punishment doesn't have to be physical, but what you say about your "reassurances" could just as easily be interpreted as begging for it. It also sounds like he is overpromising on what he will do because he thinks that is what is expected, and you aren't letting him find his true nature at all.

If he isn't punishing you the way you want, then that's good -- punishment shouldn't be about doing it the way you want or expect. If I were him, though, I'd be very disappointed that you are acting up so often that you deserve punishment and this is even an issue.

I think you should worry about doing what you're supposed to do and not on changing him.

She's quite young and new to the site and possibly the lifestyle in general and you're all over her with presumptions and accusations!?!  Way to make the newbies welcome!!  Guess you're not part of any "official welcome-wagon" around here, if there is one, ay?
 
Focus.



JessieMe -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/27/2006 4:17:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: glorybox

I have been thinking as of late that perhaps I have given him too much freedom - which is plausibly overwhelming him - though as a slave (and a wife) it is certainly not my place - I feel - to limit him any more than I have to.



Excuse me for asking this but did you just say in one sentence that you are a slave and you give him too much freedom?  I give you points for being new to all of this, but if you truly understand anything about what it is you are wanting from being a submissive/slave, even you should see the problem with this statement. So you decided you wanted to be a slave. And you both decided he was going to dominate you. Now he is not being the dominant you want him to be so you are going to do everything in your power to change him. Perhaps you should be spending alot more time on working on your submissive nature and not so much time on his dominant one. There is a webpage if you do a search for wizdomme and humor and read the page on Master and servant, a conversation and you might start seeing the connections.

I do wish you both good luck. It seems you have found the partner you want.. you just need to work on the relationship and for some you are far better off than others.



glorybox -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/27/2006 11:40:46 AM)

I am truly amazed by the overwhelming responses and can not convey the depths of my gratitude to each and every one of you.

in reply to ladyhugs - I understand the many facets of which one can be dominated. keeping me off balance is perhaps one of the best/worst senarios - depending on the perspective - as I've never faired well in not knowing what's coming next so to speak and I know he's well aware of this. I very much however - am seeing the ways he is going about incurring each circumstance - outside of the physical realm - which to be honest - naturally - I still would like to see more of - but as you said - this is all on his time and not my own - and I'm becoming more relaxed in keeping that in mind. he is certainly beginning to get his point across where such matters are concerned. as far as neediness goes - you're absolutely right. now that I'm allowed to finally open entirely this facet of me which has been suppressed for a number of years - it's often difficult to contain it and I have admittedly felt poorly for feeling so. in reality - outside of this - I'm much of an independent/introvert/loner type - thus dealing with these emotions can sometimes become overwhelming.

in reply to focus - thank you for taking the initiative to stick up for me. I am more than new I think in coming into the experience - as far as tpe goes. prior to this situation I had a dom for several years - who practiced mostly mental submission and through other experiences I played around with aspects - but never to the graveness that I would have liked. as far as releasing myself to the fullest extent - unequivically - by all accounts I am a beginner. I know there is still quite a lot to be learned and integrated - and I often feel a fool for exposing my ignorance but I am also aware this is my only means for which anything can be processed and utilized. everyone has a starting off point - this happens to be mine. and definitely - I need to work on the patience - in all aspects of my life unfortunately which suffice to say I see is coming with age.

in reply to jessieme - what I had meant by saying that I was giving him too much freedom - was that seeing as how this is also his first time - more so than myself which is saying quite a bit - even he himself has commented on having so many options that at times it seems overwhelming - and where his nature is concerned - he tends to shut down when there's too much on the plate - which is not something I would like him to feel. I also said proceeding the freedom comment - that it's not my place to limit him as it is. I have realized both through the comments on the board and general observations toward the situation - that patience is once again key under these conditions. I hope that clarifies.

once again - all the help - thank you endlessly to all.








tade -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/28/2006 5:25:06 PM)

I would always question why someone would choose to submit to another if they weren't on the same page where these things are concerned. Not to sound to harsh, but what is it that you are submitting to if you are not getting the proper "motivation". Kinda like a preacher marrying a porn star thing. If it's not there then why are you? If you are needing someting that he is unwilling or unable to provide it will cause problems further down the line if nowhere else but in the fragile male mind whenever he finds out that he isn't "Man enough" for you. 

I know that I would have a problem treating my wife the same as I would one of our subs. Perhaps that's the reason he pulls back. These things are much better off discussed before any feelings or emotions cloud any judgement. Only my opinion.



LokisBrat -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/28/2006 6:07:34 PM)


As a married couple, my Brat and I have experienced some of these issues.  In our particular case, we were married for 9 years before exploration of this "lifestyle".  This is not an issue that cannot be resolved with communication, trust, and will.  As a wise man told me not long ago, (thank you again) you have the advantage of knowing each other better than anyone else, use it.  I had my issues in dealing with disciplinary actions with my lovely wife, but with her determination in pleasing me, this has only surfaced on rare occasions.  Take things at a comfortable pace and communicate, communicate, and communicate some more.  Each of you have a new role to step into, take your time and allow the other the space and room to feel comfortable "in thier new skin". 

LOKI



SirDarkside357 -> RE: submitting the dominant (6/28/2006 8:03:36 PM)

You can blame society and the way men are usually brought up.  It's often times hard for a man to break his "training" and be a true man. And I don't mean an abusive ass, that's only the men that don't have all their circuits connected.

Be Well,
Darkside



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