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It's not about the nail - 6/7/2013 10:58:12 AM   
Paladin9


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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/7/2013 12:17:17 PM   
ResidentSadist


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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		"Don’t try to fix the problem, just be there for her emotionally. Even if the problem is as plain as the n___ on her face."

I am not sure if the video is pointing out the pro or con of all that airy fairy PC support logic? That support someone when their action (or in action) hurts them is just bullshit. That is called enabling where I come from. Sometimes you just gotta' knock a bitch down and pull out the nail. Especially if she is too dumb and self centered to do it herself.

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/7/2013 5:27:28 PM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		Yeah. I've heard that one before. "Don't try to fix the problem. Just listen." Sorry, but my ex-wife could whine about something for over half an hour, that I could resolve in three minutes. No reason I should have to put up with her complaining. My needs are just as valid as hers, after all.

My sub Tasha is much more reasonable. If I can fix it, I do. If I can't, I listen. And if I don't have the time/patience to listen, I tell her so.

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/7/2013 5:38:25 PM   
dcnovice


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Funny video.

In my maddening way, I can see both sides of "Just listen!" My (wonderful) family is full of fixers, and they've been driving me a bit insane during my medical adventures (neck surgery, colorectal cancer) this year. I totally get the value of solutions, but there are times I just want, yes, a listener.

I'd also note that sharing one's troubles isn't always complaining. Some days, I've had a loved one ask for the latest medical news (which I recount neutrally), then start "solving" things before I've even finished the update. That gets irksome.

ETA: Truth-in-advertising laws require me to add that after I posted this, I got a handful of texts from a friend about his endlessly repetitive boyfriend woes. And part of me does feel like yanking the nail out of his forehead!

< Message edited by dcnovice -- 6/7/2013 5:56:09 PM >

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/7/2013 6:04:02 PM   
ARIES83


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Status: offline 		Haha, I'm a fixer... The trick is you just listen and commiserate etc... Then go fix it without telling her.
I mean... Don't even mention you did anything haha.

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/7/2013 6:12:18 PM   
tsatske


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From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		But why should you have to do that with the person who is supposed to be your life's partner, Aries? If my man fixes something for me - or if my mom does, for that matter, I want to be appreciative. Not some stuck up cunt making you listen to me whine for hours and then taking credit for fixing it myself.

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/7/2013 6:17:55 PM   
LafayetteLady


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Status: offline 		Sometimes people just want to "vent." They aren't looking for you to fix the problem, and quite frankly, to a point RS is right about enabling.

In other words, if you listen (like you say), by the time the venting is over, the solution is already known, possibly already in the works, but the need to vent needs to be taken into account.

DS,

Obviously she is your ex, so there were other problems, however....why should you have to listen to it? See above. It's not always about fixing the problem or even finding a solution. Sometimes it is simply about releasing the frustration. People tend to do that for those they love.

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/7/2013 8:12:21 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Eww, "life partner"... Sounds like how you'd introduce a gay lover. (No offence gay lovers reading this.)

I don't as a general rule of thumb, listen to much whining let alone hours of whining. I do generally have time to listen to things that are important or upsetting to people close to me though, and even if they are somewhat inconsequential to me, I still tend to have the patience to lend a ear of shoulder to cry on.

It's a bit mean to demand openness and honesty from someone but then shoot them down when they are open and honest.

In my experience the crying and having someone to listen/understand is the thing thats important... The thing important to me though, is looking at the situation that spurred the crying or whatever and deciding if it needs my attention, which it doesn't very often.

Whatever the case, being involved in decision making about the problem isn't something I've found a lot of girlies to be comfortable with... Troubling a already emotional girl with the kinds of details that occupy my mind in that instance has been unnecessarily distressing in the past, and so I sometimes keep those details to myself.

If it's the kind of situation that merits going and having a talk with someone I just do it... Word gets back to me about my solution more often than not.
It's not like I do that kind of thing often btw, I'm not some kind of "relationship batman" out every night righting where my girlfriend has been wronged hahaha.

I just do what I do, and I don't particularly feel the need to inform people when I do it.

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 6/7/2013 8:21:18 PM >

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/7/2013 8:23:56 PM   
dcnovice


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quote:

ww, "life partner"... Sounds like how you'd introduce a gay lover.

Not anymore. Now we call them husbands.


quote:

(No offence gay lovers reading this.)

None taken.

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/7/2013 8:37:48 PM   
MasterG2kTR


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Status: offline 		I think its a case of the pot calling the kettle black and the bitch should take her own advice....just shut up and listen.....

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/7/2013 11:07:30 PM   
LafayetteLady


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quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

Eww, "life partner"... Sounds like how you'd introduce a gay lover. (No offence gay lovers reading this.)

I don't as a general rule of thumb, listen to much whining let alone hours of whining. I do generally have time to listen to things that are important or upsetting to people close to me though, and even if they are somewhat inconsequential to me, I still tend to have the patience to lend a ear of shoulder to cry on.

It's a bit mean to demand openness and honesty from someone but then shoot them down when they are open and honest.

In my experience the crying and having someone to listen/understand is the thing thats important... The thing important to me though, is looking at the situation that spurred the crying or whatever and deciding if it needs my attention, which it doesn't very often.

Whatever the case, being involved in decision making about the problem isn't something I've found a lot of girlies to be comfortable with... Troubling a already emotional girl with the kinds of details that occupy my mind in that instance has been unnecessarily distressing in the past, and so I sometimes keep those details to myself.

If it's the kind of situation that merits going and having a talk with someone I just do it... Word gets back to me about my solution more often than not.
It's not like I do that kind of thing often btw, I'm not some kind of "relationship batman" out every night righting where my girlfriend has been wronged hahaha.

I just do what I do, and I don't particularly feel the need to inform people when I do it.


I didn't use the term life partner. Although these days, it can be hard to figure out the proper term. At some of our ages, "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" just sound silly, lol.

Anyway, I was certainly not talking about *hours* of venting. That would make me slap the shit out of someone, lol. And also not random people, but the people you care about, like you said.

I don't really go to others looking for solutions, but I do, when necessary "vent." Venting means I need to take some time and rant and rave about a situation and want someone to pretty much not say anything other than the occasional nod and "that's terrible," lol.

I get people coming to me with their issues pretty frequently, and there are times where I have had to cut them off because I had just had enough at the moment.

I will say that it is more often women who vent and like to talk out their problems with others. Sometimes I wonder how some women get anything done. They seem to need a committee consensus on everything.

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/8/2013 1:24:58 AM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		I was elaborating a bit for tsatske. I can be a bit cavalier with the fast reply sometimes.

I say "girl" or "girlfriend" as a kinda generic term regardless of age... Silly though it may be. And I've even been known to throw around the occasional "good girl" or "naughty girl" when the mood strikes me.
quote:

They seem to need a committee consensus on everything.

I can't remember when this came up, but it's been talked about before, I found it interesting. i.e... Women and whether or not theres a higher tendency toward consensus forming behaviour.

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/8/2013 1:40:37 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


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Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hah! That video was very humorous.

I'm pretty good at just listening, but as soon as they took a breath or there was a pause in the ranting; I'd be, "Is there a medical reason you can't pull that nail out? Cuz if there isn't, hold still...this is gonna hurt."

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/8/2013 4:10:40 PM   
erieangel


Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline 		I listen to problems all day on my job. And some days the guys give me such hard time at work that I have to vent about it. Because of HIPPA regulations and the employee structure at my agency, there is really only 2 people I can legally vent to. One is my supervisor, the other is the program director. Because the program director seems to turn most everything I say around and ends up using it against me, I've stopped going to her with problems or even for advise on how I might do my job better (isn't one of the duties of an administrator to make sure that those below her are able to do their jobs?). So I often call my supervisor after 9 pm if I'm stressed. A lot of times, he's out with friends and he gets flack for taking my calls after hours. We're just both glad his wife is understanding.


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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/8/2013 7:01:55 PM   
JeffBC


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
Sometimes people just want to "vent." They aren't looking for you to fix the problem, and quite frankly, to a point RS is right about enabling.

LOL, at work I learned to go into my manager's or his manager's office sometimes and just say...

"Look, I need to vent. I don't need you to fix anything and you don't need a notepad for this meeting. Just nod sagely for a bit, ok?"

Really, I did. And it was amazingly therapeutic for me and I suspect very efficient for my boss. He got a short break and I got to "work it out" whatever it was.

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/8/2013 7:26:20 PM   
LafayetteLady


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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
Sometimes people just want to "vent." They aren't looking for you to fix the problem, and quite frankly, to a point RS is right about enabling.

LOL, at work I learned to go into my manager's or his manager's office sometimes and just say...

"Look, I need to vent. I don't need you to fix anything and you don't need a notepad for this meeting. Just nod sagely for a bit, ok?"

Really, I did. And it was amazingly therapeutic for me and I suspect very efficient for my boss. He got a short break and I got to "work it out" whatever it was.


That is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Often, during the little "rant," the answer becomes crystal clear. Other times, you know the answer, but the situation still pisses you off, and on the ever popular third hand, there is no answer because it is something you can't fix (just the way the world is), but you need to bitch about it for a bit before resuming what you were doing.

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/9/2013 2:58:29 AM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		If I've fixed it before you are done 'venting' about it, ...you say 'thank you'... you do not call me insensitive.

If I can fix it, there is nothing to 'vent' about and the thought that there was, was an error. This is an example of things being better because I did something.

If, on the other hand, the objective is to 'vent'... ...on me... and the problem is just the one currently available... let's revisit that odd bit about someone being insensitive.

I am, after all, not a box of Kleenex.

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/9/2013 7:06:50 AM   
SatinWhip


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From: The Dark Side
Status: offline 		Is it just coincidence that in the video the party with the nail in their head is the female and the listener is male? I think not.

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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/9/2013 7:57:56 AM   
JeffBC


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SatinWhip
Is it just coincidence that in the video the party with the nail in their head is the female and the listener is male? I think not.

No, it's not coincidence, it's just another unfair and unreasonable gender based bit of bigotry masquerading as humor.

Conveniently, between Carol and I we seem to be on the same page. When I think the problem is one of "venting" I'm generally correct. When I think the problem is one of "fixing" I'm also generally correct. I recognize both kinds to be valid and important.


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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
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RE: It's not about the nail - 6/9/2013 9:54:45 AM   
Musicmystery


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Status: offline 		I have found that the same women who just want to be witnessed can totally suck at listening themselves, insisting on interrupting to fix things before they even understand what's going on really. Then complaining men never share their feelings. Guess why.

People like to put problems in boxes. Simpler--just not effective.

But sometimes, as the video demonstrates clearly and with good faith humor (not seeing the malice Jeff notes), sometimes a fix is appropriate.

It does, at least, demonstrate *why* he just wants to "fix" not her, but the problem vexing her. But yes, people often prefer to suffer.

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