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RE: learning to love bdsm - 6/9/2013 12:44:42 PM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I'm not sure that ever works Michael. You can't expect anyone to say okay on a first date when you tell them to sign over their car to you. There's an amount of trust that needs to be built up first. He has to demonstrate that he's smart enough to handle the responsibilities and not just revel in the rights.

Yeah, you could say it but you wouldn't get anyone of quality to agree to it.

I didn't recomend that course! In fact it has a high wanker factor but its a common approach.

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RE: learning to love bdsm - 6/9/2013 2:24:22 PM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: km23

ive always been submissive, my entire life.
but my partner isnt. was never interested in it untill he met me,
is it possible, in all honesty - for him to learn to love it the way i do ?
for it to mean as much to him as it does to me ?

possibly but the odds are against it.

ETA: Want him to be your dominant partner? Like others said, submit to him. I encourage you to read The Surrendered Wife

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 6/9/2013 2:35:14 PM >

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RE: learning to love bdsm - 6/9/2013 5:25:47 PM

km23

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thanks for your comments everyone !

its not that ive not tried submitting to him, i have. thats not the problem! i can submit till the sun comes up - the issue (and question ) i have is that.. for me a big part of bdsm is the mental & emotional dynamic between a D/s ..
my question was
has anyone ever been able to switch a "vanilla" relationship, into a D/s dynamic ?
especially when my husband doesnt have a massively dominant side.

< Message edited by km23 -- 6/9/2013 5:26:02 PM >

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RE: learning to love bdsm - 6/9/2013 5:39:04 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: km23
has anyone ever been able to switch a "vanilla" relationship, into a D/s dynamic ? especially when my husband doesnt have a massively dominant side.

We switched from 10 or so years vanilla marriage to TPE. But (at least as it relates to Carol) I have a "massively dominant side" and she has a "massively submissive side". In other words, the shoes just fit naturally and in fact I'd been bossing her around in life changing ways within about 2 hours of meeting her.

Perhaps it'd help if you said what you mean by "D/s". People mean a great many things by that. What does a "D/s" interaction look like to you? Are we talking bedroom fun & games here? Is this crawling around on the floor and eating out of dog food bowls? Help me to understand what the gap is between your reality and your dream.

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RE: learning to love bdsm - 6/9/2013 5:46:59 PM

km23

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alright.
so to me, D/s the dom, sub relationship. I want a dom who can control every sexual move i make. its not just a bit of fun or "pretned" i want it to be real & have that real, intense connection with someone.

the things im into require a lot of trust .. for example, breath control, rape fantasy, knife play...

when someones not naturally dominant and your asking them to change from vanilla normality to the above, its a pretty big jump !!

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RE: learning to love bdsm - 6/9/2013 6:12:34 PM

JeffBC

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OK, I get it. I think of that as "bottoming" more than submitting but that's why I asked :)

Here's what I know. I'm the "natural born leader" type... eg: I find myself in leadership slots everywhere I go without really trying... and often-times wishing I wasn't. I am, however, "sexually damaged" -- I don't actually believe that women like sex. For obvious reasons that leads to issues with assertiveness so in the sexual arena I might actually be a better fit as a bottom than a top. Carol and I have experimented with SM and she had some positive reaction from it. So I dug inside myself looking for the right "wires" to connect to get a sort of snarly "blow me bitch" energy. It's in there. I could summon it when required... for real not role play. But it took effort to do so. Think of it like an acquired taste. It never went anywhere because Carol is too submissive. It was inevitable that things would settle down to my level not whatever hers might be otherwise.

So for me, at least, it was absolutely possible. Had there been stronger motivation (like the woman I loved telling me she really needed it) then I'd be a rockin' sadist right now... for real... not as a facade. But I'm highly motivated in my desire to make the most perfect life I can for Carol and I am utterly ruthless with myself when it comes to making such sort of changes. The idea that I would not be able to control and mold my own self at will is BAD(tm) to me in a strongly visceral sort of way (gosh, you think I might be into "control"?? LOL) In other words, I had the tools to make the change and the love to drive the effort. Does he have both?

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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
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RE: learning to love bdsm - 6/9/2013 7:20:39 PM

littlewonder

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so you're not talking d/s, you're talking about him wanting to dominate you in the bedroom.That's a whole different ball of wax.

If he's not into kinky sex, sorry but you're screwed. You can ask him to do it but if he's not into it, it's not going to last and you won't get anything out of it.

My suggestion is either learn to live without it and be happy to be with a man who loves you or divorce him and possibly find down the road that you are young and you may have fucked up being with a great guy...if he really is a great guy. So...think very, very carefully. I'm getting the feeling though that you never really loved him though and you only married him because you were pregnant.

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RE: learning to love bdsm - 6/9/2013 8:25:10 PM

Moonlightmaddnes

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We went from some kink in the bedroom and slowly we had more of a D/s relationship. So yeah you can but for us it was just natural. He is dominant and I am submissive in life anyways. He has had 4 job changes over 20 years and every single time he went pretty fast up the ranks because he is just the type that he has to be in charge. I am happy to simply do as I am told. If that is not in place already I doubt you would be happy. If he is not comfortable dominating then he will not want to do it.

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RE: learning to love bdsm - 6/9/2013 9:29:52 PM

njlauren

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quote:

ORIGINAL: km23

alright.
so to me, D/s the dom, sub relationship. I want a dom who can control every sexual move i make. its not just a bit of fun or "pretned" i want it to be real & have that real, intense connection with someone.

the things im into require a lot of trust .. for example, breath control, rape fantasy, knife play...

when someones not naturally dominant and your asking them to change from vanilla normality to the above, its a pretty big jump !!

I agree with others, sounds more like you want a bedroom relationship where he totally controls the sex, which is fine, just isn't a lifestyle D/s per se. Or do you also see this extending into the rest of your life, where he controls decision making and such for things outside the bedroom?

I was in your position, and for bedroom play like that it is possible he will find his inner dom, a lot of people could be potentially into that and not know it.It doesn't mean it is easy and it may not be a fast progression.

First of all, have you talked to him about it? Have you explored with him online, to show what it is you are talking about? There are books like the Topping book and bottoming book that may help, but sometimes the best way may be to talk to him about what you want, and find a way to start, which seems easy, but is probably the hardest part. You won't get someone who will be as good as someone you may have played with, it is going to be a process if he does find he is interested. Sometimes IME someone may not be particularly in it themselves, but get something out of it because it turns on their partner, so that is another possibility, too. One of the nice parts is you get to be on the journey with him, it can be frustrating if you have been down the path a bit and he is inching along, but if he catches his wind, could be mighty interesting.

The key is opening up to him and telling him what you want/need, and then talk about first steps to try. Maybe he would be willing to tie you up and tickle you, or tie you up, blindfold you, then make you suck him off or otherwise service him, start small, and see where it goes from there. I would be very careful about introducing him to the harder stuff right away, tone it down, take it in steps and let him see what it does for you, and it might work. I did just that, my sweetie was as vanilla as you could want, and it took a while, but it blossomed on us. No guarantees, but I sincerely hope you open up and talk to him, and see what happens.

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