need mentoring for intermediate level dom (Full Version)

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postmanh22 -> need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 11:11:44 AM)

I have recently realized my role as a dom through my relationship with a very experienced sub. She made me realize how much of a fit I was for the position and how much she wants me to be her dominant. I have set up rules and protocols with rewards and non-physical punishments and some light physical ones. Recently she informed me that she doesn't respect me as her dom because I don't "scare her". Or in better terms Idont have complete control of her . At least Ibelieve that's what she means. Id like any and all help in the form of someone I can contact every so often with questions like "if she does this I should do this".to better assume control and receive obedience. Thank you in advance. Mod edit: email address removed



mnottertail -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 11:52:55 AM)

First learn to be aware of yourself, your surroundings, and your responsiblilities, and posting your email is not on that list.



Rasciallymisty -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 12:16:00 PM)

Posting your addy is against TOS you need to remove it or the Mods will be along.

Not a Master so I can't tell you what to do, but good communication between her and you might be the key. Ask her, what it is that she expects from you. She would be the best one to tell you what she is thinking and why.



lizi -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 12:30:13 PM)

Is this the same person who gave you a chance 6 months ago and you asked for help then? I''m not sure you took the advice you were given at that time, since you were told then not to post your personal information (email address) and yet you did that again. You were advised back then to seek out real life gatherings and read some non-fiction BDSM books, did you do any of that?



postmanh22 -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 1:43:19 PM)

I did ask for help about 3 months ago and was helped by 2 masters and a sub. I can't say I recall you being one of them but if you did offer me some advice best believe I took it. I've been to a few meetings and 2 events but didn't find anything helpful. I haven't stopped reading and researching but still feel I could use actual real time help. As for the email I will remove it and would like no more posts about it as it is not helpful. Thank you again



LadyPact -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 2:00:22 PM)

I'm kind of surprised that you had trouble finding somebody to help advise you in the real world.

I'm kind of sketchy about mentorship via email. Anybody can tell you anything on the net. It doesn't necessarily mean it's good advice or any better than what somebody thinks, rather than what they know because they are doing it from day to day. When you don't know the person who is giving you the advice, they don't know you, don't know your sub, it's got a chance of not being very effective.

Are you going to educational events by any chance or have you just been hitting munches?



lizi -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 2:33:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: postmanh22

I did ask for help about 3 months ago and was helped by 2 masters and a sub. I can't say I recall you being one of them but if you did offer me some advice best believe I took it. I've been to a few meetings and 2 events but didn't find anything helpful. I haven't stopped reading and researching but still feel I could use actual real time help. As for the email I will remove it and would like no more posts about it as it is not helpful. Thank you again


Hmmm. On the surface it would seem that you and I are referencing different threads then, because the one I looked at was 6 months ago, and you had many more than 3 people who responded to you, but, you only have posted one other thread - so in fact we should be talking about the same information. I think this is pertinent to the conversation, why would people more or less waste their time giving you more help that you aren't going to utilize?

The comments about you not putting up personal information were very helpful in my eyes since that is against the TOS of this site, which you have already been told. It's another example of how you seem to want to be spoonfed instant Domination tactics in order to 'scare' your submissive, but you won't actually put in any real effort.

I'd also like to know more about what types of real life events/meetings you've been to as LadyPact mentioned, can you please tell us some more about those? Someone that has actually met you and your submissive would be in a much better place to give you some help tailored to your situation. Over the internet people tend to think it's a 'just add water' type of thing and it's not really like that.



poise -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 2:37:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: postmanh22
She made me realize how much of a fit I was for the position and how much she wants me to be her dominant. Recently she informed me that she doesn't respect me as her dom because I don't "scare her".

One thing that will do you a world of good is to realize, as you continue your growth, is that Dominance
and submission isn't as cut and dried as you'd like it to be. Meaning, there are no instructions to
insert Part A into Part C, and everything will be hunky dory.

I think you should also ask yourself how happy you would be in a relationship where the woman is
only obeying/submitting out of fear. Sure, it can make some scenes hot, but scenes only last so long.
I have no idea what's taken place for her to decide one day she wants you as her Dom, and now she
no longer respects you. Maybe she is a bratty type of submissive and she is hoping for more
physical punishments, in which case, again, where is your happiness in all of this?

If you are comfortable with the rules and protocols you have in place, and she isn't interested in obeying,
it doesn't mean you aren't a good Dom and she is a horrible submissive. It just means the two of you aren't compatible.
And if you keep wanting to change yourself in order to meet her needs, who is in charge?




postmanh22 -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 2:37:54 PM)

I went to 3 munches and 2 events. All of which took my being new as a opportunity to play with my sub more than actually advise me how to control her and give her what she needs. I am open to any and all advice to any who have the time. I will take the bits and pieces that Icould directly apply to my situation. I'm just at a loss as to how to further dominate my sub given each situation. I don't need help with the how-to of toys or how to flog etc. I need to know how to.get her to respect and "fear" me as her dom. I already know Ihave her trust and communication but its hard to get useful information out of her as she shuts down when put on the spot with questions.



Kana -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 2:38:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: postmanh22

I have recently realized my role as a dom through my relationship with a very experienced sub. She made me realize how much of a fit I was for the position and how much she wants me to be her dominant. I have set up rules and protocols with rewards and non-physical punishments and some light physical ones. Recently she informed me that she doesn't respect me as her dom because I don't "scare her". Or in better terms Idont have complete control of her . At least Ibelieve that's what she means. Id like any and all help in the form of someone I can contact every so often with questions like "if she does this I should do this".to better assume control and receive obedience. Thank you in advance. Mod edit: email address removed

Tell her to shut the fuck up.
Seriously.
Take control of the situation, own it and make it yours.

Questions...
Do you stop because you want her to be kind, to like you?
Do you run the relationship or does she?
Do you keep her on a long leash or short (metaphorically speaking)?
Do you consistently follow through on your rules, guidance, regulations, structure, or do you let things slide?
Do you hold her 100% accountable? If the structure isn't sufficient, do you tighten when needed?


Because if not, you undercut your own integrity. Not only will she not e scared of you, she won't respect ya either.
Just saying.
I only know one way to be a dominant-My way or the highway.
She knows it. I know it. And that's the root of our relationship. And she knows the minute she doesn't want to play by those rules, that's it.
Now, there's a lot of other structure built around that base idea. But in a nutshell, that it.

Of course the fact that I like to play with pliers and nailguns and stuff, yeah, let's say I don't have much trouble with not scaring people enough.
But that's a whole nother discussion...



areallivehuman -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 3:27:34 PM)

When she shuts down and fails to communicate, tell her that is not acceptable. Then start asking questions. Sounds like she is asking you to step it up a bit.



BitaTruble -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 3:45:13 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: postmanh22

I need to know how to.get her to respect and "fear" me as her dom. I already know Ihave her trust and communication but its hard to get useful information out of her as she shuts down when put on the spot with questions.



Do a couple of interrogation scenes with her (that'll get your questions answered) and throw in a hot mind-fuck (for that fear factor) and see if that works.







sexyred1 -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 3:57:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

quote:

ORIGINAL: postmanh22
She made me realize how much of a fit I was for the position and how much she wants me to be her dominant. Recently she informed me that she doesn't respect me as her dom because I don't "scare her".

One thing that will do you a world of good is to realize, as you continue your growth, is that Dominance
and submission isn't as cut and dried as you'd like it to be. Meaning, there are no instructions to
insert Part A into Part C, and everything will be hunky dory.

I think you should also ask yourself how happy you would be in a relationship where the woman is
only obeying/submitting out of fear. Sure, it can make some scenes hot, but scenes only last so long.
I have no idea what's taken place for her to decide one day she wants you as her Dom, and now she
no longer respects you. Maybe she is a bratty type of submissive and she is hoping for more
physical punishments, in which case, again, where is your happiness in all of this?

If you are comfortable with the rules and protocols you have in place, and she isn't interested in obeying,
it doesn't mean you aren't a good Dom and she is a horrible submissive. It just means the two of you aren't compatible.
And if you keep wanting to change yourself in order to meet her needs, who is in charge?




Agreed. I wanted to say that not all submissive women like to be scared of their Dom. Some of us like being crazy about them, inspired by them and made to feel intensity, but fear is not one of them, for me at least.

If I am afraid of you, I lose interest.



LanceHughes -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 4:09:13 PM)

She might be "very experienced" as a slave, even though you write "as a sub." Maybe she wants you to be more of a Master. As some suggest above: Take control of the situation and make it yours.

As to her closing up as to suggested behavior from you..... well, slaves do NOT tell / suggest / negotiate and maybe closing up is her slave training coming forth. Military training give the good example: You can say "Yes, Sir" or "No, Sir" and that's ALL you can say. Asking her to say more might be EXACTLY why: "she informed [you] that she doesn't respect [you] as her dom because you don't 'scare her.'" Go all military on her ass - and out of the blue - that should scare her.

I've recently had to cut a chain collar since the "slave" said "No" one too many times.... Since he was total new-bie, I gave him a couple of chances. (Usually one "no" is one too many.) He tested me and I cut his collar. He's communicated with some other Masters via the 'net and guess what? He's spending the week-end here with a whole new paradigm between us. I've got such a soft spot for new-bies..... LOL! I'm going all military on his ass, BTW. I think his short-term MArine experience might be a DAMN fine "foundation" to work from.

Short answer: Move from Dom to Master. Take no prisoners. And don't take "No" for an answer - not even once.

ETA: as above:
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Agreed. I wanted to say that not all submissive women like to be scared of their Dom. Some of us like being crazy about them, inspired by them and made to feel intensity, but fear is not one of them, for me at least.

If I am afraid of you, I lose interest.

Military training: trust, respect, intensity, fearlessness, inspired, ...... hey! now how the FUCK am I supposed to hold off until that "broken collar" man gets here? LOL!

NOTE: fearlessness does NOT equal fear..... Of course.





lizi -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 4:11:20 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: postmanh22

I went to 3 munches and 2 events. All of which took my being new as a opportunity to play with my sub more than actually advise me how to control her and give her what she needs. I am open to any and all advice to any who have the time. I will take the bits and pieces that Icould directly apply to my situation. I'm just at a loss as to how to further dominate my sub given each situation. I don't need help with the how-to of toys or how to flog etc. I need to know how to.get her to respect and "fear" me as her dom. I already know Ihave her trust and communication but its hard to get useful information out of her as she shuts down when put on the spot with questions.


Thanks for the answer.
If the events you went to didn't go as you wished, did you try to change things up? Be that take charge person. You don't have to let anyone jump in to treat your sub as flavor of the day, you can meet people and get to know them personally in order to try to get the mentoring that you need instead of the specific techniques or how-to's.

Overall people are trying to tell you that Dominance is something that comes from within you, it's not a set phrase or course of action that your sub starts off and in which you follow through with a preprogrammed plan of action.

She shouldn't get the chance to shut down, you should ask for answers and expect to get them. Everything stops till she comes up with the answers. That's basic respect and it should happen in any relationship, people don't get a pass on not answering direct questions from their partner. No tips people can give you will work unless you have the lines of communication open with her. Do you really want her to do things out of fear? That doesn't sound real healthy.



DarkSteven -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 4:18:51 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: postmanh22

Recently she informed me that she doesn't respect me as her dom because I don't "scare her". Or in better terms Idont have complete control of her . At least Ibelieve that's what she means.


Uh oh. This sounds to me like she doesn't know what she wants but is positive that it's not you. She's asking you to change your very nature.

I've been down that road before and it ended with me trying to be someone I'm not, and both of us frustrated and angry.

I'd tell her what she sees is what she gets, and work out some kind of relationship based on that.



LafayetteLady -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 6:28:01 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven


quote:

ORIGINAL: postmanh22

Recently she informed me that she doesn't respect me as her dom because I don't "scare her". Or in better terms Idont have complete control of her . At least Ibelieve that's what she means.


Uh oh. This sounds to me like she doesn't know what she wants but is positive that it's not you. She's asking you to change your very nature.

I've been down that road before and it ended with me trying to be someone I'm not, and both of us frustrated and angry.

I'd tell her what she sees is what she gets, and work out some kind of relationship based on that.



Very good advice.

From what you wrote here, I would also say that she is the one in control and you are trying to jump through hoops to please her. That isn't going to work, and you really need to consider if that is the kind of woman you want to be with. Your profile says you didn't do things right and she left. Is this information correct? Because if it is, then cut your losses with her, and attend events to get to know yourself as a dominant better and find someone who likes the dominant you are most comfortable being.

Oh yea, and add me to the list of people who think it is a bad idea to have to "scare" her into submitting.



LadyPact -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/14/2013 7:46:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: postmanh22
I went to 3 munches and 2 events. All of which took my being new as a opportunity to play with my sub more than actually advise me how to control her and give her what she needs. I am open to any and all advice to any who have the time. I will take the bits and pieces that Icould directly apply to my situation. I'm just at a loss as to how to further dominate my sub given each situation. I don't need help with the how-to of toys or how to flog etc. I need to know how to.get her to respect and "fear" me as her dom. I already know Ihave her trust and communication but its hard to get useful information out of her as she shuts down when put on the spot with questions.

Maybe I wasn't clear enough. When I ask if you went to events, I don't mean play parties. I'm talking about actual educational events where the focus is on you learning something other than to swing a flogger.

By the way, I find it highly unlikely that you, in less than a year, know all the ins and outs of every kind of play. Heck, even I don't claim that and I've been in this game a whole lot longer than you. Have you considered the possibility that might be *why* you don't inspire the type of fear that you would like to have? You know. The fun type during play but isn't a fear in day to day life?

Respecting you and fearing you (the fun kind) are two different things. Knowledge is power and power derives respect. Particularly when one knows you intimately. If your drive is for education and you haven't found it, the girl still knows you're not educated, doesn't she? You can't build a house without a foundation.

Fear? Heck, fear is easy. Seriously, know what you're doing and do it in the right balance, you can scare the shit out of anybody. In the right circumstance, I'm a grab 'em by the throat kind of gal. Well, that and a few other tricks that I've learned over the years. Fear isn't terribly hard to obtain.

Really, though? I've been going to munches, etc for fifteen years and I've yet to attend the gathering where there wasn't at least one person in attendance who could teach Me something.



postmanh22 -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/15/2013 3:51:32 AM)

Sorry for the late reply but yes! This is the kind of info I was looking for. I have been lax on physical punishment because of our not so private living situation but we are moving somewhere more private and that won't be an issue. If I'm reading correctly if Ifollow through with stricter guidelines and punishment and a almost military style of discipline Ishould see vast improvements. Thank you all. Feel free to give further advice



Kana -> RE: need mentoring for intermediate level dom (6/15/2013 7:12:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: postmanh22

Sorry for the late reply but yes! This is the kind of info I was looking for. I have been lax on physical punishment because of our not so private living situation but we are moving somewhere more private and that won't be an issue. If I'm reading correctly if Ifollow through with stricter guidelines and punishment and a almost military style of discipline Ishould see vast improvements. Thank you all. Feel free to give further advice

It's not about punishment per see-it's about integrity. It's about saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It's about being the man you agreed to be when you said you could dominate her.
Which means keeping yourself accountable by keeping her accountable. It means earning her respect by being a man of your word. And most of all, it's about running the show, not letting the show run you.
But yeah, if you ever say something along the lines, "If you do X, Y will happen," Then you damn well better do Y if she does X (And she sounds like the type of gal who will test this, just to see what you will do).
Thoughts on this
-Who says consequences need to be physical. They can be mental, emotional and even the physical ones can be quiet-wash her mouth out with soap for backtalk and cussing, use nastier stuff if she lies, take away privileges (And I see everything almost everything a slave has/does as a privilege-things that others take for granted, I don't). There's only about a million billion ways to mete out a negative result that don't involve whips and chains.
-This will teach you discipline. Because these consequences, they bind you just as tightly as she. Threaten a result and you have just boxed yourself-you can fail to follow through, and lose her respect, or you have to mete out the stated results. No other choice. No middle ground. This will teach you to watch your words, which will make you not just a better dom but a better man.
-This is JMHO, and it's mine alone, but I think a little fear is a good thing for a slave to have (Note-I said a little. Not walking around in terror or on eggshells, but more like that feeling people talk about with God, immense respect mingled with awe and a smidgen of fear). When she asked you to be her dominant, you agreed/implied that you were capable of building that structure around her. Now she's asking, hell, begging once again, you to pout that in her life.
So do it.
But don't be a nice fucking guy. Love her enough to give her what she needs (And hopefully you want). Don't be cutting slack. Don't take excuses (Reasons are a different thing entirely though). Don't try and be kind so that she'll like you (Cuz she won't.Instead she'll start to resent you for selling her bridges made of air).
Make her slut ass yours. Own her all the way.
Fuck, treat her with the same 100% absoluteness that you would a puppy that you've taken responsibility for.
Personally, when I feel they're getting outta line, I drop em in "it" mode. Stop treating her like a person and in stead treat her like the thing that she is, just a set of holes for ravishing, flesh for torturing and lips for screaming from.Take her and do as I will with the cunt.
Which is a kinda awesome thing. I mean, really, for crying out loud, you're in a situation that millions of men across the world fantasize and dream about, while thousands of folk here whine about the numbers game and how hard it is to find a slave, you have one. You have a real, live human being who has come to you and said,"I'm yours, do with me as you will."
Fuck-does it get better than that?
And the sad reality is that most guys, they that when presented with the easiest best shit in the whole wide world, they fuck it up, usually because they're too pussy to seize the reins and take control of the cunt that way she needs (Note I didn't say want, but need).
So take her at her word. Ravage her. Plunder her. Rape her like a ship being boarded by a pirate horde. Bend her to your whim and will.
Because in the end, BDSM is about hitting that need inside-if you can't slake that she'll find someone who will-which is good, because I can train a monkey to beat someone with a whip, but it takes artistry, wit, guile, magic and wisdom to be a dom.

The best thing I ever heard about how to be a master were three basic rules
1-Be firm, but fair. Take no shit but don't be an asshole;
2-Be consistent. This might be the most important thing; and
3-Never miss an opportunity to positively support/reward good behavior. Cuz you get lots more with a carrot than a stick



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