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Dommes: Please help me understand - 6/14/2013 7:39:56 PM

ForwardMotion

Posts: 2
Joined: 6/12/2013
Status: offline

Hi -

I'm a 56 year old man who has been divorced for three months. Counting two years of monogamous dating, I was with the same woman in a vanilla relationship for 30 years. My ex is a very nice woman, but over the course of the marriage it became apparent that we were very different people moving in different directions. I discovered that beyond procreation, my wife had little interest in sex, so for me, there has been very little sex for the past 15 years, and none at all for the past 5. We tried everything to salvage the marriage, but in the end we waited for the last kid to finish high school and called it quits, more or less amicably.

As a believer in monogamy, I ended up viewing a lot of porn to keep my sanity and discovered femdom, which really brought to the surface a lot of forgotten childhood memories. As I became more aware of the world of kink and female domination, I recalled being aroused by powerful women when I was in grade school and not really understanding what those feelings were about. As more time passed, I realized that I had submissive feelings and had always had them.

Now I am single again and able to make a new life for myself. I know that vanilla is not for me, but I also have realized that all of the fetishes and kinks I know from online are just that: kinks and fetishes. I don't want to define myself through those. I want to find someone to share a life with, not just kinky activities. When I read profiles on CM, I tend to immediately discount the ones that are all about the fetishes because they scare me and don't really tell me anything about the people. The ones that say more about the who women are seem more realistic, but many seek experienced submissives,and I don't have a clue about what a real Domme/sub relationship is like. I am reluctant to define myself through a profile or contact any dommes until I understand what might be expected of a male sub in a REAL relationship. If this makes sense, I'd like to do whatever research and learning I can on my own and gain whatever knowledge and skills I can before I contact or meet anyone so I don't blow it unnecessarily through my own ignorance.

I went on AboutFLR.com because I thought that maybe that site was something that seemed less "fetish-y," but there's something about a lot of that site that reads like it was written by men with fantasies. Clearly, there is no one ideal Domme/sub relationship, but I would really appreciate it if any dommes or (or subs) reading this would give me some advice on how best to prepare myself. I'm not looking to become a public player, or a "player" at all, really. I'm not interested in going to professional dommes unless you all think I need to get experience in various activities just so that I'm not a total novice when I do contact people. I am looking for a real relationship with a real woman who shares my interests, femdom most importantly among them.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?

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RE: Dommes: Please help me understand - 6/14/2013 8:12:15 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

You said that the dominants that seem to be more realistic want experienced submissives. While that may be the case for some, it isn't for all of us. Some of us may in fact find a less experienced submissive easier to train, rather than to unlearn all that he may have been taught or involved in before. Some don't care what your experience level is and will look for other things about you that speak to them.

There are no set rules or ways of doing things that would fit every dominant or person.

If you are afraid, try to figure out what you are afraid of and then learn as much about that as you can. Make friends with some dominants, meet as people first, read selectively and find dominant women that you can respect or find attractive that you can watch on the forum, their journals or meet in person and absorb what you see. Process it all in a manner that you feel comfortable with.

I've known men that pictured things in their mind and were afraid, they focused on it, they didn't process it other than to feel fear and it built up so much that they wouldn't move forward. Or they would start things and stop them by running, without ever speaking about their fears with the dominants they were getting to know. A few believed what they wanted to believe, rather than what the domina said and one for sure, that I knew better, couldn't see passed his own belief and projections.

Get out of your head. That doesn't mean to not think about things, but get out of your thoughts that may consume and take some action. It is hard to get stuck in your head if you are participating in some manner.

Unhide your profile. Relax. Nothing has to happen right away and you are just out of a long term relationship and need time anyway. Don't let fear or projections prevent you from knowing dominant ladies that may be very different than you picture them. See the woman... know other women... and as you get comfortable, you can know more on how to proceed. You don't have to cater to someone or do anything that you dont' want to do, to have someone in your life. You find a good fit only by living true to yourself and finding someone else that can see you, just as you see her.

< Message edited by Rawni -- 6/14/2013 8:13:16 PM >

(in reply to ForwardMotion)

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RE: Dommes: Please help me understand - 6/14/2013 8:35:38 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

I'm not a Domme, but I think you're of to a good start looking beyond the fetish and wanting a relationship. It will just take time. Learn a great deal and define your own relationships. You don't have to rush into any relationship if you aren't ready, take some time, learn some things, make some friends.

This is really great advice:

quote:

You don't have to cater to someone or do anything that you dont' want to do, to have someone in your life. You find a good fit only by living true to yourself and finding someone else that can see you, just as you see her.

(in reply to Rawni)

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RE: Dommes: Please help me understand - 6/14/2013 10:41:21 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

As Rawni pointed out, not all of us are "experienced only need apply" dominants. I deal in new people more than I do experienced ones and in many ways its a good thing.

It's not so much about trying to mold yourself into what you think someone else wants you to be. It's more about knowing who you are and then finding someone that compliments you...and of course you her. Don't live up to some perceived "weal twue submissive" standard. You create your own realness and though it may take some time to find, someone will see you for who YOU are and be okay with that. Be genuine. Be YOU.

You learn by experience, not through a fear of failing. Fear can create inactivity, which it doesn't sound like you want. I do think that a relationship is a real possibility. The Chinese philosopher Lao-Tzu once said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single. Go ahead and take that first step

(in reply to shiftyw)

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RE: Dommes: Please help me understand - 6/15/2013 1:45:04 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Hi,

First thing, it makes it hard if you are "profile not found". I went and looked just on the off-chance you were here in Australia :-) I am an experienced Domme looking for a submissive and I am more than happy to work with someone who does not have prior experience. As has been said, that's a heck of a lot easier than undoing what someone else has trained them to do/say/behave.

I was impressed by the way you wrote. Clear-minded, intelligible, well constructed writing - yay! Fetish and kink isn't all you seek. Double yay! It's possible you have no idea how fed up We Dommes get of guys expecting Us to be their walking-talking-boot-wearing-fetish-delivery system! Many of Us are also seeking real and lasting relationships in which the power balance is clearly defined and in which both parties operate to the betterment of both. Trust Me, you have a lot going for you with your approach and attitude.

So, words of wisdom - create a simple profile (there's lots of advice on previous threads about how to do this ... and what NOT to include!), and release it for viewing. Do a bit of searching of Domme profiles, preferably close enough to be able to meet in the flesh without major issues, and politely approach those who are seeking WITH WHOM YOU FEEL RAPPORT. Don't approach all and sundry, be choosy. In your note make it clear you have read Her profile, and say what about it interests you. If you can ask a polite question as a new person to the scene, so much the better, gives Her something to write about. If you get the odd one that doesn't reply, says something crazy or whatever ... don't take it personally and move forward (great choice of name). Stay on the boards here, lots of experienced people with great advice.

Good luck! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to ForwardMotion)

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RE: Dommes: Please help me understand - 6/15/2013 2:54:46 AM

ThoughtfulSwitch

Posts: 63
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline

I got here on accident (as the collar turned) and I want to thank you for your reply, MaamJay!
This pretty much points out what is merely seen. These stereotypes are like a subtle topping from the bottom and are bothering many Dommes as far as I know.
Me on the other hand I'm always glad to hear about one representing this attitude.
Thanks for adding some shades of grey (no pun intended

) to this dichotone b/w-stereotypes!

ForwardMotion, this woman gives good advice about the imho only way of a working and psychologically healthy LTR. Never forget this requires *real* people outside the bedroom as well; being dominant 24/7 is a lot of work as far as I can say - not even to speak of dressing up.

You will learn to read the profiles (just as people in real life) and know quite soon who is in for the money, for the fun - or for more. The next step is trial and error; just like in a regular relationship. My best wishes to you, finding what you look for!

(in reply to MaamJay)

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RE: Dommes: Please help me understand - 6/15/2013 9:39:57 AM

SpyUnderCover

Posts: 208
Joined: 6/21/2010
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To what's already been said I would add that you go back into the archives in any of the boards here that interest you. Read lots of threads, again choosing any subject headings that pique your interest. That will give you at least a general idea of what to expect, what kinds of questions to ask a domme and what might be asked of you, and what activities you may like to try. Good luck.

Spy

(in reply to ThoughtfulSwitch)

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RE: Dommes: Please help me understand - 6/15/2013 1:08:27 PM

njlauren

Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
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First of all, I want to commend you on your post, it was well thought out and you described really well where you are and what you are looking for, and quite frankly, you could put what you wrote in a profile and I suspect you would find you got some decent responses on it, among other things, it shows you are looking for a person who happens to be a dominant woman (or at the least, eager to explore that role), and you define yourself as someone looking for a relationship as a relationship first and foremost, with the rest as the 'supporting players' so to speak. By saying it isn't all kink and fetish, you are saying you want a real person, not someone dressed to please you doing what you want done:).

Online sites like this and FL are good to get your feet wet, and maybe, just maybe gain some experience, but I would also recommend maybe you should try checking out and seeing if there are any local groups you can check out, maybe Munches (fetlife has nice listings of local groups and such).
At a munch you can meet real people, and even if they themselves aren't single/available, ya never know, friends of mine got matched up by people at munches, so you never know:). People do meet through groups, so it is probably better then simply relying online.

As a sub, the other thing to keep in mind is you might actually find a woman out there who while not labelling herself as domme, could very well have gotten curious about it, wondered about it, and there is a chance to explore. There are dating sites out there for older folks like you and I, and you could put a personal ad on there and couch it that you are looking for a woman who enjoys her sexuality and that you are seeking someone who is curious about exploring role dynamics with her taking more the dominant role. Despite all the groaning about 50 tons of Money out there, it has opened some women's eyes, so it may not be as difficult as you think to find someone not in the community right now, who is wiling to grow into with you, and having done that myself, it has its charms, believe me:)

(in reply to SpyUnderCover)

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RE: Dommes: Please help me understand - 6/15/2013 1:34:52 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

You already are in the right place, because you recognize that you are not in a porno. That said, the next misconception you need to let go of is that there is some sort of Rulebook For Sub Men In A Real Relationship. There isn't one. When you get into a relationship, it starts like any other one, and then BOTH of you create your own dynamic.

This ain't bartending either. There's no class for you to go to in order to learn basics and practice before getting out there. You're just going to have to start talking to women (gasp!)

(in reply to njlauren)

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RE: Dommes: Please help me understand - 6/15/2013 1:55:31 PM

SwitchNSpanky

Posts: 418
Joined: 5/28/2013
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Looks like the Ladies have givin you some great advice. I'm not able to add much in that regard. I can offer you some encouragement tho. It goes like this. There are an assuredly far more kinky Ladies out there than you probably imagine right now, and they have an untold verity of kinks. Somewhere, you will find the one your looking for. Good luck man!

(in reply to ForwardMotion)

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