MistressDarkArt
Posts: 5178
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I'm late to the party as usual, but I want to share my story with you, Dreamer.
Several years ago I was on top of my game. 3 jobs, 2 partners, and a 49-year old body that seemed to defy the aging process. I lived to contra dance, swim, hike, kayak, ride my motorcycle and did something active-sometimes several things-every single day. I literally defined myself by my ability to actively move.
Then a series of mysterious and extremely debilitating health problems began and the medical community mismanaged it from day one. I underwent unnecessary surgeries and procedures and survived minute to minute in acute pain. I couldn't walk, let alone dance or do any other of my usual activities. I had to retire. On top of that, I lost several significant family members in a short period and thought I would be buried by grief. I thought about giving up completely, but my two cats needed their mom so I would use whatever iota of energy afforded me that day to feed and care for them. I alienated my long-term partners because I was their dominant and didn't want them to see me in this diminished condition. Fortunately, they knew me better than I knew myself and helped as they could while still keeping a respectful distance.
The best advice I got was from a hospice counselor, who told me when cataclysmic upheavals occur and life as we know it gets thrown up in the air, let go the idea that everything will fall back into place as it was. It was time for a redefinition, and reinvention using what is now, not what was then.
Slowly, I learned to use what I had available. Instead of dancing and hiking, I started restorative yoga classes that fit my new 'abilities'. I found all kinds of relief and healing through this: physical, emotional, even spiritual. I learned chronic pain and stress deplete your adrenal glands, and took steps to bring them into balance. When I resisted the use of an antidepressant, the pharmacist explained how they work using this metaphor: 3 folks work together running a business. When two of them are constantly out sick, the last person standing has to do everything for all three, guaranteeing failure. The medicine chemically puts back the other two folks. So I allowed a half-dose of an SSRI and by the end of the first week I began to feel hopeful and make progress.
I too was prescribed opioids for pain, and I loved them. They didn't make me high or euphoric, but they made me feel more energetic and able to reclaim my life little by little. I was loathe to give them up when gradually things improved, but the combination of the lifestyle changes, antidepressant, LETTING GO OF THE OLD WAYS and rediscovering myself were working and I was moving forward. I won't lie and say getting off them was a picnic, but my old determination was firing up again and I tapered off in 10 days. I missed the energy they gave me, and the comfort of taking a pill every time I felt I couldn't function without them. I doubled the restorative/detox yoga efforts to help deal with the process, and it took a full 2 months completely without them to feel I was really starting to get back to the person I knew and loved. But I did it, and completely on my own. When I next saw my doctor and he pulled out the prescription pad, I told him I hadn't had any in 3 months, didn't need or want it any more, and fired him as my 'pain management guy' because I had learned to provide my own relief. After a near-fatal bleed-out from long-term nsaid use, I even had to stop those so now there is absolutely nothing on board for pain. I still hurt every day of the week, but it is manageable through rest, heat, yoga, and meditation.
I think the most important lesson I learned from those challenging years was to stop living in the past and not to devote too much worry to the future. Now, the first question I ask on awakening is: what can I do today? Hmmm, I can do a short, flat walk. I can meditate. I can listen to an audiobook while I lie on a heating pad with my legs elevated and my furry, purry kitty on my tummy. That's it for today, and all those things sound damn good. It's going to be a great day!
So...my advice is (with your medic's approval of course): Don't let go of the opiates just yet, but look into a mild antidepressant and give it time to do its work. It might take a few tries on different stuff 'til you find what fits you best. You may not need full 'therapeutic' doses so work with your doc to titrate until you get relief while minimizing side effects. Have your adrenal function checked; with everything you are going through my guess is you are in depletion. Exercise to the best of your ability without strain. Learn to meditate. Yoga comes in many forms; there is something right for everyone even if all you can do is sit in a chair or lie on the floor. Yoga will also teach you meditation, and bring you back into balance. It brought me from a broken hulk lurching across the living room with a cane in each hand back to someone I feel happy to be. I returned to most of my activities; perhaps not at the same intensity but I no longer feel driven or dependent on my ability to cover ground for happiness.
Once you are more centered and back in balance, you may feel confident enough that you can let the opiates go. There's no need to do an expedited taper-down as I did (I was just determined and had a point to prove), and your doctor can help you with that so it isn't too horrendous.
Of course you want to love and be loved. Of course you want to serve. As you've discovered, what's going on in your body doesn't change that desire and there's no reason you should be deprived. But loving starts with yourself and your outlook. Take care of yourself first, then the rest will fall into place.
Feel free to pm on the other side if I can be of further assistance. I've been there, and what helped most was hearing from someone who made it through to the other side where the joy returned. I wish you joy!
PS: You can do yoga classes at home, using online yoga sites. They are a godsend and inexpensive or free. Three to check out are:
yogaglo.com
myyogaonline.com
doyogawithme.com
They all have a search box to match classes which focus on whatever issue you would like to address, at whatever level you are capable.
< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 7/31/2013 1:40:11 PM >
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RE: Anyone else feel like giving up sometimes? - 
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Good luck and if you need support message me and i'm there for you 
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