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Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 2:32:45 AM

robertodom1

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Talking with some submissives, I heard often that they wanted to know "what kind of Master I am"... difficult question, I think... because I think(but I may make a mistake for I have no experience) that a D/s relationship is made by two people, the Master and the slave, and the slave has a role in deciding how the relationship should be... So I wanted to ask if I should have a strong idea of what I want and make the sub accept my vision of the relationship or if I should "decide with the sub" what kind of relationship we'll have. Thanks to who'll answer :)

Post #: 1

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 3:05:45 AM

petitespot

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From: Surfside Beach, SC
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How about trying to get to know someone as a person first and then let the relationship flow it's natural course.

(in reply to robertodom1)

Post #: 2

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 4:57:26 AM

robertodom1

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Joined: 6/17/2013
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I'm a little afraid about talking about BDSM with vanilla girls... so I try to talk with people who are already in this world... but often I have to deal with people who are experienced (or talk as if they were) and are not very open to talk... they put their experience as a wall... and I'm not able to go across it :)

(in reply to petitespot)

Post #: 3

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 5:00:34 AM

DarkSteven

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You have no experience. You cannot do either option because you don't know as yet.

Be honest. Answer with the vanilla things that you know you like, and say what kind of kinky things that you're currently interested in. Say that you want someone to grow with and explore.

Also - you are NOT a Master. You're very likely a Dom. Part of what makes a Master is experience at a high level.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to petitespot)

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RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 5:05:35 AM

robertodom1

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Well, I read a lot about the difference between a Master and a Dom... on an italian forum, a user wrote a very long text in which he said that there were no need of experience to call himself a Master because this term refers to a role we don't have in everyday life, but that we have only in our relationship... that's the reason why I call myself a master, but I know that other people(as you, DarkSteven) think that the term master refers to someone who has experience... well, I don't know what point of view is correct... I want to dominate, that's the only thing I know :)

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 5

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 5:32:08 AM

robertodom1

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Joined: 6/17/2013
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then, probably there's a language problem... in the italian language there aren't two different words to say master and dom :)

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Post #: 6

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 5:41:28 AM

cutiewithabootie

Posts: 88
Joined: 6/16/2013
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If you will excuse my interuption, about being approached by a male Dominant. I find Male Dominants intimidating. If you approached me and started talking about sadistic things you want to do, before I know your name, I will walk away.

Its nothing personal, but this ain't my first rodeo and you ain't the first set of spurs I came across. Sometimes male Dominants (and ladies too) seem to come on wayy too strong and ruin my intrest. On the other hand if you insist on approaching vanilla women I would ask he about her fantasies and build from there.

For example, if she is into role playing, choose a role that places you in authority. Test the water a little bit and introduce new kinks gradually. Just don't mention 50 shades or she may puke on you by mistake lmao

(in reply to robertodom1)

Post #: 7

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 5:52:35 AM

robertodom1

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Joined: 6/17/2013
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well... I try not to approach subs talking about sadistic things... I think that we are human, before being Doms and subs, and each person need respect, always... then, thanks for your tips about talking with vanilla girls... I'll try to do this :)

(in reply to cutiewithabootie)

Post #: 8

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 6:44:04 AM

sexyred1

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The problem with many new and experienced Doms is that they try to bypass the getting to know you process and leap to the BDSM stuff.

Try connecting with a woman as a person first.

(in reply to robertodom1)

Post #: 9

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 6:53:31 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: robertodom1

then, probably there's a language problem... in the italian language there aren't two different words to say master and dom :)

It's possible to make a distinction in Spanish. Master/dom translates to Amo (Ama = Mistress). But if a woman says "Mi Senor," it means something different from Amo. Closer to Owner, My Lord. So there may be similar distinctions in Italian as well.

Also, the history of American BDSM is quite a bit different from the history of European BDSM. American BDSM grew out of post-war gay leather clubs. Those clubs had a lot of war veterans in them, so hierarchy was something they were used to, and members could earn titles like "Master." So that affects how a lot of people in the US see the word today. European and Asian BDSM have very different roots.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to robertodom1)

Post #: 10

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 6:54:33 AM

tazzygirl

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quote:

So I wanted to ask if I should have a strong idea of what I want and make the sub accept my vision of the relationship or if I should "decide with the sub" what kind of relationship we'll have. Thanks to who'll answer :)

"make the sub accept"

lol..sorry... its sorta funny to me... You can hope, pray, wish or demand, ultimately, her/him accepting is their decision. They, like you, have the option of walking away.

What would be a wiser course of action is to decide what you want... do you want a friend, a lover, a submissive, a slave, a combination of all of them, or only some of them. Yes, a slave can be a friend and a lover as well. She can be a slave in the bedroom, sub out of it. She can be a slave all the time, someone you simply have to enjoy, or someone you want to share a life with. The possibilities and combinations are endless.

You also need to do some introspection to know what your own kinks are, which ones are necessary (a need), which ones are negotiable (a want) and which ones are simply a no.

Do you think you want more than one sub/slave? It might be a deal breaker for some, others seek out just that kind of relationship.

The list goes on and on. But, first, you have to decide what kind of man you are inside before you can ever hope to articulate that to anyone else.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to robertodom1)

Post #: 11

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 7:00:07 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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You are far too new to answer the question of what type of dominant you are. Sure, spending some time on introspection on the subject couldn't hurt, but real time experience would serve you so much better.

I've been doing this for a little while, and what I liked when I was 25, and what I like now are very different. I've grown and changed and evolved, as people are supposed to do.

Who I am as a switch with both a dominant and submissive side has changed drastically. I learned what I thought I wanted, I didn't want. I learned what I didn't know I needed, I do need.

This can only be learned from experience.

JMO

_____________________________

(in reply to robertodom1)

Post #: 12

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 7:43:06 AM

goodgirlmary

Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
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I think weve discussed this before. Dont try sooo hard. Figure out what you might be into,but figure out what your goal is.if it is a kinky relationship, build the relationship first. Meet a girl, get connected, sneek in somemildthings (like choking) and go from there. If yourconcern ismore for title or control, maybe find someone inexperiencedto practice on, go to a munch
?,or maybe shadow a master. They will train you. Orrrrrrr, serve a master and see what he does.Some are nice, some are jerks. You can still be pretty hardcore demeaning to a sub and leave them with the impression you are a nice guy, or do mostly beginner stuff and have them hate you for cruelty. It seems like people who served are more the first.if I were you, Id think this shit out and find a path appropriate.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 13

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 8:59:06 AM

robertodom1

Posts: 31
Joined: 6/17/2013
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quote:

It's possible to make a distinction in Spanish. Master/dom translates to Amo (Ama = Mistress). But if a woman says "Mi Senor," it means something different from Amo. Closer to Owner, My Lord. So there may be similar distinctions in Italian as well.

Also, the history of American BDSM is quite a bit different from the history of European BDSM. American BDSM grew out of post-war gay leather clubs. Those clubs had a lot of war veterans in them, so hierarchy was something they were used to, and members could earn titles like "Master." So that affects how a lot of people in the US see the word today. European and Asian BDSM have very different roots.

Thank you for this, that was very interesting :) Well, goodgirlmary, I know I should find a Mentor... you're right, that would be the best way to begin... but unfortunately here in Italy there's not plenty of Masters :(

(in reply to goodgirlmary)

Post #: 14

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 8:59:55 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

Being very new and having no experience, I think it's more important for you to figure out who you are before you can explain that to someone else. It's not about dragging someone towards your vision or having them drag you to their vision. It's figuring out who you are and then finding someone who shares a similar vision. If you aren't a sadist, a relationship with a masochist isn't going to be very fulfilling, etc. You can't make someone be something they aren't just to suit you...and you shouldn't be something you aren't just to suit someone else. So figure you out first and that will help you to define why it is you are looking for. Realizing you are dominant is only the first step in a long journey.

I've been doing this for a good bit of time myself (about 18 years if I've done the math right) and like CP, who I was back then was amateur hour compared to who I am now. It was only with time and experience that I could begin to define who I was and what I was about in more than the most basic terms.

There really isn't anything wrong with telling someone the truth. I think that saying "well, Im new to kink and still discovering who I am, but areas Im interested in right now include <fill in the blank>" is perfectly acceptable.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 6/17/2013 9:19:56 AM >

(in reply to goodgirlmary)

Post #: 15

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 9:17:42 AM

robertodom1

Posts: 31
Joined: 6/17/2013
Status: offline

I know what you mean... and I'm beginning to ask me questions, to decide what I want... for now, I discovered I'm not a sadist and that I like ponyplay and dog training... I hope I'll discover more in the future :)

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 16

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 1:50:27 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: robertodom1

Talking with some submissives, I heard often that they wanted to know "what kind of Master I am"... difficult question, I think... because I think(but I may make a mistake for I have no experience) that a D/s relationship is made by two people, the Master and the slave, and the slave has a role in deciding how the relationship should be... So I wanted to ask if I should have a strong idea of what I want and make the sub accept my vision of the relationship or if I should "decide with the sub" what kind of relationship we'll have. Thanks to who'll answer :)

I've always found that I don't have to show her what kind of man I am, I do it through conversation.
As for your question, find a gal who shares your vision (Or at least is receptive to living it) of what a relationship should/can/will be and you won't have to deal.
The problem will have resolved itself. You dictate, and she obeys, because it's what (and this is soooooooo mission critical) both of you want.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to robertodom1)

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RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 2:07:39 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: robertodom1
on an italian forum, a user wrote a very long text in which he said that there were no need of experience to call himself a Master because this term refers to a role we don't have in everyday life, but that we have only in our relationship

Master either refers to someone that "owns" property or has achieved a level of skill. Since you have neither..then most will not view you as a Master. The best description that I've ever heard was, until someone else calls you Master, you're not one.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 6/17/2013 2:08:30 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to robertodom1)

Post #: 18

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/17/2013 2:29:47 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If she isn't interested, and you try forcing her, expect her to call the police.
Figure out what you want and find someone who wants the same things. Otherwise it's as though you're both sitting in the same car arguing where you want to go. If she wants to go to Verona then it's no use you telling her she should want to go to Rome because that's where you want to go. You have to be on the same page.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 19

RE: Dealing or imposing? - 6/18/2013 4:51:41 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: robertodom1

I'm a little afraid about talking about BDSM with vanilla girls... so I try to talk with people who are already in this world... but often I have to deal with people who are experienced (or talk as if they were) and are not very open to talk... they put their experience as a wall... and I'm not able to go across it :)

Well are you speaking to them like real breathing people or kink delivery systems that should give you short cuts? How do you know these are strictly vanilla girls? & "have to deal with more experienced people" to me doesn't come across as someone i would be too motivated to help either.

If you are unwilling to make use of the ever so kinky & scary google to find one of the hundreds of educational books, websites, seminars,or munches available, then I would question how serious you are. While mentoring & education are historically part of WIITWD its not other dominants job to spoon feed you the answers!! This is how people get hurt. "Uber doms" claim to have been "trained by MasterDomlyDomKingof AllheSurveys" (usually noted or respected dom in community or completely made up) to get super sub in bed with them. They play, he tries edge play he has ZERO experience in & sub gets perminantly injured. "But he had seal of approval from MDD boo hoo" gets flung around & well respected dom not only didn't train uber-dom but many times has no idea who the guy is (or spoke generically in passing at an event). Whose reputation do you think takes the beating?
Uberdom has now changed to Lord Domly & from CL to Fet or craigslist & the cycle repeats.
If it was the first time or even the 100th it might be easier...BUT, I'm more inclined to help someone that says "I need help knowing how far is too far with a crop? Or what kind of crop/switch/stick would accomplish x" than I would creepy shy dude staring at me all night then asking me to "tell him all about kink"

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to robertodom1)

Post #: 20

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