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will the longing ever stop? - 6/17/2013 3:07:23 PM

mrpoirot

Posts: 5
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline

This is my first post. Before this, I never posted here because I am located out of the US and do not have many options so never indulged much.

I have been submissive all my life. Will be 30 years old in some time. This all started with an urge to serve someone and it keeps getting multi-layered with more and more things adding in. But recently, the urge has become somewhat sad. I have such a longing to serve someone and though I would love to think positive but there is no sight of me finding anyone. But this longing is really going deep inside me now and I feel as I will die with my music inside me. I have a friend, she talks to me about her bf and their lifestyle etc. I have noticed that it makes me want that kind of connection in my life too. Previously, it was envy, but now its a deep urge and a deep need.

My question is, there are people much older than me on this forum. Does this longing eventually go away or will it get deeper? How does one deal with that emptiness? Moreover, does anyone else feel the same?

I work and I exercise. So I try and do the basic things right but this longing is with me all the time.

Edited: I know my profile is not the best one. I ask this as a life issue, which I am having at the amount. I will improve my profile too. I would be thankful if you can talk about it by thinking what if I have no CM profile. Then how should I cope with this.

Can anyone please comment?

< Message edited by mrpoirot -- 6/17/2013 3:36:32 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/17/2013 3:12:10 PM

TNDommeK

Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

Hi there, don't worry. These things take time. You have a great photo on your profile, but add one with your face so the viewer will know what you look like.

_____________________________

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Our snark-nado needs more cowbell

(in reply to mrpoirot)

Post #: 2

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/17/2013 3:16:43 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

It is much harder to find someone in your area when you list yourself as being in Pennsylvania, which is in the USA.
I suggest you correct your location.

You may have better luck connecting with people in your general area via Fetlife.

I can not tell if you are a kink-fetish based person or if you are service based.
Going strictly by your profile, I am guessing the former, but i may be wrong.

If you are at all service based, then finding some place or agency where you can donate time and skills, might help with feeling adrift and helping others would probably be a good remedy for feeling as lonely as you do.

edit add missing word

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 6/17/2013 3:42:50 PM >

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Post #: 3

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/17/2013 3:22:44 PM

mrpoirot

Posts: 5
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline

Thanks "angelikaJ" . I was really talking about a general in life feeling that I have. Thanks for pointing out the location. I was in Pennsylvania for some time in Jan so changed at that time and I have come back just to ask this question so never changed it. I will do it.

Great idea about helping others out. I can surely do something about that in the evenings. By the way, its a combination of service+fetish for me.

@Miss TNDOMMEK thanks for your kind words. Again, this is a problem for me which is really keeping me down. Sharing a picture is risky to the level of becoming infamous in where I live. I usually share my picture when I message Dommes. Thanks for your kindness. :)

< Message edited by mrpoirot -- 6/17/2013 3:25:39 PM >

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 4

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/17/2013 3:27:23 PM

dcnovice

Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline

FR

I'm on the cusp of 50, and my longing has not waned.

Others, more experienced, will offer advice on meeting folks and connecting with them. Meantime, I'll weigh in on something I do know about: editorial issues in your profile.

The name "profile" is a bit of a misnomer. You might profit from thinking of it as an ad or sales pitch. Put yourself in the stilettos of a dominant woman coming across your profile. She's wondering at least in part, "How can this man serve me?" As written, your profile doesn't really answer that, so you may wan to consider some retooling. I'd also think hard about cutting the negative stuff about financial domination. Everyone knows that everyone else dislikes it. You're not breaking new ground, and you run the risk of sounding whiny.

Being gay, I've never searched for a woman here, but I'm told the following offers great advice:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1717756/tm.htm

All the best for your search!

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 5

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/17/2013 3:35:24 PM

mrpoirot

Posts: 5
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline

Thank you. I really got in today because I was down so I have returned back after some time. I was asking this as a long term advice in life. I get what you are saying about my profile and I will work on it. It's a result of me thinking that no one wants a sub thousands of mile away. :)

But I take your point. Thanks for all the suggestion. Removing the financial points right now.

(in reply to dcnovice)

Post #: 6

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/17/2013 5:10:52 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mrpoirot

This is my first post. Before this, I never posted here because I am located out of the US and do not have many options so never indulged much.

I have been submissive all my life. Will be 30 years old in some time. This all started with an urge to serve someone and it keeps getting multi-layered with more and more things adding in. But recently, the urge has become somewhat sad. I have such a longing to serve someone and though I would love to think positive but there is no sight of me finding anyone. But this longing is really going deep inside me now and I feel as I will die with my music inside me. I have a friend, she talks to me about her bf and their lifestyle etc. I have noticed that it makes me want that kind of connection in my life too. Previously, it was envy, but now its a deep urge and a deep need.

My question is, there are people much older than me on this forum. Does this longing eventually go away or will it get deeper? How does one deal with that emptiness? Moreover, does anyone else feel the same?

I work and I exercise. So I try and do the basic things right but this longing is with me all the time.

Edited: I know my profile is not the best one. I ask this as a life issue, which I am having at the amount. I will improve my profile too. I would be thankful if you can talk about it by thinking what if I have no CM profile. Then how should I cope with this.

Can anyone please comment?

Nice post.

It gets better :)

(Honest).

(in reply to mrpoirot)

Post #: 7

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/17/2013 5:16:11 PM

MyWay1954

Posts: 23
Joined: 8/3/2011
Status: offline

I'm at 60, it doesn't lessen, hasn't in 40+ years anyway.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 8

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/17/2013 5:25:18 PM

LanceHughes

Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline

At 60+ and a Dom, I can tell you that the "longings" (as you call them) have never gone away and I hope they never will.

I truly believe that we are all wired with a BDSM gene , just as gays are wired with a gay gene.
Nobody came up to me and said "Oh, it's pick your life day. Gay or straight?"

Your longings are part of how you are!!!!
You MUST act on them.

Gays typically move from rural US locations to urban ones and never look back.

That is all.
Regards, Lance

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to MyWay1954)

Post #: 9

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/17/2013 5:55:21 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

You didn't quite as the right question.

In your case, the longer you don't do this the more layers of fantasy you put between you and reality. Get out there and LIVE, date vanilla women, explore kink with them, screw up, fsil, do it again but LIVE for the moment. The people here who live this,with long term partners dont live in high heels and leather chaps, that is a fantasy.

(in reply to LanceHughes)

Post #: 10

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/17/2013 6:11:30 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
You didn't quite as the right question.

In your case, the longer you don't do this the more layers of fantasy you put between you and reality. Get out there and LIVE, date vanilla women, explore kink with them, screw up, fsil, do it again but LIVE for the moment. The people here who live this,with long term partners dont live in high heels and leather chaps, that is a fantasy.

A different take on the above. I think it also comes down to the longer you don't do this, the more you are going to obsess about the fact that you are not doing this, which makes the longing that you mention, OP, seem greater and greater. The greater it gets, the more you are becoming sad because your desires are so great. It's very similar to the cycle of obsession and compulsion. Part of the problem is that dwelling on it actually is making you want it more because you can't have it.

The reason that I quoted Michael is because, though we may be seeing the problem from different angles, we're actually pretty close together on how to have a solution. When you spend your life concentrating on what you don't have, life really is passing you by. You're missing out on the stuff you can have because you are caught up in what you can't obtain.

OP, you don't mention why you were in PA in January. Do you have other plans to locations where there are possible opportunities? Whether that be vacation or work related trips, why couldn't you get a taste of some BDSM during your travels? If you did that, you might break that cycle of obsession and compulsion that you feel is consuming you.

Will the desires go away? Hard to say. Some folks have kink as an option and other folks feel that they need it. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to tell you which type you are.

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 11

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/17/2013 7:56:47 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

For some it goes away.

For others it stays with them.

We can't say which it will be for you. It depends on you and your life circumstances.

I have found that as I get older I really don't need the play/kink but I will always need a dominant personality man in my life.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 6/17/2013 7:59:42 PM >

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 12

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/18/2013 2:44:19 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

FR
If you can't be honest about what state or country you are in, I personally would question your ability to be honest period. NOT a selling point in your favor. While I understand fear, especially of you are deployed military, there are a number of folks regularly on here that manage to be both discreet & active duty.
"Domme wanting you thousands of miles away" again depends on where that is. Its impossible to meet the girl next door, if she has no idea you are there!

This "happy friend of yours you want to be like", is she someone you envy/lust or someone you can talk to? If she's kinky & happy, i guess I'm missing what the issue with connecting to your local community is? ASK HER! While I personally would be uncomfortable with vanillas I know at a play party, I have been known to attend a munch or gathering to hold a friends hand.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
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(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 13

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/18/2013 3:18:59 AM

goodgirlmary

Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline

Mine started late,I expect it will stick about.

These munches are on a website called fetlife.ivenever gone, but I know everyine here posts a lot about them..

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 14

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/18/2013 7:37:14 AM

mrpoirot

Posts: 5
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline

@LanceHughes Thanks for your comments. Your post is very clear and makes sense. I think I am taking one step towards acting on it. That I will mention in my response to the next posters. :)

@SimplyMichael There is some lack of opportunity in my area for all that. It really is difficult here. But I am planning to move to another country.

@LadyPact Thanks for your response. Interesting that you asked about relocation. In the last few months, I have decided that I will move either to Canada or Australia. That should change a lot of things for me hopefully. I usually travel for meetings so I do not get time. But this time I almost set up some meetings in London, but they did not work out.

@littlewonder Thanks. I exactly know what you are talking about related to having a dominant person in your life.

@theRose4u thanks. As I mentioned above, I have come back after a long time. I did not notice unless the location was pointed out. And I fixed it. Now about the woman I talk to, she does not attend any parties. She is the only one out of many women that I have talked to who is interested in this lifestyle. We do not have munches here. They would be fatal

@goodgirlmary Thanks. No munches where I live. But I will move and things shall change.

(in reply to goodgirlmary)

Post #: 15

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/18/2013 10:53:48 AM

goodgirlmary

Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline

I thought there werent any here too.apparentely you just have to find them

(in reply to mrpoirot)

Post #: 16

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/18/2013 4:26:47 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

If you feel the need to serve then volunteer. I help out my local community, and several food and animal shelters as well as an organization called catnip that helps with fostering hard to place cats.

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to goodgirlmary)

Post #: 17

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/19/2013 9:11:21 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I'm one of those older people (I'm 48) and from my own personal perspective, the need (I prefer this to the word 'longing') for a D/s relationship has not lessened, but it has changed.

When I was in my 20s I dated a lot. I dated really nice guys and real assholes, but they all had one thing in common - there was a certain 'something' missing from the relationship that I couldn't define but which eventually killed the relationships for me.

In my early 30s I made the conscious decision to stop dating. I didn't think it was fair to the guy to date them long enough for them to become seriously emotionally involved, then for me to end the relationship with no real reason behind it. Or at least, no reason I could articulate.

In my late 30s I got talking to a new colleague during a rather drink-fuelled summer party. He asked why I was still single and wouldn't date, and we ended up having a very intense conversation. Turns out he was a dominant. He suggested that maybe I needed a D/s relationship to feel fulfilled. It took another 2 years before I dared to dip my toe into the kinky waters.

In the beginning I had sub-frenzy, and all I wanted was a service-based relationship with a dominant man. I tried that, and it wasn't quite right. Then I tried a relationship that was less service-based, but with more kink and pain-play. That was better, but still not quite right. It took me another year or so of dating to realise the kind of relationship I really needed, and then a further 5 or so years to find the man who could give me what I needed.

Now my relationship is pretty much what I want and need. I'm with a dominant man who is also my best friend. The initial frenzy to play all the time has slowed down a lot, but neither of us has a problem with that. What we have is an M/s relationship that we defined ourselves, and which now defines us in a very positive way.

My need for kink and control has evolved into a need for stability, structure and mutual love. It's just as intense as the need I had when I first set out on this path, but it is different.

_____________________________

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(in reply to mrpoirot)

Post #: 18

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/19/2013 5:47:28 PM

lovethyself

Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline

FR

OP I'm going to take a slightly different direction from others. You've gotten some wonderful advice on how to rework your profile to increase your chances of meeting someone. SpiritedRadiance had some good advice about volunteering as well. I would like to add to that.

While you're single, I would suggest taking the time to do some soul searching. Take your longing, and try to break it down. See if you can find those elements that you "need" to feel happy/fulfilled, rather than focusing on what you "want". What is it about those needs that fulfills you? If you get satisfaction from being of service to others, then look into volunteerism. Do you like struggle play because of the physical rough housing? Maybe taking up a contact sport would help, like wrestling or any other type with physical sparring.

It may not replace the desire for a relationship that encompases all of your needs/wants/fantasies etc. but it may help you feel more comfortable and confident in your own skin. That in turn may aid you in your search (since a number of women find self aware and self confident men attractive). Plus, it will help you distill what it is you want/need from a partner.

For me the longings haven't gone away, but I've found certain solo pursuits can help alleviate the intensity of the cravings.

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 19

RE: will the longing ever stop? - 6/24/2013 11:57:00 AM

mrpoirot

Posts: 5
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline

@SpiritedRadiance yes i will do that and see how I feel.

@myotherself Thanks! that is a detailed reply. :) I really appreciate how you have explained how you got to know yourself better. I hope I follow the same path. Your reply really helped.

@lovethyself I think I keep doing that. I read a lot about self image etc. It helps, at times confuses and then helps again. :) Thanks for your reply.

(in reply to lovethyself)

Post #: 20

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