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Iknowyoursecrets -> RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? (6/22/2013 12:41:35 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: njlauren
What you are facing IMO is the boundary between the fantasy of being a sub/slave and the reality. The fantasy slave/sub does anything their dom/me expects of them, willingly, they never say no, and so forth...there are people who live D/s where the sub/slave has no right to say no to anything (which to be honest, makes me uncomfortable, but that is another discussion), but based on my experiences, relative few do this.
There is no such thing as a 'true sub', in the sense that everyone is different. Most people in D/s's I have known have a negotiated relationship, where the sub has hard limits, and they usually have safewords as well. Someone could of course just be kinky, who does the play and such because it simply is erotic, where they are a top/bottom, but that is not being sub at all, not being 'real' or 'not real' IMO.
And yeah, you can feel like you have disappointed you dominant, but to me a dominant should want their subs to tell them where they are, and if something isn't right, say no. If a femme domme wants to do strap on play and the M sub has hemorroids and says no, for example, that is being a true sub, rather than 'taking it' and getting harmed.
In any event, most people have limits, I can't do sense deprivation or certain types of bondage because I am claustrophobic, but it isn't about not being a good sub or not, it is about having something where doing that would be dangerous to me. Likewise, a sub with diabetes may not be able to do certain kinds of sensation play or bondage, due to physical limitations.
In your case a couple of things stand out. One, you didn't really know the people well, and doing scat play is something that I suspect would take a lot of trust, and without knowing someone, you can't have that. sub/dom relationships usually take time to build, even if both people are experienced, there is a time to for them to know and trust each other (which isn't all that different than any relationship, kinky or vanilla. Yeah, it is easy to say don't run away, but when faced with strangers with an extreme request, it is kind of natural for alarm bells to go off and/or to panic when faced with this, and you 'ran away' because it set off warnings, and there is nothing wrong with that.
As far as a dom deciding what a hard limit is, that is complete, utter bullshit. Unless it is a total consent to non consent, if you have hard limits and have said them, he/she has no right to say no, go beyond a hard limit like that, and they are playing in abuse land (I am not talking accidentally doing so, I am talking deliberately). There is a difference between stretching a limit, which goes on all the time IME (which would be covered by a safeword, or should be, so if it goes too har, the sub can say "too much") and going through a hard limit. There is a big difference; for example, in a play session if a domme wanted me to experience sex with a man as her slave, and it had been a limit but step by step she brought me to doing that, and I didn't safeword out, it would be okay; but if she tied me to a bondage bench and had a guy had sex with me, ignored my safeword or distress, that would be abuse, because she didn;'t have the right. Dom/sub relationships are negotiated ones, even 24/7 TPE, and if limit is hard and has been negotiated, that is it.
Dear original poster "op" read this again and then perhaps a third time. It is VERY good advice, wishing you the best.
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