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RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/9/2013 7:20:54 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Minus the OCD, that's part of my list. So yes, have a cookie.
They're all more or less treatable with a good psychiatrist, a good therapist and a strong enough drive to develop coping skills to alleviate the problems.

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(in reply to MarineKitten)

Post #: 21

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/9/2013 7:43:52 AM

ShaharThorne

Posts: 11071
Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
Status: offline

I am bipolar 2 (mainly depressive but known for mania attacks) and PTSD. Had a PTSD attack back in '09 when a Dom decided that he wanted anal and I did not. I shut down and for days could not sleep until I had to be hospitalized for taking too many pills just to go to sleep. The doctors discovered that my mood stabilizer was not working so they got me on a new one and another pill to control the PTSD. Now I am functioning but on disability because the drugs will knock me out and I have a few more medical problems (fibromyalgia, a slight heart murmur, gout and high cholesterol). Last time I got into a subspace, it took me a few days to get out of it...

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Post #: 22

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/9/2013 8:08:04 AM

CountrySong

Posts: 554
Joined: 1/25/2008
Status: offline

Cyclical Depression and possible very mild bi-polar II (one doc said yes one doc said "mood disorders" I said I really don't give a flying F. they could not decide if it was actual hypomania I experience or me just feeling really good and only sleeping 2 to 4 hours a night for a couple of weeks at a time ;-).

I used to classify a strictly Dom. Then went through a couple of depressions while partnered. Reclassified to switch because when I go down mentally the last thing I want to do is control anything. My life is set up so I can safely crash ;-) Yes it affects relationships because a lot of people especially women want no part of a non-total Dom. they also don't react well to "Hey I have depression sometimes and when that happens plan on stopping all the fun we are having for a few months and taking the riens if you want to do things. How are you at pegging? (Sorry had to toss some humor in. ;-)

Anytime you take on a partner with a mental problem or illness you add a layer of risk to your life - sometimes major. One of my past partners was bi-polar and several other things. She was also in therapy and clasified as disabled due to the extent of her mental illness. I made the mistake of trusting her! She had a major life trauma went manic and betrayed some things that affected my work, family, friends, etc and got me black mailed. Add to that suicide watches for her; PTSD reactions that sometimes left her shaking and screaming after intercourse; several assults including two attempted stabbings. (I also classify as a caretaker; so, if your are thinking that it was because I had done something to deserve that - I had not. someone flipped one of her triggers and I got in the way to protect her and others.)
Now my first questions are pretty much what mental illnessness do you have (so far about 80% of my partners have some mental problems or illnesses)? How bad? What drugs are you taking? Are you on disability or classified as disabled. Can I be arrested and charged with sex crimes; because, the state might classify you as a vulnerable adult? If you go batshit then what is the plan? How do we keep you from going batshit in the first place? (I get those two in writing and signed)! Who in your family, friends, religion, therapists, etc - hates you and alternative lifestyles (know your enemy!). And I never ever give anyone who can go out of the mind my full confidence or trust!!! I highly suggest that all Dom/Dommes dealing with people with mental illnesses do the same. Your partner will not like the questions. It might end the relationship before it starts but it beats the hell out of jail time and having you life destroyed.

< Message edited by CountrySong -- 7/9/2013 8:20:08 AM >

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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 23

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/9/2013 8:17:23 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

I dont' really like to put my personal stuff out there for criticism - I'm a pretty private person. However, the honest and transparent sharing on this site has really helped me to not feel so alone in my situation and has helped me with the feellings of being 'less' or 'unworthy' of having a relationship with someone. I used to read the "fix yourself before you get into a relationship" comments and cringe because it left a hopeless sinking sensation of feeling as if I'd never be fixed enough to have anyone in my life.

Now, I feel like I should share, because maybe it will help someone else?

I experienced a really bad situation that basically falls under the whole rape umbrella although it was really non-consensual torture. It took a couple years of therapy, and I still have a hard time with wanting to reconnect with people, but still isolating and hiding away from putting myself back out there. It doesn't help that I'm this uber magnet for drug addicts and alcoholics. Still trying to figure out how they zero in on me, but I'm like catnip to them. Sometimes I feel like I'm tentatively picking my way through a minefield of sociopaths and addicts and it can be paralyzing not sure where to take my next step.

I have some serious triggers as well, which actually is what helped me realize I wasn't as ok as I tried to make myself. This is turn helped me suck it up and seek therapy. I'd never been a fan of therapy, honestly and had little patience with the idea of people whinning and moaning about how their mom's didn't love them or some such. Nothing like a little humble pie, to put some perspective on things

.

Back to triggers. Just having someone raise their voice at me can put me in a bad place and its hard for me to find my back from it. I don't seem to have a fight reflex, but my flight one is on a hair trigger. I fell into a pretty deep well of depression and what amounts to self harm. Not the suicidal self harm, just the quit caring about yourself kind of self harm. I guess you can say I wanted to make myself unattractive, because it felt safe. If no one wants you, then no one can hurt you kind of thinking.

It was easy to hide the emotional and mental illness from family and friends, because I am physically ill. I have connective tissue diseases that make keeping my life quiet and simple a necessity, so no one really thinks twice at my long periods of being reclusive.

There are a lot of people, on these boards, who have been open about their struggles with mental disorders and I find their transparency and honesty not only brave and admirable, but something of a life-line. A sort of anchor, that keeps me from drifting too far away from society and my hope for finding my way back.

I hope that you get a chance to read their old posts, or talk to them personally. There are some truly remarkable people on these boards who have their shit together, despite (or maybe because of) dealing with some very stigmatized issues.

Best wishes, and thank you for putting the question out there.

Charlotte

(in reply to MarineKitten)

Post #: 24

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/9/2013 8:37:52 AM

littleclip

Posts: 869
Joined: 5/31/2012
Status: offline

i have adhd and some ptsd with a dash of passive agressive . my adhd i take meds for they help but do not eliminate the adhd. the passive agressive is something that many with adhd have learned and i am in counsling to help with that. myptsd make it so i cant handle the pop of long whips. i am a service oriented poly slave who needs the grounding of touch to keep my focus. i will be struggling with these issues fer my whole life. i have met many in the lifestyle with mental health issues most are more ballanced than the vanillia ones some better some not so. just be honest with yourself and those that you love and care for and with patience and understanding you can find joy and happiness.

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Post #: 25

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/9/2013 9:10:57 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CountrySong

... And I never ever give anyone who can go out of the mind my full confidence or trust!!! I highly suggest that all Dom/Dommes dealing with people with mental illnesses do the same. Your partner will not like the questions. It might end the relationship before it starts but it beats the hell out of jail time and having you life destroyed.

Yikes, I'm very sorry you had those personal experiences. How do you have BDSM relationships without trust though?

I sometimes feel like it would take a very special person, on the horizon with Ghandi or Jesus, for me to feel comfortable around - but if they had no ability or chance of having confidence in me or trust in me? That would be a death sentence for any HOPE of a relationship.

Not everyone who has to manage mental disorders is an axe-wielding psychopath...at least, pretty sure that's true. Not so sure the world isnt' filled with drunks and sociopaths, but I'm prettty sure that not all with mental disorders turn into blood thirsty harpies.

ETAL: I think I took your comment too literally, and realize you are saying you won't give anyone trust who has shown that they lose control of their emotions in such a dangerous and volatile way. Which of course, you shouldn't.

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 7/9/2013 9:19:04 AM >

(in reply to CountrySong)

Post #: 26

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/10/2013 11:57:53 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I don't know Country, you suffer from depression, and mood disorders NOS. How do any of your partners trust you?

We just recognize that we're in a bad space, and go talk to the doctor to discuss if we need another round of meds. If it takes more than that, we go back to therapy. If you're willing to recognize you need help, and actively seek it, that's the major thing. There are some very helpful new medications that work for diagnoses that used to be untreatable.

Winsome, about that magnet for alcoholics and other addicts, have you looked around for an ACOA meeting near you? Like all self help groups, some are better than others. There used to be a good one in town, these days it's badly run and the better one is 45 minutes away.

I have no problems with anyone with a mood disorder who is willing to take the medications and learn coping skills. But personality disorders are a different level of problems. Not ones I know enough about. And they respond primarily to therapy, serious therapy with a therapist who takes no shit. Unfortunately most insurance programs won't pay for three years of twice weekly with a clinical psychologist. Although they will pay for monthlong stays yearly in a psych hospital which costs a hell of a lot more.

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Post #: 27

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/10/2013 12:05:49 PM

LittleGirlHeart

Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

I have that happen too. And I do take it very hard, and he does have to sooth me for quite a bit an re assure me I have not messed up his enjoyment, he is not upset, he is more upset for me than anything cause I am devastated not only because something happened and ruined my mood, but also because I didn't want my ruined mood to ruin his good time.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

but also, and this may sound crazy to those who haven't really done TTTWD, also because she was really upset at "ruining the scene." She was worried that she'd let me down, that she had failed somehow and that I would be upset-I had to talk her/take her past and through that.

< Message edited by LittleGirlHeart -- 7/10/2013 12:06:34 PM >

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There ours shall go singing

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Post #: 28

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/10/2013 12:37:50 PM

LittleGirlHeart

Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

I was verbally abused most my life, put downs and stuff like that will snap me out of any good sexual mood I had previously been in. I like being called a slut, and his whore an stuff, but put anything negative with it like stupid or worthless, nope, we are not going there.

_____________________________

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)

Post #: 29

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/10/2013 1:15:57 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleGirlHeart

I have that happen too. And I do take it very hard, and he does have to sooth me for quite a bit an re assure me I have not messed up his enjoyment, he is not upset, he is more upset for me than anything cause I am devastated not only because something happened and ruined my mood, but also because I didn't want my ruined mood to ruin his good time.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

but also, and this may sound crazy to those who haven't really done TTTWD, also because she was really upset at "ruining the scene." She was worried that she'd let me down, that she had failed somehow and that I would be upset-I had to talk her/take her past and through that.

Grins
Trust me here-Once a man has to perform emotional triage, the good times are all gone.
Then, it's just time to clean up the wreckage with as little extraneous damage as possible.

We kinda suck at being emotional tampons. :-)

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HST

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)

Post #: 30

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/10/2013 2:16:47 PM

LittleGirlHeart

Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

Sometimes if I am ok an ready to try again once the melt down has been cleaned up he is too, it's not always a mood killer, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, yeah usually it is.

_____________________________

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 31

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/12/2013 7:24:35 AM

jola37

Posts: 433
Joined: 7/8/2013
Status: offline

Interesting thread, I hope all the people here who suffer with some mental illness find plenty of respite from it :-) I used to suffer with anxiety and depression but have largely found a way out from it. Clare Weekes - Self Help For Your Nerves is an invaluable book for anyone who suffers with anxiey and I one million% recommend it.

One moan I have about therapy and medication (had both) is it is sometimes offered to make everything ok, but I think it is very important to remember that life is sometimes tough and we get anxious/depressed anyway. It is ok to feel anxious and depressed sometimes, it's completely normal. One of the things the book I mentioned touches upon is to relax during a panic attack and to observe whats actually going on. Took me a bit of time to get my head round the task of relaxing during a panic attack, but once I did, the fear went :-) Once the fear goes, the panic attack of course subsides. Then also, I wasn't nearly as scared of panic attacks after that which in turn, led to much fewer attacks, then virtually none and I think I'm at a point now where i suffer normal levels of anxiety. The same as my friends who don't have a disorder.

In a nutshell, for me, once I had give up fighting the depression and/or anxiety, I found it lifted so much quicker. The emotions spent on fighting were much more than the original impetus that made me unhappy or whatever. Now when I'm feeling a bit down, I remind myself that I have many hours of happiness left to be had in my life. I find it hard to stay down for long with that outlook :-)

Of course I'm not dispensing advice here, just a bit about how my recovery is going. If any of the words here helped just 1 person, then it was worth the typing :-) I read some of the other posts here and they have shone light on certain things for me :-)

< Message edited by jola37 -- 7/12/2013 7:26:55 AM >

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Post #: 32

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/12/2013 10:30:09 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I'm this uber magnet for drug addicts and alcoholics. Still trying to figure out how they zero in on me, but I'm like catnip to them. Sometimes I feel like I'm tentatively picking my way through a minefield of sociopaths and addicts and it can be paralyzing not sure where to take my next step.

Me too, plus narcissists! Therapy has helped me with this.

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Post #: 33

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/12/2013 10:32:37 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

I like being called a slut, and his whore an stuff, but put anything negative with it like stupid or worthless, nope, we are not going there.

Same here.

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(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)

Post #: 34

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/17/2013 8:40:24 PM

LittleGirlHeart

Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

hehe couple days ago he said i was his whore wasn't I, and I said no I am a slut, whores get paid/

_____________________________

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 35

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/18/2013 10:29:12 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

jola: your post reads as though you believe all cases of depression are situational. That they only occur during difficulties.

They aren't.

Mine's genetic. I have a family tree listing mood disorders back five generations, good times and bad.

When I fill out a health form asking about familiar illnesses, in addition to hypertension I write suicide. Because it's as much in my genes as diabetes is for someone else.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 36

RE: Mental Health and Submission.. - 7/18/2013 10:39:08 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
Even medicated I wonder how I can possibly be a good sub

You (you in particular I mean) can be a good sub by being you. At least insofar as what I mean by that word you are it without trying. The fact that you have personality quirks makes you human. Do you honestly think Carol doesn't have her oddball spots in her personality? I work with or around them as needed. I have a few of my own and I'm sure she deals with them in her own ways also. I don't really get what your ADHD would have to do with that. In the world I live in you'd be "A great sub who happened to have a hard time focusing and a hard time staying still and occasionally blurted out stuff."

Man I like reality.

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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 37

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