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The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/20/2013 7:06:41 PM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline 		As many of you know, I'm battling rectal cancer. In this fight, I'm blessed with amazing family and friends. To keep them abreast of developments, I started an email newsletter that's become a sort of book-in-progress. I've posted some excerpts on my Got Prayers? thread.

The most recent update, about workplace politics in the middle of coping with chemo effects, was probably the darkest one yet. It led to an interesting reply from one of my relatives, who's otherwise been a stalwart support. Two excerpts:

Wonder what it would look like to stand up to the challenges of office and cancer? If instead of being a victim you were in charge.

One has a choice in the face of devastation. Why do the incurable survive and those with minor symptoms succumb? What quality of self allowed folks to survive concentration camps.

As you can imagine, I didn't take this well. Among other reactions, I went to Amazon and finally ordered a book I've been wanting to read: Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America by Barbara Ehrenreich. Browsing reviews, I came across a comment that was a major WTF moment:

I have a relative who blames me for the illnesses that I have. Even my mother, who died of cancer, she blamed her for "attracting" the illness to herself.

Now, I do get that a positive attitude (or the appearance of one) has its merits: You get better care out of medical folks, and your loved ones rally round more eagerly. I also accept that individual choices shape one's health.

But . . .

I don't think that's the whole story. Part of what drives comments like the blue notes above is, I'll wager, a terror of the randomness of life. If cancer can just happen to me, it can just happen to you too. If horrific oppression kills one person, might it not kill another as well? It's dismaying, I think, to face how much of our fate lies in the hands of Lady Luck.

So we set out to find "reasons" for things. The Amazon reader's mom died because her "bad attitude" lured negative things. A "sense of self," rather than circumstances or collaboration, saved a fraction (less than a tenth) of the Nazis' prisoners. The story lines, however harsh (and generally, one notes, applied to someone else's suffering), offer the cold comfort of a refuge from the random.

Does anyone else see things this way? Have you encountered folks who can't accept life's randomness? How do they deal with it? And how do you deal with them?


_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE
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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/20/2013 7:17:08 PM   
jlf1961


Posts: 14840
Joined: 6/10/2008
From: Somewhere Texas
Status: offline 		Dc, you are in my prayers in your battle.

Personally, I dont think you can prepare for the randomness of life's situations. The best you can do is grin and bear it, and keep going.

There is a quote from my favorite sci fi series, which actually came from some one else.

Run, when you cant run, walk, when you cant walk, crawl, when you cant crawl, let someone carry you.

Some of the random things that have happened to me makes me believe god or the universe (however you choose to believe) has a sense of humor. Incidents ranging from being snowed in a town in June to managing to find the one tree in a drop zone to get hung up in.

I am dealing with kidney cancer, have to go to Dallas to have a procedure to remove it. There is no chemo or anything else to treat it.

A random event but all in all, not really messing with my attitude.

Hang in there, and if you ever want to vent, rant or just get something said, feel free to shoot me a line.

_____________________________

Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don't you think?

You cannot control who comes into your life, but you can control which airlock you throw them out of.

Paranoid Paramilitary Gun Loving Conspiracy Theorist AND EQUAL OPPORTUNI

(in reply to dcnovice)
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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/20/2013 7:26:12 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I don't have any words of comfort at present, but I do know a bit about randomness.

10 years ago this past Saturday my dad died unexpectedly.

That was seemingly random enough.

However, 11 days later, my mother too, died unexpectedly.

They had been divorced for over 30 years, so it wasn't one of those bereft spouse things.

It was just random.

So much of life is random (or at least seemingly so).

I think what I am 'working on' is making space for it.
I don't think Random likes to be crowded.

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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/20/2013 8:04:47 PM   
TheHeretic


Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline 		I'm a believer, even with a bit of an evangelistic streak, when it comes to the importance of a positive outlook, but it has nothing to do with warding off the fickle fucks from fates finger. When you find that you can either laugh or scream, it is always healthier to laugh. You're in my thoughts daily, DC, and I'm inspired by the humor you maintain even in the darkest bits you share.

To the notion that some people "draw" bad things upon themselves by being consistently negative, I do wonder from time to time about that. Rather than thinking they get sick because of their personality, I'm curious if the personality might be a symptom of some kind of auto-immune deficiency that opens them up to debilitating illness. Of course, that hypothesis gets nowhere with people the gods just don't seem to like in terms of bad luck.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.


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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/20/2013 8:46:33 PM   
Duskypearls


Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline 		dc, while I suspect there is a degree of truth in it, I have met many who have an obscene, and irrational, over-commitment to the theory that we all create 100% of our illnesses, injuries, accidents and misfortune and are, therefore, 100% responsible for curing or alleviating them.

I think it not uncommon for some of these people to dangerously, inhumanely, wield that belief as a weapon with which to bludgeon others, in order to make themselves feel more knowing and better than those that suffer from what they, themselves, do not. I suspect 1-4 or more diseases might be at play...."Spiritual Elitism," "Know-it-all-ism" "I'm so subconsciously full of rage over the things I cannot control in my life, I will punish and hurt you-ism" and "I'm so afraid of pain and suffering, I must strike out at you to protect myself-ism." I kid, partially, and am sure there is more involved, but sometimes....

To those deeply asleep or polarized, even a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.

Little do they know how much extra suffering they might cause those already suffering, some gravely. Surely they'll tell you they care so much about you and mean well, but you know what I always say, my good friends...

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I have met very few people with pure intentions.



How do I handle them, dc? I don't, as I care not for the company and unsolicited advice of those lacking empathy, sensitivity, compassion, wisdom and tact.

When in challenging circumstances, positivity can be helpful, but not always forced. There is a time and place for appropriate feelings of anger, rage, helplessness, powerlessness and even hopelessness. Life is a balancing act, even with thoughts and emotions. There are times we may be hit below the belt, and have everything we thought we needed to be us wrenched from our very hands. One can try, but cannot always be expected to be bright, cheery, happy, peppy and bursting with love. We are but human.

I envy you, dc. Never have I had anyone to help or support me. Make the most of what they offer, and have the courage to shut them down, politely if possible, if their intentions, words and acts blame and cause you more harm.

< Message edited by Duskypearls -- 6/20/2013 9:02:52 PM >

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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/20/2013 9:02:26 PM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

who can't accept life's randomness


I worry... I worry about everything...it is a fault with me. I worry about my daughters cancer... I worry about my other daughters heroin addiction...I worry about my relative minor afflictions... I worry about my grandsons problems in school. I pray and I pray then worry some more.

I am a glass half empty type of person and often think the worst will happen... that is the messed up way I deal with randomness... I try to make others look at the bright side of every problem...while I inwardly look at the blackest outcome.

Funny but when others try to make me look at the bright side of things I get inwardly mad... to myself I say yea right fairy tales and wishful unrealistic thinking does no one any good...it actually makes me more depressed... I do better by myself when faced with real tragedy then with others. They think sharing the grief is healing... not me...I have to be alone with my worry and fear and sorrow...I can't be around others and be civil.

Depressing way of looking at things I guess...But somehow I have gotten through much heartache and fear and tragedy in my life. I guess we all HAVE to deal with things in our own manner like it or not and others will just have to forgive us for not thinking and feeling like them.

Butch

< Message edited by kdsub -- 6/20/2013 9:08:45 PM >

_____________________________

Mark Twain:

I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing

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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/20/2013 9:40:18 PM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline 		FR

Good heavens! I forgot to share my response to the Amazon comment about someone's mom attracting cancer: "I think my reply would have been a steel blade to her jugular, accompanied by the words, "Oh look, you 'attracted' this knife to yourself!"

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to kdsub)
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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/20/2013 10:03:02 PM   
Duskypearls


Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline 		OMG, dc, I luvs ya!

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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/20/2013 10:46:42 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

When in challenging circumstances, positivity can be helpful, but not always forced. There is a time and place for appropriate feelings of anger, rage, helplessness, powerlessness and even hopelessness. Life is a balancing act, even with thoughts and emotions. There are times we may be hit below the belt, and have everything we thought we needed to be us wrenched from our very hands. One can try, but cannot always be expected to be bright, cheery, happy, peppy and bursting with love. We are but human.



Beautifully said, Dusky.

Positive thinking has its place and time. When attempting to maintain it becomes too exhausting, it's ok to put it on hold for a while.

People say the dumbest things in times of struggle. I don't fault them for it, but I won't tolerate much if any of it. I usually tell them, "I'm just not up to a conversation. Your prayers for the highest good would be welcome though. I'll be back in touch when I have more energy."

(in reply to Duskypearls)
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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/20/2013 11:13:19 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		People are generally not comfortable with other people's problems. They say they care, but when you experience a real whopper of a health problem, I found that a lot of people cannot deal with it, as if somehow they will catch what you have, even cancer.

To me it shows their true colors and thus their value is diminished for me.

Even when someone loses a loved one can make people run from someone in severe grief.

I think a lot of stupid things are said, as the OP stated, out of ignorance, denial and lack of empathy.

That is the real epidemic.

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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/21/2013 12:47:04 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I don't know. Some people do seem to need there to be a purpose behind everything.

When I was a kid, every time something random and unpleasant happened to my mom like she stubbed her toe or had an accident,
or the trash bag tore while she was carrying it out to the curb, she'd say "Satan's attacking me again."

One day I told her, 'That's awesome mom! If you can keep Satan's full attention on you, we might have a real shot at world peace!"

She didn't appreciate my 'positive outlook.'




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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/22/2013 1:48:41 AM   
sirbeachbum


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/30/2011
Status: offline 		DC, that's funny, I've come to the conclusion over the last two years that life is indeed random.
Like that saying ; ""Why me, why me?" and someone says , "Why not?"
Things happen. I don't think I believe in "fate" or anything like that but randomness IS a certainty! At least to us human beings.
AND I hope you have a good conclusion to your illness! They've made tremendous strides in just the last five years alone.
Let us know how you're doing.

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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/22/2013 1:59:38 AM   
sirbeachbum


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/30/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jlf1961

Dc, you are in my prayers in your battle.

Personally, I dont think you can prepare for the randomness of life's situations. The best you can do is grin and bear it, and keep going.

There is a quote from my favorite sci fi series, which actually came from some one else.

Run, when you cant run, walk, when you cant walk, crawl, when you cant crawl, let someone carry you.

Some of the random things that have happened to me makes me believe god or the universe (however you choose to believe) has a sense of humor. Incidents ranging from being snowed in a town in June to managing to find the one tree in a drop zone to get hung up in.

I am dealing with kidney cancer, have to go to Dallas to have a procedure to remove it. There is no chemo or anything else to treat it.

A random event but all in all, not really messing with my attitude.

Hang in there, and if you ever want to vent, rant or just get something said, feel free to shoot me a line.


jlf, and I hope you have fair winds and following seas too!

(in reply to jlf1961)
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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/22/2013 3:20:24 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		As you know, dc, I pray for you every day.

(By the way. Dusky, in many ways, you're My hero.)

I tried to tell somebody today that their negative energy has a greater impact when it comes to health issues than the side effect of any pill ever could. Personally, I don't believe that our physical self is so far removed from our mental self, our emotional self, or our spiritual self. It's not that randomness still doesn't apply. It's just that we also have to look at ourselves as a whole being.
There are some studies that have researched how depression (a mental/emotional illness) can be tied to more frequent occurrences of physical illnesses. I would contend that negative energy in the emotional can lead to negative in the physical.

This doesn't mean that people "deserve" to be ill. The expression of "bad things happen to good people" still exists and quite often, it happens to be true. Some days, I think you (meaning general you or any particular person) are stronger some days and weaker the next. In some ways, it's kind of both. We can have something happen just because we are blowing in the wind and other times we don't pay attention to the fact that mental, emotional, spiritual things can affect us, too. It's not always due to a reason and it's not always from random.

I don't care which part you happen to think you are, dc. I'll still pray for you every day.

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: The Randomness of Life: Too Terrifying to Face? - 6/22/2013 8:03:14 AM   
DomKen


Posts: 19457
Joined: 7/4/2004
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice
But . . .

I don't think that's the whole story. Part of what drives comments like the blue notes above is, I'll wager, a terror of the randomness of life. If cancer can just happen to me, it can just happen to you too. If horrific oppression kills one person, might it not kill another as well? It's dismaying, I think, to face how much of our fate lies in the hands of Lady Luck.

So we set out to find "reasons" for things. The Amazon reader's mom died because her "bad attitude" lured negative things. A "sense of self," rather than circumstances or collaboration, saved a fraction (less than a tenth) of the Nazis' prisoners. The story lines, however harsh (and generally, one notes, applied to someone else's suffering), offer the cold comfort of a refuge from the random.

Does anyone else see things this way? Have you encountered folks who can't accept life's randomness? How do they deal with it? And how do you deal with them?

I think that it is fear of what they can't control and don't understand. Our ancestors invented deities that controlled the weather and the harvest for that precise reason.

As someone who is chronically ill I can tell you it is not going to be possible to stay "up" all the time. Being sick is a drag and it will get to you. I hope you have a good friend who will listen to you unload that really helps me. You might also try a support group some people find them helpful. Being able to talk about what is happening with people who are going through it too might lift your spirits. If you are deeply depressed you might want to see a psychiatrist to see if meds would be appropriate because there is a fair amount of research showing depression is linked to bad medical outcomes.

Know that you are in my thoughts and I wish you the best.

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