I am pissing some family members off.... (Full Version)

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jlf1961 -> I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 12:47:46 AM)

I have been doing more around the house to help out my niece.

I do enjoy cooking, and fact I claim the kitchen as mine. I do the cooking, and I clean up the kitchen, including dishes. Nobody here actually gets stuff clean enough to suit me. Okay I am a bit obsessive about my kitchen.

I also have OCD when it comes to my clothes. I never have a full load so I throw Damian's stuff and my niece's stuff in with mine.

Well, yesterday and today, I basically took the days for my time. I did some stuff I have been putting off, made sure that I got in town to donate, worked with Damian and the dogs (Damian gets a little rough with the dogs, and Blu and lucky have nipped at him as a result.)

So the seven of us, Damian and I and five dogs spent a lot of time in the mornings playing with the dogs. I know Damian is only 18 months old (I said he was 16 months old the other day and was corrected) but he is developing a good throwing arm, although he needs to work on control, and form, he is getting decent distance for his age.

Anyway what pissed everyone off was the fact that I told them I was not cooking or doing anything else around the house for a couple of days. Gizzy (my niece) works nights, and she was upset that I was not doing much to help her during the day, and David, her boyfriend who is a cook at burger king got really pissed when he had to cook dinner, and clean up the kitchen.

With the exception of getting Damian down for naps or bed time, I took the two days for me.

What prompts this post is that I got a call from my sister, basically she got complaints, and she asked me what was wrong.

Here is the list:
1) David leaves half full large burger king cups of soda on the table, as well as crushed soda cans and over flowing ash trays.
2) Neither of the two can do something so simple as to rinse their dishes, damians dishes and put them in the dishwasher.
3) Giz straightens up Damian's play area and actually gets the little guy to help put up his toys, David on the other hand leaves the toys scattered everywhere.
4) Both complain about the dog hair, and Giz claims two of the dogs, but it seems they do not know how to operate a vacuum cleaner.

Now I there is a sub I am seeing and she comes over just about daily. And she likes domestic chores, but I am tired of her cleaning up after everyone, or should i say doing it all.

So on my two days off, she was doing a few things, primarily trying to toddler proof my desk, as well as some other things in my room, and helping me with the dogs.

While she and I are just temporary, I have come to the realization that there may be more demands placed on a permanent companion due to some people being, well I am not sure if lazy is the word or complacent.

So what I am getting at is how do I get my niece and her boyfriend to do stuff for themselves (except in my kitchen) all cooking thursday and friday was done on the bbq grill.



hlen5 -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 12:56:41 AM)

Do you feel it's laziness or ineptitude?

Maybe they just don't know where to start? I don't blame you for being annoyed.



jlf1961 -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 1:22:00 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: hlen5

Do you feel it's laziness or ineptitude?

Maybe they just don't know where to start? I don't blame you for being annoyed.



Not sure. I know giz does like david doing her laundry, being ex military, i do my laundry and hers, mostly her work clothes, and her lingerie, and her work clothes get the military treatment as in hung up, and her lingerie, does not go in the dryer. David has ruined I dont know how many of her bras.

Giz spends her time with Damian during the day, so I dont mind helping her out, and when she comes home at night, unless it has been a night from hell, she pretty much cleans up after herself, except dishes.

And when it comes to their room, which I or Tina will not touch, although we have offered. Basically, David does not think that a male should clean up his living area, including his stuff.

Now, Gizzy has talked to him, I have talked to him, my sister has talked to him, and his sister has talked to him. I think he has topic selective hearing loss.

Tina on the other hand is over exuberant about house work, not that I am complaining, I keep my room GI clean, except my desk, which I am considering replacing, and the last couple of days were frustrating for her since I refused to let her do anything in the main house.

I guess I should say that david is the biggest part of the problem.



Rule -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 6:47:37 AM)

David will be incorrigible.

Ask around some monasteries if they will have him. Perchance they have a leaflet that promises a prospective monk that he will never again have to bake a burger.



theRose4U -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 10:16:49 AM)

Personal responsibility is an important skill to learn. Roomates/ family that make life simpler are a blessing that sometimes are taken for granted until they are gone. Call this a wake up call. Are these kids paying rent? Groceries?
Another thing to consider is that this david is using you as a pseudo role model. Picking & choosing the aspects that benefit him...like a sub with a cleaning fetish or a dominant thatterritorial about the kitchen?
Hard to feel like lord of all you survey when you are grill master & living in someone elses home to afford a kid.



kalikshama -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 10:23:33 AM)

quote:

1) David leaves half full large burger king cups of soda on the table, as well as crushed soda cans and over flowing ash trays.
2) Neither of the two can do something so simple as to rinse their dishes, damians dishes and put them in the dishwasher.


I'm not optimistic, but will provide advice depending on whether it is your place or theirs/your sister's. Please advise.

Of slightly less importance - how old are they?



lizi -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 10:49:43 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

I'm not optimistic, but will provide advice depending on whether it is your place or theirs/your sister's. Please advise.

Of slightly less importance - how old are they?


I'd ask too how is the money required for the household broken down? From house payments to food to bills, etc. Who pays what and how is it determined?

Also consider that having your submissive friend clean up after the others and having you do an extra share of work is setting a bad precedence for the others to rely on that as the norm. Sets a bad example for the little one too, he should be seeing people model self responsibility and see everyone contribute to the running of the household. The little one should be picking up his own toys as much as possible when he's with his Dad or helping Dad do it as part of the bedtime or other routine.

I'm thinking you need a household meeting and to set chores there for everyone along with a chart (at least in the beginning). Who gets what is yet to be determined according to the answers to the other questions on ownership and finances. If someone doesn't do their chores will be plain to see by all, the penalty for such will be determined at the meeting as well. It might be paying your friend to do the cleaning at the expense of the household member who didn't, or something else. The loss of a privilege usually works well or the addition of other chores. There have to be penalties, and everyone has to be on board with carrying them out, or it's an empty gesture to even ask for people to carry out their initial responsibilities since we already know there has been failure on that end.

As a side note - overflowing ashtrays? Should a burger flipper be smoking when he'd obviously not making enough to support his own family?



TheHeretic -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 11:06:41 AM)

If I found myself in similar circumstances, I would wait for just the correct private moment to place the boyfriend of the niece up against a doorframe, possibly with a forearm across his throat, for a chat. I would then kindly and patiently clarify for him who's house it is, what the expected standards are, and that if he cannot get off his lazy fucking ass to meet those standards, how I would provide him with a very valid reason for being unable to do so.




kalikshama -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 11:21:22 AM)

I think this could work for Jeff :)

With my housemates in Florida, for whom I cared very much, I tried reason, yelling, the silent treatment, and threats to move out. None of this ever worked. I left and moved in with a woman whose cleanliness was an inspiration.

I am currently in a situation where the downstairs people are too noisy on occasion. They sometimes get drunk and obnoxious on work nights - twice this week - once her, once him. He's my landlord. I share a bedroom wall with his 20 year old daughter who flunked out of school, is a night owl, and has woken me up by talking on the phone at 4 AM and on other occasions. None of the sound deadening solutions that her father and I agreed on were acceptable to her.

I've warned my landlord that the noise after 11 PM is not acceptable and that I will not live someplace where I cannot be assured of a good night's sleep, but I've given up and have responded to a half dozen craigslist ads for apartments.



kalikshama -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 11:26:47 AM)

quote:

David does not think that a male should clean up his living area, including his stuff.


That's fine if there is a female who has agreed to pick up after him, but it doesn't sound like he and your niece have this agreement or that she has the time to perform this role, especially given that she works nights when he's making the biggest mess.



jlf1961 -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 11:57:26 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

1) David leaves half full large burger king cups of soda on the table, as well as crushed soda cans and over flowing ash trays.
2) Neither of the two can do something so simple as to rinse their dishes, damians dishes and put them in the dishwasher.


I'm not optimistic, but will provide advice depending on whether it is your place or theirs/your sister's. Please advise.

Of slightly less importance - how old are they?

My sister and I are buying the home together.

David is 28, giz is 26, and David is not the father of the baby.

Financial responsibilities falls as such, I cover the mortgage payment and my sis and I split a couple of the bills. Giz puts 250 in groceries and another 200 hundred toward water, trash pickup and dog supplies. David owes his dad about 3 grand, so David is doing stuff around the house like mowing the yard, basic repairs ( house is a fixer upper, not real bad, mostly cosmetic)



hlen5 -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 2:00:21 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: jlf1961

............ Basically, David does not think that a male should clean up his living area, including his stuff.

..........I guess I should say that david is the biggest part of the problem.



Basically, I guess it's time to take David down to a recruiter's office. He needs to learn to be a self sufficient ADULT.



DesFIP -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 8:09:17 PM)

Make a list of all chores and how much time they take. If you decide everyone needs to put one hour each in, and David's doing that in yard work then either he gets excused for vacuuming or he gives up yard work to someone else. Because outdoor house work still counts.

However, the emptying of soda cups and throwing them out is not general house work. Move them onto his belongings. If they spill, tough luck kid. Once he discovers that his soda is all over his clothes and he has no clean clothes he will have to do his laundry and start throwing them out. Warn him this is not acceptable and you are going to do this in the future. If he doesn't like it, he can move back in with his dad.



erieangel -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/22/2013 11:34:05 PM)

We did the chore list, house meetings, even "fines" for uncompleted chores at the youth lodge. Chores were rotated monthly, except for cooking the evening meal and cleaning the kitchen, which rotated on a daily basis. Each "fine" was $5, so basically, if somebody had the kitchen and happened to blow off all their chores and had their bedroom a disaster, they could get $15 in fines in 1 day. We then used the fine money for extra stuff like special meals, group outings, housing upgrades (flooring for the weight room, window coverings) even bought a 42" LCD TV last Nov. (Got a great price on that on sale).






ShaharThorne -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/23/2013 12:02:49 AM)

With a toddler around, those overflowing ashtrays are a hazardous poisoning waiting to happen. I remember emptying Dad's ashtrays when brother M was toddling about and grabbing everything in arm's length.



erieangel -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/23/2013 12:24:08 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaharThorne

With a toddler around, those overflowing ashtrays are a hazardous poisoning waiting to happen. I remember emptying Dad's ashtrays when brother M was toddling about and grabbing everything in arm's length.


Yep. My daughter and son-in-law both smoke. Since the birth of their daughter, they do either outside or in the kitchen, standing in front of the stove, where the last ashtray in the house is located. A big bucket of top soil is used to collect butts outside.




kalikshama -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/23/2013 9:46:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: erieangel

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaharThorne

With a toddler around, those overflowing ashtrays are a hazardous poisoning waiting to happen. I remember emptying Dad's ashtrays when brother M was toddling about and grabbing everything in arm's length.


Yep. My daughter and son-in-law both smoke. Since the birth of their daughter, they do either outside or in the kitchen, standing in front of the stove, where the last ashtray in the house is located. A big bucket of top soil is used to collect butts outside.


Yes, no one should be smoking inside the house.



kalikshama -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/23/2013 9:48:22 AM)

quote:

My sister and I are buying the home together.


Great, you have the standing to lay down the law :)



kalikshama -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/23/2013 9:51:39 AM)

quote:

However, the emptying of soda cups and throwing them out is not general house work. Move them onto his belongings. If they spill, tough luck kid. Once he discovers that his soda is all over his clothes and he has no clean clothes he will have to do his laundry and start throwing them out. Warn him this is not acceptable and you are going to do this in the future. If he doesn't like it, he can move back in with his dad.


Yes, when I stopped picking up after my now-ex husband, I would put his mess in a box and leave it outside his bedroom door. I've also done this with housemates who left clutter in common areas.



lizi -> RE: I am pissing some family members off.... (6/23/2013 10:17:44 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
Yes, when I stopped picking up after my now-ex husband, I would put his mess in a box and leave it outside his bedroom door. I've also done this with housemates who left clutter in common areas.


My sister has done this with her 5 boys with the added incentive of her keeping the box and having the kids pay to get their things back. If they don't buy back their items within a certain amount of time ( a month?) she donates what's in the box to Goodwill. Any time you went over to her house it looked remarkably clean for having 7 people living in it.

I've picked up clutter and dumped the mess in my kids beds - they had to clean it out in order to go to sleep. Everything they leave out that should be taken care of somehow, including dirty dishes, food wrappers, dirty sports equipment, towels they dropped on the floor in the bathroom, clean laundry they never put away after washing it, etc. They got with the program remarkably fast. Since I"m assuming David sleeps with your niece, he gets whatever his personal space is (car, computer area, closet, whatever would get in his way the most) dumped full of toys, half empty soda cups, dirty dishes, and disgusting ashtrays.

After ironing out who does what, I'd stop talking to the guy and have him simply reap consequences. Talking nets nothing because there isn't any price he's paying for letting things go - he's figured out that if he doesn't do it, everyone else does it for him.



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