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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 8:05:38 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		We don't have bad intentions because we aren't freeloaders like his soon to be ex. As long as we help pay bills (unlike her), he has more money, not less. When he requires more help, we provide it instead of him having to pay for a home care aid. Once again, it saves him money. Certain people on here just like to think the worst of me. For everyone else, thanks for the advice. We can't force him to accept our help. Naturally, I hope he finds the happiness he seeks and not another scam artist or freeloader. But I'll always worry. I'm his daughter so I guess worrying comes with the territory.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 8:06:20 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		who said it's one sided? Do you want your dad to be happy or not? If his happiness is wanting to live alone then it's not one sided. It's you allowing him to make his own decisions as an adult, even if that means he may die. That's not your choice to make.


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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 8:15:25 PM   
Level


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Status: offline 		My dad died when I was 16, and my mom had a stroke several years later. She has stayed with me since then, it's been quite a few years. Has it held me back in some ways? Sure but that's the way things are... She's my family, I'm not going to turn away from her when she needs me.

Not exactly the same as your situation, just my experience.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 8:40:49 PM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Call your county health office and ask if they can make any suggestions.

If he's living alone and not in great health maybe he would qualify for a visiting nurse once a week. Or meals on wheels to make sure he eats properly.

Or call your church and ask the minister who you could talk to that would be knowledgeable.

However, right now you aren't done with school and he isn't yet divorced trying to deal with the upkeep on the house. He may find the reality of being alone enough to change his mind in six months. So table the decision making for the moment. You can move next year just as easily as right now.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 9:02:42 PM   
defiantbadgirl


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Status: offline 		I was referring to certain insinuations. He wants us to live close by to help if needed instead of actually living with him. Unfortunately, because the area lacks the type of good paying jobs we need, there's no way we can do that without seriously hurting ourselves. He's made his choice. I want to help him, but we can't destroy our own future to do it.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 9:44:51 PM   
erieangel


Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline 		Take jobs where you find them. Don't discuss with your father the idea of him moving with you until you know when and where you are moving--You may end up relatively close by, you may end up going far enough away that he decides to go with you simply due to the distance.
But table the discussion for now.

In the meantime, search for meaningful and low-cost help for your father to live alone, if that is what he decides to do in the long term. Talk with the area center on aging, social services, the welfare office. Check with churches and organizations in your area about a visiting nurse, a mental health specialist (it sounds like the stress of his health and the divorce has him depressed), a nutritionist, adult day care (many nursing homes and retirement communities offer such programs).

Speaking of which, your father's choices are not to live alone in the house he has, to live with you (wherever) or to go into a nursing home...He could always opt to sell his house and move into a retirement community. He'd still live alone, in his own apartment, but with a medical staff on the premises.


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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 10:32:35 PM   
FrostedFlake


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Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		I've given it an hour on my mind, It seems to me that you should consider whether avoiding the feeling of having abandoned Dad is the primary thing you want to do. If that is so, I think you should consider moving to where the job is and getting a house with an extra room. That way, if things go downhill, you could easily alter living arrangements to suit. Until then, if then ever happens, you will have physical evidence, the room, to remind you you have taken all the steps you can. (At least, until your Daughter arrives...)

There are several other things I will fail to mention, because you know your situation, so your opinion would mean something. Mine doesn't, so I'll keep it to myself.

There is one more thing I will mention. My Dad died a few months ago, at 80. After smoking a pack or two a day for 65 years and drinking enough to hide the fact that he is a ... let's just say drinking way more than I could for his entire adult life. Health problems or not, you can't predict when something is going to happen to someone. So, try not to waste you and your husbands' time waiting for what might not be inevitable.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 11:18:28 PM   
MistressRosalyn


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Status: offline 		Ischemic or hemorrhagic stroke?

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/25/2013 2:06:24 AM   
defiantbadgirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRosalyn

Ischemic or hemorrhagic stroke?


He was taking aspirin to thin his blood and had a stroke that primarily affected his vision. He is now on an expensive blood thinner. I don't know if that tells you what type of stroke it was. Could it be the blood thinner and not the stroke that suddenly caused him to need insulin when his diabetes was perfectly controlled by diet before?

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/25/2013 3:29:01 AM   
MistressRosalyn


Posts: 908
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Status: offline 		Sounds like he had a hemorrhagic stroke triggered by the aspirin. Depending on where the bleed in his brain was
located, different things like his vision, or his word skills would be affected. Another thing that could have been affected would be his emotions, it may be as if the filters we depend on socially are simply missing, leading to unusual outbursts.
Stress can affect how well the body processes insulin; it is not unusual for people who were previously resistant to the insulin produced by their bodies, to become totally unable to produce any insulin at all.
I don't envy you your situation, speaking only for myself, and I am in your dads shoes, I would wait and see how things fall out with the divorce, and with your dads health, and make a decision accordingly. He may get better, or worse, and the decision may make itself. In good news, while hemorrhagic strokes can be lethal at first, those of us who survive can look forward to regaining many of our abilities in time. I have survived three such bleeds.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/25/2013 3:45:00 AM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
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Status: offline 		First....buying a house-his age will not prevent him from qualifying; however, all the debt of everyone on the loan must be carried against all the income-if you or your husband are not employed YOU will prevent HIM (dad) from qualifying.

I do not know what state you are in, what your career fields are...but, It may be riskier for HIM to move with you. Here, he has a support network of friends, people he knows.... I understand wanting to go where the jobs are; however, moving does not mean you will be immediately employed-also people forget where there are jobs there is a higher cost of living & you, as an entry level, may not earn enough to buy a house.

Approach selling his place-sounds like he has the income but, needs to cut the expenses. He could buy a smaller home and use the savings to hire a visiting nurse, or to buy a place in a retirement community (my ex's parents & several friend's parents have done that & frankly I am jealous!!! Some of those places are like college campuses! ). He could keep his pets, the places usually have staff & meals... And you could move without worry.

Finally, the same way he had to let you "make your own choices" despite knowing they might not be the best when you were 18-19...you need to let him make his own. We all go through it whether it is with children or parents-we know what is best but they have different ideas :-). Get yourself established so, if it happens, you are in a position to help when he is UNABLE to do for himself

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/25/2013 4:20:24 AM   
kiwisub12


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Status: offline 		Retirement communities - have the fastest growing number of STD's in the country. If he wants companionship, he would find it in a retirement community.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/25/2013 5:31:17 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		FR:

You are in a difficult situation, and one I can relate to. My mother is in her 80s, has just about everything wrong with her, including congestive heart failure, and doesn't take her meds correctly. She doesn't keep doctor's appointments, and is ignorant about her health in general.

She lives in a small town in WV where there are no jobs, so none of us (me & my 4 sisters) are close enough to help her on a daily basis. She won't leave her house and come live with one of us. This is HER decision.

Would she be much better off living close to one of us so we could look after her? Obviously she would. She refuses to do this. So, since she is an adult and not mentally incompetent, she gets to make her own decisions.

When she asks for help, we help. That's all we can do. I can't destroy my own finances so I can live close to her and attempt to force her to do what I think is right for her (take her meds, keep her appts). It's a sad situation, and we all know what it means for her current quality of life. But again, it is HER choice.



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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/25/2013 7:52:40 AM   
ShaharThorne


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Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
Status: offline 		I live with Mom as part of my mental health deal. On May 4th she broke her right fibula right in front of me (putting a swing set together for the kiddos). My brother lives 30 minutes away and helps me take care of her even though he is working for the post office. My second cousin died last week and both Mom and brother M went to the funeral, with Mom in the back seat, her foot propped up because of the swelling (I think she needs a Lasix for the edema).

These days, I make sure she takes her pills, including the pain killers. I set up the appointments with our doctor. Sure, she is only 66, but she had to be my Dad's caretaker until his death in '07. He was disabled for about 10 years due to strokes and heart attacks. Mom says no nursing homes for her. The house is in her name, as well as the land. She is disabled herself due to arthritis in her lower back. She is not seeking any companionship and frankly now of us want her to. Too many scammers for the elderly out there.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/25/2013 12:27:52 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		How far away are you currently?

quote:

About 3 weeks ago, I learned he and my stepmonster were getting a divorce. With my soon to be stepmonster gone, my father is now living out in the country alone. If he gets to keep his house, my husband and I offered to move in and he agreed. If the divorce court judge orders the house sold, I told my father I thought we should buy a house together (his age wouldn't count against him as much on a loan with me on there too). That way we could all keep our pets and he wouldn't be living alone. I think it would be best for all of us to move to a cooler state with better job opportunities. That way, the climate would be better for my father and with better jobs, my husband and I could actually afford to save more for our own retirement.


I bet he is pushing back because he's getting rid of one "monster" and he is viewing you as being too controlling.

Y'all don't have to make any decisions now. Wait til he knows what's going to happen with the divorce and you are closer to graduating. When is that and what fields are both of you in?

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/25/2013 1:22:30 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you can get good jobs elsewhere, do so. When you buy a house, think if part of it can be converted into an apartment. You could rent it out in the meantime and in a ten years when he needs more caregiving, he could then move into the apartment. Having a separate apartment gives all of you privacy, and would allow him to have his friends over.

But he's an adult, he needs to do what's best for him which is not the same as what's best for you.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/25/2013 1:57:59 PM   
Determinist


Posts: 38
Joined: 4/20/2013
Status: offline 		It sounds to me like he may be depressed - not surprising given the circumstances. When people are depressed they often neglect their well-being. It might be a good idea to sit down with him to talk about it and see if you can convince him to get some counselling to help him through this rough patch.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/25/2013 5:52:21 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		or it could be he just wants to be on his own.

Personally, if I was his age, hell even the age I am now, if my daughter came to me and said "mom, let me move in with you so I can take care of you", I'd tell her "hell no!" and if she still insisted I'd stop answering my phone and door.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/26/2013 7:55:14 AM   
evesgrden


Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
Status: offline 		Your father is a grown up. He gets to call the shots in his life. You have the right to offer any help you like, and he has the right to decline.

You want to help? Set up a home medical alert for him. Give him a stainless screw cap tube for his key chain that can hold a tube of glucose so that he can always have that with him. Let him live his life. It's his life, not yours. He has the right to dignity of risk. If he prefers to risk dying next week, but being on his own, rather than moving to a new state and living with you he gets to do that.

I took care of my father during his last 3 years of life. He died at 91, he was diabetic, had congestive heart failure. I had a couple of mottos:
"What Lola wants, Lola gets"
"We will find a way"
"If you want ME to be the one caring for you, we have to do it my way"

That last one came up because one time he refused to bring his oxygen tank into a grocery store and then got short of breath leaving me in the untenable situation of having to leave him in the store while I ran out to the car to get the O2; that same day because I was really pissed (because I had pointed this risk out to him earlier, and he was quite an intelligent man albeit stubborn) he refused to take my arm as we walked back into the house... and lost his footing and almost cracked his head on the pavement. Our goal had been that he would live out his life at home.. the only reason to go the hospital would be if he had unmanageable pain. Well I caught him as he fell... he was only about 140 pounds at the time. But we had words after that, and I told him I would only continue to be the one to take care of him but if I wanted O2 with us, or if I wanted to walk arm and arm with him, we were going to do that becasue it just wasn't fair to put me through those kind of frights. He agreed.

I adored him, but I was prepared to walk away. If I had required something of him that he considered unreasonable, he was prepared to not have me be his caregiver despite all the risks that would entail.

Informed decisions are what this is all about. If you need to need to work in another state, then that's what you need to do. If he wants to stay where he is, that's what he needs to do. You live with the worry. He lives with the risks. If you can't handle the worry, then give up your job opportunities. If the stress of the risks prove to be too much for him, he'll agree to move in with you. Otherwise, you both need to live your lives as you see fit.

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