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Too much effort? - 6/24/2013 7:01:09 PM

fullgear203

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/10/2013
Status: offline

Greetings Sirs ,
Respectfully would like to ask a question. May I take a guess that most dom's want a trained , or at least "sub like" boi
when finding a hook-up.
My problem is im kind of a cocky smartass --that I carry into dealing with a potential Sir. I warn the Sirs that I need
a heavy hand and please do whatever it take to bring me into the place that he wants a boy to be. Don't find a lot of players.

I want to know how far I can go with my Sir. And I want to know he is in charge and is going to stay in charge. Want to know
who the alpha mate is by nature. And I want to know I have no choices he gets his way every time. Have met with dom's or who say they
are, that I have had our rolls switch and my boots are being licked . While enjoy that play not what im seeking.

So What i'm asking is it realistic to keep looking for a sir with a heavy hand like I need? Or should I just learn on own to act more sub like?
Whats your first thought if asked to train a sub like myself? Too much problem for worth?

Post #: 1

RE: Too much effort? - 6/24/2013 7:53:44 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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Sorry, but each Dom is different. I enjoy some banter with my sub, but she knows when she's pushing me too much.

Sounds like you're dealing with wankers if they switch right away. Not Doms.

How are you looking for someone, anyway?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to fullgear203)

Post #: 2

RE: Too much effort? - 6/24/2013 8:14:58 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The problem with asking a stranger to use a 'heavy hand' is that they don't know if your idea of heavy is the same as theirs. Or if it turns out you don't like what he does, whether your response will be claim assault.

Try getting to know people and work up to the level of play you claim to want.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 3

RE: Too much effort? - 6/24/2013 8:30:33 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Who ultimately chooses when you submit? You do, so its you who are actually in charge because you are not submitting. So, its a game and few experienced dominants are interested. Not as the foundation of a relationship, a hot night of play, hell yeah, a little bit of jostling for position can be invigorating but only with someone who knows their place otherwise, you are in charge.

When you are new, being forced feels more like dominance but its not, they are dancing to your tune.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 4

RE: Too much effort? - 6/24/2013 8:42:38 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

I agree with Michael. I am very sub. That usually extends to the bedroom. But with a Dom's permission, we can have occasional rough play in which I fight him, and that can be fun. But I trust him to end it when he wants to or when it needs to be ended, and outside those playtimes, I am obedient and respectful. If that's what you want at playtime, yes, I believe if you keep looking you can find a Dom who enjoys the same things sexually as you do. But you can't have a power struggle over every daily command. You have to decide if submitting is what you want to do, or not.

_____________________________

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~Dr. Seuss quote

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Post #: 5

RE: Too much effort? - 6/24/2013 9:37:10 PM

HoldinOn

Posts: 20
Joined: 11/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Sorry, but each Dom is different. I enjoy some banter with my sub, but she knows when she's pushing me too much.

Sounds like you're dealing with wankers if they switch right away. Not Doms.

How are you looking for someone, anyway?

Sorry, but I disagree. To me, it is him that sounds like a wanker. He claims to be submissive, but the moment he is given the chance, he turns the tables and has the other person licking his boots.

Isn't it more the case that he has a specific scenario he wants to enact? And that when things don't go exactly as he has envisioned, he creates a new one to his liking?

To the OP, I would suggest spending some serious energy into analyzing what it is that you truly want. Be truthful with yourself and the partners that you choose. You are the one doing the choosing, you are the constant, you are creating the pattern. If you keep reliving your pattern, you are never going to find fulfillment.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 6

RE: Too much effort? - 6/25/2013 5:18:08 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

void

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 6/25/2013 5:22:16 AM >

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Post #: 7

RE: Too much effort? - 6/25/2013 5:50:54 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Most dominants are not in the least interested in someone who has to be physically 'forced' to submit. I agree with some other comments, you're playing a game, and one that most don't like.

If all you want are temporary play partners, that's fine, except you're not likely to find many willing to force you. Why should they take the chance you will cry rape or assault later? A good dominant doesn't have a hard time finding play partners. This is why YOU are at the bottom of the list.

You don't come across to me as sub or switch, but fetishist. Your fetish is being forced, and that's not submission as I see it. That you routinely turn tables and make them sub doesn't surprise me, you like doing to others what you like having done.

Your best bet is to find a steady play partner who is into what you're into.

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(in reply to fullgear203)

Post #: 8

RE: Too much effort? - 6/25/2013 6:21:14 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

My first instinct is to say that you should keep looking for what you need, because trying to change yourself and/or settle for something that doesn't really do it for you rarely works long term.

That said, just from these few sentences it can be difficult to be sure what you are talking about. There is 'cocky' as in cheeky, and then there's cocky as in 'insufferable ass'. These people who start licking your boots when they started out as doms - the doms I know and interact with wouldn't submit in response to someone being a brat. They might walk away, sure, but they wouldn't lick your feet because they're not wired that way. So this makes me think that a) you're picking partners who are into being forced to submit themselves and b) you're not communicating well what you are looking for, and they think you want to win.

Any scene involving real force or serious 'punishment' to bring someone into line is risky - physically, emotionally and legally. This isn't a meet-and-beat type activity. Your odds are much better of getting this with a committed relationship, or at least a regular play partner with plenty of time to trust each other and build up to the serious stuff. Thing is, if you're always putting up the struggle all of the time, you don't give much chance for that rapport to be gradually built.

Keeping someone in line constantly is exhausting. In a relationship, constantly testing their authority undermines it. It never allows them to rest and relax, which even big tough uber-doms need to do. You're constantly demanding they prove themselves to you. While this can be hot as hell during a scene (I like a good fight as much as anyone), if you can't tell when to draw the line it will be a problem. You either need to learn to actually submit without drama and save the fighting for fun time, or find a partner who is happy to not be in charge outside the bedroom and save this play for then.

I understand the desire to be forced or humbled. I really do. And I often appreciate being brought back into line every now and again as a reminder of what's what. But ultimately if he can't count on my submission - if I don't show him that I respect his leadership and trust him to be in charge - it becomes more of a passive-aggressive attention getting game. By fighting you are saying 'I don't believe you are the leader'. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship with someone who believes in them.

I think you can definitely get the kind of scenes you want. But for a whole relationship, yes, too much effort.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to fullgear203)

Post #: 9

RE: Too much effort? - 6/25/2013 7:16:12 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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The problem with "being yourself" is that most people aren't naturally themselves. They have zero self awareness of why they do the things they do. Nobody wants to pick shitty partners but far too many do because the patterns they are trapped in repeating they are unaware of and therefore not in control of.

Take this guy, he is playing this bullshit game as a complicated coping mechanism probably tied to low self worth and hyper critical parents. He picks partners he can tear down in order to feel better about himself. Unconciously he avoids genuine strong partners and or they avoid him. Beforr he gets involved, he tells himself they are amazing and then when he suckers them in, he tears them down. It isnt what will make him happy, its all unconcious, he doesnt know he is doing it and until he deals with it he,is trapped in,a very shitty place.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 10

RE: Too much effort? - 6/25/2013 8:17:02 AM

evesgrden

Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
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I tend to take things at face value until I have a compelling reason not to.

Sounds to me like he's really into resistance play both physically and psychologically, that's he likes to challenge and likes to be challenged, and he wants to find someone who has similar likes, but is better at it/stronger than he is.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Lou Grant to Mary Tyler Moore: You got spunk kid. (Mary smiles). I HATE SPUNK!

He's looking for a dominant who likes spunk. He's the one who's always challenging the alpha male in the herd, and wants the dominant who can and will best him. He doesn't just offer his throat, first they tussle, THEN he offers his throat when he finds he's out of his league by one who's will is stronger than his.

OP... whether you find this or not is another story. You're looking for a relationship and relationships are about compatibility so compromising yourself or changing yourself is not likely to be successful in the long term.

_____________________________

What you permit, you promote.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 11

RE: Too much effort? - 6/25/2013 8:22:12 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

You're looking for a relationship and relationships are about compatibility so compromising yourself

According to the OP, he is looking for a hook-up. I don't consider those relationships, per se.

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM

(in reply to evesgrden)

Post #: 12

RE: Too much effort? - 6/25/2013 11:19:05 AM

Dyfrynt

Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline

The very first line of your profile tells me what I need to know. You say "Need to be tied-up, then do whatever you want..."

This sort of blanket statement is the hallmark of someone who has no clue what BDSM is about. No Dom who knows their stuff would touch that with a ten foot dildo!

Do whatever they want? Seriously? If they want to cut off your pinky, you're cool with that? If they want to chain you to the floor and leave you there for a week without food, water, or bathroom breaks, you good with that?

My advise. Get your head out of FantasyLand and get yourself some education about what it is you want. Even just generally is a start, but very specifically would be much better.

And if what you seriously want is true no limit interaction, get yourself to a professional and get help.

_____________________________

Equal in Worth, just Not in Power.

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 13

RE: Too much effort? - 6/25/2013 2:36:07 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

Going to have to go with you asking way too much out of a dominant, OP. I get that being "forced" to do things is a kick for you. But dominance in itself is a lot of work and responsibility as it is anyway. Having a power struggle every single time over every single thing with my submissive would get old in a hurry. I'd rapidly reach the point of saying something to the effect of "he'll with this shit, life is too short." I'd also NOT enjoy being manipulated into action by some sub's smartassedness. Just my personal preference. There is a time and place for everything. But I do need someone who can exert a little self control. "Do me" subs are just not worth the time, energy, and effort Id waste for little to no return on my investment

Oh yeah, and I agree with what others have said.

(in reply to Dyfrynt)

Post #: 14

RE: Too much effort? - 6/25/2013 4:50:40 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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craigslist

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Post #: 15

RE: Too much effort? - 6/25/2013 7:02:32 PM

BambiBoi

Posts: 461
Joined: 8/10/2010
Status: offline

There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship where the top is determined in trial by combat. By comparison, I start my profile by saying "I'm not some wild creature looking to be tamed..." I don't enjoy having to fight for power. I would agree that trust must be earned, but I'm not interested interested in fighting someone into submission (unless that's the kink we're playing with at the time). If someone approaches me as a submissive, I want them to TRY and submit. I don't want them to try and break me.

OP and his Sir engaging in a little pre-scene negotiation:

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<3

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Post #: 16

RE: Too much effort? - 6/25/2013 11:00:19 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fullgear203
My problem is im kind of a cocky smartass --that I carry into dealing with a potential Sir. ......................... So What i'm asking is it realistic to keep looking for a sir with a heavy hand like I need? Or should I just learn on own to act more sub like?
Whats your first thought if asked to train a sub like myself? Too much problem for worth?

It is realistic to keep looking for a sir with a heavy hand.? Yes. However, if you want a quality Master, you should also learn to act more sub like. Read up on some of the books in my signature link for more info.

If you don't get your attitude in check, I am sure you will still be able to find someone will to interact with a "cocky smartass" that doesn't have the respect to leave that bullshit elsewhere. If you had a problem being disrespectful smartass in my house, you'd be living in a cage with a goat for 3 weeks to see what feels like to be stuck with a stubborn animal that has no manners.

Yes, I really have a cage and yes, I really would do that.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to fullgear203)

Post #: 17

RE: Too much effort? - 6/26/2013 2:56:37 AM

fullgear203

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/10/2013
Status: offline

A big Thanks to all that have responded to my asking'two much effort'. And I do mean thanks to all of you. Sometimes you
hear things you do want to hear, but thats a reason I wrote in this forum. Going to read your posting's afew more times , do
alot of thinkin---and come up with a workable plan. Have learned so much by your words and frankness. Take care all A

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 18

RE: Too much effort? - 6/26/2013 5:55:41 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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Kink is, or at least should be, about finding a healthy way to do fucked up shit.

You want to struggle and be put in your place. Great! As RS said, no quality partners are going to sign up for that 24/7. If only because good relationships are about being partners, not adversaries.

However, there are lots of people who enjoy force, who see wrestling and such as kinky. So they make space in the relationship for it, perhaps as a reward for good behavior, or all day Sunday.D

Constant fighting for control is as tiresome as always having your submission doubted and having to prove it.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 6/26/2013 5:56:31 AM >

(in reply to fullgear203)

Post #: 19

RE: Too much effort? - 6/29/2013 6:17:10 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

^ "Constant fighting for control is as tiresome as always having your submission doubted and having to prove it."

Nicely put in a tidy little sentence.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 20

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