building confidence

building confidence (Full Version)

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chemeli -> building confidence (6/25/2013 8:02:58 PM)
i've always assumed i was a submissive because i was submissive, but lately i considered it from another way and viewed it more as having a lack of confidence in myself. Having recently some thoughts from people from here about their own fantasies that involved woman having the strong hold in bed over a man, got me interested and now i'm wondering this, where do i find the confidence to ever explore this interest? If i ever do become interested in a submissive guy and he expect things from me that i cannot give him, that will completely annihilate any try that i would be willing to make over him. an introverted, submissive Domme? that cannot be.

SimplyMichael -> RE: building confidence (6/25/2013 8:09:24 PM)
Guys pay women to domme them so giving it away for free is kinda easy. Besides, basic topping is easy, safe, and kinda a no brainer. I mean how many classes,on sex did you take before you lost your virginity,?

littlewonder -> RE: building confidence (6/25/2013 8:17:24 PM)
You either want it done or you don't. If you want something badly enough then you will tell him to do it and if he doesn't and you do nothing about it then it's obviously not very important to you. That's the way I see life in general though. If I let something slide then it's not important to me. Otherwise I'd be doing something about it. This is a general philosophy to my life. So ask yourself that when you feel you are too afraid of whatever. How important is it?

Owner4SexSlave -> RE: building confidence (6/25/2013 8:55:09 PM)
There is always the pressure from other people's expectations in general. This does and can throw people mentally on both sides of the D/s coin. The thing about even having your attempts annihilated is that it's a growing process. However, afterwards if you still find the longing and desire inside yourself for something. It's best to be true to yourself. Pick yourself back up and try again. When it comes to needy subs, remind them that's it's about you and want you want. So many people tend to have unrealistic or high expectations at times. Find somebody that's rather kicked back with a low pressure kind of personality.

CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: building confidence (6/25/2013 9:17:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chemeli i've always assumed i was a submissive because i was submissive, but lately i considered it from another way and viewed it more as having a lack of confidence in myself. Having recently some thoughts from people from here about their own fantasies that involved woman having the strong hold in bed over a man, got me interested and now i'm wondering this, where do i find the confidence to ever explore this interest? If i ever do become interested in a submissive guy and he expect things from me that i cannot give him, that will completely annihilate any try that i would be willing to make over him. an introverted, submissive Domme? that cannot be. If you want to try it out and see if it grows on you, then I suggest going to this old thread and reading it. http://www.collarchat.com/m_4171453/mpage_1/key_Good%252CGirl%25E2%2580%2599s%252CGuide/tm.htm#4171453 Read it with the guy you are interested in. Buy, or have him buy SM 101 by Jay Wiseman to learn some safeties and then talk with each other...about what sounds interesting to you and that you'd might like to try out, even if just once in your lifetime. (I found out that I enjoyed the sound of giving slow spankings, and the rosy color that appeared. Maybe take time to tickle those roses.) The man you hook up with might end up being submissive only in the bedroom...or might just enjoy using you as a "service Top". This is okay...and can be a lot of fun. Relax. You will be what you will be. You don't have to be an extrovert to be Domme. You don't have to be man-hating, or some All Powerful Genie type ballbuster. [;)] Remember that exploring things to see if you like them or not is supposed to be fun. Compatibility issues may or may not come to pass. If it's mainly a lack of confidence you are worried about, and there's a Domme inside there somewhere, finding the right man who wants to submit to you will build your confidence. If you tell guys that you are new to topping and would like to try it out, within your hard and soft limits (one of mine hit unexpectedly, when I tried on a strapon harness over my black jeans in the bathroom...I almost died laughing and told the guy heck no and took it off). Believe me, lots of guys will volunteer to pay for a motel room so they can tell you how they prefer to be spanked, will bring a basin to wash your feet, will put nail polish on your toe nails, will suggest ideas for tying them up (buy the book and try doing a rope harness). Even putting a blindfold on someone can be a very powerful thing...enjoy puzzling out how each thing makes you feel. Also...it might surprise you how many people seem to be the opposite in D/s as they are in vanilla...a mild mannered "submissive" woman might find balance by Dominating her mate, and many guys having jobs that scream POWER!...will need to submit to their mate once they get home. It's not all cut and dried as it may seem, where "dominant" vanilla personalities are also "dominant" within a D/s relationship. Btw, men will scene with you even if you keep all of your clothes on. [;)] I didn't want some strange guy I didn't love licking my ass, nor did I want to mark my territory by pissing all over him in the shower (this came later when I found someone to love). Feel free to have limits and have those limits respected. Have a safe caller set up who knows where you're at and who you're with. At some of our play parties, several people would love to show you the ropes and others would volunteer to be a rope bunny or to get spanked.

FrostedFlake -> RE: building confidence (6/26/2013 1:07:21 AM)
If you have interest and opportunity, give it a go. If you like it, you do.

chatterbox24 -> RE: building confidence (6/26/2013 6:41:53 AM)
If you are desiring these things try them. For me, submissive in the bedroom never equates to no confidence. Its just what makes me hot "A take charge man" But if you are actually wanting to take charge, and are not, I would say you should build that confidence to get what you want. For me I don't pursue it, cause its not my desire. Its a rare occasion I want to be the aggressor.

SeekingTrinity -> RE: building confidence (6/26/2013 6:42:41 AM)
~FRing it~ I agree with what the others have said. If you are curious, no harm in checking it out to see if its something you like. No harm in expanding horizons

SwitchNSpanky -> RE: building confidence (6/26/2013 9:18:16 AM)
Find a sub guy who will be open to submitting without a lot of pressure on you to force them. It seems lots of guys will. My wife has always been my submissive. Until recently when we switched roles to make things more exciting. My wife is naturally submissive in bed with me. So the change was "hard". I made the transition easier by pretending she opens a package containing a fully trained slave with instructions. Compleat with a "if slave is not obedient enough feel free to return him for a full refund or a retraining" policy. So the "trained slave" was extra obedient at first. After figuring out the "controls" she only had to "modify" my training to suit her needs. This empowered her quite a bit. Now she is a very hot Tirant. I suggest finding a first time play partner who wants to serve you instead of one who wants to push you to force their obedience. After you get comfy in your role. It will become easy for you. I promise.

chemeli -> RE: building confidence (6/26/2013 11:02:46 AM)
Now, i have a hard time with that word you used, agressor. Do you care explaining in what exactly a Dom/Domme is an agressor, for you?

DesFIP -> RE: building confidence (6/26/2013 11:09:28 AM)
The other way to approach this is to consider what you need to gain confidence. Do you need topping skills? Well that's the easiest thing to do. Buy books on the subject, take a workshop offered by your local kink group, practice on pillows. Eventually work up to asking a sub friend to let you try it on him and give you feedback. Once you feel more confident about knowing how to do it, then you should have no trouble doing short scenes at play parties without promising anything beyond that.

chemeli -> RE: building confidence (6/26/2013 1:28:55 PM)
thanks for all the advices everyone, i'm always surprised at the commitment people makes to help other people, that has to say a lot about me.....but i'll take every comment into consideration and maybe even meditation, why not.

Dyfrynt -> RE: building confidence (6/26/2013 4:43:48 PM)
Okay question. You mention you like the idea of other's fantasies about dominating a submissive man. Is it your desire to have a fantasy fulfilled? Or is this desire to be confident in yourself so you will no longer be so submissive. If it is the former, a fantasy desire you wish fulfilled. You can always pretend confidence for play scenes with a submissive. Nothing wrong with that either. Plenty of people play roles that are not who they really are. If it is the latter, you shoudn't focus on finding the confidence to dominate. That is too narrow a focus. Your goal should be to learn to be confident in all aspects of your life. To become a confident person. To believe in yourself. If you achieve that, the confidence in domination will naturally follow.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: building confidence (6/26/2013 5:05:15 PM)
You build confidence by gaining competency in basic tasks, slowly building on those tasks, and eventually being successful, it doesn't matter what at, the steps are the same. Along the way you may have some failures. Personally, I've learned much more from my failures. In learning or doing anything new, I tend to do a lot of up front research first, which is what you are doing, testing the waters. Keep at it and eventually you will have the confidence to stick your toe in. It's that first step that's hard, at least for me. Set yourself realistic goals, realizing those may change, that you may experience failure, that some things won't work out like you planned. View it as a learning experience, a process, and allow yourself to take the time you need to take to get where you want to go. Best, CP

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