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Anachronox -> Trouble being submissive. (6/27/2006 8:05:56 AM)
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Have a question for anyone who is able to answer, but I guess Ill tell you a little of who I am. I am a male submissive, married for almost 2 years now, and about to turn 21. I have known my wife/Mistress for about 5 years. We played with s/m in the bedroom for a while, and when we moved out together it attempted to become a 24/7 D/s. There were problems at the time, and now that I am being forced to live a great distance away, it has of course been more difficult. She was lifestlye unaware until I introuduced her to it, and she has been very supportive and interested. Submission is what Ive always wanted, but I never feel right somehow. Part of it is that she has told me before that she does it because she knows it makes me happy, and while she enjoys it certainly, its not something thats really important to her, i.e., she would be just as happy with as without. So I always feel like from her end its more of an act than anything else, but I know she is trying. I also have issues with what I belive to be some form of bi-polar, although because of my career choice, it would be more destructive than not to seek any help. I have times where I am unable to control my emotions, feelings and actions. I get very upset without wanting to. Things I know I shouldnt be angry about, and I try to tell myself what I am doing is wrong, such as yelling over the phone or whatever, just being disrespectful. I have gone so far when I am upset as to say forget it, I dont want to be your pet anymore, never mind, etc.. I nkow from many posts alot of people would say to thier submissive to leave at a time like that, but we are and always will be lovers and best friends as well, so this is a problem we are trying to fix in a whole relationship context, such that this is not just a bdsm relationship I guess. I get very self-consious about myself at times like that, I feel as if there is something wrong with the way I am, that what I want cant co-exist with a normal relationship, and that I cant adress my feelings while still in a D/s relationship because it seems .. I dont know how to explain it. Like, if things are put into a D/s dynamic, its like its making it sexual, or that I am downplaying the issue.. dont really know a better way to say it. The recent posts about things like that made me decide to write a little bit, see if there was anyone else that had dealt with something similar. Maybe some advice on how to adress any of the issues. I want to be able to stay submissive, and feel more at ease with it and myself, but when I get angry I just cant help it, and the idea of my submission seems almost.. wrong somehow. I dunno.. hard to explain something when you dont even know what it is your trying to say.. anyone with insight would be very appreciated.
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